An Incident at the Border

by Kieran Lynn

  REIVER: I had to show him I was serious.

  OLIVIA: You know he means no harm.

  REIVER: I don’t know that. I have been trained to be suspicious of everyone who isn’t from this country.

  OLIVIA: But you must have met lots of people who weren’t from this country.

  REIVER: A few.

  OLIVIA: And were you suspicious of them?

  REIVER: No. In fact, my Father wasn’t born in this country.

  OLIVIA: If he wanted to cross the border, would you be suspicious of him?

  REIVER: Yes, when I was a child, he left and never came back.

  OLIVIA: Oh, would you be suspicious of your mother?

  REIVER: Yes. She left with him.

  OLIVIA: What about if George wanted to cross the border?

  REIVER: Why would George want to cross the border?

  OLIVIA: Imagine if he did.

  REIVER: He wouldn’t.

  OLIVIA: The point is /...

  REIVER: Why would he leave?

  OLIVIA: Who?

  REIVER: George.

  OLIVIA: I don’t know I’ve never met him.

  REIVER: I need to speak to him. I need to talk him out of it.

  OLIVIA: I am being hypothetical.

  REIVER: (reiver is mildly hyperventilating.) You are making me hypothetical.

  OLIVIA: George is not leaving.

  REIVER: He is not leaving?

  OLIVIA: No. I am pretending that he is to make a point.

  REIVER: And what is the point?

  OLIVIA: That if he was, would you be suspicious of him?

  REIVER: No.

  ARTHUR begins waking up.

  OLIVIA: Exactly. Division creates suspicion. If we are kept apart from each other, by borders, for instance, then we start to believe that we are different from each other. And we will begin to /...

  REIVER stuns him again.

  OLIVIA: What did you do that for?

  REIVER: We were talking, it was nice. I didn’t want him waking up and ruining it.

  OLIVIA: Stop electrocuting my boyfriend!

  REIVER: It’s quite a thing this. It’s like a people pause button.

  I thought we would get guns, but we have to work for one week before we get guns.

  OLIVIA: They are really taking this seriously.

  REIVER: Well, we’ve all seen what can happen if a nation has a poorly defended border.

  OLIVIA: And you think this piece of tape will stop anyone entering our country?

  REIVER: It’s temporary.

  OLIVIA: And what is a wall? You think walls haven’t been built and smashed before?

  REIVER: I should mention some of this to George. I have a feeling he is a man who enjoys an ideological chat.

  REIVER takes out a notebook and makes notes.

  REIVER: Could you say some of that stuff again?

  OLIVIA: No.

  REIVER: I’ll have to paraphrase then. I hope George doesn’t mind me paraphrasing. Actually, I could use your input on a particular predicament I am currently staring down the barrel of.

  OLIVIA: ... I’m not helping you border the duck pond!

  REIVER: This isn’t so bad there are a million lines we are not allowed to cross. You should be used to it by now.

  OLIVIA: What do you mean?

  REIVER: Well, you see signs everywhere, don’t you? Do not cross this line. Do not enter this door. Do not touch the animals.

  OLIVIA: This is different.

  REIVER: And you hear people say, you have just crossed the line. Or don’t cross the line. You are walking a fine line.

  OLIVIA: I think that’s three different ways of saying the same thing.

  REIVER: Well you get the point. There are plenty of imaginary lines we are not allowed to cross. I don’t see what makes this one so different.

  OLIVIA: It’s completely different. This is a physical border with possibly life-altering consequences for crossing.

  REIVER: Yeah, but it’s similar.

  OLIVIA: It’s not very similar.

  REIVER: It’s a little similar.

  OLIVIA: It’s completely different.

  REIVER: They both have to do with lines.

  OLIVIA: I’m getting sick of you.

  REIVER: That is not very nice.

  OLIVIA: We still don’t know how I am going to get ARTHUR back to this country?

  REIVER: I’m not sure what the procedure is. I’m not even sure if there is a procedure yet.

  OLIVIA: You are a border guard. How can you not know the procedure?

  REIVER: I imagine he will have to get permission from this country to enter. If he is from here, and he has the documents to prove it, then that won’t be a problem. But first he will have to tell the country that he is in, that he is in it. You can’t leave a country, that you aren’t in, can you?

  OLIVIA: What documents?

  REIVER: His passport.

  OLIVIA: Then why didn’t you just say passport?

  REIVER: Documents sounds better.

  ARTHUR is coming around. Unseen by the others.

  OLIVIA: He won’t have his passport with him.

  REIVER: Why not?

  OLIVIA: Because when we came for a romantic walk in the park, we didn’t think we would be involved in an international crisis. I’ll go home and get it.

  OLIVIA exits, quickly.

  REIVER: Wait... You can’t leave...

  ARTHUR: What’s happening?

  REIVER doesn’t know whether to follow her or stay with ARTHUR.

  REIVER: Come back.

  ARTHUR: What’s going on?

  REIVER: You were threatening national security, so I stunned you with an electronic tazer.

  ARTHUR: Oh. Right.

  REIVER: Olivia has gone to your home to collect documents.

  ARTHUR: What documents?

  REIVER: Your passport.

  ARTHUR: Then why didn’t you just say passport?

  REIVER: Don’t you start.

  ARTHUR: When Olivia gets my passport, can I come back over?

  REIVER: I don’t know.

  ARTHUR: You don’t know anything.

  REIVER: Look, I want to get this straightened out as much as you do. I’m not happy standing here all day, stunning you with my stun gun. Actually, that bit I did quite enjoy. But for the most part I wouldn’t mind getting back to work. For one thing, the pond is a bloody mess. Ducks and geese, coming and going.

  ARTHUR: Leave the ducks alone.

  REIVER: Not to mention fish, who knows what they are getting up to under the water, where no eyes can see.

  ARTHUR: They are probably just breathing and swimming.

  REIVER: Yes, but on which side of the border?

  ARTHUR: So you are going to impose your border on the fish as well. What about the birds? What about the wind? You don’t want that passing from country to country unchecked.

  REIVER: You do go on.

  ARTHUR: No I don’t.

  REIVER: You do. Even Olivia thinks you go on.

  ARTHUR: No she doesn’t.

  REIVER: She thinks you are all talk and no action.

  ARTHUR: I am action. I am major action. I’m an action man.

  REIVER: I don’t see you taking any action.

  ARTHUR: I have just been electrocuted. I don’t feel like taking action right now.

  REIVER: I was only doing my duty.

  ARTHUR: You were doing your duty to this stupid border.

  REIVER: This border is for your own good.

  ARTHUR: I’ve heard that before. That is what everyone says when they are doing something that is quite clearly not for your own good.

  REIVER: It may not be helping you personally, but as an overall system.

  ARTHUR: As an overall system, shouldn’t it still be helping me personally?

  REIVER: Listen ARTHUR, you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

  ARTHUR: I do.

  REIVER: You are obviously not involved, like Olivia.

&nb
sp; ARTHUR: I don’t want to be involved. That is my whole point. I don’t want to be stuck in border disputes, or need documents, or argue with authoritative figures. I want to be the least involved person who ever lived.

  REIVER: You think I am an authoritative figure?

  ARTHUR: That is not important.

  REIVER: I’ll take that as a yes.

  ARTHUR: Does it matter?

  REIVER: It does to me.

  ARTHUR: Not that.

  REIVER: Then what?

  ARTHUR: Does it really make that much of a difference?

  REIVER: Not to me.

  ARTHUR: You don’t even know what I am about to say.

  REIVER: But if you are about to say it it probably doesn’t make much of a difference to me.

  ARTHUR: Does it really make that much of a difference which side I am from?

  REIVER: I think it does.

  ARTHUR: Why though?

  REIVER: Well, we go to all of the trouble in drawing the line, we may as well act like it means something.

  ARTHUR: I just want to be back over there with Olivia.

  REIVER: Not possible I’m afraid. Now you stay well on your side of the line or you will get another house call from Dr. Stun Gun.

  ARTHUR: Fine.

  Silence.

  REIVER: She is nice isn’t she?

  ARTHUR: Who?

  REIVER: What do you mean who? The only girl here.

  ARTHUR: Olivia?

  REIVER: Yes. Olivia.

  ARTHUR: You think she’s nice?

  REIVER: She’s attractive, spirited, and so involved.

  ARTHUR: She is involved all right.

  REIVER: She can be a little annoying at times. A little pushy, I think and, possibly a little too high maintenance.

  ARTHUR: She isn’t pushy.

  REIVER: She is pretty pushy.

  ARTHUR: Well, she isn’t high maintenance.

  REIVER: Really?

  ARTHUR: Maybe a little. And she can be annoying. She goes on and on and on. Sometimes I just want to tell her to shut her mouth for one minute, but I never do. I don’t know why.

  REIVER: You can’t tell a woman to shut her mouth for one minute. They don’t like it.

  ARTHUR: Are you married?

  REIVER: No. Actually, I shouldn’t be revealing any details about my personal life.

  ARTHUR: Why not?

  REIVER: I wouldn’t want to encourage vendetta.

  ARTHUR: Vendetta? I am not even brave enough to step over a tape line, you think I am the vendetta type?

  REIVER: No I’m not married.

  ARTHUR: Girlfriend?

  REIVER: No.

  ARTHUR: Ever had one?

  REIVER: Not really. Women have never seemed to like me very much.

  ARTHUR: I wonder why?

  REIVER: Me too. I always thought I would be quite a catch. I am enthusiastic and organised.

  ARTHUR: I am not sure how much of a part organisation has to play.

  REIVER: But women never seemed to give me a chance. That is why I am pleased I have this job. I am important now.

  I have an important job. And hopefully a nice girl will see that, and she will like me.

  ARTHUR: I’m sure she will.

  REIVER: How did you get Olivia?

  ARTHUR: Get her what?

  REIVER: Get her. Get her to be your girlfriend.

  ARTHUR: Actually, I think it was more the other way around.

  REIVER: You made her do a bit of chasing, did you?

  ARTHUR: Yes, but not in the way you might think.

  REIVER: What do you mean?

  ARTHUR: Well, I don’t think it counts if you don’t know you are being chased. I’m not very good at reading signs.

  REIVER: Are you going to marry her?

  ARTHUR: What? Am I...marry Olivia? I don’t know. Maybe.

  I mean I could. I definitely could...do that. Not yet I don’t think. But in the future. I suppose, I might.

  REIVER: Wow. They say when you know you really know.

  ARTHUR: I do know. I mean I think I know. I don’t know.

  REIVER: Is that why you don’t want to cross back over, because you don’t want to marry her?

  ARTHUR: No, I do want to cross back over, you won’t let me.

  REIVER: I’ll let you if you get Olivia to set me up with one of her friends.

  ARTHUR: You must be joking.

  REIVER: No, I’m not.

  ARTHUR: I wish I was a duck.

  REIVER: ... What is the thing with you and ducks?

  OLIVIA enters.

  OLIVIA: I’ve got his... Arthur...

  OLIVIA makes to cross to him. REIVER stands between them.

  REIVER: Whoa whoa whoa! How many times do I have to tell you? You can’t cross the border without permission. You don’t have permission. So stay put.

  OLIVIA: Look, I don’t know who you are, or why we have put up with so much of your shit. But I am getting sick of it now. We have done everything you asked and you have done nothing for us. Well, we are not going to stand for it any more. Come on Arthur let’s go home.

  Silence.

  OLIVIA: Arthur, cross over.

  ARTHUR: I don’t want to.

  OLIVIA: Why not?

  ARTHUR: Because something might happen to me.

  OLIVIA: It won’t.

  ARTHUR: It might.

  OLIVIA: It won’t.

  REIVER: It might.

  OLIVIA: It won’t.

  ARTHUR: Olivia, it is to big a chance for me to take.

  OLIVIA: You wouldn’t risk your life for me?

  ARTHUR: No.

  OLIVIA: Arthur! That is not very romantic.

  ARTHUR: Would you want me to?

  OLIVIA: Maybe.

  ARTHUR: It wouldn’t make sense.

  OLIVIA: I suppose not.

  ARTHUR: It would be much more practical to wait and see if a more diplomatic solution could be found.

  REIVER: He’s right.

  ARTHUR: Would you risk your life for me?

  OLIVIA: Definitely not.

  ARTHUR: Exactly.

  REIVER: I would risk my life for you Olivia.

  OLIVIA: Really?

  REIVER: Yes. As long as I knew I wouldn’t lose it.

  OLIVIA: That’s not really the same thing.

  REIVER: Well, it’s more than Arthur would do. He wouldn’t even consider it.

  ARTHUR: I didn’t say I wouldn’t. I would consider it.

  REIVER: You would consider it, but you definitely wouldn’t do it.

  ARTHUR: Yes. No.

  REIVER: I would more than consider it. I would consider it an honour.

  Silence.

  REIVER: I wish I hadn’t said that.

  OLIVIA: Arthur you are such a coward.

  ARTHUR: So?

  OLIVIA: What do you mean so?

  ARTHUR: I don’t care.

  OLIVIA: How can you not care? You are a man, aren’t you?

  ARTHUR: What has that got to do with it?

  OLIVIA: Men are supposed to hate being called cowards.

  ARTHUR: Olivia, we are not in the Wild West, you know?

  OLIVIA: Still you are supposed to be courageous.

  ARTHUR: Courageous? What exactly can I be courageous with?

  REIVER: I consider myself courageous.

  OLIVIA: Good for you.

  REIVER: I’m also very organised.

  OLIVIA: So?

  ARTHUR: I told you they didn’t like it.

  REIVER: I can’t believe I am just finding this out now.

  ARTHUR: Why don’t you come over here?

  OLIVIA: What?

  ARTHUR: Why don’t you step onto this side? I am obviously not brave enough to cross, so you will have to cross over here.

  OLIVIA: I can’t.

  ARTHUR: Why not?

  OLIVIA: Because all of my stuff is on this side.

  ARTHUR: Stuff?

  OLIVIA: My life is on this side.

  ARTHUR: And I am on this
side.

  OLIVIA: All of my things are over here.

  ARTHUR: Leave them. We can start a new life over here.

  OLIVIA: I don’t want to.

  ARTHUR: Why not?

  OLIVIA: Arthur, you’re being ridiculous.

  ARTHUR: You’re scared.

  OLIVIA: I am not.

  ARTHUR: Well go on then, cross.

  REIVER: Turning the tables. Nicely done Arthur.

  ARTHUR: Thank you.

  OLIVIA: You don’t think that I will cross the line? I will cross the line. I cross lines all day long.

  ARTHUR: Go on then.

  OLIVIA: Okay. I will. I will. I’ll cross.

  Silence.

  ARTHUR: Go on then.

  REIVER: Yeah! I mean no. Don’t do it, you are not allowed.

  OLIVIA: Quiet! Here goes.

  Pause. A red siren light on one side of the stage.

  REIVER: Back up.

  ARTHUR: Back up?

  REIVER: George has sent them to protect me.

  OLIVIA: Well, I definitely can’t cross now.

  ARTHUR: But we haven’t done anything wrong.

  REIVER: You haven’t yet.

  ARTHUR: I want to go home.

  REIVER: I think that is what they are worried about.

  OLIVIA: I brought his passport.

  REIVER: Could you please call them documents? Or papers?

  Your choice.

  OLIVIA: I’ve got his documents.

  REIVER: Let me take a look at them. Yes, good. So, you are from this country?

  ARTHUR: This is getting out of hand.

  REIVER: Your middle name is Leslie?

  ARTHUR: Not that it is any of your business.

  REIVER: First thing we will have to do is figure out what the official procedure is for getting these papers to you.

  OLIVIA: I’ll pass them to him.

  REIVER: I wouldn’t do that. That would be smuggling.

  OLIVIA: No, I’ll hand them to him.

  REIVER: It seems to me that handing an unknown package across a controversial border, in plain sight of a few dozen border guards, is not the smartest thing to do.

  OLIVIA: Fine. Then talk to George. Tell him we have Arthur’s passport.

  REIVER: Documents.

  OLIVIA: Tell him that we have Arthur’s documents. Tell him that we are innocent. That we are non-violent. That we are co-operating. Ask him what the procedure is, for getting Arthur back over.

  REIVER: I will ask him what the procedure is, but that is only because I would like to know myself, not because you asked me to. George. Hello George. Yes they are here. Thank you for sending them. I have got things under control. I will. I’ll stay with them at all times. The thing is George, he is from this country, wants to re-enter. What is the procedure? Really? I’ll tell them.