Poetry Collection Three: Interpersonal Transgressions

by Ashley Rebecca Kingston

  To lose myself in love for real

  I used to believe in so many things

  I used to fall for all the damn lies

  But now that I can see just a little

  Through all the thick dirty smoke

  I don’t want to leave the house

  But to only find that real true love

  I’d give my soul to be that lost

  Little Boy

  September.27.2002

  boy you don’t know, what you’re doing

  boy you know, I’d drive you to ruin

  you should really know that by now

  you couldn’t handle me if you tried

  boy you don’t know, what you’re doing

  boy you know, I’d drive you to ruin

  Love Hate Relationship

  October.02.2002

  I fell deeply in love with him back then

  And I was angry and hurt when he left

  Now I guess we’re just kind of friends

  But I guess he doesn’t really mind sex

  I am so very confused and going crazy

  Because I don’t know what I should be doing

  Should I have sex just because I want to

  Or should I just finally walk away from him

  Before I get hurt even more then I already am

  Liking Her In That Way

  October.18.2002

  I think I like her in that way

  And it is more than a little scary

  To feel so powerful to not breathe

  And yet so weak in the knees

  To feel so right but somehow feeling wrong

  Because I don’t know what she is thinking

  Is it just me or am I making things up

  Is it just me or could I be in love

  Hoping It Was More

  October.18.2002

  Looking away if I saw I got a glance

  Hoping too hard that it was more than that

  But I always hope for too much in my life

  So I’ll just fall back into my corner again

  I look around the loud room sometimes

  Just being who I am and a little nosey

  I saw someone watching me intently

  They look away immediately and I do too

  I think I am a little too different to be around people

  That must be why I hate them so much

  Or maybe people are just too stupid for me

  I don’t respond very well to stupidly and rudeness

  Yet I am also scared to be around people

  Because I think I am too emotional

  I think I am childish falling for lies and compliments

  It is so hard for me to just be me without regrets

  Looking away if I saw I got a glance

  Hoping too hard that it was more than that

  But I always hope for too much in my life

  So I’ll just fall back into my corner again

  Ignoring Scared Man

  October.21.2002

  I watch him so intently, when he softly speaks

  I don’t think he knows, I always notice him

  He usually doesn’t acknowledge, that I am even here

  Which I don’t understand, because I am always around

  I like him very much, and would love to get to know him more

  But that is hard to do, when he kind of just ignores me

  I love the way he smells, I am so drawn to him

  All I ask is one little chance, to just listen to his mind

  All I want is to know, if I have a chance with him

  Deep Love

  October.23.2002

  To fall in love so deeply

  You can’t see your own hands

  You don’t believe your friends

  When they say it won’t turn out

  You find yourself to be lost

  In your thoughts of losing it

  To be drowning you in fear each night

  To think of these sad things is dangerous

  For all you really see is the light

  To only be happy every single night

  I think is just a dream for some of us

  Pain In My Discovery

  October.24.2002

  my tongue really hurts

  it’s tied in knots

  my stomach really hurts

  it’s flying in circles

  my body starts aching

  and I feel empty inside

  when I think of him

  I don’t know what to say

  so I hide within my self

  I don’t want to change

  but I want to be like him

  I don’t want to move

  afraid I’ll lose this moment

  lots of things hurt inside

  it’s always hard to breathe

  in the pain of my discovery

  That Lyle-ing Man

  October.27.2002

  He came to my house and asked me out for real, fucking hell…

  This time in a different way, I can’t believe this really happened

  He wrote me a little letter, attached to it a fake flower

  Yellow and white, meaning friendship and forgiveness

  My first thought… was what the fuck?!

  My second thought… was I am at a loss for words

  I really don’t know, what to think of this situation

  I want to ask someone, for any opinion on this

  He said in the letter; he was sorry for lying in the past

  And these past couple weeks, have sucked for him

  Supposedly because, I wasn’t around him

  I’m sorry, but that just sounds so contrived and lame to me!

  He is a friend of a friend, in a group of people I know

  And every time we are around each other, we bicker like children

  But I do not think, I could ever really trust him

  He lies to me, to others and to himself all the time

  But he follows me around, and listens to me so intently

  He falls for everything, he does everything I say

  I think I might be using him, he has driven me around in his car

  But he can’t see anything, but his own made up stupid stories and lies

  I don’t trust any man, especially men who lie

  And I fear I’ve lost my trust, in thinking all men just want sex

  He seems just a little desperate, just a little too desperate for something

  He must really want something from me, he must want something!

  He actually asked me out, shit what do I do?

  He wrote a little letter, with a fake flower attached

  Yellow and white, meaning friendship and forgiveness

  It all just feels so fake, he must want something from me

  That Lyle-ing Man II

  October.28.2002

  Remember that guy who asked me out, the one with the little letter and fake flower attached?

  You know that guy, who thinks all his lies are the truth?

  Well he didn’t show up when he was supposed to, for the weekly meetings where both attended

  So I called him, I waited until the day after that…

  I did of course talk to my friends beforehand, because I desperately needed others opinions on this

  To find my thoughts, to find some clarity in actions

  I told them mostly everything, and at first they said hell no!

  But then after they read the little letter, the no changed to a yes

  I was very unsure of myself in this situation, in the beginning

  But I was just quietly thinking, and I can find my thoughts

  I feel in my gut, I don’t think I’ll say yes

  If I think about it, I have to say no

  Lets see, for a few different reason I can think of…

  I honestly do not believe him, it just does not feel sincere

  And I’d rather date other guys more, that must mean something

  So I think
why even bother, there is no real point

  We can be friends I guess, but he’ll never get that close

  No I Can Not

  November.11.2002

  This I think can’t be,

  to be seeing you with her.

  I know it can’t be real,

  as your hand holds onto hers.

  I just want to pull her hair,

  and tie you up in a chair.

  I’ve never seen you with anyone but me.

  I can just see it in my mind’s eye.

  This happening when I really don’t need it.

  And it hurts to even think of.

  It’s been so long since we were one.

  But I still find it hard to think we are apart.

  For Sure

  November.16.2002

  For him, I’d do anything

  … so don’t get in the way

  For him, I’d go crazy for

  … so don’t start anything

  For him I’d fight a war

  … so don’t even bother trying

  For him, I’d give up everything

  … so don’t doubt me

  For him, I’d give my life

  … so don’t get in the way

  Only One Way Out

  December.14.2002

  He is the only…. one

  For me I know

  But I watched him walk away

  I try not to cry anymore

  I now turn my back to this life

  I believe in nothing

  I trust no one ever at all

  There is no love left for me

  I am too afraid to give anything

  I think I might be…. empty

  Every time I’ve tried

  I just end up bleeding more

  Pleasuring

  January.01.2003

  I can pleasure myself

  but it’s just not the same

  as his hands on my body

  as his tongue on my skin

  I can’t touch myself

  to be able to feel

  the way his hands

  on my body feels

  I feel dirty even though I’ve tried

  it’s just not the same in my mind

  nothing I can do can do it right

  my body just wants him to pleasure me

  Wrap Around

  January.05.2003

  put your arms tightly around me,

  ….. and fly me away.

  hold my hands warmly in yours,

  .. and take me to a different place.

  wrap and twist your mind around mine,

  .. and tell me everything you know.

  let yourself be consumed,

  … by all that we can do,

  .. for all that we can give and create together.

  put your arms tightly around me,

  ….. and take me far away.

  Washing

  January.06.2003

  Envisioning the sensation,

  .. of soft fingertips on skin.

  Standing in the bathtub,

  with the water just running.

  Water tumbling down body parts,

  … as warm touches cold.

  I find myself quietly moaning,

  .. and sighing for some more.

  Thinking of insane naughty things,

  … as my blood rushes South.

  Holding onto the walls,

  because I think I need the help.

  I use what memories I have,

  of you in compromising positions.

  And pretend you're quietly here,

  … secretly watching me wash.

  Stupid Me Hurting

  January.22.2003

  why am i so damn hurt

  i don’t even know him

  why did i trust him so much

  to be alone in his house

  with just him and his roommate

  why was i suddenly so shy and quiet

  and why do i somehow feel so betrayed

  am i just completely insane

  or what the hell is wrong with me

  why do i portray myself as black and white

  when the real me is really grey

  i just don’t understand my stupidity

  I Danced Anyway

  January.24.2003

  I danced wondering, if he’d be there

  Finally forgetting about him, we were ready to leave

  He saw me, before I saw him

  With his face in mine, I said hey

  I told him to wait, while I went to the washroom

  He was surprisingly still there, when I came back

  Waiting like a lost little puppy, he just obeyed me

  I took him outside, around the side of the building

  I didn’t drag him, but my arms was in his

  He said, don’t do it, I looked at him wondering what he was thinking I’d do

  I just wanted to talk, he must have thought I’d jump him

  We talked for a little bit, while my friend patiently waited

  I kept stupidly asking, if we were friends or more

  If he wanted, for us to be friends or more

  I felt I needed an answer right there and then, I was buzzed and being pushy

  I wanted to touch and kiss him, I did kiss him but just a peck

  He said he’d like just friends, but kept giving me mixed signals

  He kept asking, what if he kissed me, I think that is what he said

  I am not supposed to because of my new tongue piercing, but I really wish he had

  I really wonder if I am desirable, just when men are drunk

  It hurts to think of that, but I have nothing to say otherwise

  I kept touching him a lot, complimenting and trying to flirt

  But he did too, touching my body and my face so much

  Acting like he wanted to kiss me, and kissing my face

  I reluctantly had to finally leave, and to let go of him

  My friend and I finally left, to go to a different bar

  And all I could stupidly think of was him, I would have given anything

  I really hope he will still call, and we can hang out and see

  If he really likes me and is just cautious, or if I really am a complete idiot

  I think I really do like him, and am hoping to see him again and soon

  To talk and hang out and see, if he really likes me at all

  Or if he is just jerking me around, what an asshole if so

  We met and hung out and liked what he saw, but what else

  Fine Line

  January.30.2003

  There is a fine line…. between us

  And it scares me to see

  How it just all…. just disappears

  Each time we…. are together

  We are intertwined ending as one

  With no other choices

  Things just happen that way

  The outside world just falls away

  And it scares me to know there is

  A thin fine line of difference…. between us

  Why Do I Keep Stupidly Running

  February.03.2003

  why do I keep running after you?

  just hoping we’ll flirt, hoping for a kiss, next time, next time…

  why do I dress up, makeup on, trying to look pretty?

  in hopes we’ll be face to face, too close to resist

  in hopes you’ll touch my skin with your hand again

  was I really a fool to think you liked me back

  was I really a fool to think we could be together for real

  why do I keep running

  when I am out of breath

  when I can’t see myself no longer

  I just keep looking for you

  when I really don’t understand me

  so how can I understand you

  when you blow me off

  saying we can be just friends

  I think I’ll walk away this time

  maybe run in the oth
er direction

  I don’t see why I think I want you anymore

  Totally Flirting With Her

  February.15.2003

  I was holding her….. close-close

  We were looking deeply into each other’s eyes

  … with that look, that look that can’t be disguised

  But what were we thinking?

  What did we really want from each other?

  Because nothing ever happened…

  So close, like close-close… but it’s all just in the past now

  I was always wanting her close to me

  Such a warm-soft-smoking hot-hour glass body

  Smooth-fluttering-sweet blonde hair in my grasp

  Pouty-voluptuous lips of an angel

  … Such subtle little hints in the air

  You pointed out that I was hitting on you

  ….. like some school boy crush

  I think you liked the attention from the onlookers

  I’m really torn as to what you were in it for

  Because… I wanted to get closer

  .. I wanted more than a fleeting kiss

  I wanted to engulf you….. close-close

  But I wonder if it was just a fleeting moment in time

  I wanted you for so long… I’ve loved you for so long

  Keep going back for more………. despite the warning signs

  … as I brush away the blood from my beaten and bruised heart

  Yes I was totally flirting with her

  But I wanted so much more

  My William

  March.01.2003

  he is a big aries bad ass

  a new girl on his arm every night

  which i did not know at the time

  but i don't care

  he is what i wanted