Never Ever Tell

by Kirsty Ferguson

  Never Ever Tell

  Kirsty Ferguson

  For mum, a survivor

  Contents

  Part I

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Part II

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Chapter 28

  Acknowledgments

  More from Kirsty Ferguson

  About the Author

  About Boldwood Books

  Part I

  1

  Life wasn’t meant to be easy. This was the realization that Vanessa Sawyer had come to. Nothing in her life had turned out the way she had planned, except motherhood, and even then, it had not been an easy road. But she loved her kids, Wren and Ty. They had saved her; they were the reason she woke up in the morning.

  She’d married young, just gone eighteen. Mark, her husband, had been in her year at high school and had been dating her best friend Maggie for months. He was nice, charming, popular, and she’d had a crush on him for a while. Looking back, Vanessa could now admit that it was him who had put this whole thing in motion, but she had allowed it by letting herself be swayed by his advances. And she had paid for it.

  The high-school dance. An evening of supposedly innocent fun, that ended up staying with Vanessa forever. Maggie left the dance early, saying she didn’t feel well. Mark called her parents to ask them to come and get her. Tucking her into the back seat of the car, he kissed her cheek like a good boyfriend. A truly good boyfriend would have driven her home himself, but he didn’t want to. That much was obvious. Perhaps Vanessa’s entire relationship with Mark would never have happened had he driven Maggie home, but then she would never have fallen pregnant with Wren, her beautiful boy. When Mark strolled back into the hall, his eyes caught hers. He reached for her upper arm and held it firmly. She felt the electricity between them, the thrill of the unexpected and forbidden. He rubbed his thumb along her skin in a way that was entirely too familiar. She tried to pull away.

  ‘Come with me,’ he said, just loud enough so only she could hear him. Vanessa saw the heat, the desire in his eyes as he led her out into the cool evening air. Outside, the thumping music was muted, and fractured clouds streamed across the moon, casting dappled light onto their clandestine meeting.

  Mark pushed a tendril of hair from Vanessa’s face and tucked it behind her ear. Again, she felt the magnetism of his illicit touch. His fingers trailed lightly down her cheek, coming to rest on her shoulder. His other hand slid protectively around her waist as he pulled her close, like a real lover, swaying her gently, slow dancing with her under the privacy of the evening sky. At that moment, she felt like she was the only girl in the world. Nothing bad could ever happen to her. She was pretty, popular, and worthy of being in Mark’s arms. Her body begged for his touch, craved it. She wanted to taste him, run her hands over his body, claim what wasn’t hers to claim. She knew it was wrong, but she could no more leave the comfort of his arms than the sun could stop its ascent into the breaking morning sky. It was only the two of them, locked in an embrace that threatened to tear their worlds apart. Vanessa molded her body to his. Her heart raced as his hand moved lower, curving over her hip. The universe didn’t exist outside of their bubble; a bubble she wasn’t going to break.

  Small towns had their secrets, and this was just one more to be kept, guarded by some unseen force. Vanessa should have known that nothing ever stayed truly hidden, buried, but in that heady moment, held tenderly in Mark’s arms, she couldn’t care less. Let the world do its worst. She knew from Maggie’s whispered confessions under the cover of darkness that she and Mark had never done it. Maggie had stated firmly that she’d never ‘fuck’ until she was married. Her parents were religious whereas Vanessa’s parents trusted her to make good choices, and swaying in Mark’s arms as he nuzzled her neck, this felt like a good but dangerous one. Her heart was cleaved down the middle. Which should she choose – loyalty or lust?

  ‘You want this as much as I do, Ness,’ he whispered into her ear, sending shivers along her spine. Of course she wanted it.

  ‘What about Maggie?’ she countered, pulling back and looking at him, their lustful gazes locked together.

  ‘I haven’t been happy in ages; I just didn’t know how to tell her. I’m ready to dump her, but it would be better if I had someone else to be with, to go to. It would make it easier. Are you gonna be that girl, Ness?’ He brushed her lips with his, just a whisper of a touch, but it was enough. She groaned a little, her defenses crumbling.

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered.

  ‘You’ll be mine?’

  ‘Yes.’

  The night breeze picked up, causing goose bumps to cover Vanessa’s arms. Mark suggested that they get into the back of his van and warm up. ‘We could… talk some more.’

  She nodded and followed him inside. There was an old, narrow pine bench seat bolted to the floor, and a mattress covered in a sheet taking up the rest of the back of the van.

  ‘That seat is a bit hard,’ Mark said. He dropped onto the mattress. ‘This is much more comfortable. Why don’t you come and sit by me?’

  He made no attempt to hide the lust on his face; it showed in the way he smiled and how his gaze hovered over her figure before locking with her eyes.

  Suddenly a pang of guilt tore through Vanessa.

  ‘I should go.’

  Mark saw the indecision on her face. ‘I need you. Don’t go.’ His voice had a vulnerable note to it, and she turned back, staring at him. She could still hear the music, just, and closed her eyes for a moment. She opened them again when she heard soft music coming from inside the van. The song’s lyrics spoke of everlasting love and how you, too, could have it. Love everlasting. She swayed with the gentle beat, eyes closed, tucking her legs under as she joined Mark on the mattress.

  She opened her eyes when she felt Mark’s lips on hers again, insistent this time. Her first real kiss. His tongue explored her mouth, and she gasped. She didn’t know that her body would respond this way. Mistaking her shock for pleasure, he pulled her closer, kissing her even deeper. One warm hand slid onto her slightly cool knee, traveling slowly up to her thigh where his fingertip drew lazy circles.

  Vanessa pulled back when his finger hooked under her underwear. ‘I’ve never felt like this before, Ness.’ She loved hearing her nickname fall from his lips. It rolled off his tongue with such ease and possession. Any lingering doubts disappeared like snow on a warm winter’s morning. ‘There’ve been others, but they meant nothing to me.’

  He kissed the nape of her neck and God help her if it didn’t feel like a little piece of heaven. She tilted her head to the side and let out a small giggle. Mark ran his hand down her long and loose hair, pulling on it affectionately. He turned her gently and laid her down on the mattress. She smiled up at him, and he stared back at her with desire in his eyes.

  This was really going to happen.

  He removed her underwear, then he spread her legs gently and moved in between them. She could feel how hard he was, and she felt light-headed with desire. She had done that to him. Her body. He settled his weight on her, and she let out a small sigh. She realized
that her reservations about loyalty and friendship were almost gone. She was here, with him; it was meant to be.

  He used one hand to pull down his pants and boxers. She saw him, really saw him, and had a moment of pure terror before he crushed his lips over hers, tongue battling hers in a fierce dance of desire. She felt him guide his cock inside her. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but the small, sharp pain was over within a moment or two. She began to buck her hips up to meet his thrusts. She’d never done this before, but instinctively she knew what to do. Some primal need in her made her cry out and claw at his back as he drove himself into her. When he leaned in close, she could smell the lingering scent of his aftershave. He thrust harder and faster, Vanessa meeting him each time, their flesh joining together before being drawn apart. She was keenly aware of each moment he was apart from her. She felt the tension building within Mark, within her, something she’d never felt before. He moved in and out of her as rolling waves of passion pushed all thoughts from her mind, breaking down the walls to her heart. She came. Hard. She bit down on his shoulder as he quickly came too.

  No longer a virgin, was her first thought, as the realization of what they’d just done dawned on her. Was she good? With a groan, Mark rolled off her, making the breath leave her body where his weight had flattened her into the mattress. She was a woman now, but what the hell was she going to say to Maggie? She struggled to sit up. Mark was pulling his pants back up, fastening them at his waist. She searched for her underwear, quickly pulling them over her legs.

  ‘Will you tell her?’ Vanessa asked Mark.

  His eyes caught the moonlight, glinting until he turned away from her. ‘Sure, baby. Tomorrow.’

  Vanessa was buoyed by the thought. She would lose a friend, a best friend, because of her actions, but she would gain Mark.

  Mark hadn’t told Maggie the next day as he’d promised he would. She saw them as they kissed in the hallways, Mark tenderly touching Maggie’s face the way he’d touched hers the night before. He refused to look at Vanessa. Ignored her. Acted like she didn’t even exist. Maggie, in her love bubble, didn’t notice the shift in dynamics between the two of them nor the looks of pain on her best friend’s face. Vanessa had given up her virginity in the back of a van to a boy that had lied to her. He had never planned to dump Maggie; he’d just wanted to get laid. To fuck. It made her sick to her stomach to think of how easily she had been manipulated.

  Soon enough, Vanessa stopped hanging around Maggie altogether. It was too hard to be near the lying sack of shit that was her boyfriend. Mark’s cheating weighed heavily on Vanessa’s mind and with each passing day, she felt the urge to confess to Maggie. To unburden herself. Yet, despite the way he had lied to her, Vanessa was still a little in love with Mark, and she hated herself for it. He was her first and she would never forget him. When they went their separate ways after graduation, he’d become just one of the many memories, but in the darkest part of the night, she would admit that he was still worth the agony.

  Vanessa only realized that she had missed a few periods during class six months later. Fun fact: learning that you’re pregnant during health class is horrific. Her face flushed a deep shade of red, then turned deathly pale as the reality of her situation overwhelmed her. Her stomach churned as she looked at the diagram projected onto the screen. How could she not have known what was going on? Fuck!

  She groaned and the guy sitting next to her shot his hand into the air. ‘Mr Goode? I think Vanessa’s about to throw up.’ He moved away from her, leaning to the side, just in case.

  She didn’t throw up; she hadn’t, she must have skipped that stage. This explained so much. The tender breasts, the weight gain, turning her slim frame into a curvy one. Vanessa had just thought she was putting on a bit of weight. It hadn’t even occurred to her that she might be pregnant.

  She was having Mark’s baby. What the fuck was she going to do now?

  Well, she couldn’t put it off any longer. She was starting to show and wearing a thick jumper over her school dress wasn’t going to cut it anymore. She had to tell him, now, before someone else did. She’d have to tell—no, she couldn’t think of that right now. She didn’t even want to think about that conversation.

  Vanessa waited until the bell clanged, echoing down the hallway, until most of the people had cleared, until Maggie had gone. Vanessa walked up to him nervously, biting on her bottom lip, brushing loose hair from her face impatiently.

  ‘Mark,’ she said, urgency coloring her voice.

  ‘Vanessa,’ he said sharply. Gone was ‘Ness’. He looked around to make sure that no one was watching them speak. It cut her deeply, the lengths he would go to hurt her. She was his dirty little secret. Well not for much longer. Maggie had finally noticed that her best friend wasn’t around as much and blamed herself for letting their friendship slide because she was with Mark. Vanessa, holding back tears, had told her that wasn’t it at all, she was just busy getting ready for final exams.

  A baby. How weird it was to even think those words let alone say them out loud to him, yet here she was, about to say them to someone else for the first time.

  ‘I have something to tell you,’ Vanessa began.

  ‘What? You want another go? I’m with Maggie.’

  ‘Didn’t stop you last time.’ The retort left her lips before her brain engaged. His murderous look at being challenged made her step back and put some distance between them. It was now or never. ‘I’m pregnant,’ she blurted out, snapping her mouth shut after the offending words were in the open.

  ‘It’s not mine,’ he said immediately.

  She had expected him to deny it and he hadn’t disappointed. Coward.

  ‘Well, I was a virgin before I slept with you and I haven’t been with anyone else since. Kinda got scared off men. It’s yours, Mark. Congratulations, Daddy.’ She shouldn’t have baited him, but he deserved it.

  He slammed his hand into his locker. ‘What the fuck, Ness? How could you let this happen?’ he demanded, blowing out a frustrated breath.

  ‘How could I let this happen? You seduced me. Told me lies to get me to sleep with you. Don’t you dare blame me.’

  Anger flared in his eyes. ‘Fuck!’ he hissed, running a hand through his hand, pulling hard while he sized up the situation.

  ‘I’m keeping it. The baby, I mean. I’ll be graduating soon, and so will you,’ she pointed out. ‘You need to do the right thing. First, you need to tell Maggie, then your parents. Today.’

  His face was a mask of anger, something she had never seen before and hadn’t thought him capable of. He’d always seemed nice and sweet, if a little cocky.

  ‘Shit no. I’ll lose her.’

  ‘You’ve already lost her. As soon as she finds out, we’ve both lost her.’ Vanessa wiped a hand over her tired eyes. She wasn’t getting much sleep these days. ‘It’s a matter of when, not if, and it’s better coming from both of us. Safety in numbers and all that.’ She gave a small smile, but it felt wrong. Once Maggie found out, it would be like a bullet that couldn’t be unfired.

  ‘OK.’

  ‘OK, we’ll tell her together?’ She persisted.

  ‘Yes, goddammit.’

  ‘Tonight. Pick me up at six.’ Vanessa walked away without giving him a chance to respond. She heard him smash his fist into the locker again and she wondered what she was getting herself into. Too late now.

  Vanessa watched the second hand make yet another rotation, clicking loudly in the still, quiet room. She wasn’t eager to do this, but it had to be done all the same. Finally, the hands dragged themselves round to six o’clock. She heard a loud rumble outside and pulled the curtain aside. There was his van, and after a few moments it was evident he wasn’t coming to the door to get her.

  He revved the engine to get her attention and, as she walked toward his van, she wondered how she had ever thought it was romantic. The three of them had spent a lot of time in that van, going camping, road tripping for the day. It held memories, m
emories that were going to be overshadowed by worse ones in a few minutes. Poor Maggie. Vanessa felt her stomach constrict, and she wondered if she was going to throw up. Her life, Mark’s life and Maggie’s life were all going to be irrevocably changed.

  Mark didn’t say a word as she climbed awkwardly into the van, not even offering her a hand. Nor did he say anything on the short drive over to Maggie’s place. She wanted to be the one who told Maggie. She opened her mouth to say so when he barked. ‘I’ll do the talking.’

  Silently fuming, Vanessa slid out of the van and began dragging her feet toward the front door. Mark strode along in front of her. She didn’t want to be here, doing this, anything but this but she, they, had no choice. Vanessa reached past Mark to ring the doorbell, but he pushed her arm away and knocked on the door aggressively.

  Knock, knock, knock.

  Maggie opened the door. Her eyes widened and her face broke out into a huge grin. ‘My two favorite people!’ She proclaimed, wedging herself awkwardly between them and throwing her arms around them.

  Vanessa didn’t think she could possibly feel any lower than she did. She was wrong.

  ‘Come in, guys.’ She moved aside to let them pass, Vanessa’s rounded belly touching Maggie’s taunt one. ‘So, are you guys here to discuss my eighteenth birthday party? What do you have planned? I promise I’ll act surprised.’

  Shit! Maggie’s birthday was next weekend. Happy birthday to you.