Never Ever Tell

by Kirsty Ferguson

  Mark cleared his throat, his voice breaking slightly as he spoke. ‘Not exactly. We’ve… we’ve come to tell you something.’ His face was pale, sallow. ‘We… uh… sorry Mags, Vanessa and I. We slept together.’

  There. It was out now. He’d told her.

  ‘We’re… I’m so very sorry,’ Vanessa added.

  Maggie’s eyes swung from one to the other before a flush of rage raced up her neck to settle on her cheeks. ‘You’re sorry? You’re sorry?’ she screamed. She took a swing at Mark, who grabbed her hand easily in his. He held it down to her side.

  Despite this, Vanessa knew what was coming but did nothing to stop it. She deserved it. The slap from Maggie’s other hand caught her across her left eye. Maggie drew back again, ready to deliver another slap when Mark yelled, ‘Stop! She’s pregnant!’

  Maggie slapped her anyway. Vanessa hadn’t been expecting that one and her head rocked backward, neck cracking. Panting, Maggie stopped attacking her.

  ‘Shit, Maggie,’ Mark said, staring at his now former girlfriend.

  ‘You’re really pregnant?’ she asked tearfully.

  Vanessa wiped her hand across her lips, tasting metallic blood on her tongue. ‘Yeah. We didn’t mean for this to happen, Maggie. You have to believe me.’

  ‘It was an accident,’ Mark added unhelpfully.

  ‘Oh right. So your cock just fell inside her, huh?’ The sarcasm was heavy in Maggie’s voice. ‘Get the fuck outta my house,’ she said through gritted teeth.

  ‘Fine then,’ Mark spat. ‘Just remember that I tried to do the right thing here,’ he said unfairly.

  But how could Maggie be expected to react any differently? Vanessa stared forlornly at her best friend.

  ‘You heard me, get the fuck out,’ she snarled.

  Vanessa turned to leave but felt something lodge itself in her hair, close to her scalp, pulling back hard.

  ‘You fucking whore!’ screamed Maggie, pulling so hard that Vanessa fell to the floor. Tears fell silently onto Vanessa’s cheeks as she stared up at her old friend. ‘How could you?’ Maggie was crying too. Noisy, angry tears.

  It was like she was possessed, kicking out at Vanessa’s legs. Mark raced back into the house, grabbing her around the waist, picking Maggie up.

  ‘Get in the van. Now!’ he yelled as Vanessa hobbled out of the house and back to the van, hauling herself in.

  A few minutes later Mark slammed the front door and ran down the path, throwing himself in the driver’s seat and locking the door as if afraid that Maggie would give chase. Maggie would never forgive either one of them, and Vanessa didn’t blame her. They had betrayed her trust in the worst possible way. Vanessa felt a sudden rush in her stomach and opened the door just in time to vomit out into the gutter.

  ‘At least she didn’t stab me,’ he said. Vanessa didn’t know if he was joking or not. She didn’t care enough to ask.

  ‘As soon as I tell my parents, they’ll insist that we get married when I turn eighteen. I can stay at school until then.’

  ‘You know I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for you, Vanessa, but this isn’t what I want. I don’t want to be a dad. You don’t want to be a mom either, do you?’ He stared her down, the solution in his eyes.

  ‘Yes, I do and it’s too late now anyway.’ She held his stare.

  He hit the steering wheel. The horn giving out a short beep. ‘I’m telling my parents tonight. You should do the same,’ Vanessa said.

  ‘I guess I’ll call you soon.’ He was still trying to get out of it.

  ‘You guess? Tomorrow, Mark. After you’ve spoken to your parents tonight. Call me.’

  He frowned at her and pulled out onto the road. She did love him in a way, but she didn’t want him like this. Forced into marriage because of a baby. But this is where they were at and they’d have to make the best of it.

  Vanessa didn’t say anything as she hopped out of the van once Mark pulled up outside her house. She slammed the door, hearing it echo down the street. She felt sick about what they’d done to Maggie. She couldn’t get her look of betrayal out of her mind. Maybe she never would. It made her feel more nauseous, and she hung on to the hanging flower pot to keep her balance as her world tilted violently. The pot moved wildly under the grip, making her feel even worse.

  Mark drove off in a hurry. Home to share the good news with his parents that they were going to be grandparents? She didn’t exactly want to tell her parents either, as she knew what they’d say: it would be best if she married him, make the best of a bad situation. Vanessa slid the key into the lock, hesitating. She knew that once she said her piece, nothing would even be the same again.

  Her parents were in the kitchen when she quietly unlocked the door.

  ‘Ness, that you?’ her mother’s voice called out.

  Gently, Vanessa rubbed her stomach. There was no way she was getting rid of this baby, no matter what anyone said. She resigned herself to marrying Mark.

  ‘Yeah, Mom,’ she said wearily, her feet dragging as she headed into the kitchen, ‘it’s me.’ It was a wonder that her mom hadn’t noticed her growing frame, the stretched-out school jumper that had seen better days.

  ‘Come on, dinner’s ready.’ Her mom bustled around the table, putting plates down on the place mats.

  Slowly, Vanessa pulled out her chair but hung onto the back of it tightly as her mom sat down. Her parents looked up at her expectantly when they saw she wasn’t sitting.

  ‘You OK, Ness?’ asked her mom, frown lines creasing her beautiful face. Her mom was her rock. Her best friend in the world, yet Vanessa felt as though she couldn’t share this secret with her, that she’d be somehow diminished in her mom’s eyes.

  ‘I need to tell you both something and I need to do it while I still have the nerve.’ The wooden rail of the chair dug into her palms, and she wondered if she’d have splinters when she broke contact.

  ‘Sounds serious. You OK, honey?’ her dad asked, leaning forward in his chair. Where his wife was small and slim, he was a tall and bulky man, physically impressive. Vanessa had always likened him to a tree; strong, roots that ran deep; her mother, the water that nourished him.

  She cleared her throat. Once she said the words out loud, there was no going back. ‘I… uh… I’m pregnant.’ She stammered over the words, seeing the shocked expressions on her parents’ faces. Identical.

  Her mom placed her knife and fork neatly down on the place. ‘What?’ she asked, a slightly confused look settled on her features.

  She looked toward her dad. ‘I’m having a baby.’ She tried again.

  Her mom opened her mouth to speak, but her dad cut in quickly. ‘Whose baby is it?’ he asked. He didn’t demand; actually, he, they, were taking it pretty well so far.

  This was the question she had dreaded. Whose baby was it? She sighed, a sound that was pulled out from deep within her. ‘It’s Mark’s.’ In for a penny, right?

  ‘Mark as in Maggie’s Mark? That Mark?’ Her mom’s face fell, and it was like a searing knife through Vanessa’s heart.

  ‘Yes, Mom, Maggie’s Mark. We’re in love.’ She thought it an easier sell than a one-night stand that resulted in a teen pregnancy. A kindness to them all. A white lie that eased the pain.

  ‘I don’t understand,’ her mom said, trying to wrap her head around the bombshells. ‘You and Mark are in love? Sweetheart, when did all this happen? I didn’t even know they’d broken up.’

  ‘They broke up today. We told her just before, actually. She slapped me and I deserved it.’

  Her mom’s face darkened. No one hurt her daughter like that, no matter how deserving she was of it. She abhorred physical violence, calling it the lowest form of humanity. Vanessa had once heard snippets of a conversation with her dad where she’d spoken about the abuse in her own home as a child.

  ‘That was uncalled for.’

  ‘No, Mom, it wasn’t. I had it coming, and I accept that. I hurt her.’

  ‘And what does your “love” pla
n to do about this?’ interrupted her dad. ‘He should marry you. You need to be married. You’ve almost finished school; give this baby a chance to grow up normally.’ Her dad sometimes didn’t get her or the situation, but she could see that he was trying to hold his temper in check.

  ‘Knowing Mark’s parents, I’m sure they’d say the same.’ Vanessa lowered her eyes, unable to take their scrutiny any longer. ‘He’ll do the right thing, Dad,’ she whispered. Yes, she loved Mark, despite the way he’d treated her, and odds were that she’d be married and, of course, a mom in a few short months.

  They ate tea in silence, each lost deep in their own thoughts. Later, when the meal was finished, she heard the TV in the lounge click on, the nightly news blaring through the house. She was helping her mom do the dishes, something she always did, when her mom said quietly, ‘You don’t have to marry him, not if you don’t want to. Never marry someone just because you’re pregnant.’ She said it so emphatically that Vanessa stopped drying the plate.

  ‘Is that what happened to you?’ Vanessa asked, shocked.

  ‘I’ve never told you this but, I was pregnant with you before your dad and I married. We had a brief relationship that wasn’t meant to last but I fell pregnant and although it wasn’t what I wanted at the time, I was encouraged to marry your father.’

  Vanessa was shocked. ‘Mom, are you not happy?’ Her world seemed to roll around her. Was her whole life a lie?

  ‘I wasn’t. Not at first. I was in love with someone else, but over time, I grew to love your father deeply – I still do – but I will never forgive my parents for forcing me into marriage just because I was pregnant and might shame them.’ Her mind was stuck in the past for a minute and Vanessa stayed quiet, letting her mother drift until she came back to her. ‘All I’m saying is, if you don’t want to get married, you don’t have to.’ Her mom raised a hand to cup her daughter’s cheek gently. ‘We’ll support you whatever you choose to do.’

  ‘Mom,’ she cried before being enveloped into the comforting arms of her mom. Slim yet strong, gentle yet capable.

  Vanessa woke to the early-morning sun streaming through the chink in her curtains. She had fallen asleep on top of the comforter, too tired and emotionally wrung out to even crawl underneath it. She thought about what her mom had said the night before. She had grown to love her dad, and he must have grown to love her too somewhere along the way. They were happy; why couldn’t she and Mark be happy?

  Vanessa was keeping the baby and would marry Mark and everything would be OK. She’d make it work. They’d make it work. Together.

  But what if he didn’t want her?

  She had to have faith that he’d do the right thing.

  Vanessa was making tea in the kitchen when there was a soft knock at the back door. She moved the lace curtain aside and saw Mark standing there, one hand in his pocket. He wore jeans, a black T-shirt and a jacket to protect against the wind. He looked gorgeous. Her heart stumbled momentarily in her chest; its rhythm upset. She unlocked the door.

  ‘Hi,’ she said.

  ‘Hey. Can I come in?’

  She moved to let him in, a gust of cool air following him. It would warm up; the sun promised to shine on them soon, warming everything that its beams touched. They stood there awkwardly, staring at each other.

  ‘I told my mom and dad,’ he began.

  ‘Yeah, I told mine too.’ She waited.

  ‘They think the best thing to do is for us to get married now, not wait any longer. They kinda have this out-of-wedlock thing. They’re so pissed at me,’ he confided.

  ‘You want to get married now?’ she asked, unable to process what he was saying.

  ‘Yeah, they’ll give their permission if yours do.’

  ‘I think while my parents are on the same page about getting married, they’re gonna want to wait till I turn eighteen and graduate. It’s almost that time now. I’ll be eighteen when the baby is born, so I won’t need their permission. We can wait. Is that OK?’ She looked at him imploringly.

  ‘None of this is “OK”. I made a mistake – I shouldn’t have to pay for it for the rest of my fucking life,’ he said angrily.

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry that this happened to you,’ she said sarcastically, hands on her hips. ‘I can’t imagine what that must be like for you.’

  ‘Don’t be a bitch, Vanessa. I’m just saying I didn’t think I’d have to plan my whole life in one night.’

  ‘Well neither did I,’ she hissed quietly so she didn’t wake her parents. ‘We’ll get married and have the baby in a couple of months. I think it’s a good idea if we both stay away from Maggie, give her the space she needs. Besides, we’re a couple now.’

  She could have sworn that she saw a shudder run through his body as he turned toward the back door.

  ‘We can make this work, Mark. We can raise this child together, and we can be happy. I promise.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he muttered as he closed the door behind him. He didn’t sound convinced. Vanessa would have to work extra hard to show him that she and the baby were good for him. Worth loving. She curved her hand around her stomach. She loved this baby fiercely already and would do anything for him or her. Now that it was out in the open and she didn’t have to hide, she allowed herself to feel joy at the thought of this tiny human growing inside her. But Vanessa was still in two minds. Part of her was elated that she was marrying Mark, whereas the other part was keenly aware that he was in love with another woman. She’d make him forget about Maggie, and he would love her and only her. Once he saw their child and how wonderful a mom she would be, he’d fall in love with her. She was sure of it.

  2

  Vanessa hadn’t wanted to go to school. By now everyone would know what she and Mark had done to the popular Maggie. They would know that Vanessa was pregnant and call her a slut, but her mom had forced her to get out of bed, brush her teeth and get ready for school.

  ‘You’ll have to face it sometime, might as well be today,’ her mom said. Steel ran through her mom’s body, she was sure of it. Vanessa would have to borrow from her strength to get through the next couple of months.

  She walked to her locker and saw the word whore spray-painted across it. Well, that answered the question of whether Maggie had shared the news. She looked over toward Mark’s locker. Unmarred. That’d be fucking right.

  People were staring. She felt their eyes, their judgment, hang heavy like it was a weight around her neck. She heard footsteps stop behind her. She prayed it wasn’t Maggie. She turned and came face to face with Felicity. A friend, a close one of hers and Maggie’s. They’d been friends since elementary school.

  ‘Well, if it isn’t the boyfriend-stealing little slut.’ Clearly now a former friend.

  Vanessa took a stance. ‘I’m not talking about this with you, Felicity.’

  ‘Everyone knows what you did, you know. You’re that girl now. The kind of girl that steals her best friend’s boyfriend and then gets pregnant. That’s you, Vanessa. Good luck on making friends now, whore.’ Felicity banged into Vanessa’s shoulder forcefully as she walked past, knocking her into her locker. Vanessa breathed deeply. This was going to be a long day.

  Vanessa and Mark were married straight after graduating high school. Vanessa was pretty close to having her baby and although she was excited about motherhood, Mark’s refusal to even look at her during their vows unnerved her. Only their parents were there to bear witness to their marriage. No friends cheered them on from the bench seats, there was no party afterwards. Nothing. Just a marriage covering up a dirty mistake – that’s what they all thought anyway. But not Vanessa. This baby was a gift and would be her hope, her future, her salvation.

  They moved into a run-down little house that her parents put down the deposit and first month’s rent for as a wedding present. For the first time in her life, Vanessa fell asleep under a roof that was her very own.

  While Mark no longer sought Maggie out, Vanessa knew that he still loved her. She felt Maggie’s ab
sence from her life keenly, alone and about to have a baby, married to a man whose heart belonged to another. Vanessa and Mark may have slept in the same bed, but he hadn’t touched her since that first time. One night during the early hours of the morning, she woke to the bed jerking slightly, the small bedside lamp was switched on, illuminating the room. Mark sat on the edge of the bed. She carefully looked over his shoulder and saw that he was masturbating while holding a Polaroid photo of Maggie, completely naked. Shocked and disgusted, she lay back down and rolled over to face the wall. The bed still moved beneath her. She didn’t say a word. Not then anyway.

  Vanessa was cold to him over the next few days after the incident. He was married, and, for better or worse, she was his wife now. He wasn’t allowed to jack off to his ex-girlfriend’s picture. So she took the picture from his underwear draw and cut it into tiny pieces, watching Maggie disappear, piece by jagged piece.

  He came storming into the kitchen later that night while she was making dinner. ‘Where is it?’ he demanded, red cheeks hinting at the extent of his rage.

  Vanessa turned, her bulging stomach making her slow and awkward. ‘Where’s what?’ she asked, eyes narrowing in anger.

  ‘Don’t play dumb, Vanessa. The photo. The photo of Maggie.’

  ‘You mean the photo you jack off to? I cut it up and flushed it down the toilet. Guess you’re going to have to use your imagination from now on, or shock horror, think about your wife instead.’

  His eyes narrowed, and in hindsight she should have stopped there. ‘Why do you even have that? You cheated on her. You threw her away. Why act all lovesick now that it’s too late?’

  He snarled. ‘Maybe because I’m married to a fucking bitch.’

  She was shocked. He’d never spoken to her like that before.

  Two weeks after they moved into their house Mark got a job at a bar and began staying out later and later, sometimes not even bothering to call to let her know that he was safe or when he was coming home. Vanessa had her suspicions but no proof as to what he was really up to. She was about ready to drop the baby, her stomach taunt and uncomfortable, the skin stretched tighter than a drum. She was in a large grocery store in the next town over one day when she heard the rumble of a low voice and the shrill, high-pitched giggle that she’d know anywhere.