Never Ever Tell

by Kirsty Ferguson

  Maggie.

  Vanessa took in a deep breath. It was bound to happen sooner or later, living where they did. She leaned closer to the shelving, resisting the urge to look through the cereal boxes. Then she heard them kiss and felt physically ill. She had to look. She had to know if it was Mark as she suspected it was. Maybe Maggie had finally moved on with another man, but she knew Mark still loved Maggie and her swollen belly was proof that he could be persuasive when he wanted to be. She moved some cereal out of the way and tried to look through to the aisle, but the boxes on the other side obstructed her view. Holding onto her stomach, she moved to the end of the aisle, intent on catching Maggie and Mark in the act. She had her words all ready. But when she rounded the corner words failed her. The women locked eyes, and Maggie smiled a slow and seductive smile. She slid her hand into his hair, drawing him close for another steamy kiss, all the while staring at Vanessa. She felt like crying, screaming at her to get off him. He was firmly in her grasp, under her spell. Maggie then pulled away from her lover to face Vanessa head-on.

  ‘Oh, hey, Ness.’

  The man turned around too. It wasn’t Mark at all. It was Vanessa’s dad.

  ‘Ness!’ He gasped, shocked to see his daughter standing in front of him. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing?’

  He had no answer for her. She pushed past him, holding her stomach as she tried to stride out of the store as quickly as she could. As she waddled to her car, Maggie followed her, screaming.

  ‘How does it feel to be the one cheated on? Huh?’ she yelled. ‘To have your heart broken?’

  Vanessa unlocked the car and pushed her bulk behind the wheel, desperate to get out of there.

  ‘We fucked you know!’ Maggie added gleefully.

  Vanessa sped out of the car park, seeing her dad in the rear-view mirror walk over to Maggie. He appeared to be trying to talk to her, but she walked off.

  How could he? What was wrong with him? He’d known Maggie since they were in elementary school. What about her mom? How the hell was she going to tell her what she knew? Should she tell her?

  Vanessa managed to make it home in one piece but once inside the comfort of her own home, she let her emotions flood out. Tears on her cheeks, she wailed, the baby moving within her, responding to her distress. Finally, she stopped crying and was blowing her nose just as Mark came charging into the kitchen where she stood by the sink. He was always angry these days. There was little room for compassion and understanding from him. It was like he forgot that she was heavily pregnant with his baby and might need his support.

  ‘What are you crying about?’ he demanded, evidently uninterested in her answer. He watched as she dabbed at her eyes before throwing away the soggy tissue.

  ‘Maggie is sleeping with my dad,’ she said tearfully, without thinking.

  ‘What did you say?’ His voice was low and dangerous and made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up in fear. He glared at her and when she didn’t answer quickly enough, he screamed. ‘Speak!’

  ‘I saw them at the grocery store, kissing, then she told me what they’d done. It’s revenge. I slept with you so she’s getting back at me.’ She burst into tears again, reaching for another tissue.

  Vanessa had her hand around the tissue just as Mark raised his hand and slapped her, throwing her into the table. The tissue fluttered to the floor. She fell along the table awkwardly until she was able to get a proper grip and stand upright.

  ‘You stupid fucking bitch! This is all your fault!’ He drew back his arm and punched her in the face, mashing her lip into her teeth. She tasted blood.

  ‘Don’t,’ she rasped as he wrapped his hands around her throat, cutting off her air supply. Her face began to tingle unpleasantly.

  She suddenly felt wetness blooming inside her pants, running down her legs. ‘Baby,’ she croaked. ‘Now.’

  Mark looked down at the blossoming stain on her pants and said, ‘Fuck me, can’t you do anything right?’ He dropped her in disgust and she grabbed at her throat, massaging away the pain. ‘Well, hurry the fuck up then.’

  Vanessa grabbed her overnight bag and followed him to the van, scared of what was to come. A contraction ripped through her body, and she bent over, gasping. She looked up and could see Mark glaring at her from the driver’s seat. He looked furious. All she wanted was her mom.

  After six intensive hours in which she’d begged God to let it all be over, Vanessa’s mom arrived at the hospital, just in time to see the birth of her first grandchild. Mark had finally given in and called her. He hadn’t held Vanessa’s hand or come near her while she sweated and grunted to bring their child into the world. Her mom had glared at him when she bustled in, the nurses giving the surly young man a wide berth.

  ‘Mom, it’s a boy,’ Vanessa whispered, looking down at his tiny screwed-up face. ‘A boy,’ she breathed, leaning down to plant a feather-light kiss on his forehead. Vanessa looked up at Mark, who barely even glanced at his son or at his wife.

  ‘I’m calling you Wren,’ she whispered to the baby.

  ‘What a bloody pussy name,’ Mark commented loudly, making the little one stir.

  Everyone in the room gave him a look of disbelief. Why would he choose this moment of all moments to ruin? Vanessa could see her mom gearing up to say something, so she placed a calming hand on her arm. ‘Not now,’ she muttered.

  ‘Mark, a wren is a songbird with the most beautiful call. His name is Wren,’ Vanessa said, claiming something as her own. She refused to look at him.

  ‘I think it’s lovely, honey.’ Her mother smiled.

  ‘Thanks, Mom.’ She handed over her precious bundle to her mom, knowing that Mark would not want to hold him. Nothing would ever change with him; he would always blame her, hate her. She only hoped that his attitude wouldn’t extend to his son. She didn’t allow herself to think of the slap, the punch, the choking. It wouldn’t do her any good.

  Life fell into a predictable rhythm. Mark continued to spend late nights at the bar where he worked, and from the smell of him, had a few drinks himself. He stayed out late and while she worried, she tried not to care. Wren took up all of her time, caring for him, loving him and above all else, ensuring his safety. She needed to protect him from his disinterested and still violent father. Mark slapped her for any perceived infractions, and she was still sure that he was having an affair, maybe not with Maggie but with someone.

  One night, three weeks after she had caught her dad with Maggie, she had just put Wren down for a nap after a feed when there was a knock at the door. She glanced at the hall clock. It was after nine in the evening.

  ‘C’mon, Ness. Let me in, I want to explain.’ It was her father. He was drunk, standing on her doorstep, yelling at her through the window to let him in. She opened the wooden front door but left the screen door bolted.

  ‘I don’t want anything to do with you, Dad. Leave me alone.’

  He tried to open the door until he realized that it was locked. ‘She came on to me!’

  ‘Like that makes it OK. You’ve known her since she was five, what the hell is wrong with you? What about Mom? Have you told her yet?’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘You’re apologizing to the wrong person.’ She hardened her heart against him. Two liars in her life was two more liars that she could handle.

  ‘I can’t tell her, she’ll leave me,’ he wailed.

  ‘Well, you should have thought about that before you fucked Maggie, shouldn’t you? I won’t forgive you until you tell Mom. Did you know she did it for revenge? Or are you so deluded that you thought she actually liked you?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘Get out of here, Dad, I don’t want to see you again. I have enough shit without adding yours to the pile.’ Vanessa closed the door on him. He called her name a couple of times but she stayed strong. When it went quiet, she peered through the side window, watching as he sloped off to his house thre
e streets away.

  Mark would be home soon. She needed to clean her face. She’d been crying again. Wren was a wonderful baby and so easy to care for, but she was exhausted and cried all the time when Mark wasn’t around.

  Who knew what kind of mood Mark would be in when he came home? She could usually tell by the way he pulled up and walked into the house. Sometimes he was cordial to her, treating her like a stranger that he had to be polite to, and other days, he was into her the moment he walked through the door. They lived in a small, two-bedroom home with a huge backyard. Vanessa loved taking Wren into the backyard to feel the sun on his face, drooling on her while she read a book, or tried to. These treasured moments with Wren were all that kept her sane. She had no friends, save her mom, and keenly missed having a chat to someone without having to watch and evaluate every word that came out of her mouth. In those first few months of motherhood, she grew up fast. She matured beyond her years. Her mom visited her every couple of days bringing nappies, formula and food for the pantry. While Mark had a good-paying full-time job, he often drank away the extra money, leaving them short on bills. Her mom helped, occasionally slipping money into her bag. Vanessa would cry when she found it, but she couldn’t afford to return it. Would they ever get out from under their mediocre lives?

  Mark’s van skidded down the driveway. He pulled up just short of hitting the garage and slammed the door, a sure sign that all hell was about to break loose. Vanessa was in the kitchen when he came barreling inside. She heard the clink of glass and immediately knew he had bottles of beer with him, jostling against each other in a box. He must have taken them from work again.

  There was an electricity bill on the fridge, it had been there for a month and she had brought it up with him once, but he’d shut her down. It sat under a magnet of Wren’s tiny handprint, a present from her mom. It was past due and although she didn’t want to mention it to Mark again, especially when he was in this mood, she had to, or they’d be cut off. Again.

  Mark took a beer from the small box, popped the cap and took a long pull. His eyes watched her and she felt small and afraid. He put down the beer on the table, no coaster underneath. There would be a ring on the surface now. He scowled at her. Now was not the time, but she went in anyway. ‘Mark…’ she began tentatively.

  ‘Don’t start with me, Vanessa, I’m not in the mood.’

  She swallowed the apprehensive lump in her throat and pressed on regardless. ‘It’s just that the electricity bill is overdue, and I need money to pay for it.’

  She’d expected the backhand but was still unable to move away fast enough. She fell against the table, which stuttered sideways with her weight. She rubbed her cheek where his slap had landed. It would bruise later; it always did.

  ‘Don’t speak to me!’ He roared at her, spit flying from his mouth. ‘All of this is because of you!’

  She didn’t dare point out that he’d come on to her, seduced her, cheated with her all those months ago. It wasn’t worth the black eye. She could hear Wren screaming from his cot in the bedroom. She tried to run to him, to put herself out of Mark’s reach but as she bolted past him, he reached out and grabbed the end of her ponytail. She was able to pull free, tears springing into the corners of her eyes with the pain. She got to Wren’s room and slammed the door closed, bolting the lock that she’d installed using Mark’s own tools.

  Vanessa hurriedly picked up the screaming, swaddled baby. She opened the large bedroom window, shushing Wren, and climbed through it. She took off at a fast walk to her parents’ house. She could still hear Mark screaming, the eerily silent night broken only by his yells.

  Vanessa knocked on the door, which was opened by her mom after checking who was there through the peephole. It was nighttime after all. She took one look at her daughter with her grandson strapped to her body and threw the door open wide. ‘Come inside, quickly.’ She ushered Vanessa in before sticking her head back out and looking up and down the street. Her mom showed her and the softly mewling Wren into the kitchen where she made a calming cup of tea. Vanessa placed her sweet baby boy into the portable cot her mom had set up in the spare room. She watched him for a few minutes as he went back to sleep, delaying the time until she had to explain why she was on her parents’ doorstep in the middle of the night.

  ‘What happened, Ness?’ asked her mom quietly, when Vanessa walked into the kitchen a few minutes later.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Vanessa,’ she warned, ‘don’t lie to me.’

  ‘I asked Mark for money to pay the electricity bill.’

  ‘Does he hit you?’ She asked, her hand waving in the direction of her face. She tried to hold Vanessa’s gaze, but Vanessa looked away.

  ‘When he can catch me,’ Vanessa said sadly. ‘I deserve this. It’s my trade-off for what I did. For having Wren.’

  Her mom reached out and touched her daughter’s hand. ‘Darl, if you want to come home, just say so. We’d love to have you.’

  ‘No,’ Vanessa said quickly. She couldn’t live under the same roof as her dad again, not until her mom knew the truth. ‘It’s OK, I can deal with Mark. I just needed to give him some time to cool off.’

  ‘Well why don’t you and Wren stay tonight at least?’

  Vanessa looked at the clock over the sink. ‘I’d better be getting home. I just needed a breather, that’s all. Thanks for the tea, Mom.’

  ‘Do you want me to give you the money for the electricity bill?’

  Vanessa hadn’t felt this low in a long time. Her mom had given more than enough already, money that she herself couldn’t afford, but Vanessa was stuck. ‘Yes please,’ she whispered, ashamed but also grateful. She hugged her mom and then fetched Wren from the spare room. She hadn’t seen her dad and she didn’t want to. He would have heard her arrive and was deliberately staying out of her way.

  He came home, out of the blue, during the middle of his shift. Vanessa had put Wren down for a sleep and was making potato salad for dinner when the front door banged open, rebounding off the wall. Startled, she didn’t register the look on his face until he grabbed her by the arm and dragged her to the bedroom.

  They hadn’t had sex since the night that Wren had been conceived. He couldn’t stand her, and she couldn’t stomach the thought of him touching her. She had become so disillusioned with her husband; the only time he laid hands on her was when he hit her.

  He didn’t ask, just threw her onto the bed, grabbing at her singlet strap, ripping it free so her bra was visible.

  ‘Show me what you got, Ness,’ he said, eyes bulging, mouth snarling. He was like some rabid dog intent on claiming his kill.

  She rolled over on the bed, reached for the lamp, pulled it free from the wall and held it in front of her like a weapon. ‘Come near me and I’ll bash your fucking brains in.’

  She thought it would be enough to frighten him, but he lunged at her. She swung the lamp toward him. It connected with his arm, not his head as she had planned. China rained down on them both as the lamp base shattered. He slapped her face then put a hand over her mouth, cutting off her cry for help. He fumbled one-handed with his pants while she tried to struggle free.

  She kept fighting, so he punched her in the stomach, the air whooshing from her lungs, leaving her breathless and gagging. Her head was throbbing from the slap, her lungs gasping for air. She felt him moving inside her. It hurt as he thrust into her, his hand over her mouth. The attack seemed to stretch on and on, but eventually he was done. He stood, pulled up his pants and without saying a word, left the room. Vanessa was too stunned to cry. She didn’t move for the longest time. Not until she heard Wren fussing in the next room. Finally, she rolled off the bed and changed her clothes.

  Two months later, Vanessa discovered she was pregnant.

  It was a bittersweet moment. She was ecstatic to be having another baby as she loved motherhood, but at the same time, she was petrified. She wondered how the hell she was going to protect two kids from Mark. One was hard enoug
h.

  When she told her mom she was pregnant again, she cried, hot tears sprinkling her face. Her mom dried her tears and asked the question that Vanessa had been asking herself.

  ‘Are you going to keep it?’

  Was she? Could she?

  ‘I’m just saying. Two is… much harder than one,’ her mom said diplomatically. ‘Then there’s… Mark.’

  Vanessa knew what she meant. Her mom had borne witness to the late-night visits, the cuts and bruises that she had stopped trying to explain. It was a small town, hard to hide secrets; she wore makeup, but people knew. She was sure of it. They treated her differently, like she was damaged goods.

  Wasn’t she? Hadn’t she always been?

  Vanessa was basically dead inside, except when she was with Wren. A smile from him could make her day. A laugh like golden sunshine warming her face. What if her mom was right? What if it was better to fix the problem before Mark even knew about it?

  In the end, Vanessa decided that she couldn’t just get rid of it, so she told Mark.

  ‘What the fuck do you mean you’re pregnant? How did this happen?’ Conveniently forgetting his part in her pregnancies seemed to be his go-to.

  ‘You should know. You asked me the same thing when I fell pregnant with Wren. You know exactly how it happened.’

  ‘You did this deliberately,’ he accused, his fists bunched at his sides.

  She couldn’t believe that he was blaming her again. He’d forced himself on her. What did he think might happen?

  ‘You think I want another child with you?’ she said quietly, her voice pitched low, almost talking to herself.