Never Ever Tell

by Kirsty Ferguson

  ‘You always were a slut,’ he said as he pulled out.

  ‘And you were always a fucking asshole.’ She couldn’t help herself.

  She heard the belt whistle through the air before it hit her, slapping her back, buckle end raking through the fabric of her thin T-shirt, shredding it and the skin beneath. She stuffed her fist into her mouth to stop from screaming out. It would bring Wren running. Mark might kill him; she hadn’t seen him this angry in years. Over a pair of fucking pants.

  Mark quickly tired himself out. He wasn’t as fit as he used to be, the beer drinking catching up to him. Breathing heavily, she heard him put his belt back on. ‘You’d better go get that little shit stain from your mom’s, but I don’t want to see him. Understood?’

  She nodded. Her back was on fire, but she didn’t dare move until she heard the front door slam shut. She throbbed all over. She straightened up with difficulty. Rather than go to the doctor’s, she put her hands on either side of her nose and clicked it back into place with a horrific crunch and a burst of white hot pain that for a moment surpassed the pain of her back. She hobbled down the hallway looking for Wren, whispering his name, terrified that Mark hadn’t actually left and that he was waiting for her. She kept looking over her shoulder.

  She finally found her son in her wardrobe, cleverly hiding in her hanging dressing gown. ‘Oh, sweetheart, come here. Are you OK?’ she asked, smoothing down his sweat-slickened hair.

  His eyes were filled with tears. ‘Why does he hurt you, Mom?’

  Vanessa could have said a lot of things, none of it for little nine-year-old ears though. She wanted to tell Wren that his dad loved him, that it had nothing to do with him, but she couldn’t lie to him like that. Mark hated Vanessa and by extension, Wren. Why didn’t he just leave them? The only reasons she could think of was that he liked tormenting her, them. She couldn’t leave because he’d threatened to kill Wren, just to get her back. She believed him. He was psycho, and she never knew how he was going to act in any given situation. She thought back to his missing black pants. They definitely hadn’t been in the wash. It was possible that he’d left them at his girlfriend’s house. It was something that she’d hoped for before, thinking him being happier would mean less pain for her and Wren. But if he was with another woman, it wasn’t helping them at all.

  ‘Mom, are you OK?’

  ‘Just a sore back. Do you think you could put some cream on it for me?’ He nodded and he went into the kitchen while she went into the bathroom and grabbed the tube of antiseptic cream that she kept for such occasions. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last. She went and sat in the chair, pulling her top off to hang around her neck. She leaned forward to expose her back. It must have been as intense at it felt because Wren sucked in a deep breath. ‘Mom,’ he said, a waver in his voice. She knew that she was covered in blood and how frightened he must be, but he hid it well. This wasn’t the first time he’d seen something like this. The cream was cold but soothing. It stung at first, but it seemed to help. He’d used the belt on her before but never with such ferocity.

  As Wren coated her back gently and lovingly, she thought of the easy friendship that she used to have with Maggie and how she’d give anything to get it back, but it was gone forever; too much had happened for them to ever be friends again. She thought about her mom, knowing what she did about her dad and Maggie. It was time, she knew. She’d given her dad years to come clean, but he obviously wasn’t going to, so she felt that she had no choice. It was time to be honest. Starting with herself. Shit had to change. Wren… he could be next. He finished applying the cream and she rolled down her T-shirt.

  ‘Thank you, sweetheart. I’m sorry—’ She couldn’t finish her sentence. She took a deep breath. ‘Sorry that you had to see that.’

  He touched either side of her face with his warm hands. ‘I love you, Mom, but I hate him,’ Wren whispered. She couldn’t argue with that.

  It took Vanessa another two months to work up the nerve to tell her. Vanessa knocked on the door, Wren’s hand gripped in hers, giving her courage. This was going to be one of the hardest conversations she’d ever had, especially with someone that she loved with her whole heart. Her mom was the person she trusted most, besides Wren. She had been there for everything, and now she was going to cause her entire world to implode.

  ‘Hey, honey, what a nice surprise. Come in,’ her mom said.

  ‘Wren, sweetheart, go play with your toys, I need to talk to Nannie for a bit.’ She didn’t want Wren in the room.

  She watched as he walked away. ‘Everything OK?’ her mom asked. The tension coiled within Vanessa.

  ‘No, not really. I have something that I want to tell you. Is Dad here?’

  ‘No, he’s at the grocery store. Why?’

  Vanessa sat, then stood, then sat down again. ‘Mom, I’m guessing you’ve pieced together what happened with Mark, myself and Maggie over the years. I was seduced, allowing myself to betray my best friend. I’m still paying for it now, but it seemed that Maggie wanted to even the score. Mom, she said she and Dad slept together,’ she confessed hurriedly. There, she’d finally come clean. She felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and unfortunately placed on her mom’s. ‘I believe her, and Dad confirmed it. I gave him the opportunity to tell you or I told him I would, but he hasn’t done it, so I’m keeping my word. That’s why we grew apart. I couldn’t trust him until he confessed to you.’ She looked at her mom, who sat in silence, staring at the wall above Vanessa’s head. ‘Say something, Mom.’

  ‘How long have you known, Ness?’ she asked calmly, her eyes connecting with her daughter’s.

  ‘I was pregnant with Wren when I found out.’ She hung her head. How could she have let this stand for all these years? She was so caught up in her own dramas that she had forgotten to do what was right for her mom.

  ‘You’ve kept this from me for all these years? How could you?’

  Vanessa let out a pent-up breath of frustration. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you and I kept thinking that Dad would tell you, but he never did. Then the longer it dragged on, the harder it became to find the right time. I felt that I’d missed my window or something.’

  ‘Why now?’

  ‘Why? Because I’ve decided that I need to be more honest with the people in my life; I need to improve myself, for me but mainly for Wren. He deserves the best mom he can possibly have. I hope you forgive me for keeping this from you.’

  Vanessa stood and called to Wren that they were leaving. The boy received a wooden hug and kiss goodbye from his nannie. She was clearly in shock, but she needed to be alone to process this information. Vanessa had dropped the bombshell that she had come to deliver; it was up to her mom and dad now to work through what next.

  Vanessa also needed to make things right with Maggie but had no idea how to approach that particular landmine. In the end, she decided to use the same approach as she had with her mom. Knock on the door and drop the truth. She left Wren with the next-door neighbors. They’d babysat Wren before when she’d been in a pinch. She knew that they’d heard the arguments but, like everyone else, hadn’t intervened. She didn’t blame them; they were elderly and Mark was batshit crazy. He’d probably kill them if they interfered.

  Vanessa reached out a shaky hand and pressed the doorbell. She looked around at the neatly kept lawn, the weeded garden. After waiting for a couple of minutes, she decided that Maggie wasn’t home and turned to leave.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ her old friend’s voice demanded. Vanessa turned back around to face Maggie, who had appeared in the doorway. She looked unhappy but curiosity had obviously got the better of her.

  ‘Hi, Maggie. I came… to talk to you.’

  ‘What can we possibly have to talk about?’

  This wasn’t going to be easy. ‘Can I come in?’

  She looked behind her as if checking that she could admit Vanessa into her beautiful home. Maggie walked back into the house and w
aited for Vanessa to walk inside before she closed the front door to keep the air-conditioning in. She led her to the kitchen where a small table adorned an otherwise plain room.

  ‘You wanted to talk, so talk.’

  ‘Can we at least sit down?’

  Reluctantly Maggie dropped into one of the chairs.

  ‘I’ve been working up the courage for this conversation,’ Vanessa began.

  ‘For nine years?’ interrupted Maggie.

  ‘I know, better late than never I suppose.’ She tried to smile, but it felt forced, so she pinched her mouth shut for a moment. She took a deep breath. ‘I need to get a few things off my chest. I’m trying to make amends to the people that I hurt. And I hurt you the most. I want to say that I’m sorry. For every single damn thing that I did to you. It was unacceptable, wrong and a shitty thing to do to a friend. You were my best friend and I hurt you so badly. Betrayed you. I can understand if you never forgive me, but I’m asking anyway.’ She sucked in a breath.

  ‘You pounced on my boyfriend the moment my back was turned.’

  Vanessa didn’t point out that he’d hit on her. It wasn’t the time. She had come to apologize. Besides, who knew what story he’d told her; she’d never had the chance to defend herself, never getting near enough to Maggie.

  ‘Forgiveness is not that easy, Vanessa. You can’t just come in here and ask. It’s not fair.’

  ‘I lost everything that night. You, the rest of my friends, my self-respect and my reputation. I’ve suffered and now I ask you. Forgive me.’ Vanessa hung her head. ‘I know you’re sleeping with him.’ It had been a shot in the dark but one that felt right. He’d never got over Maggie, his first love.

  ‘You know about that?’ she asked, picking at her fingernails.

  ‘Yeah, but I don’t care, I just want to warn you that he’s not the kid you knew in school. He’s changed.’

  ‘Warn me? Away from Mark? The man you stole from me? We’re adults, we can do what we want.’

  ‘I’m not worried about him; I’m worried about you. He… he… hits me.’ It was the first time she’d said it out loud, and she’d only done it to protect her friend. ‘He hurts me. He raped me, got me pregnant, then my beautiful baby girl died. He didn’t even bother showing up to the hospital or the funeral. That’s the sort of man he’s turned into. I’m worried for Wren’s safety. He’s petrified of his dad. We never know which Mark we’re getting when he comes home. Then there’s you. He’ll eventually do the same to you.’

  ‘This is a huge lie to get me to stop seeing him,’ declared Maggie, angrily standing up. ‘I think you should leave now. Even if it is true, did you ever think you might deserve it?’

  ‘Every damn day.’

  She stormed down the hallway, flinging open the front door for Vanessa to follow. ‘Vanessa?’ Maggie fumed when Vanessa was outside.

  Vanessa turned back.

  ‘Don’t ever come back here again.’

  Vanessa nodded and trudged down the rough-patterned brick path.

  4

  With a heavy heart, Vanessa unlocked and opened the door, pulling Wren through with her. He was dragging his feet as much as she was, neither of them wanting to go inside. Mark’s car was out the front, which meant he was inside waiting for them, like a venomous black spider waiting for its prey. She felt like running, but she had nowhere to go and no money. No choice.

  She bent down and whispered in his ear, ‘If things go badly tonight, you need to go to Nannie’s straight away, out the bedroom window. No staying to protect me. I’ll be OK, understood?’ Although he was young, he knew what to do.

  He nodded. She felt terrible that she was putting so much on his little shoulders, but he seemed to be coping well. He was her little dude, her beautiful boy. She never wanted him to change from the empathetic and loving kid that he was. Wren’s safety was her number-one priority. His happiness a close second.

  Mark was sitting at the kitchen table dunking a biscuit into his coffee. He had a crumb clinging to his upper lip until his tongue snaked out and grabbed it, pulling it back into his mouth. He repulsed her. She felt like confronting him about his affair with Maggie but decided that she’d wait and see how this conversation went.

  ‘Mark.’

  He grunted at her, slurping his coffee noisily. ‘You’re not happy,’ she began. She waited for him to confirm what she already knew, but he stayed stubbornly silent. ‘I’m not happy either. I haven’t ever been happy with you, and I suspect you feel the exact same way. So why don’t we just call it a day and go our separate ways?’ Vanessa said in a rush, stumbling over her words in her haste to get them out before he cut her off. But he didn’t. He didn’t even speak. He simply picked up his nearly full cup and flicked his hand, and suddenly she was covered in near scalding-hot coffee. It was soaking through her top, burning her. Pulling it quickly over her head, she threw it onto the ground. Her hair dripped, and coffee covered her face. Trying to wipe down her chest, already feeling the searing pain of the burn, she knew she needed to get cream on it straightaway in case it blistered. She went to leave.

  ‘Don’t.’ His voice was low, and she risked a quick look at his face. His brows were lowered and knitted together.

  She froze.

  ‘Know why I don’t leave your worthless ass? It’s because I live for moments like these. Moments where I can make you feel miserable, hurt, alone. Moments like this when I can make you feel like the disgusting slut that you are. No one will ever want you if I leave you. Everyone remembers what you did. Seduced me, then deliberately got pregnant.’

  She wanted to remind him that he was the only man that she’d ever slept with so how could she be a slut, but now didn’t seem like the right time to point that out.

  ‘Besides, I’d never skip out on my wife and child. I have a reputation to protect.’ She wasn’t sure what reputation he was trying to protect, but, whatever.

  ‘Just leave us, Mark. You can finally go and be with Maggie. A real couple. Just like you used to be.’

  ‘You know about Maggie?’

  ‘Yeah, I saw her today and she confirmed it.’

  ‘Good, I hope it hurts.’

  ‘The only thing that hurts me around here is you. I’ll take the kids and leave you. I’ll go back home if I have to.’

  ‘You said “kids”.’ His eyes narrowed.

  Her face paled. ‘No I didn’t, I said “kid”. Wren. I meant Wren.’

  ‘You pregnant again?’ His eyes went to her belly and her mind flicked back to being thrown over this very table. Yes, she was pregnant again. She lowered her head, admitting the truth. She had only just confirmed it yesterday at the doctor’s surgery. She had put it off and put it off, but she had to know. She was nearly three months pregnant. She had panicked, determined not to blurt it out to Mark, and here she was, doing just that.

  ‘Now we really can’t leave each other.’ He smirked.

  She lowered her head in defeat. Trapped by her own body, his actions, yet again. She couldn’t see any way out of this black hole of a marriage.

  ‘Don’t get any ideas. I’ll hunt you down. I’ll hurt Wren. You know that I will. Then your parents. So don’t even think about it.’ Mark’s face always took on this intense look whenever he was about to hurt her. It was almost like he checked out mentally then slammed back into focus. He had that look on his face now. He got up and left, and she took her soiled and stained top to the laundry. She didn’t know why she was bleaching it – it was ruined – she should just throw it away, yet she scrubbed and scrubbed away at it, hiding her real fear. She was terrified that this baby would be born dead too. She began to cry until a small skinny arm encircled her waist. ‘I love you, Mom.’

  ‘I love you too, sweetheart. So very much.’ She dropped a kiss on the top of his head, then held on to him tightly, never wanting to let go.

  Six months later and Vanessa was in a hospital bed, petrified that they wouldn’t be able to find a heartbeat. She had felt the baby kick j
ust this morning and rationalized that he or she would be fine. She didn’t have it in her to survive another child’s death, she just didn’t. Mark was a no-show yet again. She’d called him and he’d flat-out refused to come this time. She didn’t beg, she couldn’t stand the thought. He had barely spoken to her since the whole Maggie affair thing and she had been enjoying the relative quiet, but she didn’t want to give birth alone. Wren wanted to come. In fact, he demanded it. He didn’t want to stay next door.

  ‘I’m coming with you,’ he’d said in his best authoritarian voice, and because she hadn’t had the will to argue, she’d said yes. He was ten now, old enough. He’d been so sincere and serious; she’d known he’d meant it. What could she have said but yes?

  She briefly wondered if Mark was with Maggie right now. If Maggie knew that she had gone into labor. Then she realized that she didn’t much care what either one of them thought. The most important person in her life, the one she loved the most and who loved her the most, was going to be there for her, holding her hand every step of the way.

  Wren sat by her as she asked for the tenth time. ‘Is the baby alive?’

  The nurse who smiled down at her with empathy in her eyes confirmed again that there was indeed a heartbeat. The hospital knew her history so they understood her constantly sought reassurance and were more than willing to accommodate her. She still hadn’t got over her baby daughter passing away before she even had a chance to meet her, and she knew she never would. But now was the time to think about the new baby that was about to be born.