It's on Us

by Matthew Burkey-Gilchrist

  “Yeah, probably,” Rory admitted. “But sometimes you need to shake up the world, and if anyone can do it in a good way, it’s you.”

  “Your confidence in me is astounding.”

  Rory just grinned at me before putting his hands on my shoulders. “You got this. If you want to do it, then go for it. You deserve to have your happy ending and love story just like everyone else.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow at school. Maybe we can get started on that video Saturday morning after practice.”

  “That’s assuming that the guys don’t beat the crap out of me first,” I said with a sigh.

  “They won’t,” Rory assured me. “And if they try, they’ll have to go through me and Tab first.”

  “See you tomorrow at school.”

  “Sleep tight, man.”

  CHAPTER 9

  “Always be a first rate version of yourself

  and not a second rate version of someone else.” ~ Judy Garland

  To say that the next day at school dragged out was an understatement. Once I decided to go through with my plan, the whole day seemed to grind to a halt. There was something strangely freeing about finally deciding to be yourself and quit pretending. Don’t get me wrong, I was still terrified. I was about to throw myself out of the closet in a rather spectacular way, and although I thought the majority of the kids at my school would be pretty cool about it, I knew there were several that wouldn’t. It was a reality that I knew I would have to confront.

  The day went out without much incident. Neither Rory or Tab mentioned the coming out video throughout the day. I did my best not to stare at Danny and avoided the knowing looks that I got from both Rory and Tab each time they caught me looking at my teammate. I ducked my head and blushed every single time, much to their amusement and my annoyance.

  Walking into the house after school made my heart start to race. My palms got all sweaty and I felt like I was going to throw up. Again. Davis had continued his policy of grunting answers at me in conversation and generally avoiding me. That being said, I was fairly certain this conversation was not going to go well. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door to his room.

  I heard a grunt from inside and slowly pushed the door open. Davis was sitting on his bed, flipping through something on his tablet. He looked up and scowled immediately.

  “Look, I just need to talk to you and I just need you to listen,” I said nervously. His scowl changed to a look of annoyance, but I swallowed hard and kept talking. “I know that you’re still having problems with me coming out and I know that you’re embarrassed about it and everything, but it’s who I am. I’m sorry if that upsets you but I’m not going to hide anymore.”

  I paused for a moment to gather more of my courage and breath to keep going. So far he hadn’t screamed at me or tried to punch me in the face, so I was taking that as a very good sign. I plunged ahead, hopeful that I could get through this without freaking out.

  “What happened to Noah, well, it sorta made me realize there might be other kids out there, ones that are just as lonely and just as scared and I don’t want anyone else to do what Noah did. So, I’m coming out. Not just at home either. At school and, well, to the rest of the world. I’m going to post a video about it and offer anyone that wants to talk a safe space and an ear willing to listen.”

  I looked over at Davis, his face had softened from a scowl into one of concern. I could no longer detect the seething anger that had been present when I first stepped into his room. I was almost done, maybe I could get through it without either one of us totally losing it.

  “I’m sorry, Davis. I’m sorry that I’m an embarrassment to you, but I have to do this…”

  “I know.”

  I stood there for a moment, shocked by what Davis said. I was even more shocked by the fact that his eyes looked… wait, were they wet with tears?

  “What?” I asked softly.

  “I said I know that you have to do this,” Davis answered. He lowered his head and when he looked up at me again, I could definitely see tears in his eyes. “What happened to Noah sucked. And even before that video went viral, I thought about you.”

  “About me?”

  Davis nodded and wiped tears from his eyes. “Yeah, I thought about… hell, I thought about what if that was you. What if you thought about doing something that stupid?”

  I looked at him in shock. “Davis, I would never do that.”

  Davis wiped several more tears from his face before speaking again. “Look, I mean, I know that… I know that you have friends and everything, but I just thought… I should have been there for you.”

  Now, I was floored. I stood there, completely unable to speak. Literally nothing formed in my head for several seconds. Did Davis really just say he was worried about being there for me?

  “Um, well, no offense, but you’ve been acting like a dick lately.”

  “How am I not supposed to take offense to that?”

  I shrugged. “Because it’s the truth.”

  “I know, I know,” Davis replied. “At first I was pissed, okay? All I could think about was how this was going to affect my life and how my friends might make fun of me.”

  “Okay, but it’s really not about your life. It’s about mine and not hiding who I am anymore.”

  “I know that! I mean, I know that now.”

  “You’re okay with me being out?”

  “Yes. I mean, I think I am.”

  “You think you are?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Yeah,” Davis answered. “I think I am. I mean, I don’t know how I’m going to react, honestly, but what I do know is that I never, ever want to see you go through what Noah went through.”

  And then Davis did something very un-Davis like. He stood up and crossed the room. For the briefest of moments, I thought that he might actually hit me. Instead, he wrapped me in a hug, probably the first one that he had given me in years.

  I stood there, dumbfounded, before I realized that I should probably hug him back. Eventually, my brain kicked into motion and I wrapped my arms around him, too. We stood there for a few seconds before finally separating.

  “Thanks,” I said softly. I realized that I was crying as well, and reached up to wipe the tears from my eyes. “I don’t know what’s going to happen, exactly. Oh, and I’m also going to share the videos from my dueling competitions.”

  “Going to show the world your whole crazy at once?” Davis asked, arching an eyebrow.

  “I guess. I mean, what could it hurt.”

  “Someone might try to punch your face in.”

  “Pretty sure I can handle myself in that department.”

  “I’m going to kick anyone’s ass that gives you shit,” Davis said, crossing his arms over his chest. “You know that, right?”

  “You’d have to get in line behind Rory and Tab.”

  “I don’t think that I’d want to piss either of those two off,” Davis said. He took a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m going to do my best to be supportive, but I can’t promise that I’m going to be ready to stick a rainbow flag on my locker or anything, okay?”

  “Deal,” I said. “And thanks, Davis, really. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

  “Just be careful out there,” Davis said as he headed back to his desk. “People think that it’s okay to hate now.”

  “They think it’s okay to be open about that hate,” I corrected. “I mean, I think most people still know that hating anyone is bad.”

  “That’s not the point,” Davis said, shaking his head. “People think it’s okay to be totally awful to anyone that’s different. Look, just promise me that you’ll be careful.”

  “I promise.”

  “Cool. I need to get back to homework.”

  “I’ll see you later.”

  “Yeah,” I said, turning back towards the door. “And Davis?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Thanks again.”<
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  “Are you sure about this?” Tab asked for what seemed like the hundredth time since we arrived at practice.

  The first fifty or so it was endearing, now it was just plain annoying. He kept looking around like the guys were going to suddenly figure out my big news. Both myself and Rory decided to ignore him again in the hopes that he would refocus himself on practice so that he wouldn’t smash his junk on the pommel horse or break his neck falling off the rings. It wasn’t having the desired effect.

  “Yes!”

  “Dude, you don’t have to get all psycho on me.”

  “Then stop asking the same dumbass question over and over again,” Rory suggested with a shrug of his shoulders. “You thinking before we start practicing or afterwards?”

  “Probably afterwards. I don’t want anyone freaking out and getting hurt.”

  “And you want to stand around and admire all the hot guys before they stop getting naked around you,” Rory said.

  I shook my head. “No, that’s not it at all.”

  “That has to be it a little bit.”

  I didn’t want to admit to him, but Rory was partly correct. I looked over just as Danny came into the gym. He waved and smiled at both of us, and it took a considerable amount of effort not to blush. I looked over at Rory, who was giggling like and idiot, and back to the rest of the guys as they filed out of the locker room.

  So what if Rory was right? So what if I wanted to get one more look at six-pack abs, defined pecs, and those powerful legs that were present on nearly all my teammates? Looking wasn’t hurting anyone, and I was pretty sure that after today, they were never going to change in front of me again. I decided not to say anything that may confirm or deny Rory’s suspicions. Instead, we both jogged over to where Danny was stretching.

  I tried not to stare at his muscles as they flexed and moved. I averted my eyes in the least obvious way possible, and avoided looking directly at his arms as he moved.

  “Hey, guys,” Danny said as we approached him.

  “Hey,” Rory said.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “You sure do have one hell of a campaign manager,” Danny said, pulling off his warm up pants. “I just saw him outside posing for pictures with the dance team that practices down the hall. Shirtless.”

  “Why in the hell is doing that?” Rory asked. He looked over at me. “Do you know why he’s doing that?”

  “Cause usually the dancers vote for the football players,” I said. “I’m guessing he’s trying to sway their votes by showing them that he has bigger biceps and more abs than most of them.”

  “That’s true,” Danny said. “And it will probably work.”

  “I wish he was wrong,” Rory said after a resigned sigh. “But he’s probably not.”

  The three of us looked over to watch the door to the lobby open and Tab walk in. He was wearing a smirk on his face and when he saw us looking at him, winked. I groaned and Rory just rolled his eyes.

  “Alright, guys!” Coach Andrew bellowed. “Let’s get started!”

  I hadn’t slacked off completely when it came to training. However, it was safe to say that I didn’t hit the gym as hard as I probably should have. After an hour of practice, I knew that I was going to be sore as hell in the morning. As soon as we entered the locker room, I stripped off my sweat-drenched shirt and reminded myself that I had something important to do.

  I forced myself to take several deep breaths. I walked over to my locker and opened it up, breathing as deeply and evenly as I could. Rory and Tab appeared next to me, both of them equally as sweaty. They locked eyes with me, and Rory gave me a barely prectiple nod. I turned around, trying my best not to wring my hands together in my typical nervous habit. Rory reached over and gave my forearm a squeeze. I took a deep breath, resisted the urge to throw up, and just went for it.

  “Guys,” I said loudly. “Hey, guys? Can I talk to you a minute?”

  They all stopped and turned to me, most of them in a state of undress. My mind started racing. What the hell was I about to do? I couldn’t be serious? Three other guys just stood there, two of them in their underwear, staring at me.

  “Dude, did you want to say something?” Danny asked.

  Here goes.

  “Yeah, I mean I just wanted to tell you guys something.”

  “Well,” Danny said, making a rolling motion with his hands. “We’re waiting.”

  I bit my lip and forced back a fresh wave of nausea, along with the urge to go running from the room. I could do this. I had to do this.

  “I’m gay.”

  Silence fell over the room. For what seemed like hours, no one said anything. No one scrambled to cover themselves up, though that might have been because they were still standing there with these awestruck looks on their faces. I wanted to say more, to explain things to them, but I never got the chance, Rory and Tab each put a hand on my shoulder and started addressing the rest of the team.

  “Look, we know this might be a shock–”

  “He’s gay?” Cody Wendell snapped. He quickly grabbed a towel and covered himself up. “Dude, I’ve showered with him! He’s seen me naked!”

  “He’s seen us all naked,” Tab pointed out. “And trust me when I say he isn’t interested in anyone that way.”

  Which was a lie.

  “I don’t want this to change things,” I said, looking at my teammates. I tried to look them in the eyes, but all of them except Danny avoided my gaze. “But I’m going to come out at school, and since I spend a lot of time with you guys, I thought that you deserved to know.”

  “How long have you known?” Danny asked.

  I noticed that he was the only one that wasn’t holding a towel over his crotch or trying to cover up his compression trunks, which left nothing to the imagination. I quickly diverted my brain from that kind of thinking. Getting a hard-on in the middle of this conversation would be awkward, to say the least.

  “Um, I just came out to my family a while ago,” I answered, trying to keep my voice from quivering. “But I’ve always known that I was different.”

  “So, you’ve known for awhile, then?” Cody asked angrily as he got to his feet. “Dude, you should have said something–”

  “So you could what?” Rory asked, taking a step forward. I swallowed, hoping that things weren’t about to go from bad to worse. “Freak out like you are now.”

  “He’s seen me naked!” Cody barked, throwing his hands up in the air. “He was staring at my junk through my compression shorts!”

  “You need to calm down,” Danny said.

  Danny took a few steps toward Cody and Rory, and still made no effort to cover up. The other guy in the room, Adam, was still sitting on the bench, his shirt now back on, and a towel wrapped around his waist.

  I took several more deep breaths, fighting the rising sense of panic that was threatening to take over. Tab stood right beside me, his hand still on my shoulder. He would would give it an occasional squeeze, letting me know that he was still there.

  “First off, he wasn’t looking at your junk,” Rory snapped. “And secondly, I’ve seen your in your compression shorts, just like everyone else here, and you don’t have anything spectacular to look at.”

  “You were checking me out, too?” Cody yelled.

  “Settle down,” Danny said, grabbing Cody by the shoulders. “We’re teammates and friends. I’m sure that this is harder for Henry than any of us.”

  Cody puffed out several breaths before taking some steps backwards. Eventually, Danny got him to sit back down on the bench and an uncomfortable silence once again filled the room. I looked over at Danny, who had a look of concern and confusion on his face.

  “I know that this might come as a shock to you guys,” I said. “But, really it changes nothing about me. Like Danny said, I’m still your teammate and your friend.”

  “You just like dick now, huh?” Cody asked.

  Rory balled his fists up at his sides. When he spoke, his voice was strained a
nd laced with annoyance and anger. “Say that again and I’ll knock your ass out.”

  For a moment, Cody looked like he was going to test what Rory was saying. I could see the muscles in Cody’s face and arms tense. However, he refrained from doing much else.

  “Are you going to stay on the team?” Danny asked.

  “I’d like to,” I said, flicking my gaze between my teammates. “If you’ll still have me.”

  “It’s going to be weird,” Cody said. “You showering with us and all. I mean, I know that you say you aren’t looking my junk, but what if you are?”

  “I promise you that I’m not looking at your junk anymore than you’re looking at mine,” I said. “I want nothing to do with any of you sexually.”

  Well, most of you. I thought.

  Cody shook his head. “I know that. I mean, I hear you say that, but shit, man, I’m just not sure.”

  “I’m with him,” Adam said. “It’s going to be weird.”

  Danny rolled his eyes and stood up. “This is stupid. You guys wanna act that way, then fine, act that way. Henry, I don’t care that you’re gay. Thanks for trusting us with this. We all promise that we’ll keep our mouths shut.”

  “Um, yeah, I guess,” Cody finally said. He stood up and started getting dressed again. “I think I’ll just shower at home.”

  “Yeah. Me, too,” Adam said, hightailing it out of the locker room.

  Cody hastily dressed and followed after him, leaving the four of us standing there rather awkwardly.

  “Sorry if I freaked you out,” I said, ducking my head. “I didn’t mean to.”

  “You didn’t freak me out,” replied Danny. “And the other guys will get over it.”

  “They’re gonna tell their parents,” I said. “And then their parents are going to freak out.”

  “No one’s parents are going to freak out,” Rory said.

  “Look, I’ll talk to them,” Danny said as he turned away from us and walked to his bag. He stripped off his compression shorts, and I made myself look at the ceiling. “They’ll get over it. You’re too good to kick off the team.”