It's on Us

by Matthew Burkey-Gilchrist

  “Thanks,” I said, still averting my eyes from looking at any part of Danny.

  I waited until I heard the shower water turn on before looking away from the ceiling and back at Rory and Tab.

  “See, that didn’t go completely awkward, did it?”

  “Well, not completely,” I admitted. “I mean, I still couldn’t look him in the eye.”

  “I don’t think you were looking at his eyes,” Rory commented with a grin on his face.

  “Rory!” I snapped.

  “Dude, it’s cool.”

  “It won’t be cool if he finds out,” I hissed in a low voice. I leaned back against the locker and closed my eyes tight. “He’s going to go ballistic if I ever tell him that I like him.”

  “Then don’t tell him,” Tab suggested with a shrug of his shoulders.

  I looked over at Tab and frowned. Rory smacked him upside the back of his head.

  “All things considered, that didn’t go as bad as you would have thought,” Rory said.

  I nodded in agreement. “Yeah, well, I guess that’s true, but I still think that it’s gonna hit the fan when the video comes out.”

  “Yeah, probably,” Tab said. “But I thought that you didn’t care about that.”

  “I don’t,” I said. I look a deep breath. “Let’s get out of here.”

  “You don’t want to shower with Danny?” Tab asked, giving me the best puppy dog eyes that I had seen to date. “Because you love him,” Tab continued in an incredibly annoying sing song voice.

  “Say that again and I’ll punch you in the nuts,” I snapped.

  “And I’ll hold you still,” Rory said as he started stripping off his own clothes.

  “You’re changing here?” I asked.

  Rory wrinkled his nose at me. “Dude, I stink. I am not getting in my car smelling like this.”

  “You never cared about that before,” I said.

  “That was before he was concentrating on getting Shawna,” Tab said. He wiggled his eyebrows up and down before dodging one of Rory’s fists. “And come on, man, you know that it’s true.”

  “Is it so bad that I want a girl to like me?” Rory asked.

  “Eh. Are you sure that Shawna counts as a girl?” Tab said. “Succubus, maybe, but not girl.”

  “I swear to God, I will kick your ass right here and right now!”

  “Gentlemen, please,” I said, putting a hand on each of their shoulders and holding them apart. “You are not getting into a fight about this. I think that we have had enough drama for one day.”

  “Aren’t you going to shower?” Rory asked, having stripped down to his compression shorts. “Or are you hoping that ‘ode to sweaty balls’ will attract a ton of guys?”

  “What in the hell are you talking about?” I asked. “Actually, you know what, nevermind.”

  “Did you really not get that?” Rory asked, wrapping a towel around his waist. “I thought it was pretty clear where I was going with that.”

  “Totally clear,” I said, grabbing my gym bag on the way to the door. “Can you guys come over tomorrow? I’d like to get a start on the video.”

  “Sure thing,” Rory said as he started for the showers. “I’ll text ya later.”

  CHAPTER 10

  “I’d rather be hated for who I am than

  loved for someone I’m not.” ~ Unknown

  “Maybe we should edit in a couple of lightsaber effects or something,” Tab suggested as he adjusted the tripod that was holding my phone. “I mean, you did say that you were going to out yourself. I mean, in, like, every way possible.”

  “I don’t think we need to worry about post-production just yet,” I replied as I rolled my eyes.

  I rubbed the palms of my sweat-soaked hands on my jeans and forced myself to take deep, calming breaths. I knew one of the hardest parts about my plan was just around the corner. Coming out to the team had been relatively painless. Coming out to the whole school, however? Well, that was another matter entirely.

  We were at the local park, situated near one of the large gazebos that littered the green landscape. It was tucked away down a small path that was lined with trees and shrubs. The day was oddly warm, which was contributing to the fact that I felt like I was sweating buckets. Well, that, and the realization that I was about to do something very brave. Or very stupid. Or maybe a little of both?

  “Are you having second thoughts?” Rory asked. It was almost like he was reading my mind. “You know you don’t have to do this.”

  I shook my head. “Nope. Let’s just hurry up and get this going before I totally lose my nerve and puss out.”

  “I don’t think you are going to puss out,” Rory said. “Trust me, man. You got this.”

  There was a part of me that really believed him. However, there was also a part of me that really, really wanted to throw up and forget that this whole thing had ever happened. But then my mind flashed back to Noah, sitting against the wall with his head head down and not a soul in sight to comfort him. That sobering thought helped push away the last minute jitters. This was for Noah and all the other kids out there like him. All the kids out there like me.

  “Exactly where are you going to tell these guys you want to meet?” Tab asked, pausing and looking up from his phone. “I mean, it’s not like your mom is going to let every lonely kid in town come over.”

  “I texted Ryan last night.”

  “Who?” Tab asked, looking up from his phone again.

  “One of the guys that helps run the dueling league,” I explained.

  “Maybe if you pulled your head out of your phone and listened, you would have known that,” Rory snapped.

  “Please don’t start fighting,” I said, looking between my two friends. “I’m already nervous as hell and I really don’t want to have to deal with another pissing contest.”

  “Okay, so you texted this Ryan guy and asked what?”

  “Ryan works down at the gym. He says that we can use that common space to hang out. He’s pretty cool, and wants to make sure that kids have a safe space if they need it.”

  “Good,” Rory said with a nod. “So, do you have a plan for what you are going to say?”

  “Um, not really,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck. “I thought I might just, you know, wing it?”

  Tab’s eyebrows rose so high I was afraid they were going to come off his face. “You’re leaving what might be one of the most important moments of your life to just winging it?”

  I took a deep breath before responding. “I’m just going to talk from my heart. I mean, that usually works right?”

  “If it’s a freaking Hallmark movie, yeah,” Tab replied. He gestured vaguely at our surroundings. “But in case you haven’t noticed, this is real life.”

  Rory flipped him off and walked over to me. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked me directly in the eye. “You got this.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I got this.”

  “I’ll give you the thumbs up when I start recording,” Rory said. “After that, just let me know when you’re done, or if you want to start over, okay?”

  “Yeah, sounds like a plan.”

  I swallowed hard several times before I felt like I could talk again. I looked over at Rory and gave him a small nod. It was now or never. He gave me the thumbs up a split second after he hit the record button.

  “Hi. Some of you might know who I am,” I said. I had to force myself to keep my voice calm and even, and it was barely five seconds into the video. “But for those of you that don’t, my name is Henry and I’m… gay.”

  I waited to make sure that I wasn’t going to throw up on camera. When I was sure that my lunch was going to stay down, I continued talking.

  “Recently, we lost a student at my school. Someone posted his private videos online and a lot of other people said some pretty horrible things about him. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you, and I’m sorry that you felt that was your only way out. I don’t want anyone else t
o feel that way.”

  I took another deep breath and looked up at my friends. They both nodded in encouragement.

  “I kinda know what that feels like, having a big secret that you don’t think that you can tell anyone else. I felt that way for a long time, and not just about being gay. After I post this video, you’re going to see a lot more from me on this channel. Most of you are going to laugh at it, some of you are going to even make fun of me for it. And you know what? That’s okay.”

  Tab quirked an eyebrow at particular choice of words.

  “I wanted to let everyone know that I’m here. I’m here to listen, to hang out, to talk to. I don’t have all the answers, but I’m willing to be there. I don’t want anyone else to have to go through feeling that lonely and isolated. There’s an email account set up that we’ll show at the end of the video. Feel free to send anything there. Oh, and if any of you assholes are thinking about sending hate mail, know that my parents have access to the account and will waste no time in hunting you dicks down.”

  That prompted an amused smile from both Rory and Tab.

  “I couldn’t help that kid, but I want to help anyone else. Be kind to each other and may the force be with you.”

  Rory tapped the phone, ending the video. I started visibly shaking and almost collapsed. Luckily, Rory and Tab were there to steady me.

  “That was amazing, man!” Rory said as he guided me to the bench in the gazebo. “Really, that was awesome.”

  “For someone that just winged it, it was damn impressive,” Tab added. “Seriously, you made me, you know, feel things. It was weird. I’m not sure I liked it.”

  Rory smacked Tab upside the back of the head. “Asshat.”

  “Maybe it sounded stupid?”

  “It did not sound stupid,” Rory assured me. “You spoke from the heart and it showed.”

  “Now we upload it?” Tab asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah, now we upload it.”

  When my alarm screamed to life the next morning, I was more than a little worried to check my email or look at any of my social media feeds. The advantage of uploading the video on a Saturday meant I would have a few days without the whole school staring down my neck to see what kind of reaction I got. I swung my legs out of bed and headed toward the bathroom, passing Davis on the way.

  “I saw your video,” he said.

  I inwardly cringed, waiting for his assessment.

  “It was cool, man.”

  “Any comments yet?” I asked.

  Davis shook his head. “None that I saw, although I was one of the first people to watch it.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  I made my way downstairs to breakfast, where my mother was frying up some eggs. She smiled widely when I saw her.

  “That was a very brave thing you did, honey,” she said as I took a seat at the table. “We haven’t seen any comments yet, but know that we are both very proud of you.”

  “It was either very brave or very stupid,” I muttered. I took a seat the table. “Do you think that it will make a difference?”

  “I hope so.”

  She put a plate of eggs in front of me a few moments later. As nervous as I was about what I’d just done, it didn’t appear to have affected my appetite. I finished eating the eggs, and bolted back upstairs to that I could take a shower. My stomach was doing flip-flops the entire time. As much as I wanted to check my phone, I had promised that I’d watch the comments with Rory and Tab. Besides, I wasn’t even sure anyone from school knew about my channel. For all I knew, I’d be getting comments from halfway around the world. Well, maybe that was stretching it a bit. I hopped out of the shower, pulled on some clothes, and sprinted to my room. Tab and Rory were already there, looking almost as nervous as I was.

  “See anything yet?”I asked.

  Rory held up his hands. “Not yet, although it’s killing me not to look. You heard anything yet?”

  I shook my head. “Not yet. You Tab?”

  “I’ve been off social media for almost twelve hours now, and it’s killing me! But no, I haven’t seen or heard anything yet.”

  “Maybe we won’t,” Rory suggested. “We didn’t post it on any of your social media sites yet. Unless they are following you, no one has probably seen it.”

  I blew out a long breath before sitting down at my desk. I opened up my laptop, and opened the web browser as Rory and Tab gathered around. My hands started to sweat and my stomach resumed his aerobatic routine. My fingers hovered over the keyboard, ready to type in my password.

  “What if it was a big mistake?” I asked, panic creeping into my voice. I looked between Rory and Tab. “I mean, what if we look and there are only assholes complaining about how my kind are ruining the American family?”

  “First off, you aren’t some species from another planet,” Rory reminded me. “Second off, we’re here with you, so even if some annoying asshole decided to post something negative, we got your back.”

  Despite Rory’s assurance, I felt my resolve slipping away. I closed my eyes and willed myself not to puke all over the keyboard. This was all a big mistake. Maybe I could get online right now and take it down before anyone else saw it. It hadn’t been up that long, and I was sure that I could mitigate the damage somehow. I had no idea how in the hell I was going to do that, but it seemed like a much better idea than leaping out of the closet for all my weird to be displayed to the world.

  I felt two hands on my shoulders and when I opened my eyes again, I saw Rory and Tab. They each gave a shoulder a squeeze.

  “You got this,” Rory said.

  “And we got you,” Tab added.

  Nodding slowly, I took a deep breath and logged into my account.

  “Here goes nothing.”

  My homepage appeared, and for a brief moment, I averted my eyes. At least, until I saw Rory reach down toward the keyboard. When I looked back up, he had opened up a new window that showed the video we had uploaded yesterday. Bracing myself, I looked over at the view counter, hoping that it was still close to zero.

  “Faggot should have stayed in the closet,” Rory read from the screen. “Alright, well, Gamer_69 is a total asshole.”

  I winced when I read the comment. I had braced myself for this feeling, at least I thought I had. However, hearing that word out loud and reading it on screen made my gut twist. I hoped that would be the only negative comment, but readied myself for whatever else was coming my way.

  “What school does he go to? He needs beaten up and shoved in a locker,” Tab read. “For fuck’s sake. What the hell is wrong with these people?”

  “Go back to the closet, gay boy,” I read off the screen.

  I swallowed hard and wiped my sweaty palms on the thighs of my jeans.

  “Fucker should just kill himself and get it over with,” Rory read again. “That’s it, let me respond to some of these assholes. Let’s see how brave they are face to face.”

  “That’s not gonna happen,” Tab replied. “Because they aren’t ever going to have the balls to meet anyone face to face.”

  “And my parents would never go for that,” I added.

  “Hey, look!” Tab said, gesturing excitedly at the screen. “One that is not a dick.”

  “Good work, keep it up,” Rory read. “And another one… brave soul, keep on shining on.”

  “See, it worked, kinda,” Tab said. “I mean, yeah, there are a lot of dicks on here, but there are also some good comments.”

  We spent the next twenty minutes reading through the comments. Though there were some positive ones, the moment the majority of the comments seemed to be geared toward the negative. I felt the knot in my stomach grow ever bigger with each passing comment that we read.

  “Alright, maybe we should stop reading it now,” Rory suggested. “You made your point, and a lot of people watched it. I mean, that’s what you wanted, right?”

  I nodded, pushing down the bile that was threatening to rise up in my throat. “Um, yeah. I guess that’s what I
was going for.”

  “And doesn’t look like anyone from school has commented on it yet,” Rory added.

  I pushed myself away from the desk and stood up. “Um, yeah. I guess that’s a good thing.”

  “You okay?” Tab asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I’m okay. At least, I think I’m okay. I knew this could happen. Hell, I expected this to happen. But it still hurts like hell, I mean, they’re strangers and they don’t know anything about me, but still.”

  “Just remember, we got your back,” Rory assured him. “No matter what happens, we’re going to be right there beside you.”

  “Any text messages or anything?” Tab asked.

  I grabbed my phone and unlocked it. “Nothing so far.”

  “Do you think the team saw it?” Rory asked.

  “If they did, they aren’t saying anything about it,” I replied. “Although given the way that Adam and Cody reacted, I’m kinda scared to see what they are going to say.”

  “Danny will keep them in line,” Rory said, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

  “And if anyone lays a hand on you at school, all you gotta do is let us know,” Tab said.

  “I will totally do that,” I said, nodding empathically.

  CHAPTER 11

  “Convince your enemy that he will gain very little

  by attacking you; this will diminish his enthusiasm” ~ Sun Tzu

  The rest of Sunday was pretty quiet. I had stopped checking my email and social media accounts halfway through the afternoon. Neither Rory or Tab had gotten any messages either, which prompted me to think that no one from my school or hometown had seen it. Or it just wasn’t important enough for anyone to comment on. That thought was both liberating and anxiety-producing at the same time.

  When my mom’s car rolled to a stop next Monday morning, there was a small part of me that thought I was home free.

  “Are you sure that you’re going to be okay, honey?” she asked.

  I took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah, I think so. I mean, I put myself out there like this. I should be ready for whatever comes my way, right?”