Listening to Love

by Beth Wiseman

He cringed. “Sorry. I didn’t realize I was doing that. I guess I just . . .” He was terrified to ask, but he had to know. Would her answer devastate or thrill him? “I want to know . . . if you ever think about us having a family?” There. It was out. He kept his eyes on her and wasn’t going to look away until she answered—that way he would know if she was being completely truthful.

  “Is that why you’ve been squirming around?” She playfully poked him in the ribs.

  It wasn’t the only reason he’d been squirming around, as she put it. A lot of things were making him nervous and anxious, but this was the biggest right now.

  “Lucas . . .” She said his name softly, her smile fading and her expression turning serious. “I know the Amish have big families.” She leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. He couldn’t breathe. “And there is nothing I want more than to have all the babies you want.” She smiled. “After we’re mar—” She stopped abruptly and cleared her throat. “I mean, when it’s the right time, of course.”

  He stroked her head, his hand gliding through her soft blonde hair as relief washed over him. He hadn’t asked her to marry him, but it was clearly assumed since they were discussing having a family. “I wonder what color hair our children will have.”

  She closed her eyes, yawned, and said, “I hope they all have different colored hair.”

  Lucas looked around the apartment again. Diversity. That was Natalie, with her home furnishings and even her children’s hair color. But she wanted children, and Lucas hoped the Lord blessed them with a large family. He was quiet again in case she wanted to sleep.

  “You’re still fidgeting.” She reached up and touched his cheek. “What else is on your mind?”

  When they got married, they would likely live in her apartment with electricity, air-conditioning, television, a microwave, and other conveniences the Englisch enjoyed.

  “I guess I just have a lot of questions.” He forced his foot still when he realized he was tapping it again. “I-I was wondering if someday we would live here, in your apartment.” He looked around and tried to envision himself sitting on this couch and watching television, dining at the small bar that faced the tiny kitchen, and even sleeping in bed with Natalie, holding her as they drifted off to sleep.

  “We might have to, at least for a while.” She kept her eyes locked with his. “Is that going to be okay?”

  “Ya, sure.” He scratched his head. “I’ll need a job, maybe doing construction work.” He wondered where he would find work outside of his community. Could he ever own his own furniture store, or at least build furniture part-time with his brothers?

  “You’re talented, Lucas.” She reached up and cupped his cheek. “You won’t have trouble finding a job.”

  “I-I wonder where we’d go to church.” That part probably stung the worse. He wouldn’t be allowed to attend worship services with his family.

  “I want to find a church home, so that’s something we can explore together . . . when the time is right.” Again she avoided mentioning marriage. Lucas would need to pose the question, and his thoughts echoed Natalie’s words, when the time is right.

  He had guided Natalie on a spiritual path to God, but what he’d thought was only a season with her had turned into a lifetime. He waited for fear and regret to take hold of him, but despite the questions spinning in his mind like a tornado, he felt a calm within the storm.

  “Lucas . . .” She smiled up at him as best she could. “We don’t have to figure out everything right now. I want to continue trusting God and listening to Him. He will show us the way. We can do everything in baby steps.” She waved one of her bruised arms around the room. “This isn’t you. I know that. If it was up to me, we’d live on a farm out in the country somewhere and have tons of animals.”

  His heart was full as she dozed off to sleep. He leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. There wasn’t anywhere else in the world he wanted to be except here with Natalie. There was freedom in being able to express how he felt about her. They were still getting to know each other in many ways, yet Lucas felt like he’d known her forever.

  * * *

  On Wednesday afternoon, Cecelia stood in the middle of Moses’s house with her hands on her hips. Should she call the police and report him missing? He left Monday afternoon to run errands and didn’t appear to have been home since then. She’d paid the bills and taken them to the post office since Moses didn’t have a mailbox outside. After that, she’d returned and snooped a little. It didn’t look like the bed had been slept in, though she had no way to know for sure. There were no dishes in the sink, the pipes still rattled from the toilet running upstairs, and Helen hadn’t seen him as of yesterday.

  Helen. Every time she recalled their conversation and the look on Natalie’s face after hearing it, she wanted to cry. Natalie had left shortly after. She was upset, but at least she’d been answering Cecelia’s calls, letting her know she was okay.

  Cecelia sank into the worn cushions on the couch and crossed one leg over the other, kicking her foot nervously. Jacob came by earlier. He was alone this time, and he’d gone straight to the barn, presumably to feed the animals and make sure they had water. If he hadn’t come by, Cecelia had already decided she would brave it and check on the horses herself.

  Maybe she should go ask Helen if she’d heard anything. Doubtful, since none of them had phones, except Lucas, she presumed. She didn’t relish another run-in with Helen anyway.

  Then there was Tom. She could use this time to consider her ex’s intentions. When they talked yesterday morning, he said he was going to leave Olivia. Tom seemed to think he could waltz back into her life as if the past few years hadn’t happened. Every time she pictured him moving back in, she remembered the fighting, the heartache, and the blow to her self-confidence. Not to mention what they’d both put Natalie through. Then Moses’s face flashed in her mind when she began to contemplate a possible reconciliation with Tom, which didn’t make sense. Was it the flattery Moses often threw her way that caused her to feel better about herself? She hadn’t received such attention from Tom. Not until recently anyway. He’d thrown it on pretty thick the past couple days. Perhaps Moses was just a safe crush because she knew they could never be together. Or was Cecelia slowly changing into a person who would no longer be compatible with Tom—or tolerant of his behavior?

  She jumped when her phone buzzed, and even though she usually didn’t answer calls from numbers she didn’t recognize, she hoped it might be Moses, and answered.

  “Well, hello there. I’m alive and well.” It was him.

  “Moses, where in the world have you been? I’ve been worried sick!” She uncrossed her legs, stood up, and began to pace.

  “I was at the store getting the parts to fix the upstairs toilet when I ran into a man who told me about a horse, a purebred black stallion. I took a bus to Bloomington, bought the horse, and have been trying to find a way to get this beauty home. I borrowed a phone to call and let you know.” He drew in a breath. “Anyway, I’ve paid a man to deliver the horse.”

  “Don’t do that again, worry me like that.” Cecelia quit pacing and sat on the couch again.

  “Aw, did you miss me?” He drew out the words in that sensual voice he was able to turn on at a moment’s notice.

  Cecelia tried to stop the grin taking over her face. “That flirty voice doesn’t excuse you.”

  “I really am sorry. And it won’t happen again.” He paused. “There is one bill I was wondering if you paid. It was a biggie to a fellow named Frank Jones.”

  Cecelia had hesitated to pay such a large amount, almost ten thousand dollars, but it was in the pile, so she’d written and mailed the check. “Yes, I paid it, but I’d forgotten to ask you if it needed to be recorded as relevant to the horses or house expenses. I dropped several payments at the post office today.”

  “It was the purchase of a horse. Glad you got that one in the mail. And I’ve got cash to pay you when I get back.”

/>   “Will you be back by Friday?”

  He chuckled. “I do think you’ve missed me. And, hey . . . I’ve missed you.”

  Cecelia had gone from zero to a hundred when it came to men’s affections recently. It was hard not to be flattered, even if it left her confused too. She decided to sidestep the comment.

  “Did you take gut care of the horses while I was gone?”

  Cecelia grunted, unintentionally, and not very ladylike. “Did you just assume I would tend to the horses in your absence?” She would have, but Moses knew she was afraid of them.

  “I’d hoped you might face your fears and see what lovable animals they really are.”

  Sighing, she said, “Actually, one of Helen’s sons has been taking care of them.”

  “They’re gut kids.”

  Cecelia stayed quiet. She wasn’t going to ask him again when he was coming home since he took the question to mean she missed him.

  “You still there?” he asked.

  “I’m here.”

  “Hey, Cecelia.”

  She grinned. “What? I’m here.”

  “I’ll see you Friday.” He couldn’t have sounded more seductive if he’d tried.

  “Okay, see you then.” She pressed End right away so she could answer another incoming call.

  “Hi, Tom.”

  “How’s Natalie?”

  She raised a hand to her forehead. It was such an abrupt transition from one man to the other. She laughed on the inside at the thought. “She’s mad at me about a conversation she overheard between me and Lucas’s mother, but she’s answering the phone and letting me know she’s okay.”

  Cecelia briefly filled him in about her chat with Helen.

  He was quiet for a few seconds. “You don’t think she’d ever consider converting, do you? I mean, become Amish?”

  “Of course not. Can you picture Natalie living that kind of life? I don’t care how much she thinks she loves this guy, it wouldn’t happen. If they take things to the next level”—she touched her throbbing temple—“and it sounds like they already have, then it is Lucas who will be making some major lifestyle changes.”

  “Yeah, I guess so.”

  Cecelia dropped her hand to her side as she thought about how odd it was to have a normal conversation with Tom. They were just two parents, discussing their child’s future.

  “Have dinner with me tonight?” There was a desperation in Tom’s voice that Cecelia treasured, but she was tempted to say no, to inflict an inkling of the hurt he’d caused her. But she wanted to see him.

  “Okay, I suppose. Where?” She tapped a finger to her chin.

  “Anywhere you want to go.” More sultriness from her other suitor. “I’m still staying at Stan’s. There’s a new place down the road I think you’d like.”

  Cecelia didn’t care for Stan. He’d covered for Tom many times while Tom was having his affair with Olivia. At least he wasn’t asking to stay at her house—their old house.

  She agreed on the restaurant, and after ending the call, Cecelia left to go get ready for her date with bachelor number one. Or is he bachelor number two? He’d been around longer than Moses, so he was bachelor number one, she supposed.

  She called Natalie while she drove. “Hi, honey. I’m about halfway home from work, but I wanted to call and check on you.”

  “I’m okay, Mom. Just sore.”

  “Do you need anything?” Cecelia eased around an Amish buggy and tried to picture Natalie sitting beside Lucas in one. The vision disappeared in a cartoonish poof.

  “No. Lucas was here most of the day, and I slept a lot.”

  Cecelia bit her tongue. “I’m sorry, again, that you overheard Helen and me. But we both have valid concerns.”

  “The whole conversation made me sad, but at the end of the day, it’s my and Lucas’s decision. He told me repeatedly all day that he wants to be with me, no matter what.”

  “I know, but, Natalie, he’ll be giving up the life he was born into. That’s a lot of change.” When her daughter didn’t respond, she said, “I’m having dinner with your father tonight.”

  There was a lengthy silence before Natalie spoke. “I love Dad, and you know that, but I watched how badly he hurt you. I don’t know if it’s healthy for you guys to be thinking about a reconciliation, if that’s what’s going on here.”

  Cecelia swerved to miss a car that cut into her lane. “I honestly don’t know what’s going on. But I guess I need to see what’s on his mind. Call or text if you need anything.”

  After she hung up, she pondered Natalie’s comments and recognized the role reversal that had inched into their lives—slowly at first, but it seemed to define their relationship now. As Cecelia thought more about it, she was ashamed to admit to herself that it had been going on for a while.

  More than once, Cecelia had heard her daughter talking about prayer. It still felt foreign to Cecelia, but as she drove, she figured she didn’t have anything to lose. Since she wasn’t sure exactly what to pray for, she asked God to give her guidance and help her make the right choice when it came to Tom.

  * * *

  Lucas lay in bed with his hands behind his head staring at the rafters. He tried to imagine himself sleeping in Natalie’s bed with the wild purple-and-red bedspread. The apartment was small, so even though he’d never gone into her bedroom, he saw the corner of her bed from where they had settled on the red couch.

  She slept a lot while he was there, which had given him plenty of time to think about all the life changes he would be making in order to be with her. He was glad she was willing to take baby steps toward the life they wanted.

  Lucas would miss hearing the roosters ring in each new day. Would he hear crickets chirping outside her apartment like he could hear them right now? He turned and faced the only window in his bedroom, marveling at the number of stars out. Natalie lived in an area that was well lit at night. Her apartment complex had security lights in the parking lot, and not far off he’d seen businesses with the lights on, people bustling around.

  Would they ever have enough money to buy their own farm? Was Natalie a good cook like his mother? Had she ever witnessed the miracle of a calf being born? And would Lucas ever see that again? Did she understand the satisfaction of tending the land, especially at harvesttime, and then coming home exhausted but with an appreciation for the soil that God gave them to work, for the nourishment of their bodies?

  Lucas could come up with a hundred more changes that would be forthcoming when it came to having a life with Natalie, and he was willing to do whatever he needed to so he could be with her. One thing would never change. He would leave here with an unwavering faith. The external changes didn’t mean his relationship with God had to change. The Lord would stay in his heart no matter where or how he lived. He was sure of that, although other questions rolled around in his mind like tumbleweeds with no direction, traveling wherever the wind blew. His entire future was going in a direction he hadn’t planned on, and he needed a clear mind with organized thoughts.

  And then she called.

  “I love you, and I miss you already,” Natalie whispered.

  A fierce wind blew into his mind and cleared the tumbleweeds.

  “I love and miss you too.”

  He closed his eyes and listened to the crickets, then gazed out the window at the stars, knowing he would give it all up for her.

  Chapter 13

  Cecelia allowed Tom to kiss her good night after dinner. When he wanted to come in and stay the night, however, she said no, insisting he go back to Stan’s to stay. As it turned out, he was still living with Olivia. He was lying to her now about Cecelia, and Cecelia had become the other woman. There was only so far Cecelia could go in this scenario. For the first time ever, she felt a little sorry for Olivia, who was clueless that her fiancé was stepping out with his ex-wife.

  She was getting into bed when her phone rang. She saw the name and hurried to answer it.

  “Natalie, are you okay?”
Cecelia squeezed her eyes closed, praying her daughter was all right. Praying. It became easier and felt more natural each time.

  “Yes, Mom. I’m fine. I’m going to make a full recovery, remember?” She laughed a little, which was nice to hear. “Eventually. Please don’t worry so much.”

  Cecelia let out a breath. “I will try not to worry so much, but no promises.”

  “I just wondered how things went with Dad.”

  Cecelia opened her mouth to tell Natalie about her dinner with Tom, about how she’d turned into the other woman, how Tom had kissed her good night, and how confused she was. But she stopped to consider her options and decided she needed to be Natalie’s mother, to protect her daughter from fear and worry. For once, she wasn’t going to drag her daughter into a situation that only she and Tom could sort out. “It was a nice dinner. I don’t know what will happen, but it was an enjoyable evening.”

  After a few seconds, Natalie said, “That’s good. And I want you to know that I’ll support any decision you and Dad make, whether it’s getting back together or not.”

  Cecelia blinked back tears, knowing that Natalie needed to hear those same words from her. She took a deep breath. “And I will support whatever decision you and Lucas make about your relationship.”

  “Really? I mean, no matter what?”

  “Really.” Cecelia smiled, happy to be having a normal mother-daughter conversation with Natalie, one without sarcasm or attitude—or, in Cecelia’s case, constant whining and crying. Cecelia was Natalie’s mother after all, not her best friend. Not that the roles couldn’t coincide, but she hadn’t been the mother Natalie needed for a long time, and she wanted to change that.

  “I just want you to know that I love you very much.”

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  Cecelia wished her daughter a good night’s sleep, closed her eyes, and decided she’d try talking to someone she was only beginning to know, but who gave her a sense of peace that she’d never had before. God, are You there?

  * * *

  Helen stood at the bottom of the ladder that led to Lucas’s room. She’d tackled it once before when she spied on her son, but her hip had worsened since then. As badly as she wanted to talk to Lucas, she decided not to ask him to come downstairs, even though she could see a faint light beneath his door and knew he was likely awake.