Listening to Love

by Beth Wiseman

  “Oh, it’s still at Moses’s house.” Her mother quickly turned toward the hutch behind her and picked up her purse and keys.

  “Wait, then. You can take me to get my car.” The thought of being stuck here all day and possibly even tomorrow and not being able to see Lucas gave her the strength to lift herself off the couch.

  “No way.” Cecelia pressed her lips firmly together as she slapped her hands to her hips. “You’re in no condition to drive. I’ll take you to get your car when I get home this afternoon.”

  “That doesn’t even make sense. It’s almost forty minutes from Montgomery to Orleans as it is.” Natalie found her purse. “Please just take me, or you know I’ll call someone to come get me.”

  Her mother growled. “I think you should give yourself more time to rest, but come on.”

  Natalie hobbled to the car, and the drive to Moses’s house was quiet as she drifted off to sleep. When she opened her eyes, her mother was nudging her. “Honey, we’re here.”

  She blinked a few times, thinking that, for once, her mother might be right. She was hurting all over. Natalie couldn’t control her flinching, and her mom was suddenly around the car and opening Natalie’s door. After she helped her out, she kept an arm around her. “Maybe I could lie down on Moses’s couch for a while before I go home?”

  “Of course you can. He has an extra bedroom, too, but it’s upstairs.”

  Natalie leaned into her mom’s hold and curled an arm around her. “I love you, Mom.”

  “And I love you.”

  They took a few more steps. “Moses isn’t even here. His buggy is gone.”

  “Okay.” Natalie was ready to lie down on the grass and couldn’t get to the couch fast enough.

  * * *

  After Cecelia got Natalie settled on the couch, her daughter was asleep within minutes. Cecelia shivered every time she thought about that horse dragging Natalie around the arena. Lucas had probably saved her life. He seemed like a nice young man who really cared about Natalie, but to be with her, he’d have to make a lot of sacrifices.

  Cecelia heard horse hooves approaching, so she tiptoed across the den, gently opened the door, and closed it quietly behind her. She wanted to let Moses know Natalie was asleep on the couch. Then she’d fill him in on everything that happened. But it wasn’t Moses who stepped out of the buggy. It was Helen and one of her sons. Cecelia walked toward them.

  “How is Natalie?” Helen brushed off what looked like flour from her black apron.

  “She’s pretty banged up.” Cecelia nodded over her shoulder. “She’s actually asleep on the couch inside.”

  Helen nodded before she turned to the young man next to her. “I don’t know if you remember mei sohn Jacob.”

  “Hello, Jacob.” She turned back to Helen. “Moses isn’t here, if you were wanting to speak to him.”

  Helen pointed toward the arena and spoke to her son. “After you check on that wild horse, go ahead and check on the other animals.”

  Jacob nodded before he walked off, and Helen turned back to Cecelia. “Nee, I knew he wasn’t home. After you left and followed the ambulance last night, I waited for about two hours so I could tell him that his horse was sleeping and not dead or sick, but he never showed up. He still wasn’t home at four o’clock this morning.” She shrugged. “I figure he must not have come home, which isn’t like him since he has these animals to tend to. Mei boys take care of their three horses, but Moses has about a dozen of his own.”

  “Hmm . . . He said he was going to town for errands when he left yesterday, and I had the impression that he wouldn’t be gone very long.” Cecelia tucked her semi-blonde hair behind her ears.

  “I’m glad Natalie is recovering well. It will probably take awhile for her to feel back to normal.” Helen started to walk in the direction her son had gone.

  “Helen . . .” Cecelia was barefoot. She’d kicked off her shoes in the house so they didn’t click against the wood floor and wake up Natalie. As she stepped across the pebbles on the driveway to get to Helen, she cringed. “Ow, ow, ow.” Then she glanced at Helen’s bare feet, chafed around the edges. Nope. Natalie would never live like that. But Cecelia wanted absolute assurance that Lucas didn’t think she might consider it. “I guess you saw the way Lucas was with Natalie yesterday.”

  Helen raised her chin, the way she often did when they spoke about their children. “Ya. And I saw the way Natalie was with Lucas . . . after he saved her life, that is.”

  Cecelia brought a hand to her chest. “And I will be forever grateful to Lucas for that. But . . . aren’t you worried about where this is going now? It looked more serious than I could have imagined, especially since they recently decided not to see each other anymore. Lucas would have to make a lot of changes to be with Natalie.”

  Helen cut her eyes at Cecelia, that chin of hers lifted even higher. “I am well aware of that.” She turned to walk away.

  “Wait. Helen.” Cecelia scratched her forehead as she tried to think of a way to let Helen know she wasn’t happy about the relationship either. But she didn’t want to hurt Helen’s feelings. The woman had tranquilized a horse that could have killed Natalie, and she was kind enough to ask how Natalie was doing. “I’m not in favor of this relationship either. I’m sure Lucas is a fine young man, but Natalie is going to college, and I don’t want anything—or anyone—to derail her plans.”

  Cecelia wasn’t even sure if that was the case, but Lucas would still have a strong influence on Natalie’s decisions, whether she realized it or not. “We’re on the same side when it comes to Lucas and Natalie. What if this thing with them goes the distance and they decide to get married? What kind of a job can Lucas get in the outside world with only an eighth-grade education?”

  Helen’s face turned bright red. “Is that what is at stake for you, Cecelia? That your daughter will marry beneath herself? What is happening to mei family is every parent’s nightmare—one of our children leaving to go live in a world where we can’t be sure they are safe. To live in a world with people who are unequally yoked with us. Temptation, crime, and a host of worldly things will threaten our Lucas and everything he has been taught and stands for.”

  Cecelia pressed her lips into a thin line, then took a deep breath. “Careful, Helen. You make it sound like your people are better than us, and that doesn’t seem very Christian to me.”

  “Isn’t that what you just implied when you said Lucas only has an eighth-grade education?”

  “Okay, I probably shouldn’t have said that.” She did regret it. Cecelia knew lots of people who had dropped out of school and gone on to have successful careers. “I think we are just going to have to call a truce and accept what is happening. They’re young and haven’t been spending time together all that long. This could fizzle out, and we could be worrying for nothing.”

  “I hope you’re right. Natalie is the last thing Lucas needs.”

  Cecelia’s jaw dropped. “There are tons of men who would love to have Natalie in their life. Lucas should count his lucky stars.”

  Helen hung her head for a few seconds, and when she looked back up, a fire blazed in her eyes. “Lucas will probably give up everything that is important to him to be with Natalie. We will pray that he stays true to his faith if and when he chooses to be with your daughter. But your world is filled with temptation, and Lucas would be living a lifestyle we don’t approve of.”

  Cecelia’s mouth fell open again. “You make it sound like our way of life will influence Lucas’s choices for good or bad, but how he was raised will play a large factor in the choices he makes. And I’m sure your community has plenty of crime, sinners, and people who make bad judgments just like everywhere else.”

  “Of course we have sinners, but the most important part of our detachment from the outside world is that we are unequally yoked with the Englisch.” She shook her head. “You wouldn’t understand.”

  “Try me.” Cecelia spat the words.

  “We are certain o
f those in our district, of their belief in God and their commitment to the Ordnung, the rules we follow and know by heart. Ya, we have sinners among us. We are all sinners. And for that reason, we try to stay as detached as we can from others—those we don’t know, those who might think they know the Lord but who are not living by His standards.”

  “Helen, you don’t know anything about me. Or Natalie. How do you know that our faith in God isn’t as strong as yours?” Cecelia was reaching, but it made for a good argument.

  Helen offered a sad smile. “That’s just it. We don’t.”

  Cecelia scratched her head. “Okay, well . . . I guess we could go on like this all day, but I’ve got work to do.”

  Helen faced off with her. “I will be hoping and praying that this is an infatuation that will pass.”

  Cecelia clenched her fists at her sides before she took a deep breath. This wasn’t worth it. “I will be hoping and praying the same thing.” She turned to go inside and eased the door open, her stomach clenching when she saw Natalie standing by the open window. Cecelia’s heart pounded. She sighed. “How much did you hear?”

  A tear rolled down Natalie’s swollen cheek. “Enough.”

  Chapter 12

  Natalie had slept on Moses’s couch most of the day Tuesday, despite being upset about the conversation between her mother and Helen. She hadn’t had the energy to leave until later in the afternoon.

  Moses never came home. Her mother’s concern was evident by the time Natalie left around three. She’d told Natalie repeatedly how sorry she was that she overheard the conversation with Helen. Natalie wished she hadn’t heard it. When people were in love, it was usually important for the couple to have their families’ blessing. Lucas and Natalie weren’t going to have it from either side.

  She’d slept better in her own bed last night, but she woke up as sore as she’d been the previous day, and she looked like someone had punched her in the face. Her eye was more swollen and blacker, and her lip wasn’t looking any better. She’d called Lucas last night, but they hadn’t talked for long since Natalie was groggy and hurting. This morning, she sent him a text asking if they could meet somewhere else so the people at the library didn’t see her looking like this. To her surprise, he texted back and said he would come to her apartment. Maybe this was his first step toward a different kind of life.

  As she waited for him to arrive, the conversation between her mother and Helen played over and over again in her mind. It was going to devastate Lucas’s entire family when he left. And would her mother and her Amish in-laws ever see eye to eye on anything? Or was Natalie jumping the gun by thinking about such things?

  Her talk with Mary kept replaying in her mind as well. Everyone assumed Natalie could never make the changes necessary to be in Lucas’s world. But could I? She rolled the thought around, picturing herself driving a buggy instead of a car. At first she couldn’t imagine traveling that way. But as she closed her eyes and thought about the wind in her hair, the aroma of freshly cut hay, and the possibility of owning a horse of her own, she reconsidered that maybe giving up a car wouldn’t be as devastating as she’d thought.

  Then there were the clothes. No more blue jeans, T-shirts—or even haircuts. She tossed that thought around for a few minutes. Then she looked beyond the material aspects and focused on what the religion stood for—a powerful, loyal relationship with God without the distractions that were so abundant in her world. That was one thing she would hold on to no matter how she lived her life. Did those who knew her doubt her convictions? Their assumptions that she wasn’t capable of such a conversion began to bother her.

  When she heard a knock, she hobbled across the floor in her gray sweatpants. She paused to glance at the decorative mirror on the wall and shook her head at her reflection before opening the door.

  “I know I look awful.” She lowered her head.

  Lucas stepped inside and closed the door behind him. “You look beautiful.” He kissed her on the side of her face that wasn’t bruised. The right side of her body had taken on the brunt of the injuries.

  She pointed a finger at him. “Now, that’s a lie.” She’d been resting in her bedroom, but lying on her bed, however innocent, would be awkward for Lucas. And it was a huge step for him to be here. She pointed to the couch. “I need to sit if that’s okay.” She reached for his hand and led him to the couch, where they sat side by side.

  “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable here with me, like this. You know, us alone together in my apartment. I know the rules.” She avoided his eyes until he spoke.

  “Ya, it’s a rule, I guess. But my not wanting to be alone with you was more about temptation. We were trying to stay friends, and I didn’t want to add any more challenges to our relationship.” He squeezed her hand, his own trembling. She wondered if the temptation had grown worse for him since they’d kissed. It had for her. She felt a strong desire to show Lucas how much she loved him. But she knew it would be wrong if they were physical and not married, so she made a mental note not to let things travel to a place that would cause both of them remorse later.

  When Lucas brought her hand to his mouth and kissed it softly, she had a better understanding of the not-being-alone rule and reminded herself that temptation could sneak up on them easily.

  “I didn’t realize how much I loved you until I thought I might lose you.” Lucas stared into her eyes. “I want to be with you, no matter what.”

  Natalie clung to his words, the one solid reality in a world that was shifting beneath their feet. “I feel the same way.” She paused as she remembered the conversation between her mother and Helen again. “I overheard your mother and mine talking yesterday.” She sighed. “It wasn’t pretty. Neither of our families wants us together, Lucas.”

  “It’s not up to them. I’ve prayed about this a lot, and I thought I could walk away from you since everyone thought that was best.” He maintained eye contact, unflinching, still holding her hand. “It’s too late for that now.”

  Natalie’s eyes filled with tears. “I feel the same way, but . . . I don’t want you to have regrets about this decision later.” She didn’t want to use the words “when you stop being Amish,” even though that was exactly what had to happen for them to have a life together.

  Maybe she was being too forward. They loved each other, but it wasn’t like he’d asked her to marry him. She couldn’t help but wonder if there was some better compromise somehow. Was there a way for them to be together without him having to make all of the sacrifices?

  When he didn’t respond to her comment, his silence seemed to speak volumes to Natalie. How could he not have regrets about leaving his family, his lifestyle, everything he knew—and how would that affect them down the line?

  * * *

  Lucas’s life plan was changing. He was going to marry Natalie someday. He had waited until he was twenty-two years old to find the right person, and he never could have imagined she would be someone outside of his community. If being without her for three days caused him so much grief, what would the rest of his life have been like without her? She made him feel like a better version of himself.

  Even so, giving up the life he’d always known and the future he’d dreamed of ripped at his insides. He wouldn’t be shunned, but he wouldn’t be raising a family the way he’d always assumed he would. His chest tightened. He didn’t even know if Natalie wanted children. They’d been so dead set about staying friends that he’d never asked. His pulse sped up as he considered what her answer might be. What if she didn’t want a large family? What if she didn’t want kids at all?

  Lucas eased his arm around her. “Am I hurting you?”

  She shook her head. “No. Not any more than I’m already hurting.” She leaned her head on his shoulder. “That was such a stupid thing to do—thinking I could ride that horse.”

  “Ya. Don’t ever do something like that again.” He scowled as he thought about how much worse things could have been. “Why did you try to ride
him, anyway?”

  She stared into space for a couple seconds before she met his eyes. “I wanted to do something no one else had been able to do, to prove to myself that I did have something to contribute when it came to animals. I thought if I could ride him, maybe it would make up for the other areas I’m having trouble with.” Shrugging, she said, “I rode horses when I was younger, but that was a long time ago. I should have known better.”

  She nudged him with her elbow. “Are you still with me? You look like you’re off in another world.”

  Lucas gathered up his emotional loose ends and refocused. “Ya, I heard you. I’m just glad you’re all right.” His mind had been guilty of drifting. He couldn’t get the question about children off his mind.

  “I’ve never been in your apartment.” He eyed the red couch they were sitting on, the abstract paintings on the wall, and the weird coffee table that looked like it had giant talons for legs. He swallowed hard as he wondered how Natalie would decorate their home someday. Lucas could already see his mother’s face if she came to visit and it looked anything like this. Yet everything about the place seemed to represent Natalie.

  “Can I lay my head in your lap?” Her face twisted in pain. Lucas eased his arm from around her and scooted to the end of the small couch, wishing he could take away some of her discomfort.

  “Of course you can. Do you want me to leave so you can rest?”

  She readjusted, laying her head on his leg as she got settled on her back. “Not yet.”

  Natalie closed her eyes, and they were quiet for a while.

  “What’s wrong, Lucas?”

  He’d thought she was asleep. “Nothing. Why?”

  “You’re tapping your foot, and you haven’t been still since you got here.”