Separate Like Stars

by Diana Kane

  “Look, I get it, you only want to be friends. I’ll be fine with that eventually, but tonight was too much.” Olivia opens her mouth to speak, but I’m just getting started, so I hold up a hand to silence her. “How do you think it felt watching you and Katie fawn over each other all night? I was fucking jealous and not having a good time. Why would she even bother calling me her replacement? Clearly, no one is taking her place in your book. You couldn’t be bothered to say two words to me after we got there. In fact, you couldn’t be bothered to leave her side. So why are you here asking why I left when you didn’t care that I was there in the first place? Are you two getting some sort of twisted laugh out of this? Is she downstairs right now waiting for you?” I pause to take a deep breath, fully intending to continue, but Olivia stops me.

  “It’s my turn, so listen. No, Katie is not downstairs. I told you before that she and I are not together, that we are friends. I haven’t seen her since she moved. We’ve talked on the phone, but that’s it. She’s in town visiting family. I didn’t know she was going to be there, it was Erica’s surprise for everyone,” she says with a quick sigh as she rakes her fingers through her hair, pushing it out of her face. “You’re right. I did get excited that she was back. We were best friends for years before we kissed those few times, less so after. I’m sorry that I didn’t talk to you after we got there, but I got pulled into catching up with Katie and thought you were all right. I also thought that you saw me looking at you and smiling, but I guess you didn’t. When did I say that I only wanted to be your friend?”

  “The night that I told you, you said we would talk about it, but when I brought it up again, your only response was ‘Oh,’” I remind her, my hands working overtime, flourishing here and there, finishing up with a set of air quotes.

  “Obviously I need to work on being more transparent,” she says and shakes her head. “I said we would discuss it when you felt better. You didn’t exactly tell me at the best time, did you? I only meant that we would revisit it when you were healed and you weren’t high on pain pills and whatever they gave you earlier that day. I like you Jordan, but I wanted you to be sure of what you were saying. I don’t want to go through another Katie situation. I also wanted to be able to kiss you if I wanted to, which given you had just had surgery, wasn’t really an option. Do you have any idea how frustratingly difficult this last week has been, trying to walk some imaginary line where I don’t pressure you to talk about this, yet still try to show you that I care without trying to kiss you?” Unfortunately I have a tendency to cry when my emotions quickly swing from one extreme to another, so naturally, tears start falling as Olivia speaks. “Please don’t cry,” she whispers. “I like you Jordan. I have since day one. But I knew that I was a lesbian before I even knew what the word meant. How do you know that this is what you want?”

  “You want me to try to explain it to you?” Olivia answers with a nod, her blue eyes appearing slightly grey in my lamp-lit room. I shift from my reclining position and sit up, mimicking Olivia’s positioning. “I’m not sure I know how to verbalize it,” I admit, earning a quiet chuckle from Olivia.

  “A writer who can’t find the words,” she teases me, easing some of the tension.

  “I’m not a writer,” I mumble as I pick at the blanket I’m sitting on.

  “You are, and you always will be,” she says as she scoots a little closer and takes my hand, the contact with her rekindling those sensations.

  “Okay, like this,” I say looking at our hands. “When you touch me, it’s like my blood becomes hotter and my stomach gets tied in knots. The night you came out to me was the first time I realized it. Now I crave it. Like I’ve become addicted to the feeling or something. I don’t know what you want me to say. I’ve never liked anyone before. I’ve been kissed twice, and both times I was repulsed. But I want to kiss you. I think about what it would be like. I wonder how it would make me feel.” I sit silently waiting for her to respond, to pull her hand away, anything.

  “You know if we go down this path we can’t be like everyone else.” I look up and into her eyes, my brow furrowed in confusion. “We can’t hold hands in the hallway, can’t kiss in public, you won’t be able to sit on my lap at a party, no one outside of our families can know. The world isn’t going to be kind to us.”

  “I know,” I whisper, daring to raise her hand to my lips, my heartbeat tripling as I plant a kiss against the soft flesh. “I know all of that, and I still feel this way,” I inform her as I lower our linked hands back to the bed.

  “If it doesn’t work out do you think we will still be friends?”

  “I don’t know. But I know that it isn’t getting easier to ignore these feelings,” I murmur, wondering why she is focusing on all the negatives.

  “God I want to kiss you,” Olivia confesses as she stares at me.

  “Me too,” I manage as I gaze back at her and brush my thumb against her hand. We sit locked in the gaze for what feels like an eternity, my heart hammering at the thought of the possibility, my eyes darting back and forth between her intense eyes to her slightly parted lips.

  “It’s totally awkward now, isn’t it?” she finally asks, breaking the spell.

  “A little,” I agree, disappointment dampening my surging emotions.

  “Movie?” she chokes out the question, the tense silence getting to both of us.

  “Okay,” I manage before letting go of her hand and getting up. “Hocus Pocus since it’s almost Halloween?” I ask when my back is to her, my mind swirling with disappointment, longing, and other emotions I can’t grasp.

  “Yeah,” she responds as I pull the movie from the shelf in my closet. I see her in my peripheral view, sitting in the same position on my bed. I watch her as I move around my room and start the movie, wondering how to get rid of the tension in the air. The film begins as I make my way back to my bed, watching Olivia the entire time. She turns her head as I approach and I realize that there’s only one solution. Looking down at Olivia feels strange as I reach out and caress her cheek as I bring my lips to hers. The kiss is nothing more than a lingering soft press, a testing of the waters as I wait for her to respond, fearful that she won’t, dreading that I’ll feel repulsed like I did when I was kissed before. I hear Olivia’s breath catch as I pull my lips from hers and look into her eyes. I dare to press my lips to hers again, as my fingers trace over her cheek and slide down the side of her neck. I tremble when her lips part and she ghosts the tip of her tongue along my lips. My lips yield and my tongue meets hers as she grips my hips to pull me closer. Her kiss is gentle and rhythmic, not at all like the fast-paced, aggressive kisses I was subjected to before. The sensations I’m feeling as Olivia’s lips and tongue work with mine eclipse those that I felt before. My body feels like it’s on fire, my pulse is thundering in my ears, my nipples begin to tighten, and I feel a soft thrumming in my pajama pants that I’ve never felt before. I hear a soft whimper escape Olivia as I pull away, needing to breathe and feeling overwhelmed with these new sensations.

  “I need to do that again,” she rasps as she stands up and wraps her hand around the back of my neck. Her intense stare and kiss-swollen lips will forever be seared into my memory as she pulls me to her and kisses me again. When we finally separate I look up at the hazy sheen in her eyes, one that I’m certain is reflected in my own. I smile at her as I pull her to me and rest my head against her shoulder. I watch the pounding of the pulse point in her neck, further confirmation that she feels the same way that I do. “Are you all right?” she whispers, barely audible over the sounds coming from the TV.

  “Yeah. That was just…” I trail off, searching for the perfect word to describe that kiss.

  “Intense,” Olivia offers.

  “Very,” I reply and smile as she kisses my forehead.

  “These feelings are all new to me, I don’t know what to do with them,” she confesses.

  “But you had Katie and the woman at the party,” I protest, confused by her remark.
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  “I don’t even remember the name of the woman at the party and Katie was a good friend. She kissed me first. She’s attractive, but it isn’t like I ever had feelings for her.” I stay silent as I enjoy the feeling of having Olivia’s arms wrapped around me. “I feel something for you, you know.”

  “Me too,” I murmur as I squeeze her a little tighter.

  “We should watch the movie, or I’m going to kiss you again. After that last one, I’m not sure how I’d stop.” I chuckle as I lean back and quickly press my lips to hers.

  “Best not tempt you then,” I tease as I take her hand and guide us to my bed. “You gonna be okay here?”

  “I’ll try to control myself,” she promises with a laugh and a grin. We settle in on my bed and rewind the movie, Olivia laying on her side, her head resting on my shoulder, her fingertips slowly skimming up and down my arm, touching me just enough to trigger my sensory nerves, creating a trail of goosebumps along my flesh. I try to focus on the movie but every trip her fingertips make releases another hit of whatever it is that makes me long for her. Eventually, she lifts herself up, her eyes boring into mine before she leans in and reconnects our lips.

  “What are you doing?” I mumble against the press of her soft lips, the last remnants of her berry lip balm hitting my taste buds.

  “Testing a theory,” she answers before kissing me again.

  “What theory?” I manage before initiating the next kiss.

  “I could hear your heartbeat and your breathing. My theory was that you wanted me to kiss you,” she says as she looks at me with a cocky grin on her swollen lips.

  “And your conclusion?”

  “Needs more testing,” she answers before kissing me again. And then again. Then I’m drawing her lips back to mine. Each brush of her lips, every stroke of her velvety tongue against mine amplifies this desire within me that has been dormant my entire life. Before I know what I’m doing, I’m pulling Olivia on top of me. She offers no resistance as she slides her body over mine and kisses me again. The weight of her body causes a pool of moisture between my legs as my fingers discover a bare patch of skin along her lower back where her shirt rode up when she slid on top of me. “You are way too good at this,” Olivia rasps when she pulls back and looks at me, her weight resting on her knees and extended arms. I look up at her as she looms over me, and see what I think is unbridled lust and hunger.

  “Me? Now I understand how people lose their heads doing this.” Olivia laughs as she chews her lower lip.

  “Yeah.” I watch her weighing something as she gazes at me, the desire in her eyes still evident.

  “We aren’t ready,” I whisper, seeing relief wash over Olivia’s form.

  “Thank god you said it. I don’t know if I would have made that decision,” she answers as she shifts herself off of me, taking a deep breath and blowing it out towards the ceiling. “It isn’t that I’m not…you know. I so am…it’s just…” I’ve never heard Olivia stammer so much.

  “I get it. Trust me, we’re in the same place,” I try to assure her. “Liv, we only got together or whatever like an hour ago. I’ve never even made out with anyone, much less been this excited before.”

  “Liv?” she questions as she looks over at me from the other side of the pillow. “You’ve never called me that before.”

  “Does it bother you?”

  “Not from you, it doesn’t,” she says with a smile as her fingertips run along my lower jaw. “Wait you said you’ve never been this excited before. So you never…you know,” she questions, her eyes quickly shifting downward and then back up. I shake my head no and watch as she pulls her lower lip between her teeth. “Why did I just ask you that? Now I have that image in my head,” she reveals as she closes her eyes and shakes her head.

  “I assume you have,” I inquire when she looks at me. She nods her answer, not showing any signs of embarrassment. “Maybe you can save that image for later or something,” I suggest.

  “You are so not helping, do you know that?” she asks as she flops onto her back, pulls the pillow over her face and screams into it.

  “Should I give you some privacy?” I offer, the sentiment only seeming fair since I’m partly responsible for Olivia’s frustrated state.

  “I’ll be fine,” she whispers as she leans forward and gives me a soft kiss. “We should pretend we’re going to watch the movie again,” she suggests with a playful grin.

  Chapter 8

  I wake up in the morning and smile as I feel Olivia’s arm slung over me, her chest pressed against my back.

  “I think my parents are downstairs,” she whispers causing me to jump. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” she adds before I feel her weight shift as she sits up far enough to kiss me on the cheek.

  “It’s after 10, my mom should be asleep by now,” I observe as I roll over to face Olivia.

  “It isn’t good, is it?”

  “Well they clearly know, or at least suspect. Should we get this over with?” I ask, not wanting to leave my bed.

  “Might as well,” she replies with a sigh. She keeps her hand on my hip as she scoots a little closer and leans in for a kiss.

  “Don’t, I have morning breath,” I protest as I back my face away from hers.

  “So do I. Besides it isn’t that bad. Now when you had that infection, that was bad,” she says with a smirk.

  “Oh my god,” I quietly cry out as I pull the pillow from under my head and stuff it over my face to hide my embarrassment.

  “Stop it,” she says as she pulls the pillow out of my hands. She leans down and tries to kiss me again, only this time I meet her halfway. The faint sound of laughter makes its way upstairs as we part. “They’re laughing. Maybe it isn’t going to be too terrible,” she observes as she lays back down.

  “Only one way to find out,” I reply as I slip out of bed. Olivia follows, and I laugh again at the sight of her in my pajama pants, which are a good three inches too short in the legs. We quietly make our way downstairs, Olivia taking my hand when we reach the living room, the smell of coffee permeating my nostrils. We look at each other, and I tilt my head towards the dining room, indicating we might as well get this over with.

  “Good morning,” my mom greets us as Mrs. and Mr. O’Connor turn to look at us as well. The lack of surprise on any of their faces is enough for me to know that they know about Olivia and me. “Take a seat,” my mom orders us as she glances at Olivia’s parents.

  “Mom—,” I start before she stops me by holding up a finger.

  “We’ve been discussing what we should do about this since I came home and found the two of you this morning. We’ve decided that how we handle this is going to depend on a number of factors, the first being how honest you are with us during this discussion.” Olivia and I look at one another before turning back to our parents.

  “When did it start?” Mrs. O’Connor begins the interrogation, drawing our focus to her.

  “Last night,” Olivia answers as she squeezes my hand.

  “Did you have sex?” my mom blurts out. Leave it to her to just put the most embarrassing question out there with little to no preamble.

  “Mom! No, we did not,” I glare at her, exasperated at her lack of tact.

  “Neither of us has before,” Olivia adds.

  “But you’re wearing her clothes,” Mr. O’Connor observes.

  “Yeah dad, I know. I came here after I left the bonfire and Jordan lent them to me. Mine smelled like smoke.”

  “I thought you went to the bonfire with Olivia,” my mom quickly adds. Shouldn’t she be too tired to catch onto things so quickly?

  “I did, but I got a ride home from someone else.”

  “Who and why?”

  “David because I wasn’t having fun at the bonfire. He was going into town for more chocolate. And before you ask, I wasn’t having fun because I was jealous of Olivia’s friend Katie, because I told Olivia the night I had my wisdom teeth out that I liked her and it’s just all
been one big jumble of confusion since then. She came here looking for me because I told David I wasn’t feeling well. We talked…had an argument…hashed it out….whatever you want to call it and now we’re…” I finally take a breath as I look at Olivia for clarification. Olivia’s face is a mixture of amusement and shock as she tries to suppress a giggle. “Together?” I ask Olivia, not having a clue how to label it since we never had a chance to discuss it.

  “Together,” Olivia confirms.

  “She’s telling the truth,” my mom informs Mrs. and Mr. O’Connor.

  “So is Olivia,” Mrs. O’Connor adds.

  “You should both know that we don’t have an issue with the two of you being together. That said, how do you think we should address the fact that you’re together and live next door to each other?”