Dirty Rotten Seizure

by Andrew Bardsley

  “I should hope so,” I said, looking around at the scene that looked like a medieval town in the heart of Europe. “Books or clothes first?”

  “Clothes first, as it’s my birthday.”

  She pulled me along toward the shops. The next hour was full of what could politely be called window-shopping. We covered the entire length of the shopping district while Salihn looked at the clothes on display.

  “Are we actually going to enter a store?” I asked, desperate for her to get this over with.

  “This is all part of the fun of doing this together,” she said as we stopped at another shop.

  “Oh, sorry - I forgot that we were having fun!” I muttered.

  “Well, just to please you, we can enter this shop,” she said.

  I noticed that the window displayed several gowns that looked to be rather expensive. Some of the mannequins even wore jewelry to accessorize them. Salihn opened the wooden door to the store and I heard a bell ring as we entered. The store was full of drawers and cupboards with glass fronts showing items on display. Behind a large counter was an elven man cutting material as though he was making something.

  There were three younger women standing around and commenting on how they would look in the clothing. They all had light blond hair, and were well-dressed and elegant.

  When they saw Salihn’s black hair and armor, they frowned slightly. I heard one of them mutter, slightly fearfully, “Dark elf warrior.”

  I noticed that the women were looking intently at me. For a few seconds it was like they were trying to pierce my disguise, to no avail.

  They whispered to each other and I heard them say, “...well, he has the hair color but...”

  Before I could hear any more of their conversation, a well-dressed man came from the back room. When he saw Salihn’s dark hair and armor, his eyes widened eagerly. He approached us with a polite smile that suggested he saw the potential for a good sale.

  “Good day madam, warrior of the depths of the great forest! How may I be of assistance to you?” he asked, rubbing his hands together.

  That’s a mouthful, I thought with amusement.

  Salihn nodded gracefully to the polite tailor and said, “There are a few dresses that I would like to try on.”

  She showed the attentive tailor the gowns that she liked. He nodded and spent a few minutes gathering them for her, then with a smile, she followed him into the changing room.

  Finding myself at a loss of what to do, I found a bench and pulled out my book of life and started to study some magical spells. I had been studying for several minutes when I heard a cough from just in front of me. It was one of the blond women, standing with her hand to her mouth. I could see the other two at the far end of the shop, looking on intently.

  “Sorry to be so blunt, but are you really a dark elf?” she asked.

  I flicked my eyes to a mirror at the other end of the store and saw my refection. Yes, the hair on my head was dark but my arms had light blond hair. As for the false ears, they were only marginally convincing.

  Fortunately, before I had time to answer I heard movement from the back of the shop. The woman in front of me quickly left to return to her friends and Salihn came out in one of the gowns that she had been trying on. As I looked at her, she twisted around to give me a good looked at the dress. She looked spectacular in the full-length maroon dress; it seemed to have being sculpted to fit her body.

  I stood up and walked over, and said appreciatively, “You look amazing and wonderful at the same time!”

  She blushed and smiled. “Thank you, dear. So nice of you to say.”

  She gave another twirl and said, “It is rather expensive, though. I never did ask how much you were willing to pay.”

  “For you, the money's not an issue,” I said, knowing that I had a significant amount of gold and other valuables in my inventory.

  “Well, if you pay for the gown I’ll just go and get back into my armor,” she said, about to turn and head back to the changing room.

  I suddenly wanted to see her dressed like this some more, so I said, “As this is your birthday, why don’t we go somewhere special and eat? So, you might as well stay all dressed up.”

  Salihn beamed with happiness. “I know a good place where we can have a late lunch in the top of the city trees. I’ll just go get my armor.”

  As she disappeared, the tailor who had served her came up to me and said, “She looks wonderful in it, sir. Let me take you to the counter so you can pay.”

  I nodded and paid for the dress, wondering if it was expensive or not as I had no benchmark for the cost of high-end clothing. The man was surprised to see me paying with a gold coin, but I figured that it was not too expensive for somebody with a large chunk of a king's treasury in their inventory.

  --

  It was midafternoon when we exited the climbing nest of wooden sticks. The journey upward had been exciting and had given me a wonderful view of the surrounding forest and city. When I climbed out of the nest, I felt conspicuous in the smart clothing Salihn had urged me to buy in order to be presentable at the restaurant. I had given in, as next to her in her wonderful gown I’d looked out of place in my ‘rags,’ as she called them

  I extended a hand and helped Salihn out of the contraption. She moved with a grace and poise that made her look like royalty. As we walked through the well-groomed garden outside the restaurant, the maître d’ came out to meet us. He bowed politely to Salihn and nodded to me. “A table for two, sir?”

  “Yes, please.”

  He led us through the busy but airy restaurant onto a balcony. We passed many people who were dressed as if they were at a gala, not just lunching in a restaurant. Many of them looked at us as we passed them by. I guessed that my height was still a problem for any disguise, and Salihn just looked too stunning for anybody not to look at. The maître d’ led us to a small table on the edge of the balcony with spectacular views of the surrounding forest.

  As I helped Salihn sit down, I looked at the view of the green canopy that seemed to go on forever. No wonder they had placed a restaurant here, as it hung just outside the city and gave wonderful views of the forest.

  Listening to the birdsong that provided the music for the occasion, I was handed a menu. For a few minutes I browsed through the list of food and drink.

  I closed my menu and said to my beautiful companion, “I have no clue what anything is. Would you order for me, please?”

  “That’s fine,” she said, and signaled for the waitress.

  After a few minutes of chatting about small things, the first course came to the table. My first impression was that the portion was minute. With a small utensil that was like a thin stick, I took my first taste. The explosion of taste in my mouth was amazing as it rebounded back and forth across my taste buds.

  Salihn smiled at me and said, “I thought you would like it. Now try it with the wine.”

  I did so, and they really complimented each other.

  “Is there some kind of witch doctor in the kitchen preparing this?” I asked in wonder.

  “I’m not sure what a witch doctor is, but they do have an Alchemist on site,” she said. “All of the food has different magical effects.”

  “What does this do for you?”

  She was just about to answer when a disturbance came from the front of the restaurant. We both looked up and saw a couple enter the room. Behind them were three guards, all with dark hair and serious armor that spoke of proficiency over style. The couple had very light blond hair that shone in the light of the day. Some of the patrons of the restaurant were standing and bowing as the regal-looking couple passed them and headed toward our balcony.

  When they got closer, I heard Salihn gasp in distress. When I turned to her, her face was as white as a sheet.

  She was about to turn away when the regal-looking woman shouted in shock, “My lady Salihn! Where have you been all this time?”

  The lady rushed over and offered a deep curtsy
to my elegant-looking companion.

  For a second I thought Salihn was about to deny knowing the woman, when she said, “Amnestria, how pleasant to see you. How are my parents?”

  Amnestria rose from her curtsy but kept her eyes lowered in respect. She said, “They're at their wits’ end from worrying and looking for you. Pardon me, my lady, but you really should return.”

  The man with Amnestria said with a shocked expression, “Amnestria, are you saying that this is the daughter of the-”

  He stopped speaking and looked around at all the people listening to them. He then muttered to her, “Do you realize how much money the.... will give for her safe return?”

  Salihn said bitterly, “I’m sure my father wants his ever-so-precious daughter back all safe.”

  The elven man bowed and said, “It’s also a duty of an officer of the Realm to see that you are safe, my lady.”

  “I’m sure it is,” I said in a threatening voice. “I don’t know who you are, but nobody’s taking Salihn anywhere she doesn't want to go.”

  I notice that the bodyguards started to move into position now that they saw me as a threat.

  The man asked arrogantly, “Who are you, sir, to speak to me like that? Guards, arrest this man. He is holding the lady Salihn against her will.”

  A lot happened all at once. I jumped up, drawing my large battle axe. The couple and the rest of the patrons around us ducked for cover as the guards pointed their spears toward me. From behind me I heard Salihn shout, “Chrix, don’t kill anybody - they're only doing their duty!”

  Great, I thought, this has all the makings of another bloodbath. With me providing the blood, as usual.

  At her plea, I extinguished the fireball I was about to throw at the three guards. With a quick flash of movement, I dodged their spears and smashed the flat of my axe into the face of one. The man crumpled and fell to the ground, but one of the others had dropped his spear and pulled out a long, sharp dagger. I knew exactly how sharp it was as it entered my body easily, cutting into my gut. As he pulled it out, he twisted it to take half my insides with it. The guard smiled and moved back, watching my blood and some of my guts flow out of the fatal wound.

  Now that I was wounded the guards retreated so as not to endanger themselves, thinking that it was all over. I moved forward and broke the remaining spear of the third guard clean in two. As the wooden shaft fell to the floor, the other two guards looked at me in shock. I then saw their eyes flick to my side to see that it had already healed.

  They were not the only ones who could see it healing, as I heard many people around the restaurant exclaim, “Valkin!”

  The guards backed away from us, leaving Salihn and me alone on the balcony.

  The light-haired officer shouted, “There’s a massive ransom for both of them! I call to arms all the gentlemen here in the king’s service!”

  I don’t know which part of that little speech motivated all the men present, but most of them stood with large daggers in hand. I looked around, realizing that this would become a bloodbath if I continued and this time, it would not be my blood. Several elves were starting to cast spells at me, so I put up a shield which reminded me of a way out of there. Placing my axe back into my inventory, I turned around as the magical attacks deflected off my glowing blue shield. Taking a few steps to gather speed, I ran toward the surprised-looking Salihn and picked her up. Placing her over my shoulder, I jumped straight over the railing of the balcony.

  Here we go again, I thought as we plunged into the forest canopy.

  Conscious that my precious cargo was not immortal, I formed a shield around us to control our descent into the depths. After a few minutes of controlled falling, we were skimming across the muddy surface of the forest.

  There was silence from the woman over my shoulder, so I said, “I can place you down now if you like.”

  “Thanks, that would be much appreciated,” she said.

  I carefully moved her to the surface of the shield that I was controlling as we made our way back to her hideout. She still looked good in the new dress, but wore an irritable look on her face.

  “Are you annoyed with me?” I asked.

  She gave me a thin smile and said, “No, of course not. You did what I asked - nobody was killed. I’m angry at my father for making my life miserable. If he was not such a stubborn... this would not all be happening. Why can’t he leave me in peace?”

  The rest of the journey home was spent in silence as we sat on the glowing shield, holding hands.

  Chapter Eight A Message of Peace

  When I came out of my room early the next morning rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I found Salihn with her long legs curled up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. When she looked at me, her eyes were red as if she had been crying for a long time. She nodded her head at me and tried to smile, but it was a weak attempt.

  She spoke first. “I’ve been awake thinking for most of the night. After our oh-so-dramatic escape yesterday, I’m wondering if my mother may think that I’m dead.”

  I sat next to her. “What do you want to do about it?”

  “I’ll send her a note saying that I’m OK and not to worry.” As if saying this had galvanized her decision-making process, she jumped up.

  For a few minutes she rooted through the bureau for two large rolls of parchment. With a happier tone than she’d had just a few minutes earlier, she asked, “Would you please help me out with the spell for this communication scroll?”

  “Sure. You’ll have to tell me what to do, though,” I said.

  I spent the rest of the day learning a spell based on natural magic that would link the two scrolls for communication purposes. At the end of the day, I watched as she wrote a letter to her mother, explaining that she was well and enjoying herself. It was a short note on a very long scroll that she hoped would fill up with correspondence with her mother.

  On the other scroll, a copy of what she wrote appeared. She had told me that it didn’t matter what distance was between them, as the writing would always appear on both scrolls.

  Looking at the scrolls with a satisfied smile, she said to me gratefully, “Time now for a trip to the nearest courier to get one of these sent to my mother. Will you help me get my armor on?”

  Salihn wanted to deliver the scroll to somewhere far from her hideout, so it was a long trip in the darkness of the forest’s underbelly. Trying to follow the eager Salihn was hard work for me, but I was getting better with practice at moving through the forest.

  A few times when she wasn’t looking, I cheated and used the shield spell to make the going easier.

  It still took a few hours for us to reach the distant top of the forest. It was nighttime when we arrived, as the sun had set over the distant horizon. Salihn was bubbling with excitement when we entered a village that was out of the way of any of the major trade routes. I guessed that the only redeeming feature of the small, unremarkable village was that it had a courier service outpost that was sufficient for our needs.

  We entered through the gateway, the guards looking at us with bored expressions.

  Salihn said to me quietly, “When I hand the scroll over, we’ll need to run - and run fast. Just follow my lead very closely.”

  I nodded, feeling the excitement of another potential escape coming up. Life around this woman sure was fun. Making our way through the village, we soon arrived at a small building at the far edge with a flapping wooden sign indicating it was the courier office. Like everything in the elven kingdom, even this simple sign was a work of art. There was a light on and I could see a man behind a small counter inside, sorting through some scrolls.

  When we entered, his tired smile indicated that for him it had been a long day. “How may I help you?” he asked politely.

  Salihn stepped forward with a smile and said, “I need to send this scroll to the capital, please.”

  She placed the wrapped scroll on the table in front of him. He smiled and took out a balance.
He weighed the scroll carefully with some small weights, and after some thought and consulting some tables, he gave a price for the delivery which I insisted on paying.

  With the scroll in hand, the man looked at it for a few seconds and said, “Oh dear. For this to reach its destination, it will need a royal seal on it! I’m afraid that without one-”

  “That's OK,” said Salihn.

  She pulled out a ring with a large, flat signet on one side. With a quickly spell that seemed familiar to her, she pressed the signet against the scroll, which flashed with energy. The postmaster’s face was full of shock as he looked at us.

  Before he could say anything, Salihn shouted with a laugh, “Run - now!”

  In a flash, she was opening the door and running toward the edge of the forest. I followed, and all I could tell was that she was running straight for the edge. With no hesitation at all, she dived off into the darkness of the night.

  “Bloody hell,” I said, and dived after her.

  With a flash of blue magic, I cast the shield that I used to manipulate my movement and pushed downward to catch up with the crazy girl. I sighed in relief as I grabbed hold of her, and we continued to plunge into the darkness of the forest. Now that I had a hold of her, I could hear her laughing with joy as if this was hilarious.

  Holding her tightly, I said angrily, “You could have hurt yourself pulling that stunt.”

  Using the skill that I had learned from working with shield manipulation, I slowed down our descent. I heard her chuckle and say, “It’s nice to know you care.”

  --

  It had been a week since the escapade at the courier service outpost. During that time, with Salihn’s help I had finally started studying natural magic. As usual, she was a great tutor who was as interested as I was in the intricacies of magical practice and theory. She must have had some great tutors of her own as her knowledge on the subject matter was in-depth.

  It was late at night and we were studying a spell together. That night, I noticed that she had the messenger scroll open on the table. She wore a nervous expression on her face, and kept glancing at the scroll. She was a bit overdressed for studying, as she was wearing the dress she had bought with me. I wondered if wearing it gave her comfort. Of course, as normal I was still wearing the plain clothing that I had been given when entering the kingdom.