Adapt Or Be Crushed (The Exceptional S. Beaufont Book 9)

by Sarah Noffke

  “Well, not that I wouldn’t help you otherwise, but I’d like to return the momentous favor,” Mortimer stated.

  “As luck would have it, I need some information on a mortal and was hoping that you could help me,” Sophia began.

  Mortimer lowered his chin and gave her his full attention. “If there’s a mortal you need to find out there, then I’ll make it my top priority. Just give me a name and I’ll locate them.”

  Chapter Forty-Five

  “You want me to do what?” Evan slathered raspberry jam on a scone.

  “It’s no big deal,” Sophia said in a convincing tone, and gave Hiker a tentative expression. “I just need you to marry this mortal.”

  “Why me?” Evan narrowed his eyes, a skeptical expression on his face.

  “Because you’re an eligible bachelor, and who wouldn’t want to marry you, even if it’s for show?” Sophia argued.

  “Wilder could marry her,” he stated and pointed at the other dragonrider.

  “He can’t,” Sophia said at once.

  “Because?” Evan challenged.

  “Because I’d kill him,” Sophia replied matter-of-factly.

  “It’s for show though,” Evan countered.

  “It’s still marriage.” Sophia was aware that Wilder was smirking at her, seeming to enjoy this.

  “And Wilder has a mission,” Hiker stated with confidence as Trin brought out a platter of sausage.

  “And Mahkah?” Evan questioned.

  “You’re given the easiest, best mission possible, and you’re objecting,” Mama Jamba stated.

  “Mahkah needs to help with the dragons,” Hiker imparted.

  “Fine,” Evan said with a dramatic sigh. “I’ll marry this mortal, but only if I can seal the deal, if you know what I mean.”

  Trin dropped the platter in front of Evan, which made grease splatter on his front.

  “Hey!” he complained, then pushed back from the table and ran a napkin over his shirt. “Watch it!”

  “Oops,” The cyborg trotted back toward the kitchen, but didn’t look at all apologetic.

  “What’s her problem?” Evan sounded offended.

  “She’s still adjusting,” Hiker said.

  Sophia eyed the kitchen where Trin had disappeared and wasn’t so convinced she’d dropped the breakfast meat because she was still adjusting to things at the Castle.

  “And there will be no sealing any deals,” Hiker went on. “You’re to marry this mortal, get her into Roya Lane, and do whatever Sophia needs you to in order to secure this weapon or weapons or whatever we need to fight this unknown danger.”

  Sophia had explained to Hiker about the armor from Jeremy Bearimy and the weapon that Subner might be able to help with if he was fixed. Hiker wasn’t as worried as she would have thought. He said that getting armor for the riders and dragons from the esteemed seamster was probably overdue.

  The mysterious villain or villains also didn’t seem to bother him much. Hiker appeared very preoccupied, like there were bigger worries for him in the world than having to face something where they needed special armor and weapons from none other than Subner—the weapons expert.

  “Then what?” Evan asked. “I divorce this woman? Leave her heartbroken and longing for what she can’t have?”

  “Or relieved,” Wilder offered with a laugh.

  Evan huffed. “Not to mention that you’re sullying my reputation, Pink Princess. What do I say when some dame asks me if I’ve ever been married? I’ll have to say yes and they’ll think my goods aren’t any good anymore.”

  “That’s not why they’ll think that,” Wilder teased.

  Trin had returned with a bowl of fruit. She narrowed her eyes at Evan. “There’s nothing wrong with being divorced.” There was an edge to the cyborg’s voice. This was personal for her.

  “Of course there isn’t, dear,” Mama Jamba stated with confidence.

  “Fine, since I’m the only bachelor here who can entice a stranger to marry me, I’ll do it.” Evan stretched his arms over his head as he leaned back in his chair.

  Trin strode for the kitchen. Her foot kicked out the back legs and made Evan tumble over backward—a trick the gang took turns playing on him. He tumbled to the floor with a yell.

  “Oops,” Trin said again and disappeared into the kitchen, again not sounding at all apologetic.

  NO10JO yelped from the entryway, concerned about Evan after his fall.

  “I’m all right, boy.” He pushed up and wiped the dust off his pants. “It appears someone is very klutzy today.” He narrowed his eyes at the kitchen where Trin was making lots of racket.

  “Do you have the location for this mortal?” Hiker asked.

  Sophia dared to pull out her phone at the table, since it was for work and Hiker had asked. She noticed then that the message from Mortimer had just come through.

  She smiled victoriously. “Yep, I’ve got a location.” She gave Evan a playful look. “Ready for a Las Vegas wedding?”

  “You know it,” he answered. “The less classy, the better!”

  Chapter Forty-Six

  “Is it me, or did Mama Jamba forget to turn the heat off in Baton Rouge?” Evan asked after the pair stepped through the portal.

  “I think the thermostat in the south is permanently broken,” Sophia replied. “If it makes you feel any better, the sweltering heat gives you a nice glazed donut look.”

  “Yes, what every man wants to look like on his wedding day—a fried pastry that makes you fat,” Evan grumbled.

  “Well, not you or me since we’re magicians, but your bride is a mortal,” Sophia teased.

  “Oh, to not be able to eat your weight in fried foods and not a gain an ounce,” Evan said in mock sadness. “The woes of the mortals.”

  Sophia nodded and looked down the busy street in downtown Baton Rouge—the capital of Louisiana. To say that the two dragonriders looked out of place with all the mortals striding by in business suits was a gigantic understatement.

  The long black cloak that Sophia wore did little to hide the fact that she was wearing light armor, knee-high boots and a sword. Evan was less conspicuous in his usual getup of a gray armored top and matching leather pants—his trusty axe strapped to his back.

  After receiving a series of curious and cautious expressions, Sophia considered glamouring their appearances. However, Hiker hadn’t encouraged this approach, wanting the Dragon Elite to be visible when out in public. It was just that mortals weren’t used to seeing dragonriders carrying ancient weapons in city centers yet. It all made Sophia feel like she’d stepped out of a time machine and she was the medieval warrior bumbling around in the modern world.

  “Do you get the impression that you’ve got spinach in your teeth or a booger hanging out of your nose?” Evan asked in a low voice at Sophia’s shoulder.

  She laughed. “Maybe you do. I feel more like an actor from a Renaissance fair that’s lost their way.”

  “Are Renaissance fairs a thing?” Evan asked, surprised.

  She nodded. “Yeah, people dress up and eat turkey legs and watch men joust.”

  “Just shows the past always seems more appealing than it really was,” Evan related.

  Sophia laughed. “You’re not old enough to remember the Renaissance era.”

  He pressed his hand to his chest. “I, Pink Princess, am timeless. But no, I’m still a youngun’. Hiker would be close to that time period, but still a wee lad then. Quiet would have had a good romp during the Renaissance though. Your friend Rudolf, too.”

  Sophia nodded. “Yeah, I’ve got some old friends, it seems. I guess it will come in handy if I need to do a history project for college or something.”

  Evan shook his head. “Your mom goes to college.”

  “Shush it,” she warned and tried to get her bearings. “Dr. Freud’s office is that way.”

  “I hope she’s pretty.” Evan strode after her. “I don’t want to marry no Miranda.”

  “Her name is Tiffanne
e,” Sophia stated. “With two fs, two ns and two es.”

  “She sounds high maintenance as f—”

  “Watch your mouth,” Sophia interrupted.

  “As fancy tea with the queen,” Evan corrected. “Gosh, what did you think I was going to say?”

  “Your references are weird,” Sophia offered.

  “You’re weird,” he countered. “And for your information, a Miranda isn’t real easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean.”

  “I think I do,” Sophia stated. “You’ve been chatting with Lee from the Crying Cat Bakery, haven’t you? She doesn’t like Mirandas either.”

  “It’s not an us thing,” Evan stated. “It’s a them thing. We can’t help it if we just collectively noticed that they are all a bunch of—”

  “I think we need to go up there.” Sophia pointed to the lobby of a skyscraper.

  “All right, but how do I look?” Evan tilted his head and gave her a very debonair expression.

  “I only mildly want to throw up.”

  He nodded proudly. “That will do.”

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  The air conditioning in the building with shiny marble floors and banks of polished windows was a welcome relief.

  Evan mopped his forehead when they were in the elevator, and flicked the sweat on the floor.

  “Classy,” Sophia muttered as the elevator traveled up to one of the top floors. It was taking its time and the mortals that were crammed in next to them didn’t at all appear relaxed about having to share the space with them.

  “Well, someone didn’t tell me about the weather in this place on the other side of hell, and I didn’t dress appropriately,” Evan quipped, which earned a rude stare from a woman with a pinched expression and who wore too much red lipstick. He pretended to smile at her. “I meant other side of paradise. Do you know a good real estate agent? I’m thinking of getting a summer place here. I’m really into the, ‘feels like I’m wearing a wet, hot blanket’ climate.”

  “Please ignore him,” Sophia stated. “I’m taking him to see a psychiatrist right now because you know…”

  The woman nodded curtly because obviously she did know.

  Evan rolled his eyes and looked around at the mortals wearing starched dark suits and carrying briefcases. After a short stop at the tenth floor, he cleared his throat. “Well, thank you all for joining me here today. I’ve got some exciting news—”

  Sophia slapped him across the chest and interrupted him. All eyes whipped around to look at them. “Would you shush it? I get that you’re starved for attention, but now isn’t the time.” She smiled politely at the many curious stares. “Sorry, he’s off his meds.”

  Many of the mortals glanced at the axe on Evan’s back, and horrified expressions sprang to their eyes.

  “He’s still totally safe though,” Sophia said in a rush, realizing her mistake.

  “Depends on who you are,” Evan amended. “I messed up a gang of deranged gargoyles the other day. They wouldn’t allow me access to this building, so their heads had to go.”

  Sophia leaned in close to Evan and whispered, “I’m trying to make the mortals feel safer in our presence, not like running wildly from the elevator.”

  Evan scoffed. “You all know the Dragon Elite is the bees knees and you can rely on us to keep you safe and the globe spinning on its axis, right?”

  “What they can’t rely on is for you to make a reference from this century,” Sophia joked.

  When the elevator opened on the next floor, whether it was all the mortals’ destination or not, they rushed off, pushing each other to get out of the compartment and away from the dragonriders.

  The doors bounced shut and Evan smiled. “Well, that went nicely.”

  “Never go into the hospitality industry,” Sophia warned.

  “Right, because if this dragonrider thing didn’t pan out, my goal was to become a concierge at some posh hotel,” Evan joked.

  “With you, I never know,” Sophia stated, as the elevator stopped on their floor.

  It was time to demand a mortal marry Evan and fix the Protector of Weapons so that they could enhance their chances of defeating an unknown danger.

  I freaking love my job, Sophia thought. Never a dull moment.

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  In the waiting room to Dr. Tiffannee Freud’s psychiatrist’s office, there were many strange characters who sought to make Sophia and Evan look normal.

  Sitting on the floor and counting the pages of a magazine as she flipped them was a woman with carroty orange hair and a face full of freckles. She was probably in her forties, but had the demeanor of a child.

  In the corner was an older man with a comb-over who was mumbling to himself and playing with a red stapler.

  And sitting next to the only two open seats was a mostly normal looking woman wearing a pencil skirt and a smart blazer.

  Sophia pointed to one of the open seats. “Sit. I’ll be right back.”

  Evan scoffed, but took the seat dutifully anyway. “So demanding. How does Wilder put up with you?”

  “With a smile,” she retorted as she strode up to the receptionist. Sophia didn’t want to spell the woman into letting them in to see the doctor, but she might have to. What she apparently couldn’t do was spell Dr. Freud into marrying Evan because then it wouldn’t be official and she couldn’t enter Roya Lane. So many obstacles, it seemed.

  “So you come here often?” Sophia heard Evan ask the only normal-appearing person in the waiting room.

  She made a note that she should have told him not to talk to strangers, but that probably would have just made things worse.

  Clearing her throat, Sophia offered the receptionist a polite smile. “Hi there. We need to see Dr. Freud. It’s important and—”

  “You don’t have an appointment,” the woman interrupted.

  “That’s right, but we’re—”

  “Without an appointment, I can’t help you.”

  Sophia kept the pleasant smile on her face. “Right. I understand. But you see, we’re with the Dragon Elite and—”

  The woman gave Sophia a sympathetic expression as she nodded. “Of course you are. And a fine dragonrider you are, but without an appointment, I can’t help you.”

  Sophia had to walk into a room full of crazies and state she was a dragonrider to the one person who was probably told all sorts of strange things all day. The receptionist didn’t believe her.

  She sighed and discreetly twirled her finger while silently creating a spell on the woman. A moment later, the receptionist robotically picked up the telephone. “I’ll clear Dr. Freud’s schedule. She’ll be out to see you in a minute. Please have a seat and wait.”

  Sophia nodded and strode back over to where Evan was chatting with the woman in the blazer. When she sat, he slid low in his seat. “This lady scares me.”

  Sophia leaned forward and looked the seemingly normal person over. “Hey,” she said, when the woman noticed her.

  “Hay is for horses,” the woman grumbled as she moved back and forth, her brow pinched. “You a horse? If so, that would also make you an alien. You know that your kind are from the planet Ronin, right?”

  “I didn’t.” Sophia tried to keep the surprise out of her expression.

  “See what I mean,” Evan whispered.

  “This is how everyone always feels when around you,” Sophia stated.

  “If you need a ride home, I’ll give you a lift on my spaceship,” the woman went on to say, butting into their conversation. “We’ll have to stop at one of the space stations to refill, but it only takes a few hundred light years and we’re eternal beings.”

  “Thanks for the offer,” Sophia said carefully.

  “You’re welcome,” the woman chirped. “Bring gas money. I’m almost out of plutonium and spaceships don’t fly themselves.” She laughed abruptly. “Well, not yet they don’t. Give it a few centuries.”

  The door to the office opened and a woman with long brown h
air and a confused expression poked her head through. “I’m ready to see Sophia and Evan now.”

  Evan bolted upright and hurried away from the crazy woman. Sophia rose, waved to her, and felt sorry that she was so out of it. Or maybe she wasn’t and they were the crazy ones who didn’t know the truth about alien horses and spaceship travel. Anything was possible in her world.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” Dr. Tiffannee Freud said to them when they filed through the door into her office. She stood inside a large warm study, her hands on her hips and an angry expression on her face. To Sophia’s surprise, she was quite young, around her mid-thirties.

  “Oh good, she’s not a dog,” Evan said with relief.

  This did little to improve the angry expression on Dr. Freud’s face. “I had a fully booked schedule of clients. Then suddenly, Miranda tells me that all my appointments have been cleared and I’m to see you two. What’s that about?”

  Evan laughed. “She totally looked like a Miranda.”

  Sophia snapped her fingers in front of his face. “Focus, would you?”

  He shook his head like a dog after a bath. “I’m trying, but wedding day jitters.”

  Dr. Freud narrowed her eyes. “You two are getting married today? Is that why you’re here? You’re magicians, aren’t you, and you spelled Miranda?”

  “No. To rock your world and yes,” Evan replied to all her questions. “But I’m not sure there’s a spell to fix Miranda. She could try a hat maybe. Something with a veil, possibly…”

  Sophia almost slapped her friend. “I’m sorry, but we need your help so I had to spell your receptionist into allowing you to see us.”

  Softening, but barely, Dr. Freud looked them over. “You’re one of those dragon people, aren’t you?”

  “Dragon Elite,” Sophia corrected.

  Evan shuddered. “Dragon people makes us sound weird.”