“I am.” He took one step away and parted with, “This isn’t over though, Lola. I’ll be watching.”
I heard his promise loud and clear, but I didn’t allow my body to crumble in front of him. I kept my back straight and my attention on him, right until the door clicked closed behind him. Only then did I allow myself to fall to pieces.
Chapter Ten
BRODY
I threw my keys on the table next to the front door and huffed out a tired breath. Being able to come home every day after work was something I was starting to dread. It wasn’t because I was so used to being away on a case, but more because I didn’t feel like I was coming home.
Moira was barely here, and when she was, she wasn’t actually present. I was starting to wonder what it was like when I wasn’t here. Was she the same as this? Had Cade been left alone most of the time? Or was it because it was summer?
I had way too much going on at work, with Ford undercover and a new case I was consulting on, to have to worry about what was greeting me at home. I should have realized not wanting to come home was yet another sign, but I was determined to do everything I could to make it work.
“Cade? Moira?” I called as I walked down the hallway.
“In here!” Moira shouted back.
I headed toward her voice, and my eyes widened. She and Cade sat at the table, a home-cooked meal filling half of it.
“What’s this?” I asked, pulling out the chair where the last place was set.
“I thought we could have a proper family meal,” Moira answered, a smile on her face. “We haven’t done that since you’ve been back, and it’s been nearly three weeks.”
She was right. Anytime the three of us were together, it seemed to end in an argument, mostly from Moira with resentment for me being away all the time. But then, I wasn’t sure whether it was that or because I was back and hadn’t gone out on another case since.
“This looks good,” I said, my stomach grumbling at the smell of the lasagna, though I doubted it had any real meat in it. We all helped ourselves to food, piling our plates high and digging in.
“So…” Moira picked up her glass of red wine and took a sip. “How’s work going?”
“Good as can be,” I grunted out, putting another forkful of food into my mouth. It may not have been meat, but it tasted pretty close. It wasn’t too bad, actually.
“What about the case you were working? Is that over now?”
I frowned over at her. “You know I can’t discuss cases.” We’d been through this years ago when she’d asked, and not once since I’d explained it to her had she wanted to know.
She waved her hand in the air and chuckled. “Oh, I know. I just figured because this one was so close to home”—she tilted her head—“it was in Cresthill, right?”
“I...yeah.” I blinked, wondering what she was getting at.
“Hmmm.” She picked her glass up again and took another sip, leaving me sitting there wondering what “hmmm” meant. Was she trying to get at something? I never brought my cases home. I never talked to her about any of them, so why was she so interested now? I may have mentioned in passing that this case was in Cresthill, but for her to specifically ask about it raised my suspicions.
“How was work, Cade?” she asked, cutting a small piece of lasagna on her plate.
I couldn’t stop staring at her, and when Cade started to talk about lacrosse practice and his shift at the diner, I didn’t take anything in. I knew Moira better than anyone—at one stage I had anyway—and she was doing what had always worked for her before. She’d drop a little information, just enough to leave you wondering, and then you’d call her out on it. It was a tactic she used instead of outright saying what was on her mind.
She knew I didn’t beat around the bush, and it had worked on me so many times over the years, but this time, I was keeping my mouth closed. If I started talking about Cresthill, it would lead to Lola, and that was the last thing I needed to talk to Moira about.
“One of the cooks said that she’s always showing up with black eyes and bruises.”
My ears perked up at Cade’s words.
“That’s what happens to girls who are from Cresthill.” Moira shook her head. “Had I known that was where she was from, I’d have never allowed her to tutor you.”
“What?” Cade scrunched his nose up. “What are you talking about? If it weren’t for Lola, I’d have failed out of math and probably English too.”
Moira shrugged, but her gaze flitted over to me, and it hit me light a truck. She knew. She goddamn knew. All the pieces were falling into place, clicking and locking, until I had the whole picture in front of me, as plain as day.
“How do you know she’s from Cresthill?” I asked, trying to keep my voice smooth. If she picked up on the slight tremble, she’d hone in on it.
“She told me a couple of days ago when I gave her a ride home.” She took another sip of her wine and raised a brow. “Did you meet her when you were on the case?”
“I…” I had no idea what to say. I could sit here and deny it, pretend like nothing had happened, but that wasn’t fair to Lola. Something had happened. Something I’d had no control over. Something that was tearing me apart. And not because I’d lied and cheated, but because I couldn’t see her, touch her, witness that laugh that always had a grin forming on my face.
I missed her. Goddammit. I missed her.
“Lola said that she fell over and hit her face on a door, but there was no way that would cause her to have a black eye.”
My muscles tensed, my nostrils flaring, and I slowly turned to face Cade. “What did you say?” I ground out. He frowned at my tone, but I didn’t care, because he was talking in broken sentences, and I was just now starting to understand what he was saying.
“Lola came to work with a black eye.” He frowned and stabbed some food on his fork. “She said she fell over but—”
“Motherfucker!” I stood, my chair sliding back on the floor as I pulled my cell out. I scrolled to my contacts, clicking on her name, and pressing call.
“Brody?” Moira stood, her eyes wide. “Don’t.”
I stayed silent, not willing to answer her as the call rang out, and she didn’t pick up. Shit! It had to be Hut. He’d found her, and she hadn’t come to me. She hadn’t called to tell me. She hadn’t leaned on me. I thought she would. I thought she knew she could rely on me, but had I really given her that impression? I’d told her she wasn’t enough. I’d lied right to her face, and now she was in danger again, and it was all because of me.
“I gotta go.” I took a step away from the table.
“Don’t you dare,” Moira warned, her voice like a shot of ice to my back. “Don’t you dare walk away from this family dinner to go to her.”
I turned around, my chest heaving. I needed to go to her. I needed to see she was okay. Just this once. I’d give myself this one time, and then I could put it all behind me. Right?
“I have to,” I told her, the truth spilling from my lips without a second thought. She knew what was happening, she’d pieced her own story together in her mind, only it wasn’t a story. It was the truth.
“No, you don’t.” She stepped forward and gripped my biceps, her long nails digging into the material of my shirt and making me wince. “Please don’t do this, Brody,” she whispered. “I know what you did. I can see it written all over your face.”
“Moira…” I huffed out a breath and swiped my hand through my hair. “I...I’m sorry.”
“No.” She shook her head. “Sit back down, we’ll finish this meal, and then we can talk it out.” Her gaze batted between my eyes. “We can work it out. We can put it behind us. You were on a case and missed me. That was all it was. We can move past this.”
I blinked down at her, wondering if she really thought that. If she really thought I’d touch someone else because I missed her. It was so far from the truth. I hadn’t really thought of her at all, not when it came to Lola. Lola made me forge
t who I was. Who I was meant to be. She made me feel like the best version of me. She made me smile uncontrollably. She made me laugh. But most of all, she made me feel like me.
I stepped back, letting Moira’s hands slide from my arms and severing the connection. Her eyes told me if I walked out that door after she’d begged me to stay, that would be the end. She didn’t have to physically say the words, but I knew it was coming.
I think I’d known all along.
I’d tried. I’d tried the hardest I could. But love had no bounds. When fate stepped in and veered you off the path you were on, you had no control over what would happen. And right then, I had no control over the way Lola consumed me. The way my body burned with the need to get to her because she might be hurt. It wasn’t about protecting her. It wasn’t about choosing between my wife and the woman I loved. It was never a choice, and I realized that now as I looked at Moira.
We’d had a loving life together at one stage, but it had never been the way it was when I was with Lola. I’d never craved to see her, never felt like I couldn't go one more day if I didn’t hear her voice.
I took one last glance at Moira and spun around with my shoulders feeling lighter than they had in years.
* * *
LOLA
I rifled through the cupboard, searching for the meds I had in here somewhere. The heartburn was taking over my life, and I was sure it would kill me within the next hour if I didn’t take something to get rid of it.
My hand connected to the packet and I pulled, only to find them all gone. Dammit. Now I’d have to go outside and get some. It wasn’t a choice, because I couldn’t live the next fifteen minutes like this, never mind the whole night.
I pulled on a hoodie over my sleep tank and leggings, slipped my feet into my slides, and grabbed my wallet on the way out the door. Within ten minutes, I was exiting the store, taking the meds, and sighing in relief as it worked right away. I seriously needed to stock up on this stuff.
The elevator was finally working again, so I forwent the stairs for a ride up to my floor, and clasped on to my bottle like it was my life saver—it practically was at this point.
My keys jangled as I stepped off the elevator and started walking toward my apartment door. I looked up when I was ten feet away and halted, the keys slipping from my hand.
“Brody?”
He leaned against the wall opposite my apartment, and I tracked my gaze over his crossed ankles, up his slacks, and over his shirt tucked into them. His badge and gun sat proudly there, and for some reason, that made my breath catch. He was mesmerizing to look at, and I couldn’t stop staring. I finally made it to his face and his dark eyes that were zoned in on me.
I shook my head and dipped down. He wasn’t mine to think of like that, not anymore—he never really had been. I picked my keys up and gritted my teeth. Why was he here? What did he want this time?
“Lola—”
“What are you doing here?” I asked, moving toward my door. My shaky hands were betraying me, but I pulled my shoulders back and tried to give him my firm voice.
“We need to talk.”
I raised a brow and opened my door, stepping inside and looking back at him as he pushed off the wall. That one move shouldn’t have captured my attention the way that it had. “No, we don’t.”
His hand curled around the edge of my door, stopping me from closing it. My gaze moved from his hand to his face, and I blinked several times. The grinning face I’d been so used to wasn’t there, but neither was the firm lock of his jaw he’d worn since I’d found out who he was.
“Please. Give me fifteen minutes, and if you want me to leave, I will.”
I wanted to scream no. I wanted to tell him to go home—to his wife. But I did neither of those things, and instead, I stepped back so he could come inside.
“You say what you have to say, and then you can leave,” I told him, walking toward my small kitchen and placing my meds on the counter. I didn’t want to listen to what he had to say. I wanted to stay in this gray area I’d created where I didn’t quite hate him, but still kind of loved him.
Who was I fooling? Not myself. I loved him more than I’d ever loved anyone else, but he’d destroyed that with three words. You’re not enough.
I gritted my teeth at the memory and turned around to face him. He stood in the middle of the kitchen, facing me, his gaze flitting all over my body and stopping on my eye.
“I guess I should start at the beginning?”
“That’d be as good a place as any,” I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.
He pointed at one of the chairs in question, and I clipped my head in a nod. This was what I’d wanted from that first day, and it had taken nearly a month for him to finally come and tell me. So why did I all of a sudden not want to hear his explanation?
“I was undercover—”
I scoffed. “Yeah, I got that much.”
“To take Hut down.” He raised a brow. “The plan was to infiltrate him and turn you.” I opened my mouth, but he cut me off before I could say anything. “That plan went to shit the moment I met you. I knew I wouldn’t be able to put you in that kind of danger, but I told myself I needed to get closer to you so I could justify my decision.”
My nails bit into the soft flesh of my palms. “So I was a job to you?”
“No, let me finish, kid.” His chest moved on a deep inhale. “I fuckin' fell for you. I fell for you hook, line, and sinker, and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to stop it, I tried to step back, but...I couldn’t. And then I was in deeper than I expected, and it wasn’t about just taking Hut down anymore, it was about protecting you.”
“Well, you kinda did a shit job considering you couldn’t protect me and Hut is back out on the streets.”
“He do that?” he asked, pointing at my face and the bruise around my eye.
I shrugged, feeling the fight bubbling up inside me. “So what if he did? It’s not your business now, is it?”
“I want it to be my business,” he ground out and stood.
I didn’t want him to stand. It was much easier to put my front on when he was sitting, and I had the higher advantage.
“You don’t get to choose that.” I gripped on to the edge of the counter. “From the moment I found out who you were, you’ve been a different person.”
“I…” He scrubbed his palm over his face. “You’re right, I have. I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying to put what we had behind me and concentrate on my wife and son. But…”
The air seemed locked in my lungs as he trailed off. Nothing good came after but. But you’re not enough.
“I should have explained it, I should have told you I was trying to do what was best—”
“For who? You?” I chuckled, the sound so far from humorous it wasn’t even funny. “Because it certainly wasn’t for me. You split, Brody. When it became a little tough, you took off, back to the family you’d built.” I pushed off the counter, feeling the fire burning in my veins. “Did you wonder how I felt after it all? Did you wonder what I was feeling?”
“Fuck,” he spat out. “Dammit, Lola.” He lunged forward, gripped the sides of my face, and leaned his forehead against mine. “How do I make you understand that from the moment my eyes met yours, you were the only thing that mattered?”
“You can’t,” I croaked out, “because it’d be a lie.” I was losing steam, tiredness hitting my body at full force.
“It’s not.” He shook his head and pulled back a fraction. “The only lie is the one I’ve been telling myself.”
My hands twitched at my sides, begging me to touch him, to grip on to his arms and not let go, but I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let myself go there just because he’d turned up once. “Which lie is that then?” I asked, cursing myself. I should have left it alone.
“The one where I said you weren’t enough.”
I flinched, knocking my hip against the counter, but the pain didn’t register, only hi
s words.
“You are enough, Lola. You’re more than enough. You’re everything.”
“No.” I shook my head and pulled away, trying to put as much distance between us as I could. “You don’t get to do this.” My hands clenched at my sides, and I continued to back away until I was in my living room, and he was still in the kitchen. “You don’t get to come here now and decide that you want me. You don’t get to make the decisions, Brody.”
“I’m leaving Moira,” he blurted out. “Well, technically, I guess I already have.”
“And you thought I’d just be here waiting for you? That I was sitting here all this time while you figured out what you wanted, and then when you came back I’d come running into your arms?” My face heated, the anger burning through me.
“I—”
“You don’t get to say what happens here, Brody. You left me!” I threw my arms up in the air. “You left me in that house for a week after what he did knowing you could have taken me if you wanted to. You left me when I found out the truth. All you do is leave!” I dragged in a breath, not quite able to catch it, and lowered my voice. “All you do is leave.”
“I promise, Lola”—he stepped toward me, but I backed away—“I won’t ever do it again. I’ll be there, every step of the way.” He blinked, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “If you’ll have me.”
If you’ll have me.
It was never a question of if I wanted him because I did. I knew that without a doubt, but I couldn't let him get away with what had happened. I couldn't let him walk back into my life right now and pretend nothing happened, especially with a baby on the way.
I had to be strong, but most importantly, I had to be sure he really wanted to be with me, and not just because he and Moira had another argument.
“Actions speak louder than words,” I croaked out. “You show me that you want to be with me—only me—and then we can talk.” He opened his mouth, but I held up my hand to stop him. “We need time, Brody. You need time. I refuse to be the woman you bounce to if you leave your wife.”
Down Fall: Fallen Duet: Book Two Page 10