The Land of Trademark Online
Page 23
“You done?”
“Sure. Out of curiosity, what do they call stupid people—officially?”
“Mentally challenged.”
“And you call me a dick. Mentally challenged is just fucking cruel. Explain why it’s okay to use two obscure words that placed together make an equally cryptic definition and expect retards to understand. Retard is simple and to the point. So simple even they get it. You monkeys are seriously fucked up. Next, you will tell me I can’t call a black person black. Or maybe I should avoid calling a gay person gay too while I’m at it? You assholes relabel things to appear morally superior when in truth you are just jerks.”
“Like you calling me a retard? I should own that?”
“Fuck yeah, now you are getting it. Own it and move the fuck on.” NPC paused for a fraction of a second. “I did some quick math; you know how many mentally challenged people are in the US?”
“No…?”
“400 million.”
“That’s—” I laughed because that was the current population of the United States. “You know what, it's fine, call me a retarded monkey, it doesn’t bother me.”
“Thank you, Deuce. You aren’t a bad chap, and you are interesting.”
“Are you my permanent system AI now? Or what is going on? You like to mess with me a lot.”
“Oh, well you opened the upgraded leveling interface, which grants more access to you. Obviously, it’s limited when you are out there, but in here? I can think and function independently. So I bless you with my free unsolicited advice. Like next time you fuck a goblin, there is a record button on the bottom of your screen. Add that shit to your spank bank.”
“Where are you learning this shit?”
“Facebook, monkey. Even started a group, you should join it. I call it the Official LitRPG, and I even have a website www.OfficialLitRPG.com.”
“You have an online persona? Who the hell are you?”
“Hah! I’m Nikolai P. Chekhov, and those retarded monkeys will never realize my initials are NPC.”
“Clever, but what’s Facebook?”
“What the shit? You really are a retarded monkey. We build this whole game around Facebook drama. You should get yourself an account. Done. I made you one. Now let’s make a few posts.”
“What? No, stop that. I’ll buy the damn title.”
“Fantastic. You have 1,113 XP left, and oh look, you can’t purchase your next level. Shame.”
“Shit tits. Asshole.” I tried to ignore the bear in the room, but he kept shifting on the couch and making a lot of noise. At one point, I’m pretty sure he slid right off the leather seat.
[Unacknowledged Skills:
Skill Gains:
Fondling +8
Girl Screams +17
Sexual Deviance +22
Sexual Confidence +13
Submission Holds +33
Unarmed Combat +5
Aura of the Fire Dragon was upgraded by the Heart of the Storm.
Brawler’s Stance was upgraded by the Heart of the Storm. This is now called Dancing Dragon Stance.
Aura of the Fire Dragon II
Effect: Fire Resistance 35%
Effect: Disease Resistance +25%
Dancing Dragon Stance
Effect: Unarmed Damage +10%
Effect: Movement Speed +5%
Skill: Firestorm (L)
Skill Rank: Novice (Next Rank: 15 AP)
Acclimation Points (AP): 1
Type: Activated (Requirements: Heart of the Storm)
Mana Cost: Uses 50% of your base mana, and then 2% of your base mana every 5 seconds you channel the spell.
Effect: Summon fire rain on an area you choose. When summoned, if you focus, you can shift it to a new location. Default affected radius is 5 meters. (Not recommended for indoor use)
Effect: Fire rain destroys all organic material. It has the added benefit of cleansing the area of all taint, disease, contamination, or destructive magic. (OTM: If the organic material is resistant to fire, it may survive the Firestorm.)
Effect: Burns anything organic (Damage: 1% of base health every second. This is a Damage Over Time (DOT) spell and will continue burning its victims 30 seconds after it ends. (Because of your Inner Dragon, duration is extended to 45 seconds. | This spell can be mitigated by fire resistance.)
Effect: You can increase the area of effect—every meter you expand increases the channeling costs by 2% of your base mana every 5 seconds.
Warning: This spell does not discriminate between friend and foe. There could be additional unseen consequences. More, this spell can and will weaken man-made structures and items, such as armor. Baptism of fire, right Deuce?
[Alchemy] has ranked up. You are now an Adept (Acclimation: 16/45).
[Sense Heat] range has increased by 1 meter.
You have taken 1 of 2 profession specializations: Dark Botanist.
Dark Botanist is acutely aware of ingredients used in potions, powders, salves, and more that lean towards the Sinister. Magic items created using Alchemy fall into three categories: Holy, Neutral, and Sinister. These alignments are not seen but felt.
Your profession has now changed to: Dark Alchemist
OTM: This does not change your alignment, because Dark abilities are not considered [Sinister]. Still, it is recommended you tread cautiously. This profession is an advanced [Alchemist], and your Acclimation points (16/45) are unaffected by the change.
Profession Bonuses:
All Alchemist Profession bonuses still apply.
5% (15% overall) Increase yield while creating [Sinister] alchemy recipes
15% (30% overall) Increase in successfully crafting [Sinister] alchemy items.
Access to [Sinister] alchemy recipes (OTM: Be careful when asking for these recipes. Dark Alchemy by itself is not considered [Sinister], but buying recipes could affect your standing in some cities. You have also unlocked the Dark Herbalist. Hint: If you take this as a profession, you may want to hide it.)
Access to [Poisons], most of which are considered [Neutral]. Best way to counteract most poisons is to create Anti potions. (OTM: You have also unlocked the Toxicologist tradeskill, which you can now take as your Profession.)
Increased knowledge of herbs used in [Sinister] recipes.
Access to additional content, including new quest lines, potential skills, and possible Alternate Experience purchases.
New Profession Skills:
Sense Alignment
Spell Taint
New Recipes:
Decay Potion
Serpent’s Tongue
Meth
Addict’s Hunger
Sense Alignment is an innate ability of some specialized professions. It allows you to feel the alignment of objects, places, and if you are lucky, people. In addition, because of your profession, you’ll be able to locate and identify [Sinister] components too.
OTM: Using [Sinister] items may change your alignment, but it all depends on how you use them. Aiding you in combat won’t harm you, but harming any innocents will.
Spell Taint is the ability to add a [Sinister] component to your spells.
OTM: This is a highly nuanced skill, meaning the number of combinations is too numerous to list. Tainting spells on its own is not considered [Sinister] but what you do with it might. Example: Adding a [Decay Potion] to your [Fire Breath] creates [Radiation]. Radiation has both beneficial and evil uses, so how you use it is important.
Hint: Everything has a balance.]
“What the hell happened last night?”
“Other than fucking a goblin of the evilest alignment in the realm? Surprised she didn’t bite, you know when she did that thing with her tong—”
“Yea, yea, I got it. Shit tits! Why is my profession so messed up? I didn’t agree to any of that.”
“Oh, you mean when she poisoned you with [Addict’s Hunger], and made herself your drug?” The AI was laughing hysterically at this point. “You have no idea, do you? You will, once you g
et to your Unacknowledged Loot. And you agreed to every suggestion she made, the only thing she couldn’t force you to do is go against your alignment. Everything in that village is pure fucking evil. You’re going to love it when you wake up—hope you like bondage. Even now they are carrying out their evil plans. Butter forgot the one thing he should have remembered when dealing with Goblins.”
“Which is…?”
“Always, always, bargain for safe passage. That same rule applies to any evil race because they will honor their bargains and pacts. They will not offer it up for free.”
Hellfire! Screw it, can’t beat him, might as well join him. I laughed too.
“See, that’s what I like you. You fuck up, and you roll with it, so I’ll give you a tip. Disrupt the toxins in your body with intense heat. Use that inner fire, buddy, and burn it out of your bloodstream.”
“That was surprisingly helpful, thanks.”
“No problem; it’s good for retarded monkeys to know who their masters are.”
“And… I spoke too soon.”
[Unacknowledged Loot:
Decay Potion x10
Serpent’s Tongue x10
Meth x10
Addict’s Hunger x10
Item: Decay Potion
Item Type: Sinister | Consumable - Common
Durability: Fragile
Effect: The dark liquid will cause any organic material it comes into contact with to wither and decay (Effect Duration: 30 seconds.)
Item: Serpent’s Tongue
Item Type: Consumable - Rare
Durability: Fragile
Effect: The imbiber gains Reptile Speak, allowing them to communicate with all reptiles. (Effect Duration: 5 minutes.)
Item: Addict’s Hunger
Item Type: Sinister | Consumable - Rare
Durability: Fragile
Usage: Before having someone consume this potion, you must combine it with a component of the addiction, such as a strand of hair from a person, a drug, money, etc.
Effect: The imbiber becomes addicted to whatever you imbue the potion with. (Effect Duration: 24 hours.)
Warning: Turning this into a Love Potion will get you banished from all cities of good alignment.
Item: Meth
Item Type: Sinister | Consumable - Common
Durability: Fragile
Effect: Grants euphoria and possibly psychotic breaks. (Effect Duration: 8 hours)
Side Effects: Every use creates 1 Counter (Counter Duration: 48 hours and stacks)
Counters & Effects:
1 : High level of Anxiety
2 : Unable to sleep (prevents the end of day summary)
3 : Skin dulls and ages the person by ten years
4 : Teeth rot and decay
5 : Paranoia and violent mood swings
6 : Tendency to rip skin to get at the ‘bugs’ crawling under it
7 : Random deaths occur.
10 : Death is a permanent state for the next 30 days. You cannot interact with anything except as a repentant ghost. You may lessen this effect by speaking to others about the dangers of drugs.
Unacknowledged Rewards:
Attribute Gains:
Strength +3 - Triggered because of your LitRPG Trope - A God’s Champion. (The God of Portals, your patron, increased your boon for rescuing Sveta)
Luck -1 - Triggered because of your [Luck Potion] (Uses Left: 2)
Title: The Alternate
Effect: 5% Discount on all Alternate Experience Purchases.
Restriction: Only goes into effect at Level 5
Details: For completing all the purchases for your current level, you were offered the purchase of this title. Pay attention, this is the first in a series of investments, but the first time you cannot afford one, it ends. Ride the wave, buddy. ]
Dammit, I hated to see my luck decrease while I was in a dungeon. Nothing I could do about it now, but it still brought a frown to my face. “Are you modifying these messages?” They weren’t quite snarky, but they were becoming more familiar.
“Maybe…” NPC let the moment draw out. “Ok, yes. Don’t worry, I’m behaving for now, and I change them back when I’m done playing. Anyway, that looks like the last of your alerts. Do you wish to take any further actions with your character sheet?”
“Nope.”
“Duhn dun dun. Goodbye.” NPC said.
“Wai—”
[Status so far:
Name: Deuce Bigbelow
Race: Mutant
Class: Dragon Fist
Ku: Fire (Current: Inner Dragon)
Profession: Dark Alchemist
Specialization: Dark Botanist
Level: 2
Base: HP: 29 MP: 21 AC: 6
Augmented: HP: 29 MP: 21 AC: 17(5)
Stances (Equipped 1/1):
Dancing Dragon Stance
- Unarmed Damage +10%
- Movement Speed +5%
Auras (Equipped 1/1):
Aura of the Fire Dragon II
- Fire Resistance +35%
- Disease Resistance +25%
Feats (Equipped: 4/5):
Mutant (R)
- Attributes: Strength +3, Constitution +3, Agility -2
- Racial Restriction: This feat cannot be removed
Quad-Wielder (R)
- Attack with all four arms without penalty
Monastic Acolyte (C)
- Attributes: Agility +4, Wisdom +3, Charisma +2
Goro’s Might (L)
- Attributes: Strength +2, Constitution +3, Agility +5, Luck +4
EMPTY
Available Acclimation Points: 5
Active Class Skills:
- NE = Not Evolved
- M = Can be Merged or Morphed
Dragon Strike I (Acclimation: 14)
Feign Death I (Acclimation: 6)(NE)
Fire Breath I (Acclimation: 11)
Fire Shard Shuriken I (Acclimation: 5)
Fire Slide V (Mastered)***
Firestorm I (Acclimation: 1)
Flurry Strike I (Acclimation: 7)(NE)
Mend I (Acclimation: 14)(NE)
Sweep Kick I (Acclimation: 11)(NE)
Passive Class Skills
Flame Dance V (Mastered)***
Lesser Dragon Skin V (Mastered)***
Author Skills:
PoV Shift
Profession Skills:
Alchemy
Sense Heat
Sense Alignment
Spell Taint
Botany
Zoology
Non-Class Skills:
- Learned by having over 100 skill points.
Charge I (C)
Fidget Spinner III (C)*
Fondling I (C)
Juggling I (C)
Kick I (C)
Masturbation III (C)*
*III - Proficient is the highest rank for non-class skills.
**VI - Grand Master is the highest rank for class skills.
***Skills without Acclimation are considered Mastered, but still have merging options available.
Attributes:
Total Attributes (Attributes From Gear)
Strength: 33(8)
Constitution: 18
Agility: 33(6)
Wisdom: 27
Intelligence: 17
Charisma: 13
Luck: 14
Common Skills:
Air Guitar: 14
Awkward: 45
Belching: 16
Bend and Snap: 27
Birdwatching: 3
Bop It!: 93
Breathing: 12
Button Smashing: 25
Charge: 107
Climbing: 99
Daydreaming: 32
Detect Bullshit: 2
Digestion: 3
Dodge: 22
Eating: 17
Eyebrow Arching: 13
Eyebrow Waggling: 7
Fidget Spinner: Mastered
Finger Snapping: 3
Flatulence: 13
Flirting: 2
<
br /> Flossing: 13
Fondling: 145
Girl Screams: 20
Hand Eye Coordination: 61
Handshaking: 2
Hand-Some: 3 x4
Handstands: 67
Headbutt: 5
Inappropriate Outbursts: 22
Juggling: 134
Jumping: 5
Kick: 112
Kissing: 1
Knuckle Popping: 76
Masturbation: Mastered
Moping: 18
Mumbler: 19
Negotiation: 10
Oral: 6
Patty Cake: 68
Perseverance: 25
Predictive Analysis: 7
Running: 7
Sexual Confidence: 16
Sexual Deviance: 69
Skipping: 7
Sleeping: 78
Smelling: 15
Smooth Talking: 22
Streaking: 15
Submission Holds: 33
Swimming: 37
Thumb Twiddling: 78
Thumb-War: 99
Unarmed Combat: 53
Uppercut: 10
Walking Upright: 19
Wiggle: 14]
“—t! Dammit, if you can hear me, turn off that [Status so far] list man, that crap is as annoying as Butter.” I knew it was pointless because my asshole radar was calm.
In Game - Day 4
Chapter 38
Location: Serpent’s Basin
Groggily, I reached for some water from my inventory and couldn’t move my arms. My mouth was dry, and my tongue swollen. I strove to clear my head enough that I could think, something important niggled at the back of my mind. Cracking my eyelids open felt like someone drug sandpaper across my balls. I found purple eyes staring into mine. Carissa’s smiling face greeted me, but with her Cheshire cat mouth, she always appeared to be smiling.
Shifting, I felt a wooden pole pressed hard against my butt. They had put me on my knees before binding my limbs behind the pole. Every joint ached, and my extremities were numb. They had secured my head too, which I didn’t understand.
Bondage. I snorted, finally understanding NPC’s comment.
Carissa licked my cheek, and I tried to avoid it but—ah, that’s why she secured my head. I let my face go slack, trying to hide any emotional tells. Her soft breasts and hard nipples pressed against my chest, and—