The Land of Trademark Online

by Nikolai Chekhov

  Shit tits, not another fear boner. I knew she could feel it too, pressed against me as she was. Betrayed by my body.

  “You funny.” She said and ground her hips against me before pointing at my [Bag of Holding]. “Bag. I want.”

  “No.”

  “Yes, you give, and I give me.”

  “Deuce, you know you don’t have clothes on, right? We can see your umm arousal.” Butter said. He too was tied to a pole, like me, only his head was not secured.

  “Can’t help it. She drugged me. I’m addicted to her and refusing her makes me nauseous.”

  “[Addict’s Hunger], that’s not good,” Butter hissed.

  “Tell me about it,” I grumbled. “Oh, yeah, Butter. You let her tits distract you, and you forgot to negotiate for free passage.”

  “Heh, you smart. But slow. Bag. Now.” The Dark Herbalist’s voice struck like a whip, and I felt the urge to obey. It was my hard cock throbbing, wanting release that disturbed me the most. I wanted her to grab it and pleasure me so much that I’d have given her anything.

  No! The fire roiled inside me, fighting against whatever it was she put in my body. It burned fiercely, and the pangs of addiction died down. My eyes smoldered with rage, and smoke rose from my skin.

  “Stupid. Magic rope, no burn.” The goblin cackled, misunderstanding what I’d done. The tip of her finger tapped the top of my cock. “I be back. Potion weak, get more.”

  The goblin herbalist walked away, and I let out a sigh of relief. My allies could both see me, and I’ll be the first to admit it was awkward. “So… what’s up?”

  Amard choked back a laugh and tried to avoid looking at me. Eventually, I caught her eye. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

  “With me? Nothing, they didn’t harm us, just knocked us out. Woke up here, untouched. I was awake when they drug you out of the hut, and you—it looked like someone had practiced knife carving on you. I—I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

  “Amard, look at me,” I stopped her rambling, and she raised her downcast eyes. “I’m fine, I promise. If they tortured me, I wasn’t awake for it. You—”

  “I’m sorry, but is that thing ever going to go down.” Butter was staring at my cock, and Amard laughed.

  “I don’t know, but it hurts like hell.”

  “Man you are going to have blue balls from hell,” Amard joked.

  “What are blue balls?” Butter asked. I looked over at Amard before we both laughed.

  “I’ll tell you later. Hopefully, they hurry and toss us in the dungeon already.”

  Minutes felt like hours when bound without the ability to move. In the early morning sun, the others dozed.

  “Yeayea, boss. Gorn an’ got yeself captured,” a voice whispered from beside my head. No one saw the squirrel, but probably because he was using his [Mist] ability.

  “Earle?” I whispered.

  “Yeayea, muddafucha. Karma can be a real bitch. Trus’ me, ‘cause I met her. Fuched up sense o’ humor on dat one, ye might like ‘er.” The squirrel chittered in my ear, and I felt something cold and sharp press against my neck. “Ye know my boys ousted me as [Mafia Don], an’ took over da Mist Squirrel Mafia. Dey stripped me o’ my class. I’mma [Outcast] ‘cause o’ ye.”

  “Don’t lay that on me. You betrayed me, remember?” I said a little louder than intended. It was barely louder than a whisper, but it still caught Butter’s attention. He was staring at me with undisguised curiosity.

  “Yeayea, I remember. It’s the only thing stopping me from slitting yer throat.”

  “Free me, Earle.”

  The squirrel froze, and the knife came away from my throat. I waited for several long seconds before Earle moved again.

  “Yeayea, okay boss. Might take a sec, gorna have to untie the knots. Blade ain’t gorna cut it.” I felt Earle on my wrists, and the ropes came undone one by one, I stashed them in my bag because magical items like that were good to have. “Boss, did ye really fuch a goblin? I coulda hooked ye up if’n yer dat desperate.”

  “Shut it. Never happened.” I could hear the chittering of his laughter that little bastard would not let me live that down.

  “Go help the others. By the way where are all the other goblins?”

  “Heh, I’mma not gorna lie, dey might all be looking at ye. Yeayea, I’mma outta ‘ere. Good luck, dick!” Earle said getting ready to bolt, but not before I kicked him into the crowd of incoming goblins.

  Shit tits, asshole, spriggle slock, jerkface! My internal diatribe dissolved into gibberish.

  “Ye cunnnntttt!” He screamed as he flew. The goblins stopped and stared at the squirrel that materialized out thin air. While they were all distracted, I freed Amard and Butter.

  “Temple, go quick,” I told them, and we took off running, with a horde of goblins on our ass. A vial shattered behind us, and I was glad that bitch had little arms. Her throws were more likely to hurt her own goblins than us.

  “Deuce, no run. We play, yea?”

  “Fuck you, no play,” I growled because fuck was not a word I liked to use and because fuck her.

  “I’m not even going to ask.” Amard was panting. We all were. It was the drugs in our system; they sapped our strength. I touched her shoulder and used [Mend], which sent a shock through both of us. The change was instant, and her focus and breathing stabilized. “What the hell did you cast? That has a kick to it.”

  [Mend +1. You are now Adept at Mend. Upgrades take effect during a long rest.]

  “That’s my [Mend], but it has a long cooldown.” And awesome, it was about time I pushed a skill past the Novice stage. Wonder what kind of upgrades abilities gained.

  The temple had at least a thousand stairs leading upward. The two upsides were that the entrance into the temple was about halfway up the stairs, and the second was that the goblins couldn’t keep up and fell way behind. The downside was my knees wobbled in pain.

  Shit tits, I’m an idiot. I took out a [Healing Potion] and downed it. My body reacted before the liquid even made it to my mouth. My mind cleared, and the throbbing joints returned to normal.

  “By [Drama], please put clothes on,” Butter cried out behind me. “I am afraid to look up and see your balls flapping between your legs.”

  Amard barked out a laugh but did not stop running, and to be honest, being naked was growing on me. It was a little weird though, so I obliged by reequipping the clothes I must have stashed in my bag.

  We crossed into the temple, and a cold wind pushed against us as if it were trying to shove us back out. Turns out equipping my clothes one was a good idea because no one needed to see any man’s shrinkage.

  Interestingly, the temple used the same oil from the [Firestorm] to light its halls. Each fixture had a small pipe feeding it, and I wondered if that storm kept the oil reservoirs full.

  “Anyone hear that clicking sound?” I turned trying to locate the source.

  “It's yipping. Those are [Kobolds]. I expected them, but it is odd they live so close to goblins.”

  “Why?” Amard asked, but we did not dare stop moving forward. I doubted the goblins gave up their pursuit.

  “They abhor each other, and are mortal enemies, but the portal explains it.” Butter pointed standing in front of the shimmering portal. “This is probably your dungeon.”

  “No time to lose,” I stepped in.

  [You have entered the sub-dungeon Reptile’s Revenge

  You are the first to discover this Dungeon. All rewards are doubled for your group during the next 48 hours.

  Your Dungeoneer title has updated to Dungeoneer Adept. (You need to discover eight more dungeons to become a Dungeoneer Expert).

  * Update: You gain a 7% permanent boost to your luck roll while in dungeons

  * Update: You gain a 5% Experience boost inside dungeons you’ve discovered.

  If you are the first to clear this dungeon, there will be additional awards.

  Betrayal is the tragic end for most heroes who rise too quickl
y. Torg, an earthen monk from the Order of the Bear, perfected his fighting skills to become the youngest expert to claim the Grandmaster status. It was here where he met with others of his Order, a once thriving river valley. They were to test themselves against Sissra, the goddess whose temple you now stand in.

  Victory was within Torg’s grasp. When he rose to claim what was his, his allies knocked him into the [Venom Pit], a room filled with the tears of his goddess. The liquid was so potent that just a touch was enough to kill.

  What they did not realize was that Sissra’s fall had splintered her into hundreds of shards. They realized far too late that Torg had only defeated a single shard. While they let greed control their actions, Sissra offered Torg a choice.

  Death would have been honorable, but hubris once more struck and he took the deal. His body changed, and the damaged tissue dropped away. Scales grew out of his skin so slowly that the pain nearly brought him low yet again. He crawled out of the waters a reptile, immune to all poison and venom. He was no longer human. Upon his transformation, pipes throughout the temple blew out the built-up noxious gases, poisoning those in the surrounding area.

  Torg took on the name Reptile, and not one of his betrayers left the temple alive. You enter his domain, be it friend or foe, you have challenged him in his home, and he waits for you…]

  “That isn’t ominous at all,” Amard muttered, and I had to agree.

  Chapter 39

  Location: Reptile’s Revenge

  The temple opened up into the darkness above; the walls sloped to match the contour of the pyramid-like shape. We stood on a balcony that wrapped around the interior wall, and near the back corners, stairs went downward on each side. I crept forward so I could peer over the hip-high wall.

  A scattering of make-shift huts were positioned around the stairs on both sides with a communal cooking fire between them. They weren’t [Lizardmen], because I’d seen those before. However, they were reptilian humanoids; I hesitated to call the creatures below Lizardmen, which looked quite a bit different. For one thing, these things were smaller and had tails.

  “Kobolds,” Butter whispered. “Their hearing is bad because of their constant yipping, it drowns out a lot of sounds. They are cunning and quick. Watch for traps, and by [Drama], do not let them call for help.”

  “Wait,” Amard said and sat down, her back to the railing. Immediately she dropped into a meditative trance. Before I could move away, she grabbed my arm, well the [Drama Meter] to be precise. My arm tingled, but I remained where I was, waiting to see what happened.

  “We don’t have time. These things have patrols.” Butter hissed at us, but when he tried to grab at Amard, I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him back.

  “Relax. We can see the stairs; they haven’t even reached them yet. Whatever she’s discovered, is bound to be amazing.”

  “Fine, but do we need to talk about your goblin lover?”

  “Shit tits! You put me in that position with no real protection. Drugged, seduced, and—I shuddered remembering all the things I did to that creature. What I still wanted to do to her. And I gained a curse. Females of any race will find it easier to seduce me, which means I will have less control over who I sleep with.”

  “Well, there are worse things.”

  “Like a goblin going down on you? Yea, she showed me the Stryvant. Her word, not mine.” I shuddered, but whether it was in pleasure or horror, I no longer knew. Even Butter paled with my revelation.

  “Was it good?” He grinned at me, and I gave him a dark look to which he just rolled his eyes.

  A soft glow broke our silent contemplation, and we both looked to see Amard covered with an aura. Her exposed teeth glowed inside when a smile split her face. Once her eyes snapped open, I could see the magenta aura magnified, and runes streamed across her eyes.

  “Yes,” She cheered softly. Her hand remained locked on to me until the runes finally disappeared and her focus snapped back. “All this time, and I could never figure out my [Ku]. Not even the [Runic Forger] profession could help me solve that mystery. [Drama] is my Ku, my source of creation.”

  “Wait, does that mean you could control these bands?” I wiggled the arm she still clasped, and without saying a word, she removed it. “Woah. Neat.”

  “You don’t know the half of it; someone didn’t want me to find my power. That son of a bitch knew what I was and did everything he could to suppress me. These bands made sure there was not enough [Drama] for me to discover it. One reason I followed you was because I sensed the power radiating off you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Dumbass,” Butter said. “You are like a [Drama] magnet. It always finds you.”

  “Yeayea Boss, redy fer more?” Earle said, popping up on my shoulder.

  “Oh, ain’t you a cute little thing.” Amard went to pet him.

  “Yeayea, yeh touch me, and I’ll bite yer fuching finger off, hussy.”

  I sighed.

  “You know this foul creature?” Butter’s face scrunched up as if he wanted nothing to do with the rodent, not that I could blame him.

  “Shittitties, right boss?”

  “Well, he obviously knows you,” Butter snorted.

  “Dis guy callin’ me foul, but boss smart, he gorna figure out what ye are. Right boss?”

  “Shut up, rodent.” Butter growled, and his voiced echoed. Luck held because the kobolds did not seem to notice.

  “Earle, what aren’t you telling me?”

  “Yeayea, boss. I’mma tell ya, but yer gorna hafta pay. I ain’t no freebie whore like yer drama mama o’er der.”

  “Watch it, Earle,” I growled low in my throat, trying not to raise my voice.

  “Yeayea, dat was low. Heheh, but not as low as yer momma suching deez furry nuts.”

  “Thought you were into my Dad. It’s cool though, I’m not judging.”

  “Woah, bro. I’mma not buff’n anyone’s pole. Take it back.” A knife was in the squirrel’s hand, and I laughed at his grumpy little face.

  I sighed. “Enough, Earle. We are in a dungeon, and we got things to do.” It took all my willpower not to throw him over the edge and into the crowd of kobolds. This little bastard wouldn’t die.

  “We gorna deal?”

  “How about you two talk after—look?” Amard pointed at the stairs on the right side, a patrol of six kobolds were on their way.

  “Fine. We go left.”

  We all crouched low and stayed near the railing, so they didn’t spot us. The kobolds looked bored, and not one of them was looking up at all, nor were they paying attention to the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs we moved behind some huts, keep them between us and the patrol up top.

  “Earle?” I turned to see him still standing on my shoulder. “See that bell thing? Can you cut the rope so they can’t pull on it?” The squirrel just nodded and hopped off before disappearing. “When that rope drops, Butter you go that way and try to take one down while Amard and I go that way to distract them both.”

  We got into position and waited until I saw Earle flick me off before cutting the rope. I let out my breath, thanking whatever gods were listening that the asshole didn’t betray us. Amard pulled out a bow and aimed while I moved forward on bare feet to minimize sound. One of my hands grabbed the first kobold’s snout and squeezed his throat with another. My two free hands triggered [Dragon Strike], and the flaming fists pulverized his kidneys and spine. I dropped the limp kobold as the other one turned. It did not even have time to yip before it jerked sideways, an arrow protruding from its neck.

  Butter’s dagger slid into its kidney at precisely the same time as the arrow struck. The thief’s eyes widened in fear as the arrow’s momentum had not slowed on the way through the kobold. His reactions were lightning fast, and he tilted his head just slight smidge to the side. A thin line of blood appeared on his cheek, but the vain man remained quiet, despite the look he shot towards the druid. Hmm, was she still a [Druid]?


  [Breathing +1]

  [Dragon Strike +1. You are now Adept at Dragon Strike. Upgrades take effect during a long rest.]

  Shit yeah. That makes two.

  “Grab the bodies and pull them inside the shack. When the patrol comes to check on them, we ambush them.”

  Earle was grabbing coins and putting them into his inventory, but I said nothing. He did his part, and a few coins did not matter all that much. It was Butter’s agitation that first warned me something was off. His eyes never left the squirrel, even when I gave him instructions.

  Should I consider the deal? The squirrel knows something.

  Chapter 40

  Location: Reptile’s Revenge

  The patrol yipped and howled, but without the alarm bell functional, nothing responded from deeper in the temple. I yanked an arrow out of my lower shoulder and sipped on a [Healing Potion], while Amard looted. The sweet cotton candy flavor tasted better than the water from the various containers I had in my inventory. Nothing could live inside the bag, so I knew the water was safe to drink, but it had a metallic aftertaste.

  “Hey boss,” Earle whispered into my ear while standing on my shoulder. That squirrel moved like the shadows. “Yea, don’ say nuttin. Juss ‘ear me out. I wanna start o’er, ye make me yer companion again, and I’mma gib ye da info.”

  “I don’t trust you,” I replied barely above a whisper. Amard looked over at me and frowned. The woman was smart though, and pulled Butter farther away from us, towards the mouth of the tunnel. Butter was no fool, and I doubted he’d be lost in his thoughts for long. “You tried that trick on me before, why the hell would I trust you now?”

  “Ye ‘member when ye tol’ me what a [Lion’s Quest] was? Da impossible quest no one gorna e’er complete—well dat’s where I went wrong. Goro was once our [Mafia Don], den it pass’d to me,” he chittered, stringing more coherent thoughts together than I had ever heard from the squirrel. “Now look-at-me. I’mma an outcast.”

  Earle’s little paw rubbed at his nose, and he looked vulnerable, but fool me once…

  I did as asked and inspected him.