Bless This Love

by S M Mala

  ‘Wasn’t she a slapper?’

  Suri received an even harder kick.

  ‘Hi Jack,’ she heard Joe say and closed her eyes tightly, her heart and body yearning for him. ‘Is everything okay?’

  ‘Absolutely wonderful! I’m going to do this until one o’clock, and then the others will take over. All is under control.’

  ‘Erm… Have you seen Suri?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Suri.’

  ‘She’s very popular today. Some man was asking about her as well. Ted?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yes, seemed keen to talk to her. Said it was urgent and even asked where she lived.’

  Suri was trying to grab Jack’s leg so she could hit him, but he was fending her off with swift kicks.

  ‘Bloody flies!’ said Jack, leaning down and slapping her hand away. ‘I think her mother said she was going into work.’

  ‘I see. I better get back.’

  ‘If I see her, shall I give her a message?’

  ‘No, it’s okay.’

  'I thought you'd split up?'

  'I wanted her to meet my family,' he quietly replied. 'I spoke about her and...' There was a heavy sigh. 'Doesn't matter.'

  Suri lay on the floor, looking up at the bottom of the fold away table. Her heart was pounding hard. Then she turned to see Jack looking down at her from underneath the table cloth.

  ‘I told Ted I was still with Joe. Ted might want to tell him what I did. Joe will realise I’m a very bad person.’ She closed her eyes. ‘I told Ted that Joe was a Vicar. He laughed and so did my immediate boss. I don’t think it’s funny.’

  ‘What did you do, Suri?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘Suri?’

  ‘That’s wonderful!’

  Jack was handing her the cash so she’d dish out the change.

  Everyone was blind to the fact his helper was under the table, and he hadn’t given her notice that she could leave. Already she’d drunk two pints of punch and was feeling pissed.

  The table cloth started to rustle, and she looked up, while taking a sip of her drink.

  These pretty brown eyes were looking at her. There was no mistaking it; the little girl was one of Joe’s nieces.

  ‘Hello,’ the three-year-old child said. ‘Are you play hide and seek?’

  ‘Don’t tell anyone I’m here.’ Suri smiled at her sweet little northern accent.

  ‘Are you princess?’ The eyes looked at her hair. Jack had planted a tiara, which someone had left on the table, on Suri’s head. It was pink and very glittery. ‘I a princess but I not got one.’

  Suri couldn’t help but gaze with total admiration at the female, miniature version of the man who had broken her heart.

  ‘If I give you this, will you keep where I’m hiding a secret? A bad prince wants to get hold of me, but the good prince has left me.’

  ‘That sad.’ The little hand was now being held out as Suri removed the tiara and handed it over. ‘Thank you kind princess. I hope you get good prince.’

  ‘Chances of that are very slim.’

  She turned and ran away. Suri watched her go towards her mother and say something, pointing to the table.

  Then she heard Joe sing and felt her cheeks go numb.

  He had the most beautiful voice. From under the table cloth, she could see he also had lots of groupies surrounding him.

  ‘This is a good time for me to leave,’ she said, moving out from under the table.

  Standing slowly and trying to get the feeling back into her legs, Suri could see him.

  She stood there, mesmerised and wished things were different. Then her eyes travelled to the place where Rory lay dying, and she let her head fall.

  ‘Suri, let’s go for a walk,’ Jack whispered and ushered her around so no-one would see them, telling someone to take over the stall.

  Everyone was listening to Joe.

  He escorted her out of the park towards the back entrance of a pub on the corner.

  ‘What did you do to this Ted?’ he asked, all smiles fading. ‘Whatever you did, you better spit it out.’

  ‘It’s not important.’

  ‘If you care about Joe, then you’ll tell me.’

  ‘He’s got nothing to do with it.’

  ‘What happens if Ted tells him?’ He looked gravely at her. ‘Buy me a quick pint before I have to get back.’

  Doing as she was told, she got him a pint and herself a gin and tonic, sat him out of any eavesdroppers and told him what she did.

  Jack sat silently, not even sipping his pint.

  ‘He had fun,’ she shrugged, knowing the silence of the Reverend was never a good sign.

  ‘You set this man up to be sexually assaulted?’ he gasped, then took a massive gulp of his drink. ‘Suri!’

  ‘I didn’t do that. And yes, it sounds bad,’ she guiltily replied. ‘But I was next door and heard.’

  ‘You listened?’

  ‘They were loud,’ Suri meekly replied. ‘And he serviced the needs of the ladies willingly. One of them twice, Leila.’

  ‘And what did you do to lure him?’

  ‘Gave him the come on. Talked dirty. My job teaches me many skills. Look, he did it with two people, and if he tries it on with me, I’ll get them to tell his wife.’

  ‘That’s not a charitable thing.’

  ‘I never said I was godly.’

  Then he smiled.

  It wasn’t gentle or kind.

  It was evil.

  ‘If you don’t come to the church next Saturday evening at seven o’clock to sing,’ he whispered. ‘I will tell your mother about you sleeping with a married man and what you did last week. Mary will be heart broken. Not to mention seducing my young Vicar.’

  ‘You can’t do that!’ she shouted out loudly. ‘You’re a man of God and that’s a lie!’

  ‘And speak to Joe. He’s miserable. You're just a pain. Sort it out.’

  ‘He doesn’t love me.’

  ‘Did you ask?’ he said, looking at her as if she was stupid.

  ‘I did. He didn’t reply.’

  ‘Bloody children,’ he muttered under his breath. ‘I’ve got to give you something and Saturday is a good a time as any.

  ‘I don’t want to sing!’ she shouted out, getting angry. ‘You’re asking too much.’

  ‘Do as you’re told and don’t yell at a Vicar!’

  ‘You’re blackmailing me.’

  ‘Is there any other way?’

  ‘You didn’t!’

  Naomi was shaking her head solemnly from side to side before laughing out hard. ‘What has Ted said?’

  ‘Well, after trying to track me down all of last week, he couldn’t actually say anything. You see, Denise has got it into her head he fancies her.’ Suri grinned and looked around the French bistro. ‘Ted is keeping a wide birth, and I’m sticking to my evil boss like glue.’ She smiled. ‘You look lovely.’

  Naomi was wearing a pretty dress and hat. She was going to the memorial service for Felicity Peters.

  ‘What are you going to do this afternoon?’ her friend gently asked, stroking her hand. ‘Come with me and show them what you’re made of.’

  ‘She killed my boyfriend after sleeping with him. I can’t pay my respects to someone who let me down.’

  ‘But what about Rory?’

  ‘That’s different.’ Suri looked at her glass of red wine. ‘I loved him with all my heart, and I’ll never know if he loved me.’

  ‘Let it go, Suri. It’s time to move on.’

  ‘But I can’t move on. There’s nothing to move on to.’

  ‘Ah!’ Naomi looked sadly at her. ‘I saw Len the other day. He asked me to go back out with him. I refused.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I met someone else and I didn’t really fancy Len that much.’

  ‘How can you meet someone?’ she asked, sitting up from her slouched position. ‘You only broke up a few weeks ago.’

  ‘Ah, well, you see, I
met this guy when we were all out together months ago.’ Naomi went bright red. ‘He’s very lovely and he knows a mutual friend.’

  ‘I’m confused. A few months ago you were with Len, so how come you can meet this guy?’

  ‘He plays in Joe’s band.’

  Immediately Suri felt upset on hearing his name.

  ‘I went to see Len for a drink last week, as we’re trying to be friends, and he was there. His name is Terry, and he’s not a Vicar, but a music teacher. We swapped numbers and went out. He’s really lovely.’ Naomi smiled and started to blush. ‘Really lovely.’

  ‘Wow, that’s amazing. Does he know any priests I can go out with?’ she said, trying to smile before failing dismally to look happy.

  ‘Terence mentioned the Vicar has been very unhappy recently and thinks something is troubling him. I said you were heart broken.’

  ‘Naomi! Don’t go telling people that!’

  ‘But you are.’

  ‘Yes, I am,’ she said, scowling and looking out at the people walking down the road. ‘Why is everyone happy and I’m not?’

  ‘Because you fell in love with a Vicar, that’s why.’

  Suri had spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around the town, but avoiding anything near the church. She could see people dressed up, hardly recognising most of them, but watched as they walked down the road.

  Then horror struck as she saw Janet Peters in a car with Edgar, driving past. Suri ducked behind a tree, so she wasn’t spotted.

  There was only one place to seek refuge.

  She got an ice cream then sat under the tree where Rory and she used to hangout. A large old thing that would probably be lifted out of its roots if there was another bad storm. It used to keep the pair dry when it rained, and that’s where they fell in love.

  Closing her eyes, she remembered all that was good back then.

  Life was full of hope and love.

  Not lies and betrayal.

  Then Joe came into her head.

  He was the first man she’d thought there’d be a future with.

  Only that future could be wrapped in a clerical collar and working for the church.

  Suri put her headphones on and closed her eyes. She knew Jack’s blackmail was probably an arse over tit attempt to make her go into that church and find some comfort. Flicking through the songs, she found the one and listened to the words.

  She hadn’t forgotten any of it.

  But still she felt uneasy, knowing how hurt she’d been on the day of Rory’s funeral and the confusion about what happened. The rumour that he’d stabbed Felicity and not the other way round.

  The pair had stabbed each other, but the reality of it, they had wounded Suri eternally.

  And that was something that couldn’t be healed.

  ‘I need a drink.’

  Suri was standing at the glass door as Jack unlocked it.

  Ten minutes before, she had got some white rose petals and scattered them where he had died.

  Every year she did the same thing

  But this time she put one where Felicity had laid.

  There was still bitter disappointment for her deceitful friend.

  She was in two minds whether to go into the church and see Jack, but she kept her bargain.

  ‘You need to be sober and nice,’ he said wearily, shaking his head. ‘It’s been a long day.’ He stood with the door open and she composed herself as she walked in. ‘Straight to the front.’

  She took the route on the right and went to the front, smiling when she saw the two glasses and a bottle of red.

  ‘Take a pew.’

  Suri slumped onto the bench and was handed a glass of wine.

  ‘What did you do today? It was a lovely service. I won’t be popular,’ Jack sighed, filling his glass to the top. ‘I spoke my mind.’ Stopping in mid slurp, she looked at him. ‘Hasn’t your mother called you?’

  ‘No. Should I call her?’

  ‘She thanked me.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘Telling the truth,’ he said, knocking back half the glass and filling it up again.

  ‘About what?’

  ‘About you.’ Her hand started to shake, and he gently put his large fat palm around it. ‘Only the things they need to know, nothing else.’

  ‘I can’t sing,’ she said tearfully. ‘It won’t work.’

  ‘You can sing and it will work. I’ve got something for you.’ He reached down and pulled a package from underneath, handing it over. ‘I received a letter from Rory’s parents a few months ago, and they wanted me to give you this.’ Suri put down her glass and reached inside. She pulled out Rory’s beloved sketch book where he also wrote down what he thought. ‘They found it hard to give away but… look inside, and you’ll see how Rory felt.’

  Still her hands trembled, and Suri was scared to open it.

  Then she flicked through and saw all the sketches he had done of the people they knew then and the words he wrote. Constantly he had written ‘Suri’ and she smiled. She went to one of the last pages, and it broke her heart.

  ‘I’m going to tell her what happened. It was one drunken mistake. I regret it. Felicity’s been dogging me for years, but I never wanted to tell Suri. It’d hurt her. Now Felicity thinks we’re a couple, after one quick screw? I mean, I was mad. Suri walked off after I told her I wanted to go away with the lads the weekend of our anniversary. I got drunk, and Felicity was there, telling me how wonderful I was.

  ‘I fucked up.

  ‘I love Suri with all my heart, and I hope she forgives me. I’ve never felt so bad in my life. I want to be with her forever. Going away together will show her how much I really love her.’

  ‘He loved you so much and made one stupid mistake that cost him his life. Suri, you never did anything wrong. You were angry with him and said things in the heat of the moment.’ Jack put an arm around her as she stared at the empty pages. ‘See those white sheets in his book? They would have been filled with the happiness of you two being together. That was taken away from you.’

  Swallowing hard, she didn’t know what to say.

  Rory did love her, and he also admitted to screwing Felicity.

  It still hurt but not as much.

  The sun had hit the church again, and the beam was coming through the window where the angel was.

  ‘Do you think our baby’s with him?’ she quietly asked looking at the book. ‘Is Rory with our child?’

  ‘Suri, I’m sure the baby’s with their dad.’

  ‘It’s here, I lost it.’

  ‘My darling child, you went through a very bad time. I hope I supported you the best I could.’

  ‘I was going to keep it. Even after finding out about his fling with her, I still wanted a part of Rory. Your God wouldn’t let me have even that.’ She started to cry. ‘I was eleven weeks pregnant when I miscarried in that toilet.’

  ‘I know,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘I never forget. Every time I go to the ladies, I recall what happened.’

  ‘What are you doing in the ladies' toilet?’

  ‘Sometimes this old bladder can’t wait,’ he smiled, and she noticed a tear fall down his cheek. ‘You have to move on and find love. I’m certain you will.’

  They sat in silence for a long time as she thought hard about what to do. Slowly she got to her feet and stood where the beam of sunlight was coming through the stained glass, the angel illuminated by the rays.

  And she sang.

  The song she performed for Rory on the day of his funeral.

  ‘Yester-you, yester-me, yesterday.’

  In her head she could hear a harmonica from outside but didn’t want to stop singing.

  No one would be able to hear her, other than Jack and Rory. They were the only people that were allowed to hear her words.

  This time she sang it differently, a much slower version. Using all her energy, she belted it out until when she came to the last words, Suri couldn’t hold on.

  She col
lapsed at the front of the church in tears, and still the harmonica from outside played in the background.

  This was all for her remembrance to the man she loved and lost.

  And the baby taken away from her before it had a chance to tread the earth.

  That was the last time she came into that church to ask for God’s help to stop her from losing the baby.

  Again, she was let down.

  ‘Thanks.’

  Suri got a coffee and realised the pavement was cordoned off. She glanced at the church and knew her mother was inside as well as Joe. It had been weeks since she sat on her bench, and this is what she wanted to do. No-one would see her, and she’d go before anyone came out.

  Walking slowly towards it, she sat down then closed her eyes.

  After singing to Jack, she was exhausted. It broke her heart, the song of love she had with Rory. And the memory of losing their baby made it all feel so much more painful.

  And then there was the young Vicar to contend with.

  Weeks she had wept for Joe, and it was hard to get her head around the fact he didn’t want her, no matter what.

  He didn’t care.

  Wanting to get up, she was stuck to the seat, feeling the summer sunshine on her face. The hymns were being sung, and she could faintly hear Jack give a sermon, which had been known to consist of an anecdote that made little sense. It made the congregation laugh.

  The familiar strum of Joe’s guitar was then echoed in the church, and Suri felt an immediate pain. There was no way she could sit there and hear him.

  He started to sing ‘I was made to love her,’ and she was going to cry.

  Maybe Joe was more in tune with God than she realised.

  Or he was singing about God and calling the almighty ‘she’. Then he’d be right.

  Even worse, he was singing about Janet Peters.

  This made Suri internally growl.

  The melody and his voice echoed out, making people stop as they walked by. It was as if he was filling the air with the sound of his singing. Knowing the service would finish soon, she got up to walk back home.

  The music abruptly stopped.

  Suri continued to walk away, not wanting to see what was going on.

  Suddenly her arm was pulled back, and she turned.