Bless This Love

by S M Mala

  It was Joe.

  ‘Where’ve you been?’ he asked, looking upset. ‘You’ve not been around for weeks and I thought-.’

  ‘I’ve got to go.’

  ‘I prayed that I’d see you and you were walking across the green. I knew it was a sign and-.’

  ‘Why don’t you pray for world peace or to the end of starvation?’ she replied, feeling a bit pissed off. ‘I didn’t intend to come across here but there are road works.’

  ‘I see.’ He looked stuck on what to say and Suri was about to turn around. ‘Why didn’t you come to the fundraiser? I didn’t see you,’ Joe said, running his fingers through his hair. ‘I thought you always went.’

  ‘Why are you speaking to me?’ she asked, feeling emotional and mostly upset.

  ‘I care.’

  ‘I don’t think you do.’ Suri closed her eyes. ‘I did see you but I was hiding under the table.’ He looked confused. ‘Your family looked lovely and that last thing you’d have wanted was to see me.’

  ‘That’s not true.’ Then he hesitated. ‘Which table?’

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Which table were you hiding under?’

  ‘The one Reverend Jack was at.’ Suri blinked but her eyes felt sore. She spotted Jack stepping out of the side door, looking over, shaking his head. ‘You better go back.’

  ‘My niece said something about a princess hiding under the table because of a bad prince.’ He looked confused then stared. ‘Was that you?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘Where’ve you been?’ he whispered. ‘I-.’

  ‘I’ve avoided coming here,’ she replied, unable to make eye contact.

  ‘They were expecting you at the service yesterday and so was I.’

  ‘Why? It only brings back sad memories.’

  ‘You should have come. I’ve been worried and…’ He dropped his head. ‘I heard you sing yesterday, Suri.’ Joe looked at her, and he seemed teary eyed. ‘I never knew you had such a beautiful voice. That’s when I realised.’

  ‘You heard me?’ Suri didn’t know what to say. Her first reaction was shock. ‘How?’

  ‘I was standing outside then I let myself in. I saw you sing then sobbing on the ground. I wanted to rush towards you, but you were in safe hands.’ Then he gulped. ‘You lost his baby. That’s the last time you went into the church before I made you come to see me. No wonder you feel God let you down.’

  Suri felt sick and stumbled backwards from the blow of him knowing.

  ‘Jack showed me Rory’s diary, and he loved me, you see, but I doubted it,’ she said, trying to hold in her sob. ‘When I lost our baby, I lost everything.’

  ‘I’m so sorry. I know you’re upset and-.’

  ‘Even seeing you hurts. Yesterday made me realise so many things.’ Suri put her hand in front of her mouth for a moment. ‘I can’t have what I want, and that’s very sad but the truth.’

  Then she ran off, across the green and away from him.

  He was such a good man; he wanted to be kind, but she was a shit human being.

  They were a mismatch from the start.

  When she got home, she shut the door and sunk to the floor, crying her heart out. The pain was profound, and she wished in her heart of hearts, she could speak to him.

  But she didn’t want to.

  He said all he had to say; there could be little else left to discuss.

  God came first.

  Suri didn’t come into the running.

  For half an hour, she sat there sobbing.

  A loud knock startled her as she jumped up to her feet, wiping her eyes and hoping it wasn’t her mother. When she opened the door, Joe was standing on the doorstep, looking devastated.

  ‘I don’t give a shit. I’d rather be with you,’ he said, grabbing her tightly and kissing her passionately. She pushed him away, unsure of what he was doing. ‘You see, I love you Suri and what’s the point of faith if it’s going to make me unhappy. You did nothing wrong. I was the one who got scared and judged you. Jack was right what he said yesterday that the innocent victim is still alive. That’s you.’

  ‘You have to go back,’ she said, quickly wiping her face, confused by the comment. ‘They’ll worry and-.’

  ‘I love you.’

  'Joe, right now-.'

  'I wasn't worried if you got pregnant. Why would you say that? I'd stand by you, no matter what. There was no joy in telling you it was over. Couldn't you see it broke my heart? I didn't want to look at you as it was too painful. I thought by doing it in church, I'd get a sign it was the right thing. But it wasn't because when you fall in love, you know it's forever. And I think that's what I feel about you.'

  There was nothing to say. He knocked her sideways.

  Then he physically did, closing the door and pushing her up against the wall, their bodies completely entwined. She couldn’t stop kissing him, her mouth searching desperately. The scent of his skin, his taste and their lips locked in passion.

  Slowly he pulled away and stared into her eyes.

  ‘Don’t play with me,’ she said, trying to push him away.

  ‘I love you. Do you still love me? Will you take me back?’

  Joe grabbed her hands, and she stared into his beautiful eyes.

  That’s all she wanted.

  Him.

  ‘You know I love you,’ she whispered. ‘You can’t turn off something like that.’

  He stepped back and took her hand, leading her up to the bedroom where they slowly removed each other’s clothes. Joe kissed all the way down, caressing her skin with his lips and fingers before sitting on the bed.

  She crawled to the middle of the mattress, lying down and stroked his back. He turned and kissed her lips, his hand stroking her breasts and stomach. Then he turned and lay on top of her, pushing his body against her.

  Suri held onto his back and let her tongue travel in his mouth, feeling him touch and stroke her whole body, and then their eyes met. She felt him push inside and welcomed it by spreading her thighs and watching him, watch her. Overtaken by a surge of love and lust, they frantically moved together, panting and groaning.

  Joe touched her face, constantly kissing her while squeezing her breast. Her hands travelled up and down his back, pawing and pulling at his skin, helping his buttocks push deeper inside.

  ‘I love you,’ she groaned, feeling close to coming, and he covered her mouth until she couldn’t hold on any longer, and felt her orgasm pulsate while firmly clasping him inside.

  Suddenly overwhelmed, she broke down in tears, her emotions in utter confusion and turmoil. Trying to put her hand over her face, he pulled it away.

  ‘Oh God, I love you,’ he said, looking at her, his eyes bright and wide, though red from crying, moving faster inside. ‘I love you so much.’

  He collapsed on her then burst into tears.

  ‘I love you.’

  Joe held her in his arms. ‘You know that’s true. I was put on the spot, and I had to make a choice. I was scared.’

  It had been a pretty miserable fifteen minutes after they made love.

  All they did was cry.

  Suri was beyond confused and couldn’t stop the sobs. Joe silently wept, hugging her all the time until he was now positioned with his head on her breasts.

  ‘I know,’ she sniffed.

  ‘I was wrong.’

  ‘You were right,’ she said, feeling his soft hair with her fingers. ‘She has the ability of taking away all you love. Janet Peters did it to me when it came to Rory. Making me doubt him. It was awful.’

  ‘Oh Suri.’ Joe looked up at her mournfully. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been a mess. I thought it was okay the first few days, when you weren’t in the park. Then I couldn’t find you. I used to see you walk down the road at lunchtime, did you know that?’ She shook her head from side to side. ‘And on Sundays, I could see you from where I was standing in the church. I wanted to desperately speak with you, but I knew it would hurt.’

  �
��You split us up, and you’ll probably walk away, right now, and change your mind.’

  ‘No I won’t because I’m listening to my heart, not my head. But now my head agrees with my heart. As soon as I laid eyes on you, I knew.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘That you were perfect.’

  ‘So much so, you pushed me out of your home, ashamed I’d be spotted.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ he said, stroking her side. ‘I felt bad afterwards. I treated you appallingly. I’m no like that. I was scared.’

  ‘You need to think seriously about this. If that made you uncertain of me then it’s not going to work.’

  ‘Don’t say that. You know it’s not true.’

  ‘Do I?’

  Joe looked devastated.

  ‘Are you saying, you don’t want me back?’

  ‘Don’t be here on a whim or get into trouble or lose what you love.’ Then Suri gulped hard. ‘And I don’t want to find out you changed your mind again. That’s not fair on me.’

  He hugged her so tightly; she was unable to breathe before being let go.

  ‘Your voice, it’s amazing. I never heard you sing before yesterday. Then it all made perfect sense. I wondered why Jack asked me to meet him at the church and-.’

  ‘He did what! That man!’

  ‘That man told me I made a mistake, and he could help me but he wasn’t prepared to, unless I did the right thing. I did the wrong thing. He’s not very sympathetic, is he?’

  ‘He has his moments,’ she said, knowing she was going to get the old Friar Tuck back but then smiled, realising what Jack was trying to do. ‘You know he barred me from church for a week when I was a teenager.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘Put gin in the holy water,’ she grinned mischievously. ‘When he’s thirsty, he takes a swig. I used to see him. So one day I got hold of a bottle of gin and put it in the water. Thing is, I didn’t know he was going to do a christening and all hell broke loose. Poor child was covered in Beefeater’s finest.’

  ‘That’s really bad!’ he laughed out, wiping his face of stray tears. ‘Did you confess?’

  ‘Felicity grassed me up to her mother, even though she helped, and it was Janet Peters’ gin. She always had a stash. I should have figured it out then Felicity was a sly one,’ she sighed, lying back down. ‘Naomi always had her doubts but I was blind to it. If only I’d known.’ Suri glanced at Rory’s diary that was on the table. ‘He shouldn’t have slept with her, drunk or not.’

  ‘Twenty-three year old men rarely think with their brains, more their bollocks,’ he sighed. ‘But I’m not twenty-three, I’m thirty-three and we’ll make this work, okay?’

  Stroking his face, she noticed the sincerity and was at a loss on what to do.

  ‘I don’t think it’s going to,’ Suri said, seeing his face crumple. ‘It’s such a hard thing to deal with, you and God, me and… me.’

  ‘It will work. You’ve done nothing wrong other than loved a man who killed someone in self-defence.’ Joe kissed her forehead. ‘You’ll hate to know that Jack asked everyone to pray for the real victim of what happened ten years ago at the remembrance service.’

  ‘Who’s that?’

  ‘You.’

  ‘I’m going to kill him!’

  ‘How do we do this?’

  Suri and Joe were sat by the river at a pub, away from prying eyes, looking out onto the River Thames. ‘Joe, Janet Peters will come at you if she ever finds out about us.’

  You could never tell he was a Vicar, wearing a tight t-shirt and ripped jeans, his stubble and handsome face. He looked more like a rock star than a God star. Resting his head on his arms on the table, he smiled. The glistening of his rings from his right hand reflecting off his bottle of lager.

  Reaching out, she touched the sleeper in his ear then grinned. Joe had hardly said a word since they left her home, walking discreetly back to his flat so he could get changed.

  The only thing he was capable of doing, other than smiling, was kissing.

  ‘You’re not with anyone, married or divorced,’ Joe eventually said, touching her hand gently. ‘I, on the other hand, have a black mark against my name. I love the church and made a sacrifice over four weeks ago, ending our relationship. I thought I had no choice, but I have.’

  ‘You want me to come to church?’ she quietly asked, unable to hide her grimace. ‘I will if you want.’

  ‘Your faith in God has been, understandably, challenged. I’m not going to preach to you.’

  ‘You mean, you’ll leave that to Jack?’

  ‘He told me yesterday that it will take time.’ Joe sat up and moved closer to her face. ‘I don’t care if you don’t believe as long as you respect the fact that I do. When I didn’t see you for all these weeks, I wondered where you’d gone. So I took to jogging around where you lived and saw you, sitting on another bench looking at the sky.’

  ‘So I didn’t imagine it was you?’

  ‘It was me. I'm being honest.’

  ‘And talking about honesty, or my lack of it, I told Ted we were still together and you were a Vicar!’ she blurted out, watching his confused expression. ‘I know I lied, but I thought he’d get the hint and-.’

  ‘Jack told me what you did.’ He picked up his bottle and took a short swig. ‘And he didn’t touch you?’

  ‘He… look, he didn’t kiss me but he thought I’d let him.’

  ‘I hear you used some of your word skills from doing the adult continuity.’ Joe pursed his lips together. ‘Do you want to tell me what you said to make Ted think he could bed you again?’

  ‘Bed me again? That’s quite sweet.’

  ‘Shag.’

  ‘Oh.’

  Not knowing how to tell the man she loved, who had a direct line to God, what she said, Suri grinned.

  ‘It involved pleasuring me in a way that would mean I’d be ready for his love making,’ she said clearing her voice, and looking away. ‘It was a trap, a bad trap but like I told Jack, he enjoyed it.’

  ‘And you listened to what he did next door?’

  ‘I laughed quite a lot.’ She knew her cheeks had gone pink as he looked at her, shaking his head from side to side disappointedly. ‘He laughed when I told him you were a Vicar.’

  ‘Get used to it,’ he smirked.

  ‘And so did that half man, half woman beast I work for, Denise. I don’t think it’s funny.’

  ‘Could be because of you, people think it is.’

  ‘Do you think being with me is funny?’

  ‘I think being with you is perfect. Whether we can convince others of the same thing, well, we’ll leave that in the hands of God.’ Joe took another sip of his drink. ‘From now on, good behaviour especially with that creep Ted.’

  ‘Now that’s not very charitable. Thing is, I sort of did lead him on.’

  ‘Please don’t tell me anything that might ruin this moment,’ he frowned.

  ‘Well, he grabbed my thigh and then brushed his hand against my fanny. I was a little shocked.’

  ‘You were leading him on,’ he grumbled, flashing her a dirty look.

  ‘So I put my hand on his dick, through his clothing. I washed my hands afterwards.’ Suri grinned watching Joe’s annoyed expression. ‘Told him he’d have a night to remember. And he did.’

  ‘If he thinks he can get his hands on you again, he’s got another thing coming. And don’t go touching other men,’ mumbled Joe. ‘Even in jest. I might be a member of the clergy, but I can certainly take him on, if needs be.’

  ‘Oh, that’s going to help tonnes,’ she laughed out and stroked his face. ‘We’re going to have to both behave. I know it wasn’t something that you’d be proud of. I thought that at the time.’ Suri sighed as he flicked her a glance. ‘Don’t break my heart again, okay?’

  ‘I didn’t want to.’ His face crumped in pain. ‘When I told you in the church it was over, you said so many things that I couldn’t respond to. Mainly because you’d have realised I
was crying too. I felt hurt when you thought I didn’t love you.’

  ‘But that’s what it felt like.’

  ‘It was apparent to me but not you.’ He took a sharp breath. ‘And stop running away. You’ve done it so many times. Stand still and wait to see what happens.’

  ‘It will only be bad.’

  ‘How would you know if you don’t try?’

  ‘Ted has filed a grievance against you.’

  Suri did a double take when she realised Denise was serious on Wednesday afternoon. ‘And he wants to take it further.’

  ‘What’s he saying?’ she asked, not believing her ears.

  ‘Inappropriate behaviour at a conference.’ Denise looked at her straight faced. ‘He can’t remember what happened but you put him in a precarious situation.’

  ‘Is it a sexual claim?’

  ‘He’s saying your behaviour is questionable.’

  She wanted to laugh out loudly. Suri had done such a good job avoiding him for weeks, it was interesting to see his next tactic.

  ‘Do you remember what happened?’ she asked Denise, who looked away. ‘I see. You’re keeping tight lipped are you?’

  ‘You can’t tell anyone, do you hear?’ Denise hissed, leaning closer. ‘He’s been in such a mood since he came back from holiday. I’m surprised he hasn’t named Leila as well as me.’

  ‘Does Edgar know?’

  ‘Suri, Ted obviously can’t stand you and is hell bent on causing trouble. I would support you,’ she said insincerely. ‘But at my level, I don’t want to get involved. HR will call you up later on today to get a witness statement. I will deny any involvement if you name me.’

  Mulling it over, she didn’t know what to say.

  ‘You didn’t force him into anything, did you?’ Suri said, now starting to worry that her ex-lover might have been assaulted by the female version of Hercules. ‘I wouldn’t want that to have happened.’

  ‘Look. I’ll lay it on the line. I told them that-.’

  ‘Who’s ‘them’?’

  ‘The people in HR that I saw you with him, acting in a flirtatious manner. Well, you were, on the table. Everyone could see you were giving him the come on.’

  ‘That’s not true! You were just jealous.’ Trying to contain her temper she levelled her breathing. ‘Is this your way of getting rid of me? Making me look bad?’