“Deciding if someone else feels the same way you do can be terrifying. But you’ve got to remember, no matter what, it’s okay to feel for someone. No matter who they are or who you are.”
Chloe hoped she was getting her message across without outing Macy. She didn’t want to scare her away by calling her gay before Macy had a chance to accept it herself.
“A lot of people don’t think so,” Macy mumbled, clenching her jaw and averting her eyes.
“Well, a lot of people can be wrong. Back in the nineteen fifties people were still protesting and rioting over interracial couples and marriages. How foolish do they look now?”
Macy took her time to digest that tidbit, shooting a free throw, which just rimmed out.
“I’m nervous people are going to start talking about me.”
“Why would they talk about you?” Chloe nudged her closer to the issue.
“Because they’re assholes.”
“Hey, watch your language. You can’t call someone that in front of a teacher.”
“Unless they really deserve it.”
“I guess I can let that slide this time since right now I’m the coach and I make the rules in the gym. And you’re right.”
“Sorry, Coach, it just makes me mad that I have to worry about everybody else when I don’t even know anything…” Macy trailed off.
“Macy, the first thing you have to do is be happy with yourself, with who you are. Which, by the way, is not defined by who you have a crush on. You’re a smart kid, although with a sailor’s mouth, and you could be a great basketball player if you would listen to me and jump stop once in your life.”
“God, enough with the jump stopping!” Macy barked, exasperated, but finally smiling.
“And,” Chloe went on, “you are many other things. Try to focus on who you are, and you’ll realize who you click with doesn’t define you. Once that sinks in, everything else will be a little bit easier. Don’t get me wrong, that might be the toughest part, but that’s why you have the best coach in the universe here to talk to.”
Chloe spun to her left and drained a deep three, nearly from the coach’s box. Out of the corner of her eye she watched Macy process what she had said. Was Chloe imagining it, or was she standing a little bit straighter?
“Thanks, Coach. I’m still not going to jump stop, though,” Macy said, laughing.
“Well then, get comfortable on the bench, kid!” Chloe yelled as she walked to fetch her rebound.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve got to go. I think my mom’s here! I’ll see you tomorrow!”
And with that, Macy ran over to the sideline, grabbed her bag, and jogged out the door toward her ride home. Chloe shook her head, hoping she could be a support to Macy as she figured out who she was.
* * *
Awareness gradually seeped into Chloe’s consciousness. Cloaked in sheets, she stretched, various parts of her body clicking and popping. A yawn escaped her before she could even open her eyes. Somewhere around two her restless mind had conceded defeat to her exhausted body, but just for five hours. Only now, slightly more rested, did she even realize how poorly she had been sleeping lately. For the past week she had been thrashing about in her sleep, her restless body keeping pace with her mind.
Hannah would tell her she needed to talk it out. She always advocated talking. Chloe didn’t know how to talk about this, though. The high school was becoming a home for her. But beneath the stability and pleasure it gave her an undercurrent of unease was gaining ground. Wiscasset was a haven, a port in the storm that her life had become, but none of the things that had brought her here had been resolved. In fact, everything was becoming more complicated.
Thinking of things that were complicated conjured up thoughts of Nora. There was something she could fix. Well, if not actually fix, at least address. Doing so might resolve some of the guilt and, who knows, it might even help Nora.
Sliding into a sitting position, Chloe tried to decide if changing out of her boxers and sleep T-shirt would be a form of procrastination or the reinforcement she needed in order to own up to Nora. The conversation she was about to have did not need to be any more intimate than it already was going to be, she decided. She made herself move, showered, and put on jeans and a fresh T-shirt. She made the bed, sat atop the covers, and checked the time. It was a little early, but Nora was an early riser. It was now or never.
“Hello?” The voice on her phone was tentative but recognizable, though it was also clear that something had changed. In truth, everything had changed.
“Hi, Nora. It’s Chloe. How are you?” She wondered if the question sounded as inane to Nora as it did to her.
“I’m all right.”
Chloe paused, unsure how to proceed. “Have you started your comprehensive yet?” She tried for neutral ground, hoping something might click into place.
“Yeah, I’m working on the literature review right now. It should be pretty interesting.” Nora’s voice was steady, if not totally even. She was either masking any hurt she felt or she had done better than Chloe at moving on.
“Nora, I know this is probably the last thing you care about hearing right now, or maybe ever, but I wanted to call and apologize to you. I am genuinely sorry for hurting you. I, well, I’m ashamed of how I fucked everything up and hung you out to dry in the process.”
Silence followed, and Chloe could feel the enormity of the chasm between them. Painfully aware of the void now existing where easy friendship had once bubbled over, she continued. “I’m sure you don’t care to hear my explanations, but I hope you can believe me when I say I care about you. I always have. I shouldn’t have shut down on you without any explanation.”
“Why are you telling me anything right now? I got your message loud and clear when you didn’t respond to any of my texts.”
“That’s the thing. I think you got the wrong message, and that’s entirely my fault.”
“How gallant of you, taking responsibility for everything.”
“I deserve that. And more. I’m sorry. I really do care about you, but I can’t be with you. I think you know that now and you knew it then. I should have talked to you as soon as I thought you felt something more, but I was selfish. I loved being around you, and then all of the sudden I couldn’t focus on anything outside myself.”
Chloe heard the silence again, but this time the distance between them felt smaller somehow.
“What happened with Elaine, Chloe?”
Chloe froze, unsure how to answer or if she even could.
“Listen, Chloe, I’ve spent way longer than I like to admit being mad at you. I realized that you didn’t want me. And you were always very careful to keep things friendly. But things changed so fast and you shut down. That’s what hurt the most. You just cut me out. I thought I was at least your friend. I had chalked everything up to you being a complete ass, but then some rumors started spreading. I think I have an idea now about what really happened.”
Chloe’s breath caught. “What rumors?”
“Apparently an undergrad is bringing charges against Elaine, and word is that a PhD from Berkeley is on the lawsuit as well. She got her master’s here the year before you got here.”
This time it was Chloe who was silent. Could she finally own up to everything to Nora? Only one way to find out. “What are you doing today?”
“I don’t have anything planned.”
It was now or never. She needed to know what was happening for her own sake, and she owed as much to Nora. They both deserved closure.
“Let’s get lunch, and if you want to hear it, I’ll explain everything.” Nora’s breathing was the only sound from the other end of the line. Chloe wondered if she had pushed too fast.
“Sure, that sounds good. Why don’t I meet you at Charro’s? Around one?”
“All right. See you soon.”
“Chloe?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks for calling.”
Chloe smiled. “Thanks for answe
ring.”
* * *
It didn’t take Chloe long to dress and get on the road for the four-hour drive to Amherst. Making up her mind to face Nora had forced her to accept the reality of what had happened rather than run from it. That didn’t mean she was excited about owning up to her mistakes, but a peacefulness had settled upon her after making the decision to talk to her, and truthfully she didn’t hate it.
What she hadn’t quite been able to wrap her head around was the fact that there was a lawsuit pending against Elaine. Her manipulation sure as hell hadn’t been professional. It had certainly hurt her and been damaging, but she hadn’t ever stopped to consider if it was actually criminal. None of that had factored in her decision-making when everything had spiraled out of control less than a year ago.
It was difficult to sulk on such a gorgeous day. She was on the road by nine fifteen, I-95 was completely clear, and with any luck she would be pulling into Charro’s around one. Her phone call with Hannah about halfway into the trip had buoyed her spirits as well. Hannah’s elation at finding Chloe actually facing some of her demons had given her the boost of confidence and reassurance she needed to commit herself to clearing the air completely with Nora. She’d caught Jacob in a free moment too. They’d chatted about her students and her season starting. The pride in his voice at her transition to Wiscasset was even more pronounced than Hannah’s reaction had been. They hung up after agreeing to find a time to get lunch in the near future.
As she navigated her way through Amherst, Chloe felt as though she was experiencing everything for the first time. The streets of the city were the same, but they felt different. She felt different. Charro’s, the best burrito place in the city, hadn’t changed at all, though. The small black and red sign still hung over the door of the nondescript building at East and Finley. She hadn’t eaten a burrito since leaving Amherst. Smelling the fresh tortillas and spices now, she was reminded of what she had been missing.
Pulling the door open, she was hit with a wave of nostalgia. She had stopped at this place more times than she could count on evenings when she didn’t feel like cooking. Scanning the room, she spied Nora sitting at a corner booth, blond hair casually thrown into a bun. Her bright blue eyes were clearer than Chloe remembered them being. When she looked up and saw Chloe, the cautious smile that spread on her face was so endearing that Chloe finally allowed herself to admit that she had genuinely missed her.
“I had almost convinced myself you weren’t coming.” Nora stood at Chloe’s approach, a glint of disbelief evident in her eyes.
“Hey, stranger.”
Nora shook her head gently. “Why don’t you go order? It’ll give me time to accept that this isn’t some strange alternate reality.”
“That I can definitely do.”
Chloe reacquainted herself with the menu and returned to the table with a giant burrito a short while later. The size of the thing was intimidating, but also awe-inspiring. She hadn’t finished an entire burrito in one sitting during her time in Amherst.
“I forgot how enormous these were.”
“You probably blocked it out, trying to cope with not having any out in the middle of nowhere.” Nora was as naturally enthusiastic as Chloe remembered.
“I think you’re right.” She nodded, unsure how exactly to proceed.
“I honestly didn’t think I would see you here again, and if by some miracle I did, I definitely imagined feeling some type of way about you being back. But truthfully, it’s good to see you.”
The nerves that had been causing Chloe’s chest to get tighter and tighter relaxed a little, loosening their hold. It was really good to see Nora, though the prospect of sharing with her what had remained unspoken thus far didn’t appeal quite so much.
“I have to agree. I’ve been pretty anxious about this, but it’s nice being here again.” Chloe was encouraged by the way Nora was leaning back, taking everything in. She exuded a confidence Chloe hadn’t seen before.
“So, how are you? How are things going? You look really good, happy.”
“Thanks. I am happy. It’s strange, your timing.”
“Why is it strange?”
“Well, I was pretty pissed at you for a while, but then I started spending more time with Jenna. She’s a biochem major. I finally got up the nerve to ask her out and it’s going… Well, it’s going fantastic, to be honest.” Her happiness was infectious; Chloe couldn’t help but be impacted by it. She was grateful to hear that Nora had been able to move on, to find someone who was right for her without Chloe blocking her view.
“She must be special. You’re cheesing so hard. I love it. That’s awesome.”
“Yeah, I’m not gonna lie. It’s pretty fantastic.” Nora sat quietly while Chloe made some headway with her burrito. “I can tell you all about her later if you want.”
“Definitely. I want to hear all about this lady who makes you so happy.”
Nora took a few bites of her own burrito, apparently content to let them sit together in companionable silence for a moment or two longer, then spoke again.
“I really need to know what happened, Chloe. I’m not stupid and you know it. You didn’t really lead me on, but you made me think you were my friend and then you kind of shit all over that. Tell me why.” Nora hesitated, a flash of anger surfacing. “Please.”
“I know you didn’t think that back then, and you probably don’t believe it now, but it wasn’t about our friendship. I wish I could go back, but I just…” Chloe ran a hand through her hair, gathering her thoughts. “I didn’t want you getting dragged into it. So I shut you out.” She stopped, so many thoughts and emotions coursing through her. “I’m sorry for hurting you. I know I did, but I think you’re better for not being involved at all.”
“That’s bullshit. Yes, I’m younger than you are, and no, we weren’t dating. But you can’t argue that we didn’t have a solid friendship. I actually believed you when you said that you wanted to stay close no matter where I went after UMass.”
“That’s still true.”
“Then talk to me. If I know you, and I think I do, you’ve been all stoic and you haven’t really talked to anyone. I’m here to listen. I want to understand. You forget—I saw what this did to you. I also know more than you do now about what she’s done to other people.”
Struggling to keep her emotions in check, Chloe took a deep, steadying breath. It had been almost a year since everything started, and for that entire time, she had not divulged the whole story to anyone, not even Hannah. “I don’t know if I can.”
“I do. I think you want to. You wouldn’t have driven here if you didn’t. I’m not going to judge you. If I wanted to, I could have done that already. I didn’t. I tried to understand why you did what you did. Help me know what you went through. You can lean on me here.”
“Jesus, Nora. I’m supposed to be your mentor, not the other way around.”
Nora’s laugh was refreshing. “Dude, you were my mentor and then my crush, then my friend. I’m an old soul.”
Chloe returned Nora’s smile, though she wasn’t yet able to speak.
Nora didn’t let the silence grow for long. “I guess my biggest question is how did everything start? How did she put herself in a position to be so close to you? She was your advisor, not your classmate.”
Nora’s sincere desire to understand finally pulled the words from Chloe, words that had been straining to get out for far too long.
“Well, for starters, once I was in her lab, we were working together every day. Her lab was so different from Gossler’s or Jenk’s. Maybe because she was the only woman, I don’t know. But we were working together all the time. She was the most casual and informal advisor I had ever seen and I liked that. She treated us like peers and she was—well, she still is—a phenomenal physicist.”
“I know what you mean. I was in her class last semester. She’s charismatic and wicked smart. I can see how you would respect her and trust her.”
Chloe nod
ded. Nora had seen the side of Elaine that she put on for everyone, the side that made her the “cool” professor and the sought-after advisor.
“She would host dinners and barbecues for the entire lab at her house. She would stay in the lab all hours while we were stuck on something, and it wasn’t strange for any one of us to be there with her and order takeout when we got hungry.” Chloe had thought she would hate sharing this, but finding understanding in Nora’s eyes rather than pity was reassuring.
“She was so funny and we could talk about things like the existence of God or sexism in science. I felt like she respected me for my ideas the same way I did her.” Chloe paused to gather her thoughts. “I started to feel something different, though. I don’t know really what specifically it was, but I knew we weren’t just colleagues anymore. Things were more personal. I was stupid.”
“Well, that’s where you’re dead wrong. You trusted your advisor. That’s what’s supposed to happen. She was the one who needed to maintain some level of professionalism.”
“Have you been talking to my friend Hannah?” Nora smiled, confident in her assessment. She was right, Chloe knew, but only to a point. She didn’t know everything.
“We started getting into more personal territory over lunches and dinners. More and more it was only me and her. She asked me about old girlfriends. I told her all of it. By that time, she had told me she believed in connections between people that ran deeper than romance or marriage, that were in celebration of the universe itself. Christ, what bullshit.” Chloe shook her head, castigating herself again. She let the momentum that had built lead her forward. The story was flooding out of her now.
“She effectively told me she had had multiple affairs with women and that John, her husband, was clueless. When I didn’t flinch at that, things got intense.” Chloe hoped Nora knew this was a plea for understanding. “I needed her. Without her I had no mentor, no lab, and no future in academia. I had crossed into a weird personal place with her, and I wasn’t sure I could find any way to go back to a professional relationship. So I listened to her. I tried to dodge the flirty comments and ignore the fact that she was constantly finding reasons to touch me. Every time she did that, though, she followed up with a compliment on my research. I felt the unspoken threat.”
Breaking Even Page 20