A door slammed in the distance, ripping Madeleine’s attention away from Chloe and bringing everything to a halt. Chloe couldn’t have moved if she wanted to, trapped by the ecstasy she felt from being pinned by Madeleine. Madeleine, on the other hand… She quickly removed her leg from between Chloe’s, the color draining from her face. Feeling exposed and rejected, Chloe swallowed painfully.
“Fuck.” The whispered curse escaped Madeleine’s lips. She stepped back abruptly, the passion that had been smoldering in her eyes now tinged with fear and worry.
At a loss for what to say, Chloe pushed off from the railing, but pulled up short as pain sliced through her upper torso with a vengeance. Madeleine took another step backward. Bringing her fingers to her mouth, she traced her lips with them as if reliving what they had just shared. Shaking her head, she lingered for another instant. Then she was gone.
Chloe swallowed again, aching at the loss of her touch, a single word bouncing around her head. Fuck.
* * *
The digital clock in her adjoining room in the suite showed 4:13 a.m. Taylor and Anne were surely sound asleep at this point, but Chloe was giving up the fight. She had slept for a grand total of forty-five minutes by her reckoning. The pain in her collarbone had kept her from getting comfortable, but it hadn’t kept her from wondering about what the hell happened between her and Madeleine. Despite having initially planned to stay over, Madeleine had left without even bothering to give Anne or Taylor an excuse. That didn’t fill Chloe with confidence.
To top things off, every time she moved now pain jolted her, bringing with it new questions and worries. She was glad she had thrown a book in her duffel. Now was the perfect time to crack it open. She sat up gingerly. She would spend the next few hours trying to read, since sleep was not an option. Leaving the bed, she opened the curtains, revealing an unobstructed expanse of star-filled sky. At least the view was magnificent. She stood there, silently taking it all in. She lost track of time, transfixed by the mountain in darkness.
Moving away from the window, she contemplated her clothing options. She hadn’t had the energy to change out of her white T-shirt before collapsing in bed. It would have to do. She dragged herself to her open bag and managed to put on clean sweatpants and socks. Tossing the comforter back on the bed, she piled some pillows against the headboard and began to read.
The light knock on the adjoining door a few hours later got her attention. Mercifully, the reading had distracted her enough to feel almost comfortable.
“Come on in.”
Anne appeared in the doorway, carrying matching cups of coffee from the little café in the lodge. The smell wafted to Chloe. She let out an audible sigh. Anne’s eyebrow lifted. As she came close enough to take in Chloe’s appearance, concern appeared on her face.
“Rough night?”
“I guess. I didn’t sleep well. That smells divine and, incidentally, reinforces my belief that you are an angel.” Anne’s chuckle quieted as she watched the cautious way Chloe readjusted herself on the pillows in order to take the coffee from her outstretched hand.
“You’re moving pretty carefully. Are you sure you’re all right after your spill?” Anne’s features revealed all too clearly that she hadn’t believed Chloe’s insistence that she was fine last night. Chloe knew Anne would see through her bluff; that was literally part of her job.
“I don’t think it’s anything to worry about.” Chloe shrugged but immediately regretted it. Anne stood next to the bed, sizing Chloe up.
“Let me see it.”
Anne being forceful was an entirely new experience. Chloe instantly understood how this mellow woman kept pace with Taylor. Conceding defeat, she contemplated how best to allow Anne access to her collarbone. With Anne’s help, she managed to slip her T-shirt over her head. It revealed a pretty nasty sight. Chloe hadn’t looked closely at her body in a mirror since the collision, so she hadn’t anticipated seeing a protruding bump where her collarbone normally lay flat.
“Well, I stand corrected.” Anne sat down next to her on the edge of the bed. “I told Taylor you had a good head on your shoulders. Clearly I was wrong. You didn’t think this needed a doctor?” Anne’s disbelief was almost laughable. The genuine concern in her voice convinced Chloe that laughing was a bad idea, for a variety of reasons.
“Anne, I swear to you, I didn’t realize it was this bad. I mean, I didn’t really examine it closely last night. Yeah, it hurt like hell, but I figured I was going to be sore.” She decided to leave out the part about how being near Madeleine had singlehandedly short-circuited all other brain function and she hadn’t been thinking clearly since then. Anne was already questioning her sanity as it was.
Chloe was met with temporary silence as Anne contemplated her response.
“It’s just… I have been to so many doctors and had so many surgeries I honestly thought I would be okay. I didn’t lose feeling or have any tingling. I wanted to have a normal weekend without being fucking hospitalized.”
Though apparently accepting Chloe’s rationale, Anne set her face again with that formidable determination. “We are going to see a doctor. There’s a very good chance you’ve fractured your clavicle and it’s displaced. If you’re lucky you’ll get away with just a sling, but I want an ortho’s opinion. Depending on the X-ray, you might need surgery.”
Resigned to her fate, though secretly relieved at the prospect of getting something to ease the pain, Chloe allowed Anne to help her get ready and take her for another visit to another urgent care.
Chapter Fourteen
As her fourth-block students made their way out the door heading for their lockers, Chloe began cleaning off the whiteboard. Each swipe jostled her sling, though the pain was fading. She had left the urgent care with some decent pain medicine, managing to avoid surgery entirely. It had been almost a week, though, and she was ready to rip the sling off. She was also considering locking Madeleine in her classroom to get her to talk to her, but she had so far resisted both temptations.
Returning her attention to the board, she considered today’s class session. She reserved the last half hour of one block a week for groups to work on homework problems together with little or no input from her. It gave them practice at sorting things out with others, and listening to their discussions helped her gauge what she needed to spend more time on with them. Her own group review sessions in college had been where she had really solidified her knowledge.
She had been pleased with how today went but was also frustrated that at the very end Kirk kept insisting they do the problem his way—a method that Chloe had explicitly described as incorrect earlier in the block. She kept quiet, though. She would find a way to bring it up with him next week. She considered how best to approach him. He was smart, but incredibly stubborn and at times insufferable. Not wanting to write off a student that way, she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. Again. Maybe this time she’d get through to him.
As she continued erasing the board, her thoughts turned to Madeleine—as they had been doing consistently since the skiing trip. She’d been fighting her attraction to her since they met, attributing her foot-dragging to the turbulent state of her professional and personal life. Now, however, there was nothing to hide behind anymore. Employed full-time and moving past Elaine with unexpected help from Nora, she finally felt clarity in what she wanted personally.
Madeleine obviously didn’t have that. Running away from a kiss like that without a word didn’t exactly scream “emotionally available.” She hadn’t imagined the signals Madeleine had been giving off; the attraction was mutual. But the way Madeleine had run from her, from their kiss, had hurt. She couldn’t help but wonder how to proceed.
“I never asked you if things worked out with your UMass tutee.”
Madeleine’s voice made Chloe jump. She hadn’t seen her at all on Monday. They’d crossed paths at lunch on Tuesday, when Madeleine had been surprised to see her in a sling and wished her a speedy recovery. Her so
licitation was comforting, but after she’d made sure Chloe was all right physically, she left lunch early, citing some papers that needed grading. Chloe hadn’t seen her since; she got the distinct impression she was being avoided.
“I’m surprised you remembered. It feels like forever ago that I told you about that.”
“It does, doesn’t it? I still wanted to check in, make sure you’re either happily single with no guilty conscience or newly coupled up.”
“So, it was a morbid curiosity that brought you. I get it.”
“No, it’s definitely concern that’s motivating me to ask, but curiosity may have been a small factor.” She held up her thumb and forefinger, separated by a millimeter. “Seriously though, how have things been in that department?”
Biting the bullet, Chloe decided to jump right in.
“Well, I went to visit her a couple of weeks ago, after the Halloween party.”
Something flashed across Madeleine’s features too quickly for Chloe to be sure what it was she saw. Immediately it was replaced with a calm expression. Chloe swallowed her annoyance. Madeleine had no right to feel jealous, and she definitely shouldn’t be getting a thrill from the possibility that she might be.
“How did that go? I didn’t realize you wanted to make the trip.”
“I hadn’t planned on ever making it again, honestly. But that felt like the one thing I still had some control over. Something I could still do something about. You were right, by the way, I owed it to Nora. So I met her for lunch. And I’m so glad I did.”
Madeleine remained quiet, taking in what Chloe was saying.
“She has moved past the crush, I’m happy to say. She took time to focus on herself, and she’s got a new girlfriend who sounds pretty incredible. She doesn’t resent me for shutting down on her without explaining anything, which in itself is a miracle.”
Madeleine’s features lightened again as she dealt with the information Chloe was providing, filling in gaps and making connections. Soon words began forming on her lips. Chloe was amused watching the process unfold.
“What’s your question?”
“I’m trying to understand. What drove the final wedge between you? What made you run away? I know you said you abandoned her, but was there something else?”
Almost a week without talking, no mention of their kiss, and Madeleine unknowingly opens the subject of Elaine? How could Madeleine be so skilled at delving into the most nuanced, complicated elements of Chloe’s past, but unable to even touch the topic of their shared kiss?
Chloe was having trouble keeping up. Making the task infinitely more difficult was the fact that Madeleine consistently impressed Chloe with her perceptiveness and her empathy. She had a grace about her. She worked to untangle and understand other people’s truths, making everyone around her feel truly known.
Take now, for instance. Chloe hadn’t talked with her about Elaine; she’d simply mentioned during their exchange on Halloween that in the past she’d been drawn into an unhealthy relationship. It was one of her least favorite subjects, but something had compelled her to talk about it with her.
Chloe considered her options: ignore the truth of the thing or make the story her own, claim it like Nora said. She took a deep breath. “My old advisor, she crossed a lot of personal boundaries, and I didn’t want Nora involved.”
“‘Personal boundaries’?” Madeleine asked cautiously.
“She wanted a relationship and she wasn’t above using her power to make it happen. So it did. When I finally said no, well, she didn’t take it well. I wasn’t the first, unfortunately. Nora told me there’s a lawsuit being filed against her now.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. It was over a year ago and it wasn’t your fault.”
A tear sprang forth, unbidden. Damn! She had managed to talk about Elaine with Nora without crying, and here she was falling to pieces around Madeleine. Chloe turned, battling for composure. A hand on her arm pulled her back around and into a chair. Madeleine sat down beside her.
“Hey, Chloe, it’s all right.”
Five simple words. The tenderness in her voice as she offered her company and support was Chloe’s undoing.
Madeleine moved to pull her into a hug, and Chloe felt herself stiffen. When Madeleine didn’t relent, though, her resolve weakened. Madeleine’s chest rose and fell in sync with her own. There was strength in the arms that cradled her, solace in the rhythmic patterns that her hands were drawing on her back.
As Chloe sank deeper into the embrace, Madeleine’s hands took more sweeping strokes up and down her back, trailing her hands along the curve of her spine and the expanse of her neck, then slowly brushing the hair out of her eyes. Her touches left chills in their wake, but the contact was as soothing as it was stimulating.
Gradually Chloe let go of the anger she’d been clinging to, allowing it to empty out of her. Now there was only Madeleine, tracing the path of the single tear that had fallen down Chloe’s cheek before returning her hand to her back.
She cherished the lingering contact. She wasn’t alone. She allowed that fact to wash over her, focusing on her breathing, maintaining a slow and steady rhythm. Resting her head on Madeleine’s chest, she heard Madeleine’s breathing catch and become choppier and uneven.
Chloe’s body was humming. Reveling in the sensations Madeleine’s hands were rousing, she remained as she was, not wanting to break the moment. Madeleine continued to explore new paths, tracing more boldly along her neck, the line of her jaw, upward into her hair. Chloe closed her eyes and lifted her chin, inching closer, picturing Madeleine’s face, a breath away from her own, the tanned skin, her gently sloping cheekbones golden in the late afternoon light.
She looked up, her green eyes meeting Madeleine’s hazel ones. She dangled helplessly on the edge of indecision, terror preventing her from what she wanted to do, temptation urging her onward.
A cough in the hallway ripped both of them from the moment and into the next. Landon stood in the doorway, seething with rage. Chloe nearly leapt out of her chair in her haste to make the embrace end. Madeleine, however, simply straightened up, stood, and addressed him.
“Can I help you with something, Landon?” she asked seriously in a tone that did not encourage small talk.
“I was coming to check in on the progress of Chloe’s season, offer some advice or help if she wanted it. Make sure she hadn’t broken any more bones. Apparently you are helping her enough, Madeleine,” Landon spat out, his condescension magnified by his anger. Chloe saw through his lame excuses. He hadn’t been dropping by to chat. He’d been stalking Madeleine.
“I’m all set. Thanks, though,” Chloe replied, recovering from the interruption. He remained standing in the doorway, glowering. The muscles in his jaw were working nearly as hard as the vein pulsing in his neck.
“Anything else?” Madeleine asked, her desire for him to leave evident.
“No, that’s all. Don’t let me interrupt,” he taunted, lingering for a moment as if contemplating throwing a few more accusatory looks their way. Apparently satisfied that he had conveyed his disgust, he turned slowly and walked away.
Chloe was reeling. Madeleine was back in her room for ten minutes and they had picked up right where they had left off on the mountain. But now she was sitting on the counter near the window. Silent. Shutting her out again. Chloe’s disquiet twisted into knots with every passing moment. Was there any way to salvage what was happening between the two of them, whatever that was? She had to know. Weighing her need for answers against her fear, she broke the silence.
“Madeleine, what’s going on?”
Madeleine responded with more silence, though she did turn to face her. After waiting an eternity, she spoke. “What do you mean?”
Gathering her thoughts, Chloe narrowed her questions from a thousand down to the most pressing.
“Well, what’s in your head? Or what’s going on between you and Landon? I mean is he following you? What’s g
oing on?”
Madeleine’s eyes were stormy, pain and want gathering there. Chloe wanted so badly to reach out to her, but the pain she felt at being repeatedly abandoned kept her rooted to the spot. Perspiration gathered at her temples.
“Nothing’s going on with Landon.” Chloe couldn’t help but notice Madeleine refused to look directly at her when she told the lie. At least she knew it was a lie too.
“I don’t believe that. And neither do you.”
Madeleine’s jaw clenched. She’d finally pushed too far.
“There’s nothing. Let it go.”
It took every ounce of strength she possessed to swallow the things she wanted to say. They would fall on deaf ears and pushing harder would only guarantee more of this icy silence. Corralling the thoughts galloping around in her head, she focused on slowing her heart rate. By the time she was able to breathe deeply enough to settle into herself, enough of the icy distance separating them had thawed for her to ask a different question.
“Okay, what are you thinking about?”
The pregnant pause that followed made Chloe wonder if she should even follow this through. Did it matter what Madeleine was thinking if she wasn’t going to share it or do anything about it? Something was on her mind: her hand was at her wrist again, playing with the navy hair tie there.
“You.”
Chloe stumbled. That was the last response she expected. Her pulse, unpredictable whenever she was near Madeleine, was off to the races again.
“What do you want from me here, Madeleine? I want to be here for you, but you keep shutting me out.”
Breaking Even Page 24