Madeleine’s angst was etched on her features for a moment, and then it was as if a switch had been flipped. Her features were set and all evidence of the attraction to her that Chloe had glimpsed was gone. Only anger and resignation remained.
“I don’t want anything from you. I can’t. I’m sorry. I have to go.”
And with that, Madeleine walked out, leaving Chloe floundering in her wake.
* * *
Chloe had never in her life been more thankful for basketball. The focus and energy it took to manage her team as well as help Taylor with the varsity was propelling her through the days remaining until winter break. If she could make it through this week, she would have a full week to see her parents, relax, and sulk before she had to face Taylor and Anne’s wedding. While she was looking forward to celebrating their marriage, the prospect of doing so with Madeleine also in attendance was agonizing.
They had pushed their highly charged interactions to the periphery of their consciousnesses during the school day. When occasionally they showed up for lunch with Taylor on the same day, they were both pleasant, but there had been a fundamental shift between them, and it was becoming impossible for Chloe to ignore. Knowing what it felt like to kiss Madeleine reignited tortured memories every time she saw her. Knowing how much Madeleine was hurting tormented her when she went home. She got some sleep each night, but it was barely enough to keep her going.
She hoped that retreating from Madeleine would help her move on, that maybe it would dampen the attraction, emotional and physical, that she had been harboring for her. What else could she do? Madeleine was able to laugh and joke with her comfortably. Chloe had to do the same. They could be friends again—if she could just pull it together.
She was happy to say that teaching was going better than her relationship with Madeleine. Today had been a really good day, in fact, even though the students had been buzzing about the holidays ahead. There was only so much she could do to make curvilinear motion and centripetal force more exciting than the impending break. By the time she’d made it to her last class, however, she’d decided their youthful enthusiasm was warranted. She didn’t have the strength to rein them in anyway. She had caved and let them start on their homework fifteen minutes early. There was a lot more talk at the tables about gifts and family festivities than there was about the problem set, but, truthfully it was kind of cute to see them so jazzed about break. They needed it nearly as much as Chloe did.
Grabbing her bag now and shutting off the lights, she headed toward the gym, grateful that there was a thirty-minute after-school window before team practice started. Now that she didn’t have to wear the sling, she was more than ready to get her full range of motion back. She wanted to shoot for a bit before the girls got there. She decided to go there by way of the English hall. Stupid, but Madeleine hadn’t been at lunch today and at this point she’d settle for a glimpse of her, just to make sure she was doing okay. Instead of Madeleine, though, she ran into Taylor.
“Taylor?” Chloe couldn’t remember ever seeing her in this hall.
“Perfect. Now I can give them to both of you. Come in here. I told Anne I was hand delivering these. I’m not paying postage when I see you both every day.” Taylor beckoned Chloe into Madeleine’s room. Pushing down a tiny thrill of excitement, Chloe tried to set her face in a relaxed expression.
Madeleine greeted them from her desk as they walked in. Chloe couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Seeing Madeleine in her element would always make her happy.
“Hey, guys. How’s it going?”
“Oh fantastic, I’ve got you both here. Anne will be happy to learn that I did not, contrary to prediction, lose the invitations before I had the chance to deliver them. I would like to cordially invite you to our wedding. Sorry they aren’t mailed, but I think it’s stupid, considering.”
As they all laughed together, Chloe felt genuinely comfortable in Madeleine’s presence for the first time since she had run out of her classroom the previous week.
“Thank you kindly, Taylor. I’m honored.” Madeleine’s delight didn’t make it all the way to her eyes. Was she imagining things?
“You’re welcome. Chloe, I have to go get some stuff from my car, the new pump and needles. The gym’s full of Kurtz’s kids. They needed the gym to film some class project so you’ll have to wait until they’re done to get in there. I’ll meet you in the locker room.” With that, she left.
Chloe took a breath and tried to relax. Madeleine had started out as her friend; they could get back there eventually. They had to.
“How was your day?” That was innocuous enough to start out with.
“Have a seat. I feel like I’ve seen you only once or twice lately. It’s been weird.”
Chloe kept her thoughts about that to herself, waiting for Madeleine’s answer about her day.
“Today was one of those days that I wanted to be over before it really got started. Right now I want a bottle of wine to myself.”
Chloe laughed, knowing exactly what she meant. She relaxed a little. After some initial awkwardness, things were settling into a relatively comfortable normal.
“I know that feeling. My day wasn’t that annoying, but the kids were practically vibrating in their seats all day long. I’m ready to get home and veg out.”
“That sounds fantastic. But first I want a hot shower.”
“Preach. Why was your day so terrible?”
Madeleine’s face clouded, and Chloe sensed that something was on her mind. Not wanting to press the issue, she waited for her to divulge what had happened.
“Nothing earth-shattering. Landon came in the weight room this morning when I was working out. Not the ideal start to my morning.”
“What did he do?” Chloe felt a knot of worry forming. Whatever was coming was not going to be good.
“Nothing serious. He’s just being an immature pig.” Madeleine tried to dismiss Chloe’s concerns. Chloe knew if she was willing to bring this up, however, that something had happened, something she needed to get out. She wanted to believe that Madeleine was turning to her because their connection was deep enough that she knew she could confide in her. The other possibility was that whatever happened was bad enough that she couldn’t keep it to herself. That worried her immensely.
Several moments of silence passed before, finally, Madeleine gave in to the urge to spill.
“I had finished running on the treadmill and was stretching for a cool down when he came in. He just stared at me. Gawked, actually. It made me nauseous, but I ignored him, refusing to acknowledge it.”
Chloe felt her anger stirring. Landon believed he could do whatever he wanted without reproach for two reasons. First he was a man. Second he was close with the district administration, his uncle being the superintendent of schools and all. Something he mentioned with some frequency.
Madeleine continued, her account only adding to Chloe’s unrest and mounting fury. “He came over to me when I started lifting, trying to start up conversation, all while taking his shirt off. I barely got out one-word responses and told him I needed to focus.”
“You need to tell him he makes you uncomfortable!” Chloe interjected, feeling helpless to prevent Madeleine from experiencing what she had with Elaine.
“I know,” Madeleine stated flatly. “I didn’t think it was necessary, until he started trying to help me with my form. He came up behind me and started trying to do adjustments. I just walked away from that lift and told him I was fine. He came over one last time while I was doing curls, ran his hand from my thigh up to my ribcage, and said my form was flawless on this one, but he was available at all hours to help me perfect it. I told him thanks for the offer and kept lifting.”
Madeleine’s dismissal of the blatant sexual harassment tore Chloe up. Ignoring it would only lead to bigger problems later on; Chloe’s flight from UMass was a testament to that fact.
“Madeleine, I’m so sorry. I really think you should talk to someone about it. He�
��s not going to stop if you don’t.” Chloe knew she risked pushing her away again, but she had to take the chance.
“Right, thanks. I’ve got that,” Madeleine snapped.
“I can’t watch this happen, not to you,” Chloe burst out with a ferocity so intense Madeleine could not hold her gaze. Before long, Chloe’s temper won out. Being patient was probably the way to go, but her concern for Madeleine eclipsed her rationality. She walked out. It was all she could to do keep from sprinting down the hallway.
Madeleine was caring, empathetic, sweet, and smart. She was independent and strong. Chloe respected her so much. Despite all of that, or maybe because of it, her situation brought rushing back to Chloe the sense of complete helplessness she had felt when she was unable to stop what was happening with Elaine. This time it was magnified by the fact that this was hurting Madeleine and once again she could do nothing to fix it.
Looking around, Chloe found herself near the gym. She headed for the nearest exit in the side hallway near the entrance to the locker rooms. She needed to get outside and calm the inferno inside her. As she reached for the handle, Madeleine’s voice stopped her.
“Where are you going?” she demanded.
Frozen, Chloe didn’t answer. She didn’t turn around; she couldn’t. She heard Madeleine take a few steps toward her, but still refused to turn around.
“Why are you so upset by this? It’s not your problem!” she demanded again, beginning to lash out.
“Because I care about you.” Chloe paused, searching for the words, “I can’t make you, but I want you to handle this so you don’t…”
The rest of her sentence was swallowed up by Madeleine’s outburst as she closed the gap between them. “How would you like me to do that? Handle it the same way you did with your advisor? I can’t run away!” Her voice was filled with anger and fear; she was nearly shouting.
Though Chloe knew she had thrown the barb because she was hurting, she couldn’t keep herself from responding. She spun herself around with such force that she knocked them both sideways, pinning Madeleine against the wall. Though they remained separated by a few inches, it was not enough room to allow what she had intended to say to fall from her lips.
Chloe slammed her right hand onto the wall to Madeleine’s left, steadying herself. Her skin tingled from the adrenaline coursing through her and the hairs on her neck stood on end. Held in place by her own confusion, she felt her anger barely receding—and the fire in her veins growing.
A yell from within the locker room shattered the moment and shocked them into action. “Chloe, where in God’s name did you put the scorebook?” Taylor’s voice echoed off the tiled floors.
Chloe immediately stepped back, searching for something to say to ease the ball of awkwardness insinuating itself between her and Madeleine. Nothing came to her. She wouldn’t apologize for wanting her to take this seriously. She decided she could allow herself to apologize for losing her temper instead, then changed her mind.
“I’ve got to go help Taylor. Drive safe in the snow and have a great holiday.”
With that, she stepped sideways and walked into the locker room, reminding herself as she did that she didn’t need or want these kinds of complications in her life. Before either of them could damage the other more than had already been done, she needed to pull herself out of Madeleine’s orbit. Her only option for doing that was to change her own trajectory. She hoped she had enough strength to do it. She’d made a career out of studying the laws of the physical universe, but she couldn’t explain the power with which Madeleine drew her in, physically and emotionally.
Chapter Fifteen
January
Saturday
“Chloe, I love you. And I’m glad I know I can outsource my work to you. But it’s literally been two weeks, and you’ve avoided talking to me about that giant elephant over there. I’m taking a stand here.”
Chloe set down the mason jar she had been working on, knowing what was coming next. Taylor had been patient, as had Hannah. She, on the other hand, had been brooding and moody—basically impossible—since she’d left Madeleine’s classroom two weeks ago. It wasn’t that they hadn’t talked; they had interacted. The problem was the impenetrable wall Madeleine had thrown up with regard to anything that wasn’t work-related. Chloe hadn’t reached out to her and she wasn’t planning on doing so, having decided that it was best if she simply accepted that Madeleine wanted to forget, to put what they’d had out of reach. She needed that. That put Chloe in such a miserable place, though.
“Put the centerpiece down and no one gets hurt.” Startled from her thoughts, Chloe realized she had spaced out yet again. She pushed the glass jar away and raised both hands in surrender. Taylor appeared satisfied.
“Now that I have your attention, I’m going to drop some truth bombs.”
“Taylor, I…”
Taylor cut Chloe off, raising her hand and turning her head away, not willing to listen to any more of her lame excuses.
“You and Madeleine connected. She’s been pretty shut off to anything personal like that since she got here. I think someone hurt her pretty badly before and I hope you’ve realized the same thing.”
Chloe nodded, unsure if she was allowed to speak yet.
Taylor continued. “So, just so you know, I know there was something happening between you. I mean, I called you out on it before we skied and since I have fucking eyes I saw you two at dinner during your ‘vegetable moment.’” Chloe chuckled. Taylor’s version of things was so matter-of-fact.
“What I need to hear from you is what the hell happened to drive the wedge between you and what you’re going to do about it.” Chloe opened her mouth to speak, but Taylor silenced her again. “Because I love the piss out of you and Madeleine, and you know I want to help you figure it out. That being said, I’m marrying the most incredible woman on the planet and I want—no, I need—you guys to figure out how to coexist in T-minus four days.”
The guilt that hit Chloe was so powerful she lost the train of thought she’d been on. Even though she had spent nearly every night after practice for the past week or so trying to help Taylor and Anne in whatever ways she could, she’d blocked out the fact that the distance between her and Madeleine could impact others at the wedding. Shit!
“Taylor, I’m a terrible friend. I’m sorry.”
“Oh, shut up. You’re not a bad friend. But I thought it was high time for a little perspective and now you need to tell me what the fuck happened so I can talk to Anne and then come back to you with some good advice.”
“Great. I’ll even pretend the advice came right from you.”
“Perfect. Now what happened? Things were all cozy at Black Mountain.”
“Well, the day was really good. We both had a lot of fun.”
Taylor raised her eyebrows, clearly impatient to get into the meat of the issue.
“I don’t know how to describe it, Taylor. It was like things were moving in a good direction. We laughed and talked. She told me about the national team, I talked to her about some of my baggage. There was some flirting going on, but she would pull back periodically. I felt like I was on a fucking roller coaster.” Taylor nodded, her expression interested, as if she was piecing together some sort of puzzle.
“That night in the restaurant she got visibly upset over Landon being at the resort. Which makes sense, considering he continues to pursue her despite her rebuffing him. It’s sexual harassment at the very least, although to me it seems like it has escalated to stalking, but I don’t know all of the details. So that’s happening.”
Chloe stopped short, frustrated with the situation, but also with herself for telling Taylor without Madeleine’s permission. She couldn’t take it back now. She would have to trust Taylor to keep her confidence. She charged forward.
“When you guys went to the bar, I went outside and she joined me a bit later on the deck. I pushed her a little about what was happening and then out of nowhere she kissed me.”
>
Chloe stopped, unable to say any more. It almost didn’t feel real to her that the kiss had happened. She wanted to keep it safe.
“I’m gonna need a little context here. What happened? A first kiss doesn’t usually shut everything down when you’re two consenting adults.”
“Well, it wasn’t your average kiss. Jesus, Taylor, it was so intense. I’ve never been kissed like that before. And she was the one in charge. But when things got going, she backed off, terrified. She basically ran away and didn’t talk to me for a week.”
“Okay, this is making a bit more sense to me now.” Taylor nodded, understanding clicking into place for her. Chloe was irritated. Taylor was trying to help, but it felt like she was leaving her in the dark.
“Well, I’m glad it makes sense to you, because last week she came into my room asking me about UMass. I told her even more about last year and basically broke down in front of her. She almost kissed me again, Landon interrupted us, and then she ran again. I’m getting pretty sick of feeling like I’m on some jacked-up soap opera.”
Chloe was almost yelling by the end of her tirade. She hadn’t meant to take it out on Taylor, but reality was catching up to her. This wasn’t going away, and she didn’t have any hope that it would get better. A noise in the hallway drew her attention. Anne walked through the doorway with three beers in her hand. Casually setting them on three coasters amidst the wedding explosion that was the coffee table, she chose the armchair to settle in, grabbed some supplies, and started crafting quietly. Chloe shook her head. She couldn’t be too embarrassed here. Anne was the most perceptive person she knew, and it was highly likely she was already twelve steps ahead of her and Taylor, waiting for them to catch up.
“Thanks, babe. You’re the bees’ knees, you know that?” Taylor inclined her beer at Anne, blew her a kiss, and took a long swig from the bottle. Returning her focus to Chloe, she motioned toward Chloe’s beer.
“Take a drink. I don’t want you to lose your voice for the game.” Chloe tried to hide her amusement. God, Taylor was ridiculous. She was also a unicorn sent from above to keep her sane, as was Anne.
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