I stand from where I’m sitting and make my way over to Jared. “Love you,” I say as I hug him.
“Love you too. Just promise me you’ll go easy on him. Let him tell you why he lashed out, then get that big ape to call me.”
I smile. “Big ape?” I question.
“Big, good-looking, sexy as hell ape,” he adds.
“You make me laugh, Jared. Tobias punches you in the nose, and you still think he’s cute.”
“Have you seen his ass? Anyone who had a good look at that would think he’s damn fine.” He chuckles.
“Maybe keep that to yourself. I wouldn’t want Tobias to give a repeat performance of this.” I point to his nose.
“Duly noted.”
My smile dies down and I finish my soda. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Darling, I’m a skinny white gay boy in a town without many gays. It’ll take a lot more than a punch in the nose to keep me down.”
“Okay, as long as I know you’re alright, I’ll go easy on Tobias. But I’m not letting him get away with anything. He’s got to earn back my respect.”
“Give him hell. Just not too much.” He adds a wink.
I hug Jared again, and leave his house. Walking to the bus stop, I wonder how Tobias is going to answer my questions. I really want to know why he snapped toward Jared.
Waiting for the bus, I’m still thinking about Tobias and what could possibly have been going through his mind. All the possible causes play in my head, but none of them justify his behavior last night. But if I don’t ask him, the thoughts in my head will manifest into something more vicious and sinister.
I need to know the truth.
I’ll ask him to tell me the truth, the way he demands it of me.
It can’t be one-sided; it has to work both ways.
I’m lost in these thoughts, and even when the bus arrives, Tobias is front and center of my mind.
It doesn’t take long before the bus stops two blocks from Tobias’s house, and I start walking.
As I knock on the door, my stomach churns with worry. What if he doesn’t tell me? I can’t be with someone who refuses to be honest with me.
I can’t have him as my boyfriend if he’s violent only because he doesn’t like gay people. That’s not who I am, and not who I want to be around. Does this mean I’m willing to break up with him?
I guess I’m going to have to see how he responds when I push him for answers.
I knock again, and this time I hear the bolts unlock from inside. Clara answers the door. Her hair has changed color. It’s a deep teal green now. Her eyes light up when she sees me, then they droop in sadness.
“Hi, Clara. Is Tobias here?” I ask.
She opens the door wider, and steps to the side. “Come in, Ivy. How are you?”
I step inside and follow her to the kitchen where she opens the fridge and holds a bottle of soda out to me. “No, thanks. I just came from Jared’s and had one there.”
“Here, sit.” She gestures toward the sofa and she sits beside me. “Tobias isn’t here, Ivy.”
“Oh, okay. Do you know when he’ll be back?”
She looks at the bottle of soda she took out for herself, and rubs her thumb over the cold drops collecting on the outside of the bottle. “We’re not entirely sure.”
I’m taken aback with her response. “What do you mean? Where’s he gone?”
“Tobias came home last night and told us what happened. He hated himself for hitting Jared. He’s not in a good place, Ivy.”
The hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention. “Where is he, Clara?” I’m on my feet in a second, ready to go to him.
“He needs some time away from everyone. He’s gone to stay with some friends.”
“Where is he?” I ask again. “Please, tell me where he is?”
“Give him some time. He needs to come to terms with what he did. And he needs to learn how not to hate himself as much as he does for how he treated Jared.”
I sit back down again. My heart has been ripped out of my chest. “We can work through this. He doesn’t need to leave.”
Clara places her palm on my arm, and she looks down at the scar I have running from wrist to elbow. “We all have demons, Ivy. We just have to find a way to deal with them. Some people talk, some people don’t.”
“Some people hide,” I say as tears well up in my eyes.
“He’s not hiding. He’s dealing with what he did the best way he can. But he told me to tell you he’s sorry. And he’s asked me to ask you to tell Jared how he feels sick that he lay his hands on him.”
I stand from the chair and head toward the door. “When he comes back, he can tell me himself. I’m sorry, Clara, but I’m not accepting it from you. I need to hear him say it, not you.”
She nods her head. “I understand. But please, give him time.”
“Goodbye,” I say as I head out the front door.
My entire body is hurting, and my mind is clouded with even more gloomy thoughts. I take my phone out of my pocket and call Elizabeth’s office. The receptionist answers on the second ring, and a sense of relief overtakes me.
“I need to make an emergency appointment with Elizabeth please,” I say.
“Her next appointment isn’t until next Thursday.”
“No, I can’t wait that long. Please, can you tell her Ivy Jones needs to see her. Please. I don’t think I’ll make it to next Thursday.”
“Hang on a moment, Ivy.” She puts me on hold and I’m assaulted with bad ‘hold’ music.
Azael is near. He knows I’m about to fall apart and he’s ready to pounce. He’s coiling, ready for the perfect moment of my weakness to strike.
My entire body reacts violently to his whispers. He’s here, I can hear him rubbing his hands together getting ready to extend his talons into my soul.
“Ivy?” Elizabeth is now on the phone.
“Please,” my voice trembles. “I won’t make it through the night, I need help. Please.”
“Come straight here.”
“Thank you,” I reply.
“I’ll see you when you get here.”
I hang up, and call Dad. “Ivy, are you ready to be picked up from Jared’s?”
My voice cracks with hurt. “I’m at Tobias’s. Please Dad, I need to go to see Elizabeth.”
“I’m on my way.” I hear the door slam shut, then the car start. “What’s happening?” Dad asks.
“Tobias. He’s gone and I don’t know for how long. I can’t deal with this.”
“Everything will be okay. Just wait for me, I’m only a few moments away.”
I hang up and bury my head in my hands. Tears are falling, and my entire body is trembling. It feels as if my heart is being stomped on, over and over again. This is hurting so much.
How long is Tobias going to stay away?
I’ll find out soon, I guess.
Chapter 23
He didn’t return.
As a matter of fact, I went back to Tobias’s house a week later, and not only was he gone, but so were Clara and Justine. Tobias’s phone was disconnected, and every email I send him bounces back ‘undeliverable.’
I went to Clara’s workplace and they told me she hadn’t shown up for the past few days.
They were gone.
All three of them, up and left.
That was thirteen months ago. And I think about him every single day. I hope he’s doing okay, but I have no way of knowing. I tried everything to find him, but they all vanished. I stopped looking when I realized he’d made it impossible for me to find him. He left, and he was too gutless to tell me to my face.
Do I hate him? No. Actually, I still love him. I hate what he’s done, but I can’t ever hate him. I tell myself he’s moved on and I hope he’s happy. But it’s not true. I hope he misses me as much as I’m missing him.
Elizabeth continues to be a big part of my life, and even now when I’m at college I make sure I keep my appointments with her.
&n
bsp; My demon is at bay. Elizabeth has given me tools to help me combat him when he rears his ugly head. We’ve also discussed medication and seeing a psychiatrist, but for now, I’m managing without medication. I know what to look for, and the moment I think I’m falling, I call her or see the campus counselor and he helps me through it.
I’m studying photography, and I’m loving it. It’s my first year at Sacramento, and I’ve made a few new friends. Jared and I are inseparable. He and I share a small apartment near college. He’s studying nursing and he’s loving it too.
College is different for both of us. I’m introverted, and Jared is an extrovert. He’s always having fun, while I stay home and study.
This is how life is for us.
I wish Tobias was here too. But he made the choice to leave. It hurts so much but as they say, the show must go on.
I just hate this version of the show without Tobias in it.
Chapter 24
Two years and it still hurts.
Some days I think I can feel him watching me, and I search the campus hoping to see him, but he’s not here.
On the upside, I’m doing well at college, and still loving it.
Jared has really thrown himself into school this year. He’s given up his partying ways and he’s excelling at his nursing studies.
But every night I go to sleep and dream about Tobias. I dated a guy last year, but it turned out I was merely a conquest for him. You know, let’s bed the quiet girl and dump her ass.
Surprisingly, I handled it well. Elizabeth was impressed by how far I’ve come. I still see her about twice a month now. I’ve grown to realize she’ll probably never be out of my life. The frequency of my appointments with her will differ according to what’s happening in my world.
Azael has disappeared. He doesn’t make me want to cut. Don’t get me wrong, there are times I want to feel the blade, but I talk to Jared, Elizabeth, or Dad and the urge to harm passes quite quickly. I’m hoping soon it’ll be a thing of my past.
One day I’ll learn to love again. But for now, I’ll take baby steps toward finding someone.
Maybe I’m meant to be alone.
And I’m okay with that.
Chapter 25
Three years have gone by in a flash. Thankfully I don’t think of Tobias much any more. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still in my thoughts from time to time. Especially on the anniversary of Mrs. Richards death, but I can’t go back to those days. And I don’t want to either.
Those times were dark.
I was barely able to breathe, and for me, the only good things in my world were Dad, Jared, and Tobias. Two out three remain. And I’m grateful they have.
Tobias is gone. He’s probably settled down somewhere with some woman he loves. I wish him all the best. I really hope he’s happy.
I started seeing a guy about three months ago. His name is Marc, and he’s nice enough. He’s an art major here at CSU Sacramento, and we fit pretty well together. He has those typical artist looks, with shaggy blond hair, soulful brown eyes, and a slim build. He’s into poetry. I’m definitely not into poetry. I find it boring and most times I lose interest only a few lines in. But he treats me well. I like him, but I don’t love him. He’s too… I don’t know. He’s nice and all, but he’s no Tobias.
I should stop comparing them.
Maybe I’m not over Tobias.
God damn it, why can’t I forget him?
I think I need to see Elizabeth. I need to put Tobias behind me. I need to focus on my future, and not keep searching for something I’ll never have again.
Chapter 26
“Ivy, can I get you to meet me out at the client’s apartment? Standard photos for the sale?” Stephanie asks.
“What’s the address?” I put her on speaker and bring the ‘notes’ app up on my phone. Stephanie gives me the address and I write it down. The client’s house is three suburbs over, and I’ll need to take two of my cameras to capture this apartment. “When will you be there?”
“The client said we can come by any time this afternoon from three until six. He’s at college during those times.”
I look at the time on my phone, “That’s cutting it short. I can probably be there by five. I’m not home, I’m out on another shoot.”
“You’re doing well for yourself,” Stephanie says.
“Thank you,” I say. Since I finished college, I’ve had non-stop work. “I’ll see you at five.”
“Bye.”
I get back to the shoot I’m doing. I’ve been doing a lot of weddings, and I freelance for some magazines, too. I’d like to do more modeling photography, but it all takes time. I also like taking photos of scenery when I’m not working. I’ve been taking images of sunrises and sunsets from where ever I am. It’s calming for me. I particularly love taking photos of the stars. They’ve helped me heal.
The shoot I’m currently on is a pre-wedding shoot. The couple wants some candid and staged photos of themselves they can use to make their wedding invitations.
“Sorry for the interruption,” I say to Claudia. the bride.
“Not an issue, gave me a chance to touch up my lipstick.”
“If it’s any consolation, you’re stunning and these photos are making me jealous of you.” I smile at her.
Claudia is gorgeous. Her husband isn’t. But they look like the most in-love couple I’ve ever seen.
“Thank you.” Her eyes go to my tattoo and she stares at it. “I really like your tattoo,” she says as she eyes the rose wrapped around one of the scars from my suicide attempt.
“I used to be a cutter, and I hated this scar. I wanted to cover it, but then I decided I needed to honor it.”
She nods her head. “Remembering the past so you know how far you’ve come.” She talks as if she understands.
“That’s exactly right.”
“Believe me when I tell you, I know.”
“You do?” I ask, surprised. How could someone as beautiful as Claudia understand darkness?
“I did modeling work when I was younger and ended up with an eating disorder. I had boyfriends who’d tell me I was fat. Really nice-looking men too. But then I found Derrick, and he saw through that. He knew what I was doing before I admitted it to myself. He saw how I was mistreating my body to become what others wanted. He helped me find the courage to help myself. I know people don’t think he’s nice looking, but I don’t care what others think. Out of the two of us, I’m the lucky one.”
I chuckle to myself as I change the lens on my Nikon D850. “Isn’t that interesting?”
“What’s that?” Claudia asks.
“Here I was thinking what a perfect life you must have because you look so perfect.”
“I do have the perfect life, now. But only because of Derrick. I fell hard for him when he refused to give up on me. He’s been there every step of the way.”
“I’m not one to judge, but obviously, I did. I’m sorry.”
She laughs and gently smacks my arm. “We all judge to some degree. I’m sure you get judged all the time. You’ve got a tattoo, and some people still see them as distasteful, disrespectful, or even gang-related.”
“I suppose they do. But what they think of me isn’t my concern. People can judge all they like; their opinions mean nothing to me.”
“Good for you, Ivy. You know something most people spend a lifetime trying to figure out.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ve learned to have faith in yourself and screw what other people think.”
“I have, I guess.” I smile triumphantly to myself. Yeah, I have. “Okay, let’s get the perfect image.”
Claudia goes back to Derrick, and I coach them into a few natural poses that translate well to photos.
I pull up in front of the apartment building Stephanie asked me to photograph. It’s in a trendy, up and coming part of town. I’ve been thinking about renting somewhere down here. But Dad insists it’s not safe, so he doesn’t want me to move. It’s
a bit further for Jared to get to school too, so moving here may not be the best idea.
I take my camera bags from the passenger seat, and lock my car. I head into the apartment building, and hit the third-floor button in the elevator.
When I exit the elevator, Stephanie is already waiting outside the apartment. “Sorry Ivy, but you have to make it quick, I have to get to another client’s house.”
“I’m glad I didn’t become a real estate agent. You’re always in a hurry to leave.”
I head inside the client’s apartment, and put my camera bag down. “I sometimes regret it. Especially when I get phone calls at two in the morning from clients who decide they need to talk to me.”
“You get calls at two?” I question as I look around the room.
“You have no idea. Can I leave you? I need to go, I’m already late.”
“Sure,” I respond with a huff. “It’s not like you don’t leave me at other houses.”
“You’re a doll.” She throws me the keys, picks up her bag and heads for the door. “Drop them back at the office when you’re done. No lock box with this place.”
“I have to come back to the office?” I whine. Usually there’s a black box hanging somewhere safe so real estate agents can gain entry to show the property.
“He was specific, said no lock box.”
Rolling my eyes, I wave my hand to her. I hear a muffled ‘thank you’ from Stephanie as the door closes.
The apartment is neat, and ready to be sold. It seems the owner has already started packing, because it almost looks staged. There are no personal items anywhere. There are generic pictures of flowers on the walls, and a mirror in the narrow hallway. It’s a two-bedroom apartment, one is obviously used as the client’s bedroom, and the other as an office containing a crisp white desk and leather chair. There’s a small kitchen with an eat-in dining area and an adjoining living room.
This shouldn’t take long for me to photograph. I’ve been working for Stephanie for a while, and although photographing houses is borderline mundane, it pays the bills and helps me build a nest egg for when I’m ready to buy my own house.
Edge of Darkness Box Set Page 85