Edge of Darkness Box Set

by Margaret McHeyzer

“Then there’s your answer. You want to read it, but be prepared. No matter what’s written inside, it’s going to send you into an emotional turmoil.”

  My shoulders sink forward and I rub my temple. “I’m already there, Jared.”

  “Then take it. What you have going for you is you know where he lives. He has no idea where you live. Which means once you’re ready, you can reply to his letter, in person or via a letter. So really, you’re the one with the control here. Either way you look at it.”

  I breathe a little lighter, knowing what Jared’s said is right. “Okay. I’ll take it, but I won’t read it until I’m ready.”

  “I gotta go, class is about to start. Love ya, see you at home. By the way, I heard you say you’re making pasta tonight.”

  “No, I didn’t.”

  “Yeah, you did. And what’s that? You’re getting garlic bread too. Sure, if you insist.”

  I smile into the phone. “See you when you get home.” Hanging up, I gaze back over to the envelope. I pick it up, and it weighs as much as a brick. Figuratively.

  Sliding it into my back pocket, I’m so aware it’s there. “Okay, you can do this, Ivy. Just take the pictures and get out before he gets back here.”

  I take the remaining photos of the apartment for Stephanie. All the while, my head is completely pre-occupied with the letter in my pocket. I honestly have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t know if I’m going to read it, or if I’ll rip it up and throw it away.

  I check the pictures I’ve taken, making sure I get everything the way Stephanie likes. But I missed some of the bedroom, so I head back in there to take some more. Every sound is magnified as I listen for the front door.

  A bubble deep inside my stomach simmers away. The hairs on the back of my neck and my arms are at attention. I’m hyperaware of everything going on in this apartment. I can even hear the ding of the elevator as the door opens.

  It hits me hard. What if it’s Tobias who got off the elevator and he’s now heading here?

  Panic blankets me.

  I was fully prepared to see him here, but when he wasn’t, I was able to breathe. Now though, I’m struggling.

  There’s a jingle of keys, then a door opens. I stand, staring at the front door… waiting. The door that’s opening isn’t the one to this apartment. My stomach churns again.

  “Get a grip,” I scold myself.

  I sink on the sofa, and rub my palms over my face. I take several deep breaths before I finally pull myself together. I let out a nervous laugh. Shaking my head, I look around the apartment and notice a framed photo on the sideboard.

  I walk over to it, and pick it up. I don’t remember seeing any personal photos here yesterday. I quickly grab my camera and go over the photos I took from yesterday. Zooming in, I see the pictures on the sideboard. Obviously, I took no notice of them.

  Packing my camera away again, I head over to the sideboard. The picture is of Tobias and his mom. They’re standing on the inside of the apartment, which is bare of furniture. Tobias is dangling a key, while his mom is taking a selfie of the both of them.

  Clara is nowhere to be seen. I hope she’s okay. I’ve always liked Clara. She was raw and honest. I hope she’s still the same way.

  I place the framed photo back, and pick up one to the side, concealed by the one I was holding. It’s a photo of Tobias and me.

  Smiling, I gently rub my finger over his beautiful face. I remember this picture. He snapped it when we went for our picnic. We were happy together, even if I was battling my own demons.

  Tears well in my eyes, but I have to stay strong. I have to remember how Tobias left without as much as a ‘I have to leave.’ He packed up his life, and disappeared. Even changing his phone number and closing down his email. Tobias did this, not me.

  I place the photo back, faced down. I want him to know we’re over. And we don’t need to revisit the past. No one lives there anymore.

  I don’t look around any further. I’ve invaded his privacy enough, and there are no nostalgic memories I want to recall.

  Picking up my camera bag, I head out the door to the elevator. I press the button, and wait for it to ding open.

  Thankfully, the elevator is empty, and I slightly relax into the notion that I won’t be seeing Tobias today after all. But I won’t fully relax until I’m far away from here.

  The elevator doors open, and there, leaning against the opposite wall, is Tobias.

  Shit! I had a gut feeling I was going to see him. I was hoping to get away before he came back. But obviously, fate has decided to step in and ruin another day for me.

  I pull my shoulders back and move out of the elevator. Tobias sees me, and tries to offer me a smile. I ignore it, and keep walking.

  “Please,” he whispers in a barely audible voice. “Please, let me explain.”

  My stupid feet decide to stop. My mind wants to scream at them, but it appears I want to hear him out. “What?” I snap at him. Yes, I’m being horrible. But he broke my heart. He ruined me for any potential relationship because I expected every man to be perfect, like him, and he ruined me for every one of those who followed him.

  “Can we get some lunch and talk?”

  “You want a sit-down meal with me? You’re lucky I even stopped walking.”

  “I know. I’m so grateful you did stop. But I have to make this right, Ivy.”

  I raise my brows at him and purse my lips together. “You could’ve made it right before deciding to take off by saying goodbye. The only reason you want to make this right now is because you saw me yesterday. If it wasn’t me taking the photos of your apartment, you’d never come to find me.”

  “I’ve always known where you are,” he says.

  I step back and clutch at my head. “What are you saying, Tobias? You’ve been stalking me?”

  “No, not stalking. But I’ve been making sure you’re okay. I came to your graduation. I sat in the hall, watching you. I’ve never been prouder of anyone in my life.”

  “You were there?”

  “I was. I’ve never really gone anywhere.”

  I step forward, so does he. “You’ve been here the whole time?” I take another step forward.

  “Yes,” he says. I look up at him and can see the desperation in his eyes. “I’ve never left you.”

  A tear falls from my eye. I lift my hand and smack him across the face. “You bastard. You hurt me!” I scream at him. “You broke my heart by leaving me. But you kept watch over me? Well guess what—you’re off duty now. You have no right to be in my life.”

  I turn to leave the building, but he calls after me, “If you took the letter, please read it.”

  Bawling, I run to my car.

  He’s hurt me again. But this time, I walked into it.

  Chapter 28

  Ivy,

  I was a coward when I left you.

  Please, I need you to read to the end of this letter so you can understand why I did what I did.

  From a young age, I was battling my own demons. I thought I had it together and was living my life, but as it turns out, I wasn’t doing a good job at controlling the demon inside of me.

  I thought I was whole, and okay. But obviously, I wasn’t, or I wouldn’t have hit Jared. The moment I hit him, it killed me, because I realized how broken I still was.

  When I got home, I talked to Mom and Clara about what happened. They wanted me to stay and talk to you, but I couldn’t. I was ashamed for so many reasons.

  First, I hit my best friend. Jared has never been anything but kind and accepting to me. He and I built a great friendship, and I went and screwed it up by hitting him. I’ll forever regret how I treated him, especially considering I left without apologizing to him.

  My biggest regret was leaving you.

  But I knew I wasn’t ready to go where I wanted to with you. I wanted a lifetime, and I knew if I stayed it would’ve only been a few months.

  You were broken, and I was shattered. Two broken pieces don’t
make a whole. We would’ve been volatile, and unable to have a safe future when we were both still battling our own demons.

  So, I left. I knew I had to make myself better before I had any chance of a happy future with you. I had to confront my demons, stare them in the eye and deal with what happened.

  Walking away from you was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I was never too far from you.

  Even though I left, I was selfish in keeping an eye on you. I had to make sure you were okay.

  When I saw you at your graduation, my heart stopped. You were a vision, and looked so happy. I watched you walk across the stage, hesitate for a second before you accepted your diploma, then look out to the audience. I thought you were searching for me, I held onto hope that you wanted me to be there and you were missing me as much as I was missing you.

  I never gave up on us, Ivy. I had to make sure I was healthy in my mind so we could live a happy life. I knew there was no way we could work long-term if I couldn’t get my head right.

  When I left, I found a psychologist who worked with me intensively. He specializes in what I’ve been through, and he’s helped me so much. I’m not anywhere near whole yet, but I’m in a better place than I’ve ever been before.

  When I saw you yesterday, every moment, every touch, every single kiss we shared came flooding back, and I knew I couldn’t stay away from you anymore. I need you back in my life. I need you. I can’t be without you anymore.

  I’ve worked hard on getting my head right, and I know now I’m strong enough for whatever comes my way. Our way.

  I left because I wanted to be able to give you the best of me. It’s the least you deserve., I wasn’t able to do that then, but now I can. I can give you the best version of me. Please, just meet me for coffee. I need to have a chance with you. I know I have to work on us again, and I’m willing to spend the rest of my life proving it to you.

  I want to beg you for a second chance, but I doubt you think I deserve one. And that’s fair, especially considering how I left you once before. All I hope, for now, is that you will have a coffee with me. Let me tell you why I left face-to-face.

  Please.

  I hope to hear from you soon.

  I love you.

  T.

  I’ve barely slept. I read the letter hours ago, and I’ve been tossing and turning all night. Two nights in a row, my thoughts have been completely consumed by Tobias. I stare up at the ceiling, the muted light of the moon reflecting on the shiny objects in my room.

  Standing from my bed, I head over to the window and gaze up to the sky. I let out a small chuckle. It’s funny how the stars are always here when I need them most. Sometimes I feel like they can sense when I’m at my most vulnerable and are ready to care for me.

  “You’re here,” I say to them. They respond in the regal, proud, sparkling way they always do. “Should I give him another chance?” They twinkle happily above the world.

  I crinkle my brows together, and think about his letter. His words are terrifying. Not the part where he says he loves me, I’ve always known he’s loved me. Not even the part where he says he thought I was searching for him at my graduation, because the day I received my diploma, I did stop on the stage and look out at the audience. Dad was front and center, and clapping so loudly; but I was looking for Tobias. I sensed that he’d be in the audience. But I never saw him.

  Those aren’t the words that hold the most amount of terror to them. Nope, those, I can handle.

  The word he’s said which absolutely scares the shit out of me, is the one word I can relate to on a deeper and more personal level.

  Demon.

  I knew Tobias had secrets; I’ve always known. But he’s used a word I can not only identify with, but I can apply to the way my life was.

  My demon will always be in my life. But over the years with Elizabeth, I’ve discovered how to manage him. There may come a time when medication is needed, and I’m completely prepared for that. But for now, I’m dealing with it more holistically.

  Tobias’s use of the word “demon” has me intrigued. I’m not sure I can give him another chance, but he deserves the opportunity to explain himself to me.

  I jump to my feet and flick my light on. I’m not going to get any sleep tonight. This letter will swirl around in my mind all night. The ‘what-if’ scenarios will manifest and I’ll get myself worked up to the point where I’ll need to see Elizabeth.

  I need to take control of my life.

  Throwing on some jeans and a t-shirt, I slip my feet into a pair of sport shoes, grab my keys and head out of the apartment.

  I’m in my car in a matter of minutes, and driving toward Tobias’s apartment. My brain starts fighting with me.

  He won’t be there.

  He’s with another woman.

  He doesn’t want to see you.

  I ignore my head, and keep driving.

  I reach his apartment, and see someone leaving his building the moment I get to the door. I slink inside, and make my way to the third floor. I have no idea if he’s here, but I have to try. I can’t wait.

  I start knocking on his door, getting louder with each passing second.

  The door opens, and Tobias is standing in front of me, shirtless, and sleepy. “Ivy? What are you doing here?” he asks as he ushers me inside.

  “I have to know,” I reply standing just inside the doorway.

  “Know what?” he closes the door, and scrubs his hand over his sleepy face.

  “Your demons. What are they?”

  He takes in a sharp breath and takes a step backward. His shoulders drop as he nods to himself. “I’ll make us coffee.” He takes another step back, but this time, I’m over having to wait.

  “No! No fucking coffee. No fucking lies. Just tell me, Tobias. You said the word ‘demons’ and I need to know right now what you mean.”

  “Ivy…” He shakes his head and looks away.

  The tension is growing inside my belly. I want to scream at him and make him tell me what he means. Everything inside me tightens more with every breath I take. “I can’t do this again. Either you tell me, or I leave.”

  The silence between us is deafening. It echoes in my ears. A sharp pinging pierces my eardrums. I’m waiting… anticipating what he’s going to say.

  Tobias’s shoulders rise and fall quickly. His taut chest is expanding and contracting with his breathing. “It started when I was four,” he finally says in a flat voice.

  “What started when you were four?” I question.

  “I was four when my father started to groom me.”

  In front of me is a man who is damaged. The words coming from his mouth are weak and pained, and so damn raw. My heart hurts for him. Every hair on my body stands at attention as a cold wave smashes into my body. “Tobias…” I whisper.

  Chapter 29

  “How do you drink your coffee?” he asks as I sit at his kitchen counter.

  Staring at him, I’m speechless at the admission he’s dropped on me. I always knew we shared a darkness, but I never thought his was something as monumental as sexual abuse. “Cream and one sugar.”

  He turns his back to me, and continues making our coffees. “I can feel your eyes burning into me.”

  “I’m sorry,” I reply and look away. “It’s just I never thought you were… I mean how you were… shit, Tobias, I don’t know what to say.”

  He brings over my coffee and sits on the opposite side of the counter. His bed-rumpled hair is sticking up in all different directions. But I notice how his eyes are shadowed by something I can’t quite put my finger on. “There’s really nothing you can say. But if you have questions, I’ll answer them. I want to be completely transparent to you, Ivy. I’ve put you through hell; it’s the least I can do now.” He takes a sip of his coffee, and I find myself still staring at him. When he puts his mug down, he takes a deep breath and says, “This isn’t a way to win you back, it’s a way for me to finally tell you about my past and clear the
heaviness between us.”

  Nodding my head, I lift the mug, blow on it and take a sip. When I set it down, I try to get all the questions right in my head before I ask him anything. “I don’t want to know any specifics about the act itself.”

  “Acts,” he corrects. My stomach churns with nausea. Tears spring to my eyes, but I hold it together.

  “How long did it go on for?”

  “Until I was nine.”

  “Oh man,” I mumble and look away from him. My heart is bleeding and ripping into tiny shreds. “How…?” My voice dwindles to quiet. I don’t even know what to ask.

  “He started when I was four. But at first it wasn’t full-on,” he says without saying anything graphic. “He made it into a game. And he always told me this is how adults show love. And he loved me so much.”

  “That was so… wrong.” Nausea sits in my stomach.

  “He told me it was our special secret, and not to tell anyone else because they didn’t love me as much as he did. They’d try to take me away from him.”

  “And you had no reason not to believe him, because he was your father.”

  “I thought it was normal for him to do what he did to me. He was so careful though. He was a pillar of the community. No one suspected it. After all, he was an upstanding family man. But at night, he’d become the monster every kid is scared of.”

  “You were frightened by him?”

  “No, I wasn’t. But when it all came out, I realized how demonic he actually was. He groomed me. Told me no one would believe me if I told. Told me this is how families show love. He already had my trust, and he manipulated that.”

  “Tobias.” I reach out for his hand, but he picks up his coffee and takes another sip.

  “As I got older, he made it more ‘fun.’” He’s not looking at me, I don’t think he can. His eyes fill with tears, but he’s pushing through this. “I thought it was normal. I thought this is how we show love.”

  I place my hand to my heart, absolutely appalled by Tobias’s father. How can a man do such horrible things to his own child? To any child?