Edge of Darkness Box Set

by Margaret McHeyzer

“He… um… he’d buy me presents and tell me it’s because I was his special little boy.”

  “He paid you off for your silence,” I say.

  Tobias nods his head, and wipes at his tears. “He felt better when he’d buy me something. Almost like it justified what he was doing to me.”

  “Oh, man,” I sigh, sorrow lacing my voice.

  “I still remember the waft of stale cigar smoke. It had a heavy stench to it, and it still makes my stomach roll whenever I smell it.”

  “This is so screwed up.”

  He nods his head. “We’d go out to the movies as a family, and I’d watch him hold Mom’s hand and wonder why he’d do that when he’d tell me how much he loved me. Then I’d watch him kiss her, and wonder if he liked kissing her as much as he liked kissing me.” Tobias wipes more tears away. “I was jealous of my own Mom. I remember looking at her and thinking, ‘why is she so special?’”

  Bile rises to the back of my throat. I feel sick listening to this. “How did it stop?” I don’t want to know anymore, but I need to let Tobias tell me everything he’s prepared to say.

  A small smile lifts the right side of his lips. “Clara,” he says.

  “Clara? How?”

  “She came over to the house for a visit, and she wanted to take a selfie with me. She’s the original selfie queen,” he adds with mirth.

  “I still don’t get how she’s involved.”

  “I sat on her lap, and I was in pain because… well… you know,” he says. I nod my head, I do know. “When I sat on her lap, I winced because I was hurting and she asked me what I’d done to myself. At first I refused to tell her, but she’s one clever woman. She started asking me questions, but not invasive ones. And I ended up telling her because of the way in which she was asking me questions. It wasn’t an interrogation, it was a question here and there. I remember she took me out for an ice cream, and as we sat at the table she asked me if dad ever told me how special I was. When I told her what dad would say to me, she smiled and winked and told me I was an awesome kid.”

  “What happened from there?”

  “We kept talking, and I told her the secret dad wanted me to keep. I told her everything. She never reacted in front of me. She didn’t make me feel like it was wrong or I was bad. We just talked. We talked for a long time. She even bought me another ice cream. I know now she was getting all the information she needed from me, without frightening me.”

  “Did she go to the police with what you said?”

  Tobias half-chuckles. “Not right away,” he says. I tilt my head in a questioning way. “She beat the ever-loving shit out of him first.”

  “Oh my God,” I say. “I should be shocked, but I’m actually not.”

  “Put him in hospital. She also broke his penis.”

  “Wait… what? I want to ask how, but I don’t want the answer at the same time.”

  “A baseball bat.”

  I close my legs on instinct. But I must admit, it served him right. “What happened next?”

  “She called my Mom and told her what happened, then called the police and told them to come arrest her for beating up her son.”

  “Wait, Clara is your dad’s mom? I thought she was your mom’s mom.”

  He shakes his head at me. “Nope, she’s his mom.”

  “Just give me a moment. I need to wrap my head around all of this.” I lift my lukewarm coffee and take a mouthful. This is a lot to comprehend. Tobias’s faraway gaze speaks volumes. He’s recalling the worst part of his life, opening his heart, and telling me everything. That’s got to be difficult. “What happened from there?”

  “Clara was arrested. Dad was taken to the hospital and an investigation started.”

  “You were subjected to questions about the relationship your father had with you.”

  “Yeah. They had a psychologist who worked with the police, and she talked to me. She made me feel safe, and that whatever I told her wasn’t going to get me in trouble. She was my first dealing with a mental health professional. Obviously, I had no idea then what was happening, but I’ve since recognized who she was and what she was doing.”

  “And Clara?”

  “She was arrested, and was found guilty of aggravated assault. But the judge gave her a suspended sentence and let her go.”

  “And your father?”

  “He’s still in jail. Not eligible for parole for another year.”

  “That’s a lengthy sentence. Although, in my opinion it’s not long enough, he should be in there for life.”

  “His sentence is long because, as it turns out, I wasn’t the only boy. And he had close to ten thousand images of other kids on his computer.”

  The vomit inches closer to making its exit. “This makes me sick to my core.”

  Tobias diverts his gaze as he nods his head. “I know, it’s disgusting.”

  “It truly is.” I pick my now-cold coffee up and take another sip. I’ve been so invested in Tobias’s story that the coffee is only quarter finished and cold. “That’s why you hit Jared that night.”

  “I didn’t mean to. I knew he was kidding, but I just lost it and hit him. I knew what I did was wrong. I felt like the worst person in the world when I hit him. I regretted it the moment I did it. But I couldn’t change how I reacted.”

  “But that still doesn’t tell me why you left. You packed up and disappeared.”

  He lifts his head and looks straight into my eyes. “Because I felt like I was drowning, and I couldn’t take you down with me.”

  Realization stuns me. I can’t relate to what his father did to him, but I can relate to feeling like you’re so far under the water that you’ll never be able to lift your head above it to take a breath again.

  Drowning.

  A feeling so deeply ingrained in my soul that I can completely understand. This explains his need to protect me. We were both fighting for air.

  More tears fall from my eyes. Tobias wipes his away. He stands from his seat, lifts his chin, and pulls his shoulders back. “I’ll understand if you want to leave,” he says.

  “Why would I leave?” I ask.

  “Because you just said it’s sickening. I know it’s shameful, and trust me, I still struggle with it myself. I can only imagine what you’re thinking. How revolting I am.”

  I stand and make my way to him. I step into him, hugging him around the waist. “You were only a child, and he was a predator. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This isn’t on you, Tobias. This is on him. He was the adult who used your love to get what he wanted.”

  His arms come around me, returning my hug. He feels so right against my body. “I’ve struggled with this all my life. And when I found you, I didn’t know how to tell you. I was dead inside, Ivy. Dead. I wasn’t breathing, I wasn’t living, I was merely getting by. I knew we were meant to be together. But that night, something inside me snapped. It was a combination of you telling Jared and me about your demon and knowing I couldn’t do anything to protect you from him, and Jared making jokes about me that pushed me over the edge. I knew the moment I hit him, I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t going to get out of this alive. And I couldn’t let you down. But as it turns out, that’s exactly what I did. I slunk away in the middle of the night like a coward. I let you down regardless of what I wanted.”

  “If you had explained, none of this would’ve happened.”

  “That’s another thing I’ve struggled with too. But in all honesty, we were different people back then. You were dealing with your own things, I was dealing with mine. I couldn’t tell you. I was so embarrassed.”

  I remember not being able to tell him about my cutting when I was in the hospital, even though it put our relationship at risk. Stepping out of the hug, I search his eyes and can only see the hurt and shame he’s experiencing. His eyes are dull and pleading, not the usual deep, rich, dark brown I know.

  “Maybe you’re right. Maybe my reaction would’ve been different. But you took that away from me, without giving me a cha
nce.”

  “I know. I didn’t treat you like an equal. I thought I knew what was best for both of us. But in reality, I was only looking out for myself. I get it, Ivy, I really do. And I’m so sorry for that. I shouldn’t have taken your choice away from you. At the time, it was the only thing I could think of doing. It’s not an excuse. I was too young, with too much emotional baggage. I didn’t know how to handle things; I couldn’t see clearly.”

  “How do I know you won’t take off again if the going gets rough?”

  “You don’t. You just have to have faith in me.”

  I’m not sure what to do. “Give me some time, Tobias. I need to talk to my psychologist, Elizabeth, and try to figure out what’s going on in my head.” His mouth drops at the edges, I can see his disappointment. “It’s got nothing to do with what you’ve told me. What happened to you is tragic at best, and crushing at worst. I need some time to think about everything.”

  He nods and adds with a false smile. “Of course,” he says. “I understand.”

  I take my keys out of my pocket and dangle them off my fingers. Turning to leave, I stop before I make it to the door. Turning back, I smile at this broken Tobias. I’ve caught the anguish flooding off him. “Tobias,” I say snapping him out of the trance-like stare.

  “Yeah?” he responds plastering the fake smile on his face again.

  “Thank you, for telling me and trusting me with it. I promise, I won’t repeat it to anyone.”

  “You’ll need to tell your psychologist. And I’m okay with that.”

  Drawing my brows together, I try and shake the heavy feeling off. But I can’t. This is huge. We’ve made a monumental step toward a better future for us if we get back together again. I take the few steps toward him, and give him a soft kiss on the cheek. “You look really good, Tobias,” I say and back away.

  This time the smile reaches his eyes. “You’ve always been beautiful to me,” he returns.

  Leaving his apartment is hard. I want to stay and talk more, but I know this is going to screw with my head and might send me into a tail-spin. I need to get to Elizabeth, and fast.

  Ivy. Azael calls for me.

  Shit, I thought I had him under control.

  Nope, not gonna happen. You’re not going to lure me in the way you used to. I’m stronger now and I will fight you and I will win.

  Chapter 30

  “Ivy, how are you?” Elizabeth asks as I head into her office and take my favorite seat. In the corner there’s a large blue cushion on the floor.

  “I saw Tobias last night.”

  Elizabeth sits in her seat, takes her writing pad out and starts making notes. “How did you see him?”

  “I had an assignment taking photos of an apartment a couple of days ago, and he showed up. I didn’t know it was his apartment.”

  “How did you feel?”

  “Angry, hurt, shaky. Last night I went to see him again. Man, it’s hard to explain. He left me a letter when I went back to finish the job, and then…” I’m getting lost in my train of thought and jumping all around the place.

  “Back up a moment, Ivy. When was the first time you saw him again?”

  “Two days ago. I had to take photos of this apartment, and my boss had to leave. She left me the keys, and told me to take them back to the office. As I was taking the pictures, I heard the front door open and I thought it was my boss, you know-, maybe she’d forgotten something. As it turns out, it was Tobias.”

  “What happened when you first saw him?”

  “So many emotions and feelings came flooding back. I was angry, and happy, and excited, and sad, all rolled together. It confused me. He tried to apologize, and at that stage I became so angry at him, because he hurt me in the past, that I took off. I didn’t want to be there to hear him out.”

  “Where did you go?”

  “Home, and I told Jared about it. He’s a lot more forgiving than I am.”

  “We’ll come back to this. But after all that, how did you see him again yesterday too?”

  “I had to finish taking the pictures. So I went and took them, and I saw an envelope he’d left addressed to me. I struggled with whether I should take it or not. A part of me wanted to know what it said, and another part of me wanted to tell Tobias to go screw himself. To tell him he doesn’t get another chance with me, because I don’t want to have my heart ripped out of my chest again.”

  “What happened? Did you take the letter?”

  I stare at my sneakers, and play with the laces. “I took it. But then I ran into him as I was leaving. And I slapped him and called him a coward. He begged me to read the letter. On principal I was going to rip it up and throw it away, but I ended up reading it.”

  “What did it say?”

  I slide it out of my back pocket, stand and hand it to her. “You can read it yourself.” She daintily crosses her legs, and slides the letter out of the envelope. I go to sit on my cushion, and nervously chew on my thumb nail. I watch her eyes as she reads the letter, she’s remaining impassive and not saying anything about the letter.

  She gets to the end and lifts her brows, before folding it up, sliding it back into the envelope and passing it back to me.

  “What did you think when you were reading this?”

  “He used a word I’m more than familiar with.” Elizabeth looks over her glasses at me. “Demons. He used the words demons. When I finished reading it, I wanted to still be angry at him. But my curiosity was stronger. I needed to know what his demons were… or are.”

  “How do you feel that he was at your graduation and didn’t come to say anything to you?”

  “Deep down inside I knew he was there, or maybe I hoped he was.”

  “Yes, we talked about this when you graduated. You did say to me you thought he was in the audience. But, that’s not an answer to my question.”

  “If I’m being honest with myself, I’d say I was hurt.” I stand to my feet and start pacing inside her roomy office. My shoes scuff along the cushy carpet, and I try to form any type of cognitive reasoning to my thoughts. “I had to know what he meant by demons. I debated going to his house, but I went anyway. I got there just after two-thirty this morning.”

  “Was he home? I know you said he’s selling, but it doesn’t mean he’d be there.”

  “He was home. He opened the door, and I asked him. I told him I didn’t want to be kept in the dark any longer, and to tell me everything.”

  “What happened.”

  “He told me. He told me all about his demons.”

  Elizabeth takes her glasses off and folds them. “How do they relate to yours?” Elizabeth hasn’t come right out and asked me exactly what his demons are. She has to tread carefully because they’re another person’s secrets and not mine, I suppose.

  “He was sexually abused by his father from a very young age.”

  “And how did you feel when he told you?”

  “Sad. Angry. Hurt. Sick. He explained to me why he left when he did. He said it was because he felt like he was drowning and he knew he wasn’t dealing with his past, even though he thought he had. I can understand it. I was angry when he left, and I had been angry about it ever since. But now I understand why he did.”

  “Why do you think he left?”

  “I told you, because he hadn’t dealt with his past.”

  “No, that’s what Tobias told you. I want to know why you think he left?”

  I stop pacing, and sit on my cushion. This is a hard one. I know what he told me, and I completely believe him, but I need to interpret it so I understand it completely. “I think he left because he was scared, and ashamed. He didn’t want to tell me about his father because my reaction might not have been something he could handle. And remember, he left just after the night I told him about Azael and my cutting. He left because he was afraid I was going to let him down if he told me about his past. And even if I say I wouldn’t have let him down, maybe at that stage I would’ve. I was messed up myself,” I admit.
“I was seriously messed up, Elizabeth.”

  “That’s not a technical term I like to use.” She smiles and winks at me. “But yes, you had things happening you were starting to recognize.”

  I stare at the floor again. Entranced by the noise in my head. “He came back last night too.” The moment I speak the sentence, I know Elizabeth knows who I’m talking about.

  “How did you respond to him?”

  “He tried to snare me. But I knew what he was doing, and I didn’t let him in.”

  “Well done. What did you do to block him?”

  “I went home and used the breathing techniques you taught me. I got rid of him easily, but I think I may need to look at medication if he comes back any stronger. I don’t want to go back to where I was.”

  “We can arrange that. Let’s take one step at a time.”

  I nod my head, deep in thought, staring at the carpet again.

  The rest of my time with Elizabeth is spent talking about Tobias and what I want to do. When I walk out of her office, I feel like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I’m so glad I made my emergency appointment, because I’m unsure I’d be strong enough to handle this on my own.

  But, I’m still undecided about Tobias. I suppose, this is a decision only I can make.

  I’m going to have to think on it before I leap into anything.

  The problem is, my soul misses him, and my heart beats for him.

  And I’m still in love with him.

  Chapter 31

  “Thank you for agreeing to do this, Jared.”

  Jared looks up from the setting the table and gives me a cheeky smile. “You’re on dish duty for the next month. Good exchange if you ask me. I let you bring Tobias over, and I get out of doing dishes.”

  Walking over to him, I give him a hug. Jared would do anything for me. And when I asked him if it was okay for Tobias to come over for dinner, I could see in his eyes how he just wants me to be happy. “Thank you,” I say as I cuddle into his tall, skinny frame.

  He kisses the top of my head and hugs me back. “I’m expecting an apology from him.”