If I Only Knew

by Corinne Michaels

  Chapter Nineteen

  Danielle

  “So you burst out screaming at the defendant?” Heather asks while pouring a glass of wine.

  “Yup.”

  “Not your finest moment, huh?” Kristin giggles as she tucks her legs under her butt.

  I roll my eyes. “Obviously not.”

  “Well, I can’t say I blame you, Danni. You’ve been holding in a lot of crap and trying to pretend life is great,” Heather’s voice is full of compassion.

  I don’t know what else to say at this point. If I cry too much, I feel like a burden. If I don’t break down, I’m too strong. There’s no right way to handle things.

  “I’m not pretending anything. I’m dealing with my life the best I can. Am I a little overwhelmed? Yeah. I mean, my teenager is a freaking lunatic, Parker asked about his father again, I’m working full time and trying to pay bills, and I’m going to be fucking forty in three months.” I pull my hair up into a pony tail. “Oh, I also kissed Milo,” I blurt out.

  Might as well get this over with.

  Both of them sit their glasses on the table and then look at each other with their jaws hanging open. “This just got interesting.” Heather says.

  “Yes, because me screaming like a maniac in court wasn’t ridiculous enough?”

  Kristin shrugs. “She means the good shit.”

  “I know what she means, “I huff.

  Nicole opens the door and then knocks. “Hey, sorry I’m late. I couldn’t get Colin to sleep and God knows I’d get a hundred phone calls if I tried to leave him with his—” She stops talking, taking in the room. “—what the hell is going on here?”

  “Danielle kissed Milo.”

  She smirks at me. “Oh, I know all about that. Callum caught them in her office. Naughty girl. I hope you have some dirty desk sex while you’re at it.”

  I drop my head in my hands. “I can’t with you people.”

  Nicole laughs. “Did you think he wasn’t going to tell me? He said it was super uncomfortable to watch. That you were all panting and shit and Milo was super anxious through lunch. It seems you like a little British action too. Oh!” she yells and claps her hands. “We’ll be legit sisters!”

  Kristin bursts out laughing. “All of our dreams right there. Being sisters with the nutcase of the group.”

  “Please,” Nicole huffs. “You wish you had me as a sister.”

  Heather giggles. “We wish we could erase the years you thought you were our sister.”

  My friends are absolutely insane. There’s never been a doubt about this, but I’m not marrying anyone. Hell, Milo and I kissed—twice. That’s it.

  “I think everyone needs to simmer down a bit. It was a mistake, okay? I’m clearly having a midlife crisis of sorts and this is just me . . . not handling it well.”

  “Or you’re finally getting a second chance at things,” Kristin suggests.

  “The fairy tale mentality is gone for me, Kris.”

  “Right, because when I was considering going for Noah you were so pessimistic?”

  She was a totally different story. Her husband spent years making her small and insignificant. He shit on her and she deserved to be happy again. I wasn’t miserable in my marriage when Peter was killed.

  “It’s different and you know it. How can any of you even think this is a good, juicy story? My husband . . .”

  “Don’t even,” Nicole cuts in. “Your husband was not our favorite person and you know it. Peter got better the last two years, but let’s be real, even you fucking hated his ass for a long time. You almost divorced him how many times? Don’t use Peter as your get out of love card.”

  “Really, Nic?” Heather playfully slaps her arm.

  “I didn’t think lying to each other is the way we do things in this group.”

  Nicole looks at me and waits for me to say something. No, she’s right, in this group we don’t hold back and we don’t lie to each other. We’re honest no matter what and after our feelings are hurt and we act like the bitches we are, we hug it out and move on. Nicole never liked Peter.

  Kristin does what she does best and tries to smooth it over. “You know that I loved Peter like a brother, right?”

  I nod.

  “Okay, then hear me with an open heart. Loving someone in the past doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love in the future, Danni. Maybe this thing will have been a make-out session. Maybe you’ll kiss him again and then walk away. But what if it’s not? What if he’s more? What if Milo is your next real love, but you weren’t brave enough to see?”

  I try to hear what she’s saying. Somewhere inside of me, I want to be at peace with it. Peter wouldn’t want me to spend my life alone. He wouldn’t want our kids to not have a man to look up to and even love his children. That’s not how we felt about things. I don’t know that Milo would ever be his choice.

  Or if he’s mine.

  “Can we not talk about this?”

  “Nope.” They all answer in unison.

  Saw that one coming.

  “Here’s the thing, we kissed two times. Two. That’s it. Milo has pretty much told me in no uncertain terms that he’s not a relationship guy. His own brother doesn’t think that highly of him.”

  Nicole raises her hand. “In Milo’s defense, Callum can be a little judgmental. He didn’t exactly see the jewel I am until I pretty much forced him.”

  “Yes, you’re a fucking diamond,” Heather laughs. “Or maybe cubic zirconia . . .”

  “And fuck you, I’m every stone there is because we’re all perfect. However, we’re not talking about me, here. We’re talking about Danielle and her disaster of a love life.”

  “How noble of you to allow me to have the floor,” I roll my eyes.

  “You’re welcome. Please, continue,” Nicole instructs.

  I ignore her theatrics because, it’s how she always is. Heather and Kristin are watching me and I throw my hands up with a huff. “I’m just saying that you’re all acting like Milo is the guy. He’s just a guy.”

  I don’t know how to make it any clearer for them.

  Sure, I like Milo. I won’t deny that or the fact that I think about him all the goddamn time. And yes, he’s been there for me in ways that have surprised me. Which is probably why I feel this warmth towards him.

  And I’m not too proud to admit that he’s shown me this sweet side to him that he keeps hidden so well, one that I want to see more of.

  Or that he kisses really freaking good.

  It doesn’t matter that I get nervous when he comes around or that the sound of his voice does things to me. None of that is relevant because Milo and I are nothing. I’m his boss and he’s my assistant.

  That’s it.

  I’m not going to keep picturing his perfect green eyes, the scruff on his face, or how much I love being wrapped in his arms.

  Nope. I’m done with that. I’m a strong woman and I can control my thoughts and feelings.

  It’s not a big deal that all I want is to be in his arms some days. It’s only because he smells so good and I like cologne. Not that he’s strong, confident, makes me feel like I matter when he wraps me tight.

  Nope.

  None of that is the reason.

  “Hello!” Kristin waves her hand in front of my face. “Did you hear a word we said?”

  Shit. I wasn’t even aware they were talking. I rack my brain to see if somewhere I was able to pick up on something. The word “hope” stands out so I try that.

  “Yeah, you said . . . to hope or maybe . . .” It’s clear they’re not buying that.

  “Oh, I know that face,” Heather giggles. “That’s the she’s-got-it-bad look. You know, when you can’t focus on the world around you because some guy is taking up all your headspace?”

  “Yup,” Nicole tosses a kernel of popcorn at me.

  Kristin shrugs. “I’ve seen it before, too.”

  “You guys suck!”

  “Tell me that you feel nothing for Milo,” Kris
tin demands. “And don’t you dare try to lie.”

  “I . . . I feel . . . I can’t say it.”

  Heather gets up, sits beside me, and takes my hand. “You are allowed to feel again. You’re allowed to have another chance at love. You’re allowed to date, have sex, make bad choices because you’re a smart woman. Losing Peter was horrible, and I was really happy when you guys found a way through the shit you were going through. When he was killed, I mourned with you and for you, but that doesn’t mean the rest of your life is over. Not by a long shot.”

  I nod. “It just feels so soon.”

  She smiles. “Look at all of us, my friend. I was married. Kristin was married and fell in love with Noah before her divorce was final, and did you judge her?”

  “Of course not,” I say quickly. “That was different, and we know it. Scott deserved to be shot, Peter didn’t.”

  Kristin snorts. “Ain’t that the truth.”

  “Preach!” Nicole lifts her hands up.

  “Still,” Heather says softly. “We all had to go through losing our first love, the guy we were meant to be with forever and learn to let that go. Nicole is the only one who didn’t marry hers, but she still lived a spinster life with threesomes until Callum came around.”

  “God, I miss double penetration,” Nicole sighs before drinking her wine.

  Heather and Kristin shake their heads. “Point is,” Heather huffs. “We all found a love greater than we knew before. I’m not saying Milo will or won’t be, but the fact that you’re this conflicted tells me he’s special, Danni. I would trust that gut feeling because if you lose him, how much will that hurt?”

  I don’t answer right away because the pain I feel in my chest is growing. I don’t want to lose him, I just don’t know if I’m ready to open myself to love again.

  “If I never have him, it won’t hurt at all.”

  “True,” Kristin says. “But can you sit here now, think of him with another woman, and not want to claw that bitch’s eyes out?”

  I think back to Kandi and shake my head. “No.”

  “Then there’s your answer.”

  Nicole smiles. “Yup. Fuck his brains out and fall in love. It’s really the only answer to your problems.”

  We all start to laugh and my friends do what they do best . . . drive me nuts and force me to recount every detail of the two kisses we shared.

  “Look at how brilliant I am,” Milo says as he enters my office with papers.

  He has a huge smile and is strutting like a peacock would preen. It’s cute . . . dammit. Not cute. No, annoying, dumb, or any other negative adjective because that’s what Milo is. Under no circumstances is he cute, amazing, wonderful, a great kisser, has a great ass, oh, and that accent . . .

  Damn it.

  There I go again.

  I clear my throat as he grins at me. “What did you do that has you so happy? Get a puppy? Roast a child over an open fire?”

  “Funny. Tell me first, sweetheart. Tell me that I’m the most brilliant man in the world.”

  I lean back in my chair, waiting for hell to freeze over.

  “Not going to happen,” I laugh. “I make it a point not to lie if I can avoid it.”

  “This will change your mind.” Milo places the paper in front of me with Darren’s signature.

  “You got the permit?”

  “We damn sure got the permit.”

  “It’s signed?”

  He smirks. “Signed, sealed, and delivered, baby.”

  “You’re sure? You didn’t forge it or something?”

  He shakes his head. “Absolutely not. We’ve had our walk-through inspection and are fully permitted to build. It’s one hundred percent done.”

  I get to my feet, taking the papers in my hand and read them aloud. “Darren Wakefield approves the plans to have Dovetail Enterprises break ground and then it’s signed,” my voice gets higher as I continue.

  We did it.

  We really did.

  That crazy ass scheme of his worked and we got the permits.

  “See?”

  “Milo!” I yell and rush toward him. “I can’t believe this!”

  He catches me in his arms and twirls me around. It’s been hell with this freaking permit, but we did it.

  “Believe it, sweetheart. Now, say the words . . .”

  Darren continued his games after the inspection, holding us in limbo for the last few days, but we got it. Callum is going to be so relieved and I might actually get to keep my job. All because of Milo and his crazy plan that actually panned out.

  “You really came through for me, Milo,” I smile at him as he sets me down. “You’re amazing and brilliant and whatever else you want to hear.”

  “No, you are.” Milo winks at me and I suddenly realize how inappropriate that was.

  After my wine-fest with my friends, I made a promise that until Milo and I talked, I would not allow myself the opportunity to cross any lines. I’m not a sleep-around girl. I don’t do one-night things. I need stability, rules, definitions in relationships, and someone I can count on.

  That talk taught me that I can’t function in disfunction.

  Milo is the epitome of that. He’s reckless, spontaneous, lives his life without rules and that works for him, but that will never be how I operate.

  I take a step back, but he follows me.

  “I appreciate all your help getting this done for the team. We needed this win, and you brought it home for Dovetail,” I say, trying to slip back into boss and employee mode.

  “I don’t give a fuck about Dovetail.”

  My heart begins to race as Milo takes another step closer. He’s stalking me, and I’m trapped with nowhere to go.

  “Okay, well, whatever your motives were, thank you.”

  “I did it for you,” he says as his body is almost touching mine.

  I can’t think when he’s this close and says things like that. It makes it too hard to remember that we can’t go there.

  “Don’t say that.” I turn my head to the side.

  “It’s the truth.”

  Our eyes meet and I want so badly for this to be another time in my life. One where I wasn’t worried about everything and all my stupid rules. I would let him whisk me away to the kind of world he lives in. Why can’t I have what I want? Will I ever allow myself a chance to live and not be worried about everyone else? No. I won’t. So all the other questions . . .

  My heart races as I answer myself and tell him, “It doesn’t matter.”

  “The fuck it does matter. I did it for you. I didn’t do it for Callum or this silly job he’s trying to teach me a lesson with. I don’t give a damn about any of it.”

  “Why?”

  “Why do you think, Danielle?”

  I try to move out of his grasp but he cages me in. “I don’t know what to think. It doesn’t make sense.”

  “I know.”

  My chest rises and falls as my breathing becomes labored. “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that I have feelings for you. That no matter how many times I tell myself you’re off limits, I find myself wanting to touch you.” He lifts his hand slowly, pushing the strand of hair that fell in my eye.

  “We’re not kissing again,” I say. “Not until we talk about all of this and come up with some plan.”

  Milo grins, his lips brush against my ear and I shiver. “Who said anything about kissing?”

  Chapter Twenty

  Milo

  I’m a bastard.

  I’m a selfish bastard but I can’t seem to fucking care.

  Her lips part and desire swims in her blue eyes as she tries to fight it. Watching her like this is reason enough to keep going.

  “I’m saying we can’t kiss,” her voice is soft and there’s no conviction in her words. Her body moves toward me, even though there’s very little space left to go, and I know she wants to kiss me.

  I glide my finger down her neck, loving the silky feel of her skin. She’s
absolutely breathtaking right now.

  All day I watched her walk around in her pencil skirt with her white blouse that I could see through with the right light. I thought about tearing it open, watching the buttons fall around us as I sunk my cock in her. Each time she sighed, I imagined her lying beneath me as I dragged different sounds from those plump lips.

  If she keeps breathing like this, forcing her breasts to rise and fall, I might just act on that little fantasy.

  “Then what can we do?” I question.

  Her eyes close as I continue to lightly touch her. I’m going to push her as far as I can. She’s not fooling me here, and I’m tired of watching her have this war in her mind. When she’s unguarded, she acts, and that is a sight to behold.

  “We can’t . . . we can’t . . . kiss because . . . God,” she mutters. “I can’t think with you touching me.”

  I love that I fluster her so easily.

  She takes her bottom lip between her teeth and I’m rock fucking hard. I want her so badly it hurts. I need to touch her. I can’t wait another moment and I don’t give a shit about her rules regarding us.

  There are no fucking rules.

  The attraction between us in undeniable and my feelings for her are more than I ever wanted to allow.

  Danielle is the first woman that makes me want more in my life. I don’t care about the cars, money, job, or any of that. I want to be someone worthy of her. Someone she can rely on and it’s driving me mad.

  I think about caring for her.

  I see things and think of Parker and his love of comics.

  My mind wanders all the bloody time to thoughts about how to make her smile again, because the sight of it makes my heart swell. Like a fucking fool.

  However, right now, all I’m thinking about is touching every inch of her before I lose control.

  “Can I do this?” I ask as I reach the top of her chest. My fingers graze her breast and she lets out a soft moan.

  “Milo.”

  “What about this?” My touch drops lower and I skim across where her nipple hides in her bra. “Do you want me to stop?”