If I Only Knew

by Corinne Michaels

  “What’s going on?” I ask with my heart racing.

  Something is wrong. I know my brother and the last time he looked at me like this, I found out my father was dead.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Danielle

  “What happens now, Mom?” Ava asks as we sit in the courtroom, waiting for the verdict to be read.

  I haven’t been back since my outburst. Maybe because it didn’t matter in some ways. Maybe because I didn’t want to hear any more lies. Or maybe because as much as I want to get closure, I found something else worth focusing on.

  However, Richard called and said we should come today. He got word the jury had reached their decision.

  As promised, I got Ava out of school and we came here together.

  “They’ll call the court to order and read the verdict. If he’s guilty, they’ll set sentencing. If he’s innocent, you and I are leaving immediately before we’re descended upon, understand?”

  She nods.

  Keeping my word on this was incredibly difficult. I didn’t think it would be this tough. She’s mature for her age in some ways, but this was her daddy. He was the first man she ever looked up to, loved, and wanted to find someone like.

  He’s not only gone, but now she’s going to hear things that she may not want to. I’m a grown woman and couldn’t handle it.

  “I’ve never seen him,” she notes. “You know, Daddy’s killer.”

  “I never wanted you to.”

  My phone vibrates, but I don’t look. This moment is too great to be distracted. I know that Parker is safe at school and then Kristin will take him. Aubrey apparently had big plans for their time together.

  “Why?” Ava asks.

  “Because he’s the last person your father saw, and I hate him for taking that from our family. I wanted you to stay innocent and protected from him, but I see that you can do this. You’re a beautiful, strong girl, Ava Kristin. I’m very proud of you.”

  Gone is the angry mask she’s worn relentlessly for the past two years, and I see her again. “I’m proud of you too, Mom.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah, you know . . . you’re dating and it’s nice to see you happy. I guess. I mean, I don’t care, but if I have to be around you, I’m glad you’re not being a bi—”

  “Watch it,” I warn her.

  She shrugs with a grin. “Sorry, I thought we were doing what you and Aunt Nicole do, the whole honesty is the only policy we subscribe to.”

  I roll my eyes. “You don’t get admission to that club, kid.”

  Ava starts to talk, but then the side door opens and Adam McClellan walks in. I grab her hand, offering support as well as needing some of hers. Each time I see him I hate him even more.

  “Just look forward okay?” Her eyes meet mine and I see the fear swimming. “You’re safe, Ava. You have nothing to fear. No matter what happens today, you’re safe, loved, and everything will be okay.”

  “He’s just sitting there.”

  “I know.” I squeeze her hand. “Eyes forward or on me.”

  She squeezes back and sighs. I look around for Milo. He said he’d be here, but I haven’t heard from him. Which is strange because he’s the one person that has always been in this room when I needed him, even when I didn’t know I did.

  A few heartbeats later, the judge enters and court is called to order.

  “Has the jury reached a verdict?” she asks.

  “We have your honor.”

  “Bailiff, please . . .” The judge extends her hand and he goes to get the envelope.

  My stomach is in my throat as I watch her read. She makes no reaction to whatever their decision was, which I remember Peter complaining about all the time.

  Being on this side, it sucks.

  Each second feels like an hour passing.

  Ava wraps her hand around my arm, holding on tight.

  The judge hands the envelope back and then it goes back to the head juror. I swear, this is meant to make people crazy. It’s not just about the murderer sitting there whose fate will be determined, it’s about all of us. The people who loved my husband, our family, everyone who saw our grief and loss. This matters.

  “Will you please read the verdict?” she asks as a commandment.

  I could throw up. My stomach twists, my hands are sweating and I want to cry without even knowing the outcome.

  It’s so much.

  “We the jury, find the defendant, Adam McClellan, on the count of murder in the first degree, guilty.”

  Relief floods through me and tears start to fall. Ava bursts out in tears, wrapping her arms around me.

  “On the count of Illegal Possession of a hand gun, guilty.”

  I don’t care about the rest of them, but this is vindication. I can breathe again. They continue to go through the rest of the charges, as I let it all out. I didn’t screw up our chance to nail him. We didn’t lose. We have justice for the hell this man put us through.

  Ava and I sit close, holding each other’s hands as they inform him of his sentencing date.

  “That’s it?” she asks with tears streaming down her cheeks.

  “That’s it.”

  We stand and the prosecutor walks toward us. “I’m so happy we have justice for Peter,” Rachel says.

  “We are too. I know that when he was alive, you guys fought on the opposite side . . .”

  She shakes her head. “No, we were on the side of the law. Peter may not have been fighting for the side I chose, but he deserved justice.”

  “He did,” I agree.

  Ava wipes her cheeks and squares her shoulders. “I want to be here and speak at his sentencing.”

  Rachel looks to me and then back at her. “If your mother is okay with it, I think it would be helpful.”

  “Mom?”

  I close my eyes while releasing a breath through my nose. “If you want to do that, I won’t stop you. You have to behave, though. I’m not trying to give you an ultimatum, I’m asking you to think about what kind of girl you want them to see when you’re standing before the judge.”

  This is hard, this parenting thing. On one hand you want to teach your kids they need to stand on their own feet. The other hand wants to put them in a bubble, hold tight, and never let anything touch them. Then there’s the middle, where you don’t know which way to go, and I hate the middle.

  “I know. I just want to say some things,” she explains.

  “I do too, honey.”

  Richard comes over and hugs us both. “I’m glad we have justice for Peter.”

  “Me too.”

  “Peter would’ve won that case,” he laughs to himself. “That’s all I kept thinking. If he was the defense attorney, he would’ve shredded the prosecution. He was a fantastic lawyer, friend, and we miss him.”

  As much as I want to slap him for that being his first thought, I smile. Peter would’ve. He was great, and he would’ve gotten it done. Also, my husband was arrogant enough to have that been the first words out of his mouth. He thought he was great, and the fact that his business partner would’ve thought the same, probably has him smiling from Heaven.

  “Yeah.” I shake my head. “He really was.”

  “He loved you three. He talked about taking time off more, being there to see the kids grow up,” Richard smiles.

  “Too bad he didn’t.”

  I see the instant regret flash in his eyes. “If you ever need anything, Danni, please don’t hesitate to call us. You’re family.”

  There was way too much dysfunction and backstabbing in the office. I would never trust any of them. Still, I can’t be rude. “Thank you, Richard. We really appreciate that.”

  Ava tells us she’s going to call her friends and excuses herself. I need to call mine, in fact, where are my damn friends? Or my boyfriend? Boyfriend. Jesus. Saying that at thirty-nine doesn’t feel weird or anything.

  I dig in my purse for my phone and see two missed calls and a text from Milo.

  * *
*

  Milo: You’re not answering, but I’m at the airport heading to London. Please call Nicole when you’re free. I’m sorry.

  * * *

  My stomach drops. “Excuse me,” I say to Richard.

  I’m already dialing Nicole’s number as I get outside the courtroom. It rings. And rings. “Come on pick up,” I whisper.

  “Hey.” She answers after what feels like forever.

  “Hey, what’s going on?”

  “First, are you okay? Did they find him guilty?”

  I don’t want to talk about this, but Nicole is . . . forceful when she wants something.

  “Yes. Guilty. What’s going on with Milo?”

  She huffs. “All I know is he and Callum left for London. Their mother is sick and I guess she’s been keeping it quiet, but she collapsed and they had to go right away.”

  “Oh, God.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know, Danni,” she pauses. “Milo was here talking about his mom coming here for Friendependence Day to meet you, and the kids. Then something about his job when Callum’s phone rang. I’m not sure what their plan is, but my husband said he’d call when they had details.”

  I rub my forehead. “Okay, keep me posted.”

  This is so bad. Milo mentioned the other day about his mom being alone in London and some guilt he felt. I can’t imagine how he’s working through all of that.

  Then another part of the conversation hits me. Milo went to Callum’s house to talk about me and his job?

  Oh, God. I hope he didn’t quit. I swear, he just acts sometimes and I could scream. We discussed this and apparently, he doesn’t listen.

  Okay, getting upset isn’t going to do anything. He’s in London and I need to table this until we can talk.

  It’s been four days. Four days. Four phone calls. Four times I’ve found myself thinking about flying to London.

  I can’t go. I know this. I just want to be close to him.

  Also, this temporary assistant that Kristin recommended, Sierra, is absolutely ridiculous. She has to be related to Erica, Kristin’s special snowflake.

  First, she put salt in my coffee, thinking it was sugar.

  She then managed to spill her salty coffee on my desk, soaking a proposal I was working on. Then, she somehow, and I still can’t figure out what possible way this happened, Sierra got in my inbox and deleted it all to help with clutter.

  Thank God for the IT division and putting child locks on her computer.

  I can’t even.

  I never thought I would miss Milo because of work. But here I am, once again finding a way to rationalize him coming home soon.

  My video call rings and I smile when his face pops up. “Hi,” I say with a dreamy sigh.

  “Hello, sweetheart.”

  “How is your mom?” I ask.

  “Not good.”

  He looks tired. I can see the stress in his eyes, and I hate it. Milo is always smart-mouthed, arrogant in some ways, and sarcastic. He’s never sullen and I don’t like it.

  “I’m sorry, what are the doctors saying?”

  Milo cracks his neck and flops on his bed. “I’m going back in the morning, but it’s not looking good. We finally got her a proper room instead of that shit they tried to keep her in.”

  “I’m glad you’re there though.” Selfishly, of course, I’m not. He’s where he needs to be, though. After losing his father the way he did, I can’t imagine him not being close to his mom.

  “I hate it. I wish we could throw her on a plane and take her to where it’s bloody warm. I forgot how fucking freezing it is here. Tampa is a much more desirable climate.”

  I wish a lot of things, but I know he needs to vent a bit.

  “Still.” I give a sad smile. “You’re where you’re close to your mom. I’m sure she has comfort knowing you and Callum are there.”

  Milo grumbles and his eyes narrow. “He’s a prick. I don’t know why my mother didn’t sell him when he was a boy. Such a bloody know it all. It’s maddening, you know. I swear he thinks he’s always in charge and I’ve had it. Fuck off big brother.”

  I bust up laughing at his outburst. “Stop it. He’s probably scared too.”

  Now I get the look of death. “Scared? I’m not scared. I’m bloody pissed that’s what I am.”

  “I see that.”

  “He thinks he can walk into any room and command it. I don’t think so. I’m younger but my balls are much bigger, you can vouch for that.”

  My jaw drops and no words come out. He’s clearly not happy with his brother, but Jesus.

  “Milo, this is a chance, okay?”

  “For what?”

  “For you to be a fucking grown up. You and Callum need to knock it off. You know better than anyone that life is short and the only guarantee is that it’ll come to an end. So, stop it. If Callum died, how would you feel? Terrible, that’s what. So be the man I fell in love with. The one who is full of compassion.”

  Milo grimaces but then nods. “Only because you used a cheap trick to get me to bend to your will.”

  “Yes, I’m full of cheap tricks. Speaking of, I’ve decided that you don’t have to hold the rabbit anymore.”

  “Really?” he asks with delight.

  “Yes, I’m going to be nice and let you off the hook, even though I don’t think for a second you would do the same.”

  He smirks. “Don’t get upset about it. It would’ve been hilarious to see you walk up to my brother and tell him about my sexual competency.”

  “You’re a mess.”

  “True, but together we’re rather perfect.”

  I smile and blow him a kiss. “Go get some sleep. I miss you.”

  “I miss you too. How is your new assistant working out?”

  “Shut up.”

  “Well, don’t get upset about it, Callum will be back in two days. You can complain to him then.”

  “He’s coming back?”

  Since they got there, not much information has been fed back to me, which I completely understand. Milo and Callum have needed to take care of their mother, not worry about telling me crap. I’ve been kept in the loop by Nicole mostly. She didn’t mention anything about this plan when we spoke today.

  Milo nods. “Yes. He’s needed back there, and I’m not exactly a critical employee.”

  “You are to me,” I inform him.

  “Sweet. However, I’m needed here.”

  “How long do you think?”

  Milo sighs. “I don’t know. I can’t leave her here all alone.”

  “I would never ask you to.”

  “I know.” He gets himself under the covers and I wish I could touch his face.

  “The sentencing is next week.”

  It’s been weighing on me a lot the last few days. I want this over. This is the final piece of resolution.

  Milo’s eyes turn sad. “I hate that I’m not there, but it all depends how the next few days go. Maybe I’ll make it back.”

  “That wasn’t why I was saying it.”

  “Doesn’t mean that’s not how I feel.”

  My temporary assistant pops her head in. “Did you call me?”

  “No,” I draw the word out. “I’m on a call.”

  “Oh,” she giggles. “That makes sense. I thought maybe you were talking to yourself and I was going to let you finish, but then I thought maybe you were talking to me.”

  Oh my God.

  “Thank you for checking, Sierra,” I somehow get the words out.

  “Of course! My job is to make sure you’re all set.”

  My job is to wonder how we’re giving the reins over to the younger generation.

  Great. Now I’m one of those older people complaining about kids today.

  “Good job, love,” Milo answers. “Danielle loves to talk to herself, so be sure to check in.”

  I glare at him and then look to her. “Don’t listen to a word he says.”

  “Oh, it’s a guy on the phone? So, is he like, your boyfriend?�
�

  “Go back to work,” I instruct.

  When she walks out of the room, I close my eyes and hear Milo chuckling.

  “I hate you.”

  He smirks. “No, you don’t.”

  “Fine, but I want to, and I should.”

  He laughs and then it turns into a yawn. “I’m sorry to cut you off, sweetheart, but I can’t keep my eyes open. Can we talk tomorrow? I can ring you around seven before work.”

  “Okay. Get some sleep.”

  “I will,” Milo promises.

  Four days done, God only know how many more to go.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Milo

  “You have to eat, Mum.”

  “I don’t take orders from you, of all people,” she huffs.

  Indignant as ever.

  I’ve been in London a fortnight and I’m ready to gouge my bloody eyes out. Mum is finally feeling slightly better, but then we have a night where we go backwards.

  God forbid the doctor do his fucking job properly and get her the medication she needs.

  “Just eat before my temper comes out.”

  She doesn’t seem the slightest bit concerned. “When are you going back to America?”

  “When you stop being a pain in my arse and eat your food.”

  Mum crosses her arms over her chest. “Then I will die of starvation.”

  “Dramatic as ever.”

  “I miss my sons.” Her lip trembles and my cold heart starts to melt.

  I don’t like seeing her upset. No matter how much trouble I like to cause, my Mum is a wonderful woman who has suffered too much.

  “Don’t cry,” I beg her.

  “Don’t leave.”

  “Mum, you know why I want to return to America.”

  She nods. “I wanted to meet her.”

  We’ve spent a lot of time together these past two weeks, and she has not held back on her opinions. Of course, she wants me to be happy, just in London. My hope is that she’ll realize that’s not likely and she’ll come with us to America where her family is now.

  “Why can’t you meet her?”