To Catch A Butterfly You Need A Net

by Gabriele Phillis

  I looked at my pile of clothes, unable to think clearly. My flight to Frankfurt was leaving tomorrow and I had not even cleaned the house yet. Dirty dishes filled the sink, there was washing on the line, and my unfinished manuscript looked at me. In the corner of my bedroom was my travel bag, halfpacked, the laptop sitting next to it.

  Pregnant, I was two months pregnant! If only I had someone to talk to. I could think about nothing else than my phone conversation with Dr. Bergman. The news had hit me hard. Never had I felt my heart pounding the way it did for those seconds it took me to realize that I was expecting Jules’ child. Panic had changed into fear, then surprise and finally into joy. Before that, my imagination was running wild. How would I manage to look after my child without a father? I had always wanted children but not so soon, especially not in my present situation. At least I wanted to get married first. I was carrying his child and did not know where he was. It was not good to think of him now; it would only make it worse.

  I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to relax. My heart raced. I still could not believe that I was pregnant. It came as a total shock to me. What would Jules’ reaction be if I told him? Would he be ecstatic for joy or would it have been one more reason to leave me? Forget about him, I told myself. He left me and will not ever find out. I placed my hand on my stomach and felt immediately a deep calmness spreading through my body. From now on, I was not alone any more. I would have a child soon.

  Nobody could ever take my baby away from me. I felt tears running down my cheeks and wiped them away.

  Many children grew up happily with only one parent why not my child? My head did not spin as much any more. One sentence kept repeating inside my head: I could not allow myself to become crazy. I owed it to my baby and promised myself that we would make it without Jules, no matter what happened.

  From now on, I would focus on Roman’s wedding. I needed to be strong enough to give him and Monika my whole attention.

  As I had no idea how long, it would take my condition to show I did not want to stay longer than a few weeks. It was better that way; I could say I had to finish my editor to finish my manuscript and fly back home, which was not a lie. I took a deep breath, blew my nose, and threw a few shirts, skirts and a pair of jeans into my travel bag before I zipped it up.

  Another question popped into my head. Did Jules disappear on purpose? I was surprised that the idea had not come earlier. There was a possibility that maybe he was a criminal and on the run. Would that explain it?

  Stop it! Now you are getting ridiculous, I told myself, but the thought just would not leave me alone for the rest of the day and I came up with all kinds of conspiracy theories. God help me, I thought, feeling for the first time the true weight of my situation. Something in me did not really want to leave. There was still the chance of Jules coming back any time, explaining where he had been. I imagined he would say that on the way to town he took a shortcut and got lost. He had an accident and lost consciousness for a while. When he woke up, he could not remember who he was and kept driving. He could not identify himself, as he did not have any identification papers with him. The car was registered and it would have been easy to find out who he was.

  At seven, the loud sound of the phone made me shudder. My heart jumped. Was that Jules? I dropped everything and ran to the phone.

  “How are you doing? All packed?” Roman’s cheerful voice brought me back to reality.

  “Roman?” I sounded disappointed but tried not to sound like it. “How are you?”

  “Why do I get the feeling you expected somebody else?” he asked.

  “I thought it was a friend,” I lied. “It is nice to hear from you.” “I'm just checking that you haven’t changed your mind at the last minute. We cannot wait to see you. I’ve got your room ready and will leave the key to the apartment in the letter box.”

  “I thought you wanted to take a few days off.”

  “I couldn’t, sorry. Do you want me to ask Monika to pick you up from the airport?”

  “No, that’s not necessary. I’ll take the train.”

  “So, I’ll see you in two days.”

  “Look forward to seeing you.”

  “Before I forget, Monika took the week off to go shopping with you, to buy the wedding dress and stuff. There are many other things she wants including ordering the flowers, and book the reception. I hope you do not mind. She really wants your input.”

  Would my visit to Germany end up in a shopping spree? I did not like clothes shopping very much.

  "It's a pleasure to help out.” Again I lied. This was going to be a long chain of lies; I knew it.

  “Are you sure about taking the train?”

  “I’ll be fine.”

  Taking the three-hour train to Cologne did not bother me at all. I used to like the train; the sound of the wheels always relaxed me.

  We chatted for a while longer. Then Roman had to go to work and he hung up.

  I took a long hot shower then I toweled myself dry and looked in the mirror. I rested my hands on my stomach. Would I get a girl or a boy? What names would I give them? Whatever reason Jules had to leave me, it had nothing to do with my baby. I could not let myself get all worked up because something inexplicable had happened.

  The fact was I had to accept that I was pregnant and that I had to find a way to get on with my life. Step one I had taken today.

  I slipped into my thin cotton pajamas, and noticed, my swollen feet. My body was already changing. It was not only my body; my whole life had already changed. The worse part was I had no idea in what direction I was heading. If I had known the journey I was about to face I would have climbed back into my bed and stayed there.

  Chapter 9

  vv

  The plane was three hours late.

  Was that a bad sign? Do not read anything into it, I told myself. I had learnt over the years that negative thinking only made things worse. Normally I would try to focus more on positive things. Why could I not do that now? The best idea was to read a few magazines in the meantime. Roman worked and could not pick me up. Therefore, I did not have to feel guilty to get there late.

  Cairns airport was not as big as Sydney or Frankfurt's airport. I walked to the coffee bar next to the security checkpoint and ordered a mug of hot chocolate. I looked around; the only free table was next to a Japanese family with three small children. A baby in a carrier on the mother’s chest started to cry. The mother gave it a bottle of milk. I watched the baby’s tiny hands reaching for the bottle.

  I watched the other children who had finished eating their ice creams. The little boy, approximately three years old climbed on his father’s lap, pulling his hair. He told him to stop but he did not listen and pulled harder. The mother tried to stop the boy and managed with one hand to pull him away while with the other hand she was holding the baby. The boy had more respect for his mother and stopped.

  The other boy, a year or two older, started to fight with his brother. The baby started crying. It threw the bottle on the ground, which rolled under the table. The father said something to the boys who started to cry now, too. I felt sorry for the parents. They tried hard to manage the situation but were close to loose patience. At least they could help each other. I would have nobody, once my baby was born, and be totally on my own.

  I took a magazine and flicked through it. After a few minutes, the family took my attention again. The couple started to argue. He carried the baby now, the mother walked off with the boys. What a handful that was! They really struggled to stay above the situation. I hoped I would get a seat far away from them. When I glanced at my watch, one hour had passed.

  In the next two hours, I read three magazines and found out who was married and divorced.

  Angelina Jolie and Bred Pitt wanted to adopt another child. How could they manage a brood like that, especially pursuing movie careers? They had to have at least a few nannies that helped them.

  Finally, my flight number came across the P.A.
system. I was stiff from sitting, got up, and stretched my legs. I reached for my boarding pass and went to the gate.

  The Japanese family waited already in the lane. They walked past my seat. I was glad they did not sit next to me. The seat next to me was empty, which was great. I could not resist a smile. This was going to be good flight.

  I arrived at Frankfurt airport at midnight. I did not sleep much on the plane and was dog-tired. I collected my luggage and left the airport. Cold air hit me like a rock. I had been so used to the tropical climate that my whole body shook. My thin overcoat was not nearly enough to keep me warm. I had to buy warmer clothes. It was colder than I thought here. I bought a ticket at the station and caught the express train to Cologne. By the time, I arrived at Roman’s two-bedroom apartment I could hardly keep my eyes open. As soon as I entered, I kicked off my shoes and threw my travel bag on the floor. I was finally here!

  I glanced around the room and noticed a few new framed prints I had not seen before. The light wooden furniture was new, too. It looked cozy and everything tastefully decorated. Monika must have had input here. Roman normally did not care about such things. Everything looked nice, well organized, and tidy.

  Once the wedding was over, I would relax and get as much rest as possible.

  I went into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Roman had cooked a chicken and made a potato - salad. His refrigerator normally did not have anything other than milk, bread, and cheese. I was not hungry; the food on the plane had been enough for me.

  I entered the guest room and noticed a small block of marzipan chocolate on the bed with a note, “Welcome home. Do not eat it all at once. Roman.” I smiled. What a surprise! I loved marzipan; it was hard to get in Australia.

  It was more than thirty hours since I had left Australia. Every muscle in my body ached. I was too tired to shower and went straight to bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I fell into a deep sleep.

  Roman woke me up next morning.

  “Good morning, sleepy head,” he smiled at me. I opened my eyes and looked into my handsome brother’s face. “There she is, my long-lost sister. It’s about time you visited me,” he said and we hugged each other as if we had not seen each other for twenty years. It was only two years ago since I had been here for a visit.

  “Great to be here,” I said.

  He was wearing black pants and a white shirt. His haircut was different. He had blond streaks through his wavy hair, which suited him.

  “What’s the time?” I yawned.

  “Ten-thirty,” he said.

  I could not believe I had slept that long. “Do you have to work today?” I asked, looking at his outfit. “Yes, my boss called this morning. Someone called in sick, and he asked me if I could do an extra shift, sorry Allie. I will make up for it. I promise.”

  He looked guilty.

  “That’s fine; I’ll probably spend the whole day in bed, anyway.”

  “So, how is Australia? You haven’t regretted moving there?” “It’s the most beautiful place on earth, Roman,” I said. “Wait until you come and see it one day for yourself.”

  “I think we can arrange that,” he grinned. “A honeymoon in the rainforest would be nice.”

  “Let me know when you decide to come.”

  “How are you, Allie?” He became serious again.

  “I am fine. Why do you ask?”

  “Last time we talked on the phone you were a mess.” “I am fine. Don’t worry.”

  “Are you really?”

  “Yes really.”

  Roman sat next to me on the edge of the bed. He was holding my hand as he did when we were children.

  It reminded me of one day in our childhood. I was five when I fell out of a tree. I was scared to death to tell our parents. The pain was incredible and only Roman’s presence had kept me sane. I knew I would be fine as long as my brother was with me. Thank goodness, nothing serious happened. Since that day, I knew I could always count on him.

  “I’ve been worried about you, Allie.”

  “Don’t,” I said and squeezed his hand. “I am here now and we’ll have a fabulous time. We are getting you married first. I still can’t believe it.”

  “I knew Monika was the right one for me, from the first day I saw her.”

  I thought that, too, when I first met Jules. See what happened. He left and I was pregnant. Now was not the time to talk about me. I changed the subject.

  “I never understand why some people want to become flight attendants. They have to be tough with all the time differences. What a pity there is no room in those jets to stretch your legs unless you fly first Class.”

  Roman opened the curtains. Bright sunlight flooded the room. “You’re right. I wouldn’t like be one either.”

  Although I was jet-legged and wanted to stay in bed longer, Roman showed no mercy and pulled off the doona. “Come on, Allie, get up.”

  I pulled my legs up.

  “You can sleep later. Coffee is ready,” he called on his way to the kitchen. “We have lots to talk about.”

  I felt as if I had hardly slept at all. My head felt like being hit with a sledgehammer, but I wanted to talk to him before he left for work. He was right. I could sleep later. Roman was so excited, that I was here. Therefore, my sleep was over for now. “Your brother is getting married,” he called from the kitchen. “I am so happy.”

  “It wasn’t that long ago when you taught me how to climb trees and showed me your new Lego car that you got for your birthday.”

  He laughed.

  “Yes, it seems that way.”

  Was it really that long ago?

  I dug into my travel bag for the dressing gown, which I threw in at the last minute and went to the bathroom.

  “I’ll have a quick shower first,” I called. “It won’t be long.” “Bacon and eggs will be ready in five minutes.”

  I felt refreshed when I came back with a towel wrapped around my hair. I sat across from my brother at the round kitchen table. Roman poured coffee into two cups. “Is Monika coming later?” I asked.

  “Yes, as soon as she finishes work. We never know when the hospital will let her go. Sometimes she works twelve hours.” “I hate shift work,” I said.

  “I tell you, not much longer. Once we are married we want to start a family right away.”

  I choked and started coughing. Roman wanted a child. What is wrong with that? My baby would have a cousin. “Is everything okay, Allie?”

  Roman gave me a light pat on the back.

  “Do you want children so soon?”

  “I think it would be nice to be young parents. What do you think?”

  “Of course, that’s a good point to look at.”

  “You are not getting younger either, Sis. Maybe you should be thinking of it, too.”

  Oh, no, please do not go there!

  “Have you decided yet what kind of wedding you both want?”

  “Everything is fine with me. I think Monika wants to have the whole thing like the church, reception and so on. She has been saving up for this all her life. We want you to be our wedding planner, Allie. You always have such good ideas.”

  My egg all of a sudden tasted foul.

  “I have never planed a wedding, Roman, except for mine and that was only a four-person party. I wouldn’t have a clue where to start,” I said worried.

  Chris was a successful surgeon and we had married at the registry office. After that, we had lunch at a restaurant. The only guests were Roman and Marion, my high school girlfriend. Chris was antisocial. I needed all my persuasion to convince him that it brought bad luck if we did not have any guests. He was more of a loner.

  “You’d better talk to Monika about that stuff, Allie. I have no idea what she wants.”

  I looked at my handsome brother. He could not be serious. My skills as a wedding planner were far beyond imagination. I was not in any mood to be a wedding planner and not intended to become one. Why could he not see that? I did not mind assisting
with a few things but arranging the whole wedding was really expecting a little too much.

  After breakfast, Roman left for work but not before, he gave me a hug.

  “If you need anything you know where I am. Call me. Here is my phone number. Otherwise, I will see you tonight. Have a good rest, Allie. You look tired.”

  Of course, I looked tired. Not only did I just travel for more than thirty hours. On top of that, I was pregnant and the thought of become a wedding planner was not very exciting. I felt negative vibes around me and did not try to stop them. The cup nearly fell out of my hand. I sat down and listened to the ticking of the kitchen clock. In the distance, I heard the traffic. Calm down I told myself. Since when had I become so moody? It had to do with the hormones.

  I washed the dishes and changed into my jeans and black sleeveless Vera Wong cotton shirt. Before I did anything else, I had to go shopping first. That was not exactly what I had in mind. The clothes I packed were far too thin for this weather. While I was going through my travel bag Monika called. The reception was bad; I could hardly understand a word. Did she say she would be here around two?

  Would I have enough time to go shopping and the cemetery? This month it was eight years, since that dreadful accident happened and our parents died. I decided to go to the cemetery first.

  They would have loved Monika. She was the daughter-in-law everybody wished for - ambitious, reliable, committed. I left the apartment and made my way through the traffic chaos. There was an immense crowd of people. Had I forgotten what it was like living in Germany, or never noticed it before, car horns beeping, pushbikes, and trams crossing everywhere. How busy life was here.

  Memories flooded back. It was so long ago but it seemed like it was only yesterday when I got the phone call from the police that our parents were involved in an accident and rushed to the hospital. By the time we arrived, it was too late. We did not have the chance to say good-bye. Roman held my hand when I started crying and did not let it go the whole time until the woman took us to the orphanage. He was eight and I was six years old. We were lucky that they did not separate us. That was a long time ago.