He leaned his head against mine, and his voice hitched as he answered. “God, I wish we didn’t have to . . . I love you so much, but yes . . . we can’t be together.” He pulled back to look at me with sorrowful eyes. “And . . . I think it has to be a complete break. No contact. Ever. I think that will make it . . . easier . . . in the end.”
A sob escaped me, and I tossed my arms around him in a fierce hug. “I’ll always love you, Jake. Always.”
I felt him crying as he held me. “I’ll always love you too. And every day we don’t speak, just remember . . . I’m thinking about you. Even apart, we’ll be doing this together.”
The sobs came in earnest then. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening, but he was right. It was the only way.
When our tears finally subsided, I felt like I’d aged a hundred years. Jake wiped my cheeks dry, a pained smile on his face. As I absorbed this last image of him, a tiny ember of hope flickered to life. “Maybe one day . . . when Kylie has forgiven me, when she’s moved on . . . maybe then you and I can . . .”
I let the thought die, since it seemed improbable. It might take Kylie years to get over our betrayal, if she ever truly did. I couldn’t exactly ask Jake to wait an endless amount of time for me, just sitting around hoping I’d eventually contact him. It would be cruel to even ask that.
Jake’s smile grew even sadder. He knew the impossibility of what I was asking. “Yeah . . . maybe . . . one day.” He sniffed, then looked around. “I should probably get going . . . lingering isn’t going to make this any easier.”
“Right,” I said, feeling my chest tighten.
Jake sighed, started to get up, then twisted back to me. Before I knew what was happening, he was kissing me. It was painful, passionate, desperate. It was don’t forget me mixed with please move on with your life. It tore me, but still, I didn’t want it to end.
He pulled away suddenly, like he was forcing himself, and then he practically jumped off the couch and bolted to the door. He paused before opening it and looked back at me with watery eyes. “Goodbye, Valerie.”
My lip quivered, and I begged myself not to start crying again. “Goodbye, Jake. I love you.”
“I love you too,” he whispered, and then he fled out the door. And out of my life.
Chapter Seventeen
I had a hard time sleeping that night. A part of me worried that Jake would show up, dashing our new resolve to pieces. Another part of me worried that he wouldn’t show up, that we truly were over. I tossed and turned all night long until I finally woke up in the morning. I was alone, and I had been all night long. He hadn’t come over, hadn’t tried to mend us. We truly were finished. It was an agonizing realization, and if I was being honest with myself, it was one I wasn’t prepared for. I spent the majority of the day sobbing in bed, a mere shadow of a person.
The next day I vowed to do better. And I did, only sobbing half the day. It took around three days without him for me to truly feel like I could begin to move forward . . . alone. And that was when the reporters started showing up on my parents’ doorstep. Honestly, I was surprised they’d waited so long.
Dad tried to shoo them away, but I decided to speak to a few of them. It was actually pretty cathartic to talk about what had happened. I even talked about what had really happened with Jake and me—not in gory detail, but enough that it was obvious we’d fallen in love. Talking about him made me miss him. I hoped he missed me too. A tiny part of me hoped he always missed me, even though I knew it wasn’t fair to wish that upon him.
“You really haven’t talked to him?” Steph asked. We were at our favorite club, celebrating Alicia’s birthday.
Sipping on my vodka cran, I shook my head. “No. Nothing since we decided to end things.”
Steph pursed her lips as she absorbed that. “I understand why you guys broke things off, but . . . I can’t help thinking maybe things aren’t really over. Maybe there’s still a chance for the two of you.”
Pain pierced my calm, and I had to close my eyes to banish the hope she’d stirred. “Can we change the subject, please?”
“Sure,” Steph said, empathy on her face. She shifted to look at Alicia. She was deep in a conversation with Chloe and hadn’t been paying attention to us. “To the birthday girl,” Steph said, holding out her drink.
Alicia immediately turned our way, a bright smile on her face. Chloe looked over with her, but her smile wasn’t nearly so friendly. Chloe was good friends with my sister, and what I’d done to Kylie had blurred the lines of our friendship. Chloe only tolerated me now; Kylie still wasn’t talking to me. I’d left a dozen messages, and all I’d received in return was silence from Kylie and glares from Chloe.
When we all clinked glasses, Chloe purposely avoided mine. It made me grit my teeth in annoyance, but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn’t exactly force Chloe to be my friend again. Or force my sister. Or forget about Jake . . .
God, I really missed him. Missed them. Missed everyone. But since Chloe was the only one around, I decided to vent my pain on her. “How long are you going to stay mad at me, Chloe? I know I’ve said this before, but what happened with Jake and me was a slow process. It’s not like I got on that boat hoping to steal my sister’s boyfriend.”
“Are you sure?” Chloe said, leaning forward, fire in her eyes. “Because now I’m replaying that night at the sports bar. You know, when you were all over Jake all night long. You went home with him, Valerie.”
Shame flooded me. “I did not go home with him. We shared a cab, but nothing happened. Nothing happened until the island, and even then, nothing happened until we were both pretty sure we’d never make it off the island.” Chloe pursed her lips, but she didn’t argue. “Okay, yes,” I sighed. “I was attracted to him, and maybe we flirted a little too much that night, but I resisted him for as long as I could because I didn’t want to hurt my sister. What would you have done differently if you were in my place?”
Alicia snorted. “I would have screwed him the first night on the island.”
Remembering the sunburn, the bugbites, and the severe hunger, I really doubted she would have, but I smiled at her comment anyway. “Thanks for understanding, Alicia.”
Steph nodded as she looked Chloe’s way. “She really did try, Chloe. And as I always say, it takes two. Jake is just as much to blame as Valerie. But really, neither one of them meant to fall in love. Might as well blame the boat for sinking.”
Chloe’s eyes widened in surprise. “Fall in love? Kylie never mentioned love. She made it seem very . . . sordid.”
My eyes brimmed with tears as I thought about everything Jake and I had gone through, as well as everything we had then sacrificed in the hopes that Kylie and I could somehow reclaim our friendship. But our plan wasn’t working. I missed him so much it hurt, and Kylie still hated me. “Yes, we were very much in love . . . but I think it’s easier for Kylie to think of it as something . . . dirty. She can freely hate me instead of trying to understand.”
Chloe frowned. “That’s not right. I mean . . . maybe what you did wasn’t right, either, but if you fell for each other, and you thought you were stuck there . . .” She let out a long sigh. “I forgive you, Val. Even if she can’t, I forgive you.”
I started crying after that, then stood up and hugged Chloe. It wasn’t until that very moment that I realized just how important her forgiveness was to me. And how important my sister’s forgiveness was. It was time to stop letting her ignore me. It was time for a one-on-one with Kylie so that at the very least I could explain my side of things to her.
After saying good night to Steph, Alicia, and Chloe and after giving Alicia another enormous hug for her birthday, I hopped in a cab and made my way to Kylie’s apartment. I began to worry about my sister along the way. Kylie had been devastated upon hearing about Jake’s and my deaths, and then Jake and I had broken her heart—again. I should have ignored my own pain and gone to see her days ago. She was the entire reason Jake and I had split
up. I should have confronted her back then, shouldn’t have left her alone, suffering with no one. What if she had relapsed into another depression? What was I going to find when I knocked on her door?
Trepidation in my heart, I paid the cab driver—with money Dad had graciously given me for the evening—and headed to Kylie’s apartment. I knocked, then waited. Nothing. It was late, though; she could be sleeping. I should probably come back in the morning. Stubbornness wouldn’t let me back down, though. I needed to know that she was okay. I also needed her to understand and forgive me.
“Kylie?” I said, knocking a little louder. Still nothing. Frowning, I banged on the door. I didn’t want to wake her neighbors, but I was a hairsbreadth away from knocking the door down. “Kylie?” I said even louder.
Finally, I heard movement inside and Kylie murmuring, “Hold on.” I patiently waited while she slid the bolt and unlocked the door. When she saw it was me, she instantly started closing the door.
“Kylie, wait,” I said, holding the door open with my foot.
Kylie let out a groan, then released her hold on the door. As she walked away, I walked inside. “What do you want, Valerie?” She twisted to look at me. “On second thought, don’t answer that. I have nothing to say to you, and I don’t care what you want to say to me.”
The look on her face made my heart clench with pain. “Kylie, come on. At least hear me out.”
Shaking her head, she walked over to her couch. I glanced around the room as I followed her. Her place was neat and tidy. Not a trace of take-out boxes, no wineglasses left around, no piles of dirty clothes lying about. It was just one room, but it spoke of someone who still cared about life. That was promising.
Kylie sat on the couch, then plopped her legs out sideways, blocking me from sitting next to her. Understandable. I took a chair kitty-corner to her instead. Scowling at me, she said, “I can’t believe you’re here, in my home, acting like we’re still family.”
“We are still family,” I said.
Her eyes turned fiery. “Not anymore. Not since you slept with my boyfriend. Not since you stole him from me.”
“I didn’t,” I said. “I let him go.”
Shock stunned her into silence. Finally, she said, “What? Haven’t you two been together since, well, the island?”
I cringed, then told her the truth. “For the first week, yes, we were together. But then he talked to you, and you were so upset. We were both so . . . we decided to not be together, since it hurt you so much. We decided to break it off and go our separate ways.”
“For me,” she murmured. “You gave him up . . . for me?”
Tears stung my eyes again. I had a feeling they always would when I thought about him. “Yes. I’d do anything for you, Kylie. I’ve always tried to put you first. Sometimes I failed, but I always tried. I love you.”
Her mouth dropped open, and she stared at me, dumbfounded.
After a moment of silence, I asked her, “Can I please explain what happened now? Will you at least hear me out?”
Anger returned to her expression, but she simply nodded in answer.
My gut churned with guilt, but there was no going back now. “When we were on the island, we depended on each other to survive. There was no other way. Eventually, we grew . . . fond of each other. But we still kept our distance because of you. But over time we truly began to feel how deeply the odds were stacked against us, and we started to see that we were probably going to be stuck there forever. After accepting that, continuing to deny ourselves seemed . . . pointless.”
That word riled my sister. “Pointless?” she hissed. “Respecting our relationship seemed pointless? And what about before the island? Chloe told me about that night at the sports bar. She said the two of you were all over each other. She said looking back on it, she was sure you slept with him that night. Did you?”
I let out a heavy sigh, which probably made me look guilty. And maybe I was. I should have restrained myself a little harder that night. I should have told Kylie way back then what I’d been feeling . . . what had happened. “No,” I told her. “I didn’t sleep with him. But we shared a cab, and yes . . . there was an attraction between us, but nothing happened other than a few soft words and tender touches.”
She pressed her lips together, and her cheeks turned a bright red. “Soft words and tender touches? Jesus, Val. Is that supposed to make me feel better?”
Frustration grew in me, but I bit it back. She had a right to be angry. “I tried to do the right thing by you, Kylie. I met him at a coffee shop just a little bit after you started dating him. There was an instant spark between us, and I asked him out. But he said no, because he’d just started seeing someone. Then he showed up at family dinner . . . with you, his new girlfriend. The sparks were still there, but he was with you, so I did nothing. I did nothing until both of us genuinely felt like leaving that island was virtually impossible.”
“And then you did do something.”
“And then I did,” I confirmed with a sigh. “And my entire world turned upside down. I lost you; I lost him; I lost everything.”
“And was it worth it?” she asked, a pale eyebrow raised.
As I closed my eyes, a tear leaked out. “Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do, and I’ll never truly forgive myself for causing you so much pain, but . . . for that brief moment that we were together . . . yes.” As I opened my eyes, a stuttered exhale escaped me; I felt like I was about to start sobbing, my chest hurt, and my throat was raw with grief. “Even now that he’s gone, the memory of our time together is something I’ll cherish for all my life.”
Kylie’s eyes widened at hearing the passion in my voice. “You really do love him, don’t you?”
Sniffling, I nodded. “I do, and I know you do too. There’s no winner here, only losers.”
Kylie was silent a moment as she watched me struggle to rein in my feelings. Then she quietly said, “I understand. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, I’m not saying you and I are instantly fine and all is forgiven, but . . . I understand.”
A sad smile stretched across my lips. “That’s all I can ask for.” Reaching over, I put a hand on her arm. “I am truly sorry, Kylie. I never wanted a man to come between us. I never wanted anyone to come between us. We’re . . . family.”
Her chin wobbled as emotion flooded her. Then she rocketed off the couch and tossed her arms around me. “I love you, Val. You killed me, but I still love you.”
I clenched her back just as fiercely as she was clinging to me. “I’m sorry, Kylie. I love you too. Please tell me you’re okay. Please tell me you’re going to be okay.”
Kylie let out a sob as she held me. “You’re alive. You’re both alive. Even if Jake and I aren’t together, even if things between you and I are strained . . . you’re alive.” She pulled back to look at me. “As long as you’re alive, I’ll be fine.”
I grinned, then pulled her back to me for a hug. We cried together for a moment, then separated, Kylie returning to the couch, me sitting back in my chair. As we sat there sniffling, rubbing our eyes dry, an unsolved problem nagged at me. “Kylie . . . we should talk about Jake. I gave him up to mend things with you, but I still love him. We both still love him,” I said, acknowledging her pain. “Jake is gone from my life, and he and I, we agreed to never talk again, but . . .” I paused as nerves washed through me. “I don’t want there to be a problem between you and me again, but I still . . . want him. I want to be with him.”
Kylie sighed, then said, “Val, I can’t just . . . forget it all and give you my blessing.”
Despair filled me, but I lowered my head and nodded. “I understand. I’ll stay away from him.”
Kylie sighed again. “I’m sorry if that seems petty. And I think a part of me knows that logically, I shouldn’t be mad at you in the first place.” She patted the spot beside her, and I joined her on the couch. Holding my hand, she softly said, “The second you and Jake ‘died’ . . . our relationship ended. We
were already broken up when you got together. As broken up as a couple can get. And even if I’d hoped there was still a chance for us when he came back . . . I think I knew we were still broken up. Death just has a way of changing things.”
I laughed, then squeezed her hand. “That is definitely true. And just so you know, he mourned you. He knew it was over. He knew you would move on once you believed he was dead, and that knowledge was really hard for him.” It hurt to say it, but she needed to know how he felt.
Kylie smiled as she studied me. “That’s pretty amazing of you to admit that.” Then she frowned. “But it still hurts, and I just can’t . . . if you really want to fix us, you need to stay away from him. I’m sorry . . . that might be wrong of me, but it’s the truth.”
My lip trembled as I shook my head. “All I can ask of you is to be honest with me. It’s okay.”
Kylie looked sad as she watched me. “So what are you going to do now?”
I slowly shook my head. “I’m going to let him go and focus on you and me . . . and my dream.” Yes, that was how I’d get over him. Work. A small smile crept onto my lips. “I’m going to forget the past and focus on my future. You watch: this time next year, I’m going to be running my own restaurant.”
She grinned as she leaned into my side. “I believe it.” Straightening her back, she told me, “And a year from now, I’m going to be a successful artist. Maybe you’ll even have my art on your walls.”
“You bet your ass I will,” I told her. We both laughed, and then I leaned my head against hers. “Thank you for letting me back in.”
I felt her nod beneath me. “I already lost you once. I don’t want to lose you again.”
I smiled at her answer, but even still, a part of me was dying. To save what I had with Kylie, I had to give up the one person who felt like they’d been made for me. My soul mate.
Chapter Eighteen
Days passed. Then weeks. I was honoring my sister’s wishes by staying away from Jake—not calling him, not going over to see him. He was doing his part, too, and staying away from me. It was torture, and I missed him every second of every day. But I wasn’t wallowing in the pain. I had plans. Big plans.
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