Eva's Man

by Gayl Jones

  I’d hug him and afterwards I could smell his smell on me. Cologne and aftershave and blood. I smell his smell on me.

  The letter said: “I hope you and your old man is living together pretty. I thought you didn’t like old mens. Well, anyway, that ain’t why I’m writing you. I’m writing you because I know your nigger from way back. Me and him used to be friends. I just wonted to ask you if James find the town depot yet, because he still looking for that woman to come back.”

  James said, “That from one of your lovers?”

  I didn’t show it to him. I put it in my pocket.

  “It’s from my mother,” I said. “She told me to tell you hello.”

  “It’s sweet, ain’t it, honey?” I said yes, it was sweet.

  “I know everything about you, you know,” Elvira said finally. “He wasn’t your man neither. You probably thought you were the only one. He just had to have a woman, not you, just any woman. It didn’t matter who. He woulda had me, if I’da had him.”

  “He waited three days.”

  “Just to make it better. You know how a woman gets after that, and a man when he’s been waiting for some. You thought you were the only one. But you weren’t. And you just didn’t wont to think about who’d be next, that’s all.”

  I told her to go to hell. “I’ll do it for you.”

  “Leave me alone.”

  “Afraid I won’t go deep enough?”

  2

  One day this boy from school showed up at the house. James wasn’t at home and we were just sitting there talking. I don’t even remember what we were talking about. He knew I was married, so he wasn’t trying to start anything. But when James came back, he looked at me and then looked at the boy. It was one of them kinds of looks you can’t describe, but it was like his whole body got harder.

  “I killed you once, I don’t want to have to kill you again.”

  “Look, I . . .”

  He told the boy to get out. The boy looked at me and then looked back at James and then left.

  “We weren’t doing anything.” James just looked at me.

  “We weren’t doing anything, James.” The way he was looking made me feel like I had to keep saying that. He told me to shut up. He was looking at me, just looking. Then he sat down, not beside me on the couch, but in the chair. He had his hands on his knees.

  “She didn’t enjoy being with a man or nothing,” he said. “She just did it, you know. She didn’t care one way or another. She never loved no man. never did. Not one single day in her life. A woman that’ll just fuck because it’s there—cause he’s got something down between his legs—a woman like that can’t love a man.”

  He didn’t say anything else. He was just sitting there, real hard, and then he just reached over and grabbed my shoulder, got up and started slapping me.

  “You think you a whore, I’ll treat you like a whore. You think you a whore, I’ll treat you like a whore.”

  Naw, he didn’t slap me, he pulled my dress up and got between my legs.

  “Think I can’t do nothing. Fuck you like a damn whore.” Naw, I’m not lying. He said, “Act like a whore, I’ll fuck you like a whore.” Naw, I’m not lying.

  I squeezed my legs around his neck.

  “You look like a woman who’s been hurt in life,” he said. He was dressed younger than his age. The lines around his eyes looked like worry lines.

  “Naw,” I said.

  When he got off the bus, he came back with apples and candy. “I thought you had to change here,” I said.

  “I do.”

  He sat back down beside me. “I’ve got fifteen minutes,” he said.

  He gave me the apples and candy. I gave them back to him.

  He said, “Please.” I took them.

  “Denver,” he said. “And then California, and then maybe down to Mexico.”

  There weren’t any people sitting in the seats near us, they were out getting snacks and coffee.

  “You know why I came back here,” he said.

  I said nothing. He said when he first saw those eyes of mine, he knew I could love a man. He said when he first saw my eyes, he knew I could love a man.

  “Aren’t you going to say something?”

  “No.”

  “Sometimes a man and a woman get off the bus.”

  “No.”

  “I didn’t mean to offend you,” he said. “That was the last thing I was trying to do.”

  I said nothing.

  “All right,” he said. He got up. He looked down at me while he was standing, but when he got off the bus, he didn’t look back.

  When James first laid me down in the bed, he kept saying over and over again that things was all right. I couldn’t tell whether he was telling himself or me.

  I screamed up at him, “Why didn’t you kill her then!”

  Before I left school and went off to work at the tobacco company, I went back to new York—there was somebody there I wanted to see.

  He was sitting in the Froglegs restaurant. I was over by his table before he looked up and saw me. He looked at me hard. Then he said, “Damn.”

  I asked him if I could sit down.

  “I reckon you can. I think I glimpsed a ass back there. If I didn’t, I got stuck for nothing.”

  “I got your letter.”

  Moses laughed. “What makes you think I’d write to you? You ain’t promised me nothing.”

  “I figured the only nigger that could know my nigger ‘from way back’ was you.”

  “Alfonso know him.”

  “I mean twenty years way back. Alfonso probably got the story from you. He didn’t know him back twenty years.”

  “And I did?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You don’t want a beer, do you?”

  “Naw, thanks.”

  “What you want?” He grinned. “I guess you don’t want the five?”

  “Naw.”

  He looked angry again. “You know, I can’t even hold a damn cigarette in this hand. When it burns down I can’t even feel it.”

  He had a couple of burnt places on his fingers. I started to say I was sorry, but didn’t.

  “What do you want, lady?”

  “Why do you call me that?”

  “Any woman that treat a man like a gentleman have got to be a lady.”

  I frowned.

  “Naw, you don’t treat a man like a gentleman, you treat him like a . . . cockroach. I started to say bedbug. But you don’t even treat a man like a bedbug. When I found out who you done married, I said Shit. I kept telling myself, Shit. The onliest reason you married the nigger was because he was safe.”

  “How could he be safe if he killed a man?” I asked.

  “You wouldn’t’ve married me, and I’m as old as him, but I ain’t safe . . . Y’all still together?”

  “No.”

  “You leave or he send you away?”

  I said nothing. Moses looked at me hard.

  “Once upon a time,” he said, “there was a man who used to hang out at the train depot, because he was waiting for this woman to return to him, you know, but he hung out down there so much he forgot why he was there. You seen these old men hanging around down at the train depot, they don’t even know why they there any more. I hang around down there at the train depot myself, except I know why I’m there, cause I work there. You know, if you ever down there between eight and five, look me up.”

  “I don’t travel by train,” I said, getting up.

  Moses started laughing, then he stopped, he shouted, “One of these days you going to just meet a man, and go somewhere and sleep with him. I know a woman like you. One of these days you . . .”

  Elvira and me ended up in the same cell, because they moved us to make room for the new people.

  “You know why they put us in here together, don’t you?” she asked as soon as we got there and the attendants had left. She sat down on one cot and I lay down on the other one.

  “Naw.”

&nbs
p; “Cause we got the same problem and they think maybe we can help each other out.”

  “I don’t give your kind of help.”

  “Don’t get evil. That ain’t what I mean.” She sounded as if she was going to cry, but when I looked up at her, she wasn’t. She was showing her bad teeth again. “You know what I told you when I give those men that bad whiskey and they got sick. I lied to you. It killed about three of them.”

  I said nothing. I lay on the cot, watching the ceiling. I finally looked across at her again. She had hiked up her dress. I watched her legs, her bare feet. I didn’t look at her face.

  “You hear me?” she asked. “Yeah, I heard you.”

  “They made us roommates cause they know how well we get along with each other,” she said sarcastically.

  “Don’t fuck with me,” I said, looking back at the ceiling. “That’s what my last roommate told me. She said, ‘Don’t

  come fucking with me, cause I got my nigger on the outside. All I’m doing is waiting to get out of here.’ But I know you ain’t got yours on the outside, and you prob”ly be in here longer than I will.”

  Eva? Are you afraid to talk to me?

  No.

  Why did you kill him?

  I was lonely.

  That doesn’t make sense, does it, Eva?

  Yes.

  What happened before you killed him?

  Nothing.

  Then why would you kill him? Were you afraid of him? Did he do something to make you afraid of him?

  No.

  How much of your story is true?

  Everything.

  Not all of it sounds true. Everything.

  Did he do something to frighten you? He humiliated and frightened you, didn’t he?

  She’s crazy. She’s crazy.

  Hush.

  What did he do?

  Nothing.

  Did he say something to hurt you?

  He was on the bed looking at me.

  Have you had any hallucinations since I gave you these?

  No.

  Why did you think you bit it all off?

  I did.

  The police report says you didn’t.

  I did . . . I wanted to.

  You want me to leave now?

  No . . . He was on the bed looking at me. I wanted to get out of there. He didn’t have no right to keep me in there.

  You said you wanted to stay.

  A woman doesn’t belong in the street.

  You had a place to go, you didn’t have to stay there.

  No.

  All right, Eva, I’ll give you the medicine again and we’ll let you go out with the other women. Would you like that?

  A woman doesn’t belong out in the street. He thought I was that kind of woman but I wasn’t. I used to see them jumping out in front of cars to get men. Do as you please. He wouldn’t let me out of there. He thought I belonged in the street.

  What did you want him to think?

  I came over because I thought I could talk to you. I want to fuck you. Can I fuck you?

  Eva.

  Don’t look at me. Don’t make people look at me. I’m not making anybody look at you . . . What?

  He was sitting there looking at me. I didn’t even talk to him . . . I don’t want to go out there.

  You just said you wanted to be with the others . . . Eva, what did he do to you? Why did you think you bit his whole penis off?

  He used the room.

  He used you?

  I wouldn’t talk to him. I didn’t talk to no man for a long time.

  Did he frighten you?

  He was sitting on the bed looking at me.

  What did he do to you, Eva?

  I wasn’t like that. I was just sitting over there. And then he came and sat down and then we went back to his room, but I wasn’t like that. And he was looking at me. He wouldn’t let me comb my hair or nothing. I was just sitting there. I saw him before he saw me. I knew why he came over. I knew he would come over. I hadn’t been with a man for a long time.

  What did he do? What else did he do, Eva?

  I wouldn’t look at him.

  You were afraid of him?

  No.

  I’m wondering if you even liked the man.

  What?

  Why did you pick him? I’m wondering if you liked him.

  I went with him.

  Why were you afraid of him?

  He was just sitting there watching me. I was in the room. He made me stay there.

  Why did you go there in the first place? You had somewhere else to go.

  I’ve been everywhere. I could go anywhere. I . . .

  What?

  Nothing.

  What else were you going to say?

  Nothing.

  What do you think is the matter with you? loneliness. I filled in the spaces. I filled in the spaces and feelings.

  Why did you kill him?

  I filled in the feelings.

  Are you trying to put me on again?

  I did it.

  Did you think Davis was Alfonso?

  No . . . I covered him back up. I saw the blood and covered him back up.

  Did you love him?

  Did you think he was Moses Tripp?

  No.

  You were a lonely woman, weren’t you?

  No.

  You must have been a very lonely woman. You were with him next to no time. And then you did what you did . . . I thought you said you were lonely.

  I don’t know. I don’t remember. I didn’t think I would see him again and I keep seeing him again. Over and over.

  Did he tell you he loved you?

  No.

  Did you tell him?

  No.

  Tell me what happened.

  I did.

  What did he say or do to you?

  Nothing.

  You can’t keep it in you forever.

  Yes.

  It’s like a bad dream, isn’t it?

  I can smell it.

  He’s not here.

  No.

  How long was it, Eva? How long has it been?

  Don’t.

  How long has it been?

  Don’t.

  He went out and then he came back. What happened? Something must have happened before, I mean after he told you about his wife. What else happened?

  He thought I was that kind of woman. I could see it in his eyes. like that other man. In the car. He opened the car door. He thought I was that kind of woman. He expected me to get in, but I didn’t. He slammed the door and drove on.

  You think you’re the only woman that’s happened to?

  He thought I would get in. I went up there with him. Moses said I would go somewhere with a man. It wasn’t a dream. He kept me there. He kept his hands on me.

  It was just because he kept you up in that room and kept his hands on you that you killed him?

  He kept thinking I was that kind of a woman. Always. They would, wouldn’t they. Always. No matter what I. Just because the places I went, the way I talked or how I wore my hair. Any woman’s talk. You know. So he came and sat down. I wasn’t going to nobody else. But he thought I would. After he left me or I left him. He thought I was. The way he was looking at me. James wouldn’t let me have no telephone. When he was sitting on that bed, the way he was looking at me. He came in the house. I was sitting there in the dark. I scared him. He didn’t have to be scared. He could have said anything to me anytime. Every man could look at me the way he was looking. They all would. Even when I. He thought I was his.

  Who?

  He wouldn’t let me comb my hair. I could go anywhere I wanted to. I left him and went to work at Southwestern Tobacco Company, P. Lorillard. I forget. I rode the bus over there. It was a long time ago. Then I wasn’t no man’s woman. They took me right on. I knew he would come over and I’d get up and go with him.

  He didn’t seem to be the kind of man a woman could . . . care about.

  I did.

  Did you real
ly?

  Yes. Why?

  I don’t know.

  He wasn’t a very attractive man.

  Yes he was.

  Not the way you described him to me.

  Yes he was.

  You’re an attractive woman, but he wasn’t a very attractive man.

  He was. I told you how it was. He wasn’t just . . . fucking me. I told you.

  No, Eva. The way you told it that was all he was doing.

  No . . . He told me things. He told me things too. I learned from him.

  What?

  I can’t remember. Things he said.

  Where are you now?

  Here.

  I mean in your mind. Here.

  With me? Yes.

  You don’t remember everything that happened.

  Yes I do.

  You said you didn’t remember.

  No.

  You don’t remember the thing that happened that made you kill him.

  It was his whole way. Describe it.

  I did.

  Tell me again.

  I’m tired.

  Take your head out of your hands.

  I bit down till the blood came.

  Did you want to?

  No.

  Did you want to do anything you did?

  Yes, I.

  What kind of man was he?

  I told you.

  Tell me again.

  He drank it and then he called me a bitch.

  You called him a bastard.

  I have something I want to write down on that paper you gave me. Leave me alone.

  Tell me.

  It was his whole way. Can’t you understand that? Can’t you?

  All right.

  Let me go out there with you.

  You said you didn’t want to go.

  He saw me the same way. I knew what he was doing.

  Here, take this.

  Did you hear what I said? I knew. I knew.

  And you took everything. And . . .

  Don’t explain me. Don’t you explain me. Don’t you explain me.

  Don’t look at me that way.

  You don’t talk much.

  Davis, don’t look at me that way. Why, what way am I looking?

  Naw.

  Come over here. What?

  I like you.

  . . .

  Talk to me. I never seen a woman look at me like that. The way you were looking when you were telling me not to look at you.