Neil nodded. "Wow. Okay. Okay, I can slow down. I guess. I just. I'm sorry."
Jonah sniffed. He hated this. Hated that he was hurting Neil but he couldn't fgure out what he was supposed to say. He wanted to be honest and it was killing him to see that look on Neil's face. Why did they have to have this conversation? Why couldn't they just accept things as they were and move forward without having to discuss anything? Damn it! This wasn't fair. To either of them. Jonah wasn't ready for this.
"Look, we can talk about it later. Like I said, I'm willing to wait. I don't want to be a bastard about it and push for anything right now. I mean, I get that we haven't been dating very long and more than half of that has been long-distance. I guess I just wanted to know what you thought we were doing here."
Jonah shook his head helplessly. "I don't know. I'm sorry, Neil. I don't know."
"Well. We don't have to talk about it now. Right?"
Jonah felt sick but he didn't know what to say to make this better. He couldn't just jump in with both feet. That was ridiculous. Forget about fast. Neil was moving at light speed. Wasn't he? Was Jonah overreacting? Should he have just agreed with Neil?
Neil obviously meant it about not talking because that was the end of their discussion. Jonah really didn't want to start things up again so he breathed a sigh of relief. Neil ended up coming back to sit on the couch and they spent the afternoon watching the Stampeders and Roughriders battle it out on TV so at least they were distracted.
Finally, after Jonah was afraid they were never going to say another word to each other that didn't have to do with football, Neil glanced at his watch and looked over at Jonah.
"We should head to the airport soon. Don't want to miss my fight."
Jonah glanced at his own watch. Neil was going to be pretty damned early if they left now. He nodded wordlessly, though. Part of him was frozen, not sure what to do. Another voice was screaming at him to make things better and open up to Neil. He hadn't felt this undecided in a very long time and he didn't like it. Why did this have to happen now? He needed time to think.
The trip to the airport was spent discussing scores and highlights from the last few games. It was with a sense of both disappointment and relief that Jonah pulled into short term parking at the airport.
"You don't have to come in with me."
"Neil. Please."
Neil sighed. "Okay. Come on. You can walk me to security."
They both got out of the Jeep and Neil picked up his carry on bag. Standing at the back end of the Jeep, Jonah huffed before leaning forward to hug Neil. Their mouths met in a heated— almost desperate—kiss.
The heaviness that had settled in Jonah's gut lessened slightly. Things were going to be okay. They had to be. He just wanted to slow down. Not end. He couldn't stand it if they ended whatever they had, but he wanted to slow down. He just didn't know how to discuss his fears with Neil. Things were different for Neil. He'd never been kicked out of his family because of his sexuality. His parents and brothers accepted and loved him unconditionally.
Neil just didn't understand.
Jonah didn't know what to do. They parted at security with a clutching hug. Jonah was fraught with tension but he couldn't say a word as Neil passed through security and walked away from him.
The sight of Neil walking away had something tearing loose in Jonah's chest. It was all he could do to get home without falling completely apart. Why hadn't he tried to explain himself better? He just couldn't fnd the words.
After a long restless night, Jonah still didn't know what to think but he knew he had to do something. His bed felt empty. His entire house felt empty without Neil's presence. Jonah may never have been in a relationship before Neil but he knew he'd never felt this way about anyone before. He couldn't picture his future without Neil in it. He wanted to make this work, but he wasn't sure they could. There were just too many obstacles in the way. Regardless, he needed to fnd a way to meet Neil halfway.
Crisse, he didn't know what to do. What was wrong with him? He needed someone to give him a good slap upside the head, apparently. With that thought in mind, he picked up the phone and dialed his cousin. He was going to go crazy going around in circles like this by himself.
"Hello?"
Jonah sighed, something in his chest loosening at hearing her voice. "Hey, Reet."
"Bonjour, mon petit chou-feur."
"How are you doing?" Man, it was nice to hear her voice.
"Comme ci, comme ça. Et vous?"
He shrugged. "J'ai été meilleur."
"What's wrong, Jonah?"
"I'm… Neil."
Rita-Anne was silent for a moment. "Are things going okay with you two?"
"I think I messed up. No, I know I messed up."
"What happened?"
"Me. My stupid insecurity happened. I'm just not as
comfortable as he is and it keeps affecting us. I don't know what to do. Our whole relationship has pretty much been about him coming to me. Not once have I ever returned the favor. What does that say about me?
"Crisse, Reet. What kind of person am I? I let him walk away. I let him think I was ashamed to tell people about us. Did you know I actually yelled at him because his mom has been telling people we're in a relationship. All he wanted to do was bring me to his next family reunion. And I practically vomited on the foor in horror. God. What's wrong with me? Did my parents really mess me up that badly?"
"Breathe."
"No, you don't understand." Jonah started to pace back and forth in his bedroom. "I'm an idiot. An idiot and an inconsiderate asshole. What's wrong with me?"
Jonah heard her whisper something. A moment later the phone clicked and Henry's voice came on the line. "Do you want to be with him, Jonah?"
"Of course. Yes. He's… I love him. Oh, God. I love him and I've never said that to him before." He loved Neil. Why hadn't he seen it? The ease of their relationship, how quickly he'd fallen back into the pattern of reaching for Neil at every turn. Of course he loved Neil.
"Chou-feur, if you want him then fght for him," RitaAnne said. "Go to him. Forget about meeting him halfway. Pick yourself up and go to him."
"I—I'm just… I'm…" Could he do that? Could he just go to Gravenhurst?
"You're scared?"
"Yeah."
"I know you are, and there's nothing wrong with that. But, if this is who you want, then you have to take that leap of faith."
Henry broke in again. "Is he worth it, Jonah?"
Jonah didn't even need to think about that. "Yeah. Yes. He's worth more than ten of me combined."
"Then?"
"Then I guess I better start packing. And call the airport for a fight to Toronto."
Rita-Anne sniffed. "That's my boy."
"I love you," Jonah said.
"Aww. I love you too, sweetum," Henry crooned.
"You're an idiot." Jonah couldn't hold back his laughter.
"And I love you, petit chou feur. Go get that man and tell him how you feel."
Jonah said goodbye, dropping the phone on the bed. Hoo boy. He better get a suitcase. Or, better yet, maybe he should just fy as is. It would take too long to pack. Picking the phone back up, he ran for the computer to pull up the phone number for Air Canada. Before he could log on to his computer, though, the phone rang.
"Shit, I don't have time for this!" Pressing the talk button, Jonah practically snarled, "Hello?"
"Ah, hello to you too."
Neil?
chAPteR twenty thRee
"Neil!"
"Hey, J."
"What are you… I mean… I was just going to…" Calm. He needed to be calm.
"You okay, Jonah?"
"Yeah. I miss you. I'm coming out there. I'm sorry. I'm an asshole."
"Uh, Jonah. That might not be the best idea."
Jonah had to make this better. He had to make things right between them. "No, it's the best idea I've ever had. I love you. I want to be with you. We can do whatever you want. I
'll go to your family reunions. I'll introduce you to everyone I know as my lover. I'll march beside you in the pride parades of every city we can travel to. Please. Let me make this up to you. Give me a chance to show you how much I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Neil."
Silence greeted his hastily blurted out words. Jonah pulled the phone away from his ear. "Neil?"
"Uh. Yeah. I, uh." Neil cleared his throat. "You don't have to do anything. You're perfect the way you are and I love you too."
Jonah collapsed back onto his bed. "Thank God."
Neil chuckled. "I mean it. We'll do this at your pace."
"No, we're doing it at your pace. I nearly screwed this up. I'm sorry."
"You didn't screw up anything. Baby, open your door."
"What?"
"Open your door."
Jonah glanced at his bedroom door. "It's open."
"Your front door."
What? Jonah stood up and walked down the stairs and to the front door. Taking a deep breath, he slowly opened it to reveal Neil standing on his front step smiling at him.
"You're here?" he asked into the phone.
Neil started to laugh. "Yeah. I'm here. I wanted to tell you that I love you. I realized I forgot to say it yesterday. I got to thinking and I realized that was what was really important. The rest of it doesn't matter."
"No, it does matter."
"J. Hang up the phone and ask to me to come in. I feel like a fool."
Jonah threw the phone at the couch and threw himself at Neil. He started to laugh. "You're here. You came back. I was going to call for a fight. I was coming to you. You totally ruined my big gesture but I don't care because you're here."
"I don't need a big gesture. I just need you."
"I don't deserve you," Jonah whispered into Neil's shoulder. "I made a mess of everything."
"No, you didn't. We just need to work on our communication."
Jonah laughed despite himself. He clung tighter to Neil. "Don't walk away next time. And don't let me walk away either. I know I have issues. I'm going to work on them, I promise."
"Jonah. It's going to be okay. We'll fgure things out."
"Promise?"
"I am a man who will fght for your honor," Neil sang.
Jonah pulled away, confused. What the hell? "Come on. Don't start that."
"I'll be the hero something something of…"
He started to smile. Only Neil. No wonder he loved the man. "Crisse, Neil. You're off key. And you don't know the words."
"Come on, you know the words. I know you do so you can
sing it for me. It's from your favorite movie."
"You remembered." Damn, Neil completely undid him.
"I love you."
"If you say that I complete you I'm going to punch you in the gut."
They both descended into peals of laughter at that.
"Look this might be rushing things, but considering we both threw out the L word I got you something. It's for your birthday. Which I know is not for another couple weeks but I fgured. Anyway, here. Happy birthday." Neil dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small box.
Jonah lifted the box and opened the lid to stare at the ring nestled inside.
Jonah froze, staring at the ring.
"It's ah… It's a promise ring. I thought you might like it." Neil fdgeted, his nerves apparent in his voice. "It's kind of gay, maybe."
Jonah lifted his brows at that, staring at Neil with a slight smile on his face.
"Shit. I didn't mean it that way. Look… Ah, damn. I rushed it again. It's stupid. I'll get you something else. Just let me take it ba—"
"No. No, I like it." Jonah sidestepped away from Neil. He picked the ring up and slid it onto his right ring fnger. It was sizable, and heavy on his fnger. The band was white gold and sported a classic Claddagh symbol over top a black stone. Two hands holding a heart with a crown lying on top. The crown had three small diamonds inset into it.
"You don't have to." Neil made one last aborted attempt to take the ring back before settling down.
"Perfect ft," Jonah mused.
"I measured," Neil mumbled.
"What?"
"You still wear your grad ring, so I stole that when you were in the shower one morning. Measured it on my own hand. Anyway, the stone is onyx. I thought you'd like that."
Jonah leaned forward and pressed his mouth to Neil's. Neil abruptly deepened the kiss and pulled Jonah closer with his arms banded around him. They parted with a gasp.
"I love you so much." Jonah had to say it again. "And I love the ring. Thank you."
"Baby, I love you too. Are we okay, now?"
Jonah nodded. "We're going to be okay. I promise."
The look on Neil's face at that moment was worth everything. Jonah hoped he saw that look for the rest of his life. He was determined to do whatever it took to make sure of it.
ePiLogue
Three months later
"Hey, Jonah, you still take it up the ass?"
Jonah started, both at the words and the goose that accompanied them.
"You're an idiot." He turned to glare at Neil standing behind him.
"Yeah, but you love me."
"I don't know why, but I do." Damn, he should have never told Neil exactly what Rich had said to him that day in Tim Horton's. Neil had gotten it out of him a few weeks ago and he delighted in repeating the words whenever they entered a Timmies. At least Neil wasn't pissed about it, but he was going to have to stop.
"Can I take your order, sir?"
Neil prodded Jonah in the back, getting him to step forward. Jonah quickly gave his order to the young girl and waited for Neil to give his and pay for the both of them. It was Neil's turn to buy anyway.
Moving to the side, Jonah tapped his foot. "Have you heard anything yet?"
"About?"
"The job?" Jonah was still a little shocked about it but he was overjoyed Neil was actually leaving his job in Ontario and transferring to the Calgary Police Service. It was a big step for them, but one that Jonah looked forward to. They'd already arranged for Neil's belongings to be packed up and trucked out, and Neil would be fying back to Ontario in two days to fnalize everything before coming back for good.
He felt slightly guilty that Neil was the one uprooting his life for Jonah but it had been Neil's decision and he said this was what he wanted. Neil had spent the last few days in Calgary arranging for his tests and everything he needed to do upfront to apply to the CPS. He'd been driving Jonah to work every day and taking the Jeep before coming back later in the afternoon to pick Jonah up and stop in at Timmies on the way home. It had been strangely domestic and Jonah wasn't afraid to admit he'd miss this when Neil started his new job.
"Yeah, I should fnd out tomorrow. He said he'd call me about when I start my two week orientation. Then it's the 12-week feld training phase, but that shouldn't be so bad. At least I'm getting the equivalent salary, so I'm not starting on the ground foor again."
"Hey, at least you passed the polygraph." Jonah snickered.
"Good thing. That would have been a bitch if I hadn't." Neil shook his head with a wicked grin. "Could you imagine the grief the guys would have given me?"
"Here are your coffees." The girl behind the counter held out two cups for them.
Neil grabbed both and they started to walk out of the building. The air was getting a bit brisk these days but it was still nice out. They'd got a nice dump in October of last year and it had made everything miserable for a while, so he was hoping Mother Nature left off a few more weeks at least before it started to snow this year.
"Oh, hey. I talked to Mom this afternoon and she said David's thinking about moving out here too."
Jonah frowned. "What? Why?"
"He thinks he might try and apply to the University of Calgary. Still isn't sure what he wants to take, but hopefully since he took this semester off so he can work he'll have a better idea what he wants to do."
Well, that wouldn't be too bad
. David would have had to move anyway, considering the Tri-Towns didn't exactly have too many options in regards to post-secondary education. Nearly everyone ended up moving to Southern Ontario to attend one of the universities down there but David had decided not to do that right away. While all his friends had gone south he'd stayed home to work out in the bush.
"Would your parents be okay with that?"
Neil shrugged as they reached Jonah's Jeep. Jonah took one of the cups so Neil could get in to the passenger side without scalding himself.
Broken Rules Page 21