by r. h. Sin
22 minutes in a neon room.
i was searching for you
while you chased
after someone who wasn’t me
i was in love
with the idea of knowing you
before i knew you
living in the hell
that i labeled love
while dying to meet
the one in my dreams
not realizing
at the time
that in order to begin
with you
i had to first end it
with any and everyone
incapable of loving me correctly
and you
would only find me
once you decided
to go after more
than you settled for
LAX.
the airport
filled with scattered emotions
some sadness, some pain
some joy, some relief
babies strapped on tight
to their mother’s chest
the old man sitting in front of me
struggles to rest
so many stories playing out
the airport reads like a book
people searching for silence
reading words in a nook
the airport is alive
and it thrives on our souls
the airport is an exhibition
a production, a show
anxious.
uneasy in a room
filled with others
smothered by crowds
anxious from the noise
heard in raging halls
bouncing off the fucking walls
i wish to be alone
hidden behind silence
isolated by peace
away from everything
Feb 22nd.
there was a hole in the ceiling
and our room was too small
to house all of our things
the account was nearly overdrawn
and the stress from it all
felt like tons weighing upon
our fragile shoulders
we were broke
we were broken
we were tired
but we had each other
and that was the richest feeling
we didn’t have much
but we had everything
when together
drunk beneath a pale moon.
I’m in a room, a dark room. Surrounded by candles, the light is flickering off the wall. The flame dances to the silence and the sound of me breathing. I feel alone, nearing loneliness, alone, overthinking. I feel sadness lurking near the windows of my heart as the wrong thoughts overcrowd my mind. I can’t sleep, and so I just lie here with my eyes searching the ceiling for an imperfection, tracing old lines in the paint that give off this illusion of the foundation cracking. This is something I can relate to, being imperfect, feeling as if I’ll crack beneath the weight of it all.
a nightly regret.
i regret being silent
i should’ve said more
but i kept quiet
blaming myself
being weighed down
by the shame of what happened
i trusted you
i shouldn’t have
i allowed you in
i let you get close
to places
you never deserved to be
and you violated me
the betrayal has been heavy
so much that i struggled
to carry myself
suffering from the feeling
of coming undone
i regret being silent
but here i am
made stronger from the pain
more powerful than before
ready to tell the world
i refuse to be silent anymore
something to mentally consume.
I think you want to be the one who changes him. You want to be the one who he gets it right with. You’ve been heavily invested, and now he’s taken advantage of it. I don’t think he respects you in the way you deserve, and now that you’ve allowed him back into your life countless times, he doesn’t take you seriously. I think he believes that no matter what, you guys will just start up again. It’s time to teach him a lesson, and it’s time for you to preserve yourself for something better.
Just think about this . . . life is too short. Are you willing to give up a lifetime of real love for someone who would rather give you a life of pain and sadness? You have the power to let go . . . find it . . . use it. Save yourself.
save me not.
I think I wanted you to save me. I waited for you to breathe life into my fragile body and aching soul. I was lying there, eyes closed, my heart rate slowing down under the pressure of trying to survive for us. I was lying there, lying to myself while you continued to lie to me. You never tried for me, but for some odd reason, I always believed you would. Holding on to a heavy hope, searching for a “yes” in a room filled with everything that screamed “no.” They say love is blind, but I’ve come to understand that was never love, and you were never the love of my life. Instead, you would later become the reason for the death of our union and our existence together, and so I lie here, staring at the ceiling. No longer willing to live for you or us, I am ready to live for myself and the future that will go on without you.
alone near you.
there were days where i considered you a soul mate
but it turns out the love of my life was just a lie
that i allowed myself to believe in
out of fear of being alone
not understanding that i felt the loneliest
whenever standing beside you
young and eager.
so often we give our firsts
to people who will forget us
as soon as something new arrives
so many special moments
wasted on people
who will never appreciate
the memories we gave them
i just wish someone
would have taught me
that waiting would be far more rewarding
than believing the liars
who only told me what i needed to hear
just to get what they always wanted
this almost endless journey.
you want so badly
to find the hands
worthy of touching you
you’ve traveled
to the very ends
of heartache
searching for a love
that would calm
the storms living
within your soul
you’re just tired
of the raging fires
blazing through
the forest in your heart
eager to plant seeds
of love and watch them grow
because you deserve that much
awake, this nightmare.
we were reduced to pictures
in a broken frame
we became the memories
i’d force myself to forget
and you would become
my greatest regret
i miss the life i knew
before knowing you
i made the worst decision
in choosing you
a purple sky and glowing moon.
Travel beneath the surface of her exterior and physical structure, and discover what is covered by a guard in place to protect against anyone who doesn’t deserve to peek into the windows of her so
ul. Earn the opportunity to meet her there in her innermost vulnerability, and have a conversation with her soul if you’re man enough to do so.
I want to speak to her soul, while others are overly eager to touch her physically. I’d like to stimulate the wires of her mind and live there for a lifetime. I dream of dreams that only consist of a woman like her, a woman like you. Let me enter, but only when I am worthy of the key that leads to you, leading me.
the beginning of another end.
where do promises go
when broken
what happens to love
when hearts are shattered
what happens to the truth
that was once given to a liar
we lose these things for one another
then search for them later
to give to someone else
and so it all begins again
the journey of friends
becoming lovers
then enemies in the end
315360000.
i’ve spent so much of my life
searching for the truth in liars
begging for love at the knees
of a person who hated being with me
waiting for a call that wouldn’t come
holding on to the same hand
responsible for my bruises
i’ve spent so much of my life
unable to live, unable to breathe
needing someone who didn’t want me
chasing after the ones who always walk away
claiming to be in love
when really, i was living in a version of hell
that i accepted because deep down
i didn’t really think that i deserved
to have all the things i claimed to want
i’ve spent so much of my life
afraid of being truly happy
while wishing for happiness
lying to myself
pretending to be happy with lovers
who refused to love me
a city being heard.
i love the way the streets of New York
can make chaos look beautiful
the way the winters paint the city cold
forcing me to wrap my arms
around my lover, pulling her close
i fall in love with the Empire State Building
while drinking coffee, standing near the window
looking down to the ground
searching for that maddening sound
of sirens and car horns
the sounds of humans rushing
trying to survive, the hustlers hustling
trying to reach the things that seem out of reach
i love the way the city speaks
it yells out loud, refusing to be quiet
letting its power be heard
i hear it, i crave it, i listen
2/1.
this year
say “no” more often
stop trying for those
who never try for you
choose yourself
whenever others
refuse to choose you
stop settling for a love
that hurts your heart
focus on your goals
your career
never compromise your ambition
for an unhealthy relationship
2/19.
don’t distract her from being great
don’t interrupt her peace of mind
if you’re not man enough
to stand firm beside her
don’t waste her time
don’t even speak to her
2/20.
It hurts right now, you’re tired of going through the same old shit. Your heart is weary, but you’re still powerful. Strong enough to walk away, strong enough to make it without the person you thought you needed.
2/21.
You know what’s sad and ultimately fucked up? You say you want real love, but your significant other is fraudulent. You say you want to be happy, but you insist on holding on to a person who ruins your life. I wish you’d love yourself more.
truly transformative.
she turned sadness into art
she turned pain into pure strength
she took what little they gave her
and made it more valuable
always and over again.
and that’s the problem, love
you’re constantly trying
to save the same man
who could never keep
your heart safe
connection means more.
anyone could give me attention
but i needed more
what i craved the most
was a never-ending connection
with the person
i had always been searching for
wasted years 2005.
Years of feeling like I could never be enough, and yet I continue to try for you. My best efforts made to look like nothing, forcing myself to stay put. Content with a love life that feels like death. There’s no rest for the broken. I know that all too well as I swell up from the abuse, the torture of fighting for someone who would rather fight against me than stand by my side when it’s time to go to war. What am I waiting for? With nothing but sores to show. These wounds and bruises, these scars are caused by you. My fucked-up logic, wanting love but incapable of finding it inside a relationship that feels more like a situational mess.
I tried my best. I try and I try and die some more then again I ask myself, “What have I been fighting for?” Screaming out “Choose me or you’ll lose me” but I’ve yet to leave. Wanting us to work but at the same time realizing that you will never be able to provide all that I need. I see and yet I’m blind all at the same time. My mind overflows like great floods consuming cities. Sometimes I wonder, if I leave you: Would it hurt? Would you miss me? All this history and yet nothing to truly show. Years of feeling like I could never be enough for you has caused so much damage to my fucking soul.
only a climax, nothing more.
It always begins with a lie. Some lonely soul told a bunch of bullshit that sounds pretty enough to believe. You never truly see it coming until they’re done coming. The climax marks the end of something you were made to think would last forever, but it was only for the moment, and you were only a tool in assisting them to find pleasure. It always begins with a lie, some false comfort. True intentions wrapped up in a box with so many bows that you deem it believable, and you never see the truth until it’s over and you’re left there alone, back where you began. Trying to figure out how to piece yourself back together.
tend to your devices.
cell phones make people invisible
haven’t you noticed?
no you haven’t
your attention redirected to a screen
making everything else obsolete
phone in hand, attention robbed
and those who sit among you
feel neglected
and one day you’ll regret this
until then
your only friend
seems to be
the device you’ve chosen to hold
that thing you’d rather look at
instead of me
but see, maybe it’s not your fault
child of a golden age of distractions
forced into a space
where you’d rather face a screen
than look at me
relating through sex.
how sad, lonely, and haunting
it must be
to only be able
to relate to other
s through sex
pretending to be okay
with being used
by those who don’t deserve
to lie beside you
how sad it must be
to pretend that not caring
is some skill to be proud of
all because you’ve chosen
to settle for less than
what you deserve
pretending that it’s everything
you’ve ever wanted
and so, you find yourself
in the arms of lovers
incapable of actually loving you
how sad and lonely
you must feel
pretending to be fine
while wasting your energy and time
wasted years 2014.
eventually my heart
stopped beating for you
it took some time
but my heart stopped aching for you
they say moving on is difficult
but so many say this without truly trying
without actually making an effort
to walk away from everything
that no longer deserves their presence
and so i took my things
left behind what i couldn’t carry
i burned most of what we had
and the rest got buried
scary at first
but staying where i wasn’t appreciated
would’ve been worse
i needed more of what
you refused to provide
i wanted to be with someone
who was nothing like you
from 15.
they play like loops
from my apartment window
i observe from 15 floors
above the ground
the people running late
people running toward their train
conversations floating in the cold air
sirens sounding off
like melodic screams for attention
my city is alive
my city is wide awake
even when the sun
chooses not to show its face