Empty Bottles Full of Stories

Home > Other > Empty Bottles Full of Stories > Page 5
Empty Bottles Full of Stories Page 5

by r. h. Sin


  22 minutes in a neon room.

  i was searching for you

  while you chased

  after someone who wasn’t me

  i was in love

  with the idea of knowing you

  before i knew you

  living in the hell

  that i labeled love

  while dying to meet

  the one in my dreams

  not realizing

  at the time

  that in order to begin

  with you

  i had to first end it

  with any and everyone

  incapable of loving me correctly

  and you

  would only find me

  once you decided

  to go after more

  than you settled for

  LAX.

  the airport

  filled with scattered emotions

  some sadness, some pain

  some joy, some relief

  babies strapped on tight

  to their mother’s chest

  the old man sitting in front of me

  struggles to rest

  so many stories playing out

  the airport reads like a book

  people searching for silence

  reading words in a nook

  the airport is alive

  and it thrives on our souls

  the airport is an exhibition

  a production, a show

  anxious.

  uneasy in a room

  filled with others

  smothered by crowds

  anxious from the noise

  heard in raging halls

  bouncing off the fucking walls

  i wish to be alone

  hidden behind silence

  isolated by peace

  away from everything

  Feb 22nd.

  there was a hole in the ceiling

  and our room was too small

  to house all of our things

  the account was nearly overdrawn

  and the stress from it all

  felt like tons weighing upon

  our fragile shoulders

  we were broke

  we were broken

  we were tired

  but we had each other

  and that was the richest feeling

  we didn’t have much

  but we had everything

  when together

  drunk beneath a pale moon.

  I’m in a room, a dark room. Surrounded by candles, the light is flickering off the wall. The flame dances to the silence and the sound of me breathing. I feel alone, nearing loneliness, alone, overthinking. I feel sadness lurking near the windows of my heart as the wrong thoughts overcrowd my mind. I can’t sleep, and so I just lie here with my eyes searching the ceiling for an imperfection, tracing old lines in the paint that give off this illusion of the foundation cracking. This is something I can relate to, being imperfect, feeling as if I’ll crack beneath the weight of it all.

  a nightly regret.

  i regret being silent

  i should’ve said more

  but i kept quiet

  blaming myself

  being weighed down

  by the shame of what happened

  i trusted you

  i shouldn’t have

  i allowed you in

  i let you get close

  to places

  you never deserved to be

  and you violated me

  the betrayal has been heavy

  so much that i struggled

  to carry myself

  suffering from the feeling

  of coming undone

  i regret being silent

  but here i am

  made stronger from the pain

  more powerful than before

  ready to tell the world

  i refuse to be silent anymore

  something to mentally consume.

  I think you want to be the one who changes him. You want to be the one who he gets it right with. You’ve been heavily invested, and now he’s taken advantage of it. I don’t think he respects you in the way you deserve, and now that you’ve allowed him back into your life countless times, he doesn’t take you seriously. I think he believes that no matter what, you guys will just start up again. It’s time to teach him a lesson, and it’s time for you to preserve yourself for something better.

  Just think about this . . . life is too short. Are you willing to give up a lifetime of real love for someone who would rather give you a life of pain and sadness? You have the power to let go . . . find it . . . use it. Save yourself.

  save me not.

  I think I wanted you to save me. I waited for you to breathe life into my fragile body and aching soul. I was lying there, eyes closed, my heart rate slowing down under the pressure of trying to survive for us. I was lying there, lying to myself while you continued to lie to me. You never tried for me, but for some odd reason, I always believed you would. Holding on to a heavy hope, searching for a “yes” in a room filled with everything that screamed “no.” They say love is blind, but I’ve come to understand that was never love, and you were never the love of my life. Instead, you would later become the reason for the death of our union and our existence together, and so I lie here, staring at the ceiling. No longer willing to live for you or us, I am ready to live for myself and the future that will go on without you.

  alone near you.

  there were days where i considered you a soul mate

  but it turns out the love of my life was just a lie

  that i allowed myself to believe in

  out of fear of being alone

  not understanding that i felt the loneliest

  whenever standing beside you

  young and eager.

  so often we give our firsts

  to people who will forget us

  as soon as something new arrives

  so many special moments

  wasted on people

  who will never appreciate

  the memories we gave them

  i just wish someone

  would have taught me

  that waiting would be far more rewarding

  than believing the liars

  who only told me what i needed to hear

  just to get what they always wanted

  this almost endless journey.

  you want so badly

  to find the hands

  worthy of touching you

  you’ve traveled

  to the very ends

  of heartache

  searching for a love

  that would calm

  the storms living

  within your soul

  you’re just tired

  of the raging fires

  blazing through

  the forest in your heart

  eager to plant seeds

  of love and watch them grow

  because you deserve that much

  awake, this nightmare.

  we were reduced to pictures

  in a broken frame

  we became the memories

  i’d force myself to forget

  and you would become

  my greatest regret

  i miss the life i knew

  before knowing you

  i made the worst decision

  in choosing you

  a purple sky and glowing moon.

  Travel beneath the surface of her exterior and physical structure, and discover what is covered by a guard in place to protect against anyone who doesn’t deserve to peek into the windows of her so
ul. Earn the opportunity to meet her there in her innermost vulnerability, and have a conversation with her soul if you’re man enough to do so.

  I want to speak to her soul, while others are overly eager to touch her physically. I’d like to stimulate the wires of her mind and live there for a lifetime. I dream of dreams that only consist of a woman like her, a woman like you. Let me enter, but only when I am worthy of the key that leads to you, leading me.

  the beginning of another end.

  where do promises go

  when broken

  what happens to love

  when hearts are shattered

  what happens to the truth

  that was once given to a liar

  we lose these things for one another

  then search for them later

  to give to someone else

  and so it all begins again

  the journey of friends

  becoming lovers

  then enemies in the end

  315360000.

  i’ve spent so much of my life

  searching for the truth in liars

  begging for love at the knees

  of a person who hated being with me

  waiting for a call that wouldn’t come

  holding on to the same hand

  responsible for my bruises

  i’ve spent so much of my life

  unable to live, unable to breathe

  needing someone who didn’t want me

  chasing after the ones who always walk away

  claiming to be in love

  when really, i was living in a version of hell

  that i accepted because deep down

  i didn’t really think that i deserved

  to have all the things i claimed to want

  i’ve spent so much of my life

  afraid of being truly happy

  while wishing for happiness

  lying to myself

  pretending to be happy with lovers

  who refused to love me

  a city being heard.

  i love the way the streets of New York

  can make chaos look beautiful

  the way the winters paint the city cold

  forcing me to wrap my arms

  around my lover, pulling her close

  i fall in love with the Empire State Building

  while drinking coffee, standing near the window

  looking down to the ground

  searching for that maddening sound

  of sirens and car horns

  the sounds of humans rushing

  trying to survive, the hustlers hustling

  trying to reach the things that seem out of reach

  i love the way the city speaks

  it yells out loud, refusing to be quiet

  letting its power be heard

  i hear it, i crave it, i listen

  2/1.

  this year

  say “no” more often

  stop trying for those

  who never try for you

  choose yourself

  whenever others

  refuse to choose you

  stop settling for a love

  that hurts your heart

  focus on your goals

  your career

  never compromise your ambition

  for an unhealthy relationship

  2/19.

  don’t distract her from being great

  don’t interrupt her peace of mind

  if you’re not man enough

  to stand firm beside her

  don’t waste her time

  don’t even speak to her

  2/20.

  It hurts right now, you’re tired of going through the same old shit. Your heart is weary, but you’re still powerful. Strong enough to walk away, strong enough to make it without the person you thought you needed.

  2/21.

  You know what’s sad and ultimately fucked up? You say you want real love, but your significant other is fraudulent. You say you want to be happy, but you insist on holding on to a person who ruins your life. I wish you’d love yourself more.

  truly transformative.

  she turned sadness into art

  she turned pain into pure strength

  she took what little they gave her

  and made it more valuable

  always and over again.

  and that’s the problem, love

  you’re constantly trying

  to save the same man

  who could never keep

  your heart safe

  connection means more.

  anyone could give me attention

  but i needed more

  what i craved the most

  was a never-ending connection

  with the person

  i had always been searching for

  wasted years 2005.

  Years of feeling like I could never be enough, and yet I continue to try for you. My best efforts made to look like nothing, forcing myself to stay put. Content with a love life that feels like death. There’s no rest for the broken. I know that all too well as I swell up from the abuse, the torture of fighting for someone who would rather fight against me than stand by my side when it’s time to go to war. What am I waiting for? With nothing but sores to show. These wounds and bruises, these scars are caused by you. My fucked-up logic, wanting love but incapable of finding it inside a relationship that feels more like a situational mess.

  I tried my best. I try and I try and die some more then again I ask myself, “What have I been fighting for?” Screaming out “Choose me or you’ll lose me” but I’ve yet to leave. Wanting us to work but at the same time realizing that you will never be able to provide all that I need. I see and yet I’m blind all at the same time. My mind overflows like great floods consuming cities. Sometimes I wonder, if I leave you: Would it hurt? Would you miss me? All this history and yet nothing to truly show. Years of feeling like I could never be enough for you has caused so much damage to my fucking soul.

  only a climax, nothing more.

  It always begins with a lie. Some lonely soul told a bunch of bullshit that sounds pretty enough to believe. You never truly see it coming until they’re done coming. The climax marks the end of something you were made to think would last forever, but it was only for the moment, and you were only a tool in assisting them to find pleasure. It always begins with a lie, some false comfort. True intentions wrapped up in a box with so many bows that you deem it believable, and you never see the truth until it’s over and you’re left there alone, back where you began. Trying to figure out how to piece yourself back together.

  tend to your devices.

  cell phones make people invisible

  haven’t you noticed?

  no you haven’t

  your attention redirected to a screen

  making everything else obsolete

  phone in hand, attention robbed

  and those who sit among you

  feel neglected

  and one day you’ll regret this

  until then

  your only friend

  seems to be

  the device you’ve chosen to hold

  that thing you’d rather look at

  instead of me

  but see, maybe it’s not your fault

  child of a golden age of distractions

  forced into a space

  where you’d rather face a screen

  than look at me

  relating through sex.

  how sad, lonely, and haunting

  it must be

  to only be able

  to relate to other
s through sex

  pretending to be okay

  with being used

  by those who don’t deserve

  to lie beside you

  how sad it must be

  to pretend that not caring

  is some skill to be proud of

  all because you’ve chosen

  to settle for less than

  what you deserve

  pretending that it’s everything

  you’ve ever wanted

  and so, you find yourself

  in the arms of lovers

  incapable of actually loving you

  how sad and lonely

  you must feel

  pretending to be fine

  while wasting your energy and time

  wasted years 2014.

  eventually my heart

  stopped beating for you

  it took some time

  but my heart stopped aching for you

  they say moving on is difficult

  but so many say this without truly trying

  without actually making an effort

  to walk away from everything

  that no longer deserves their presence

  and so i took my things

  left behind what i couldn’t carry

  i burned most of what we had

  and the rest got buried

  scary at first

  but staying where i wasn’t appreciated

  would’ve been worse

  i needed more of what

  you refused to provide

  i wanted to be with someone

  who was nothing like you

  from 15.

  they play like loops

  from my apartment window

  i observe from 15 floors

  above the ground

  the people running late

  people running toward their train

  conversations floating in the cold air

  sirens sounding off

  like melodic screams for attention

  my city is alive

  my city is wide awake

  even when the sun

  chooses not to show its face

 

‹ Prev