The Art of Pretending

by Raquel De Leon

  She sucked in a breath when she felt Nira’s wet heat against her stomach.

  Nira nuzzled into her cheek, and Ashley could feel her smile.

  “I’m going to miss this.”

  Glad that Nira couldn’t see her face (or the way her eyes flashed open), Ashley attempted to steady her pounding heart. “You’ll only be gone a week.”

  “Yeah.”

  The single word was low and soft, almost a whisper that Ashley wasn’t sure she would have heard if they weren’t so close. It felt like Ashley’s heart stuttered in her chest. It was her own old insecurities that was making things worse. Wasn’t it?

  She held her breath and squeezed her eyes shut. Nira wanted her to be more open.

  “Nira.” Her voice came out strained, so she cleared her throat. “Nira, I like you a lot. I really enjoy being with you. I was wondering if, maybe, it might be time to clarify our relationship.”

  Nira’s arms loosened around her neck. She pushed up partially onto her arms so she could see Nira’s face.

  Nira’s lips were pursed, her blue eyes flickering briefly over Ashley’s face before she looked away. Her throat worked before she spoke. “What did you have in mind?”

  Trying to maintain a hint of optimism, Ashley steeled herself. “I was wondering if I could call you my girlfriend, for starters.”

  Nira was silent for what seemed a small eternity. “Okay.”

  Ashley managed a stiff smile. “Okay.” It wasn’t what she’d expected. A forceful ‘no’, a happy ‘yes’, or anything with any more emotion had been what she’d braced for. She didn’t know what to do with ‘okay’. It wasn’t a no, at least?

  She dropped her head to Nira’s shoulder so she wouldn’t have to look her in the eye. Nira hugged her, and she tried to take comfort in that. The small flicker of hope she’d felt for them as a couple became smaller.

  At least she hadn’t been dumb enough to drop the L word. Her smile became sad. She shut her eyes and decided to just enjoy the time they had left.

  “I never thought I’d be anyone’s girlfriend at thirty-two,” Nira eventually said.

  Ashley snorted. “There are a lot of things I never thought I’d do by twenty-six. Plenty more that I thought I would have already done.” She paused when she felt Nira chuckle, once again gathering her courage. “Is the girlfriend thing okay? You shouldn’t say yes because you feel pressured about it.”

  “That’s not it. I think it’s a good idea. We should try it out.”

  Somehow not feeling better at all, Ashley nodded. Nira had been so sure when she’d asked Ashley for a kiss at Lake Travis. Decisions were easier when you let your body do all the thinking, Ashley concluded sourly.

  She shook the feelings away. She knew Nira hadn’t been in the best place when they’d started things. Nira was still processing a lot, and it was unfair to let her own insecurities make things worse. If Nira still wasn’t sure, Ashley would be confident enough for the both of them. Nira just needed time and space to think. The week apart would be good for them.

  She quieted the smaller voice in her head that added: or really bad for her.

  “We’ve still got two days. The obvious solution, since I was smart enough to take the time off, is to indulge in all the things you think you’ll be missing.” She shifted so her palms were flat against the mattress, then pushed herself up.

  Nira raised an eyebrow. There was a twinkle in her eyes. “Oh? Was there something specific you wanted to do?”

  Ashley grinned. “Well, considering you’re the one who’s going to be so distraught, you should pick.”

  Nira glanced down at Ashley’s mouth. She bit her lip. “What if I said I wanted to do some needlepoint?”

  “Then I guess I’ll have to dig out my sewing kit,” Ashley returned without missing a beat.

  “So accommodating.” Nira trailed her fingertips over Ashley’s shoulders. “What if I said I wanted to have sex until we faint, then cuddle. When we’re hungry, there’s takeout, and then I want you to hold me and tell me all the things you thought you’d do by twenty-six.”

  Ashley bent to give her a kiss. There was hope. “Sounds good to me.”

  Nira cupped her cheeks when the kiss ended. She examined Ashley’s face, then gently shook her head. “I feel like something’s changed. You’ve been… different lately. Now you’re, well, you again?”

  Ashley held her breath. Had Nira been picking up on her insecurities? Huh. “Well, I do have this really hot girlfriend now.”

  To her utter delight, Nira burst into laughter. Yeah, there was hope. Ashley was determined not to make the same mistakes she’d made in the past, or to let the weight of those mistakes keep her from trying. Nira was worth it.

  Nine

  Going back to Pennsylvania always felt like stepping into another world. It wasn’t the landscape or the weather, though there were some distinct differences from Texas.

  Being in Pennsylvania meant a return to her family, and their community. It was technically her community too, but it didn’t always feel like it. She’d never been overly religious, though she did enjoy a lot of the family traditions that came with it. One of the things she didn’t miss was the gossip. Everyone always had opinions on everyone else’s life, expressed in varying ways.

  The day of the bat mitzvah, she was glad Ashley had initiated the girlfriend talk.

  The services were lovely, but at the evening celebration her mom seemed distracted. “You’re up to something. What is it?” Nira scrutinized her mother’s expression.

  Dana Levinson affected an innocent look, the few wrinkles on her face smoothing out as she glanced back at Nira. “Why does something have to be up? Can’t I just be happy to spend time with my daughter?” She pressed a hand to her chest. “I’m just looking for your aunties, that’s all.”

  Her suspicion growing, Nira let it go. “Okay.”

  Dana’s dark blue eyes seemed to twinkle. “Good. Yes, let’s see. Yes! They’re near the drinks. Come along. Now, I don’t want you to feel pressured—it’s been long enough since you ditched that goy—but what does it hurt for two young people to talk, hm?”

  Understanding hit Nira like a ton of bricks. “Ma, no!” Nira attempted to stop her forward motion, but Dana simply hooked their arms together and continued toward a woman she’d been briefly introduced to at the synagogue.

  “Oh, Eliza! It’s so nice to see you, and such good timing. You remember Nira, yes? Good, good. I have to see her uncle about a dance. Keep her company.” The words came out in a flurry, and Nira was left standing next to Eliza before she could think of interrupting her mother.

  Nira hugged an arm around herself and gave Eliza a tight smile. She held up her glass of water like a shield.

  Eliza’s smile was equally stiff. “Sorry. I should have seen that coming.”

  “Me too.” Nira sighed and tried to find her mother’s diminutive form in the crowd. “I’m only here another couple of days, and yet she still finds the time to do this.”

  “Well, maybe she thinks you’ll move back if you connect with someone here.” Eliza shrugged and watched the people on the dance floor.

  Nira turned her head. Eliza was attractive, with short straight black hair that was perfectly in place, which contrasted with her pale skin and soft hazel eyes. Taller than Nira by at least six inches, the cut of her sleek grey suit made her seem even taller.

  Maybe, if Nira hadn’t connected with Ashley, she might have been interested in Eliza. Then again, she’d been a mess before Ashley.

  She turned back to the party and hid a smile behind her glass. Ashley was an amazing woman. Lately, sometimes Nira even felt like Ashley was too good for her. She’d messed up with the girlfriend talk. It had just been unexpected. She’d been unprepared.

  “I’ve already told her and my aunties that I have a girlfriend. I won’t be making a match here.” Using the word made a thrill of delight travel along her spine. She’d really and truly done Ashley a disservice. She hadn�
��t felt this way in so long.

  Eliza gave her a surprised look. “Oh, yeah? That’s a relief. I’m actually seeing someone, too.”

  Nira clicked her tongue and shook her head, suddenly feeling more relaxed. “They’re impossible.”

  “That’s family for you.” Eliza shrugged. “So, how long have you and your girlfriend been together?”

  “A couple of months.” Nira glanced around the celebration. “Although I guess we’ve only started using the g-word recently. You?”

  “About the same. Well, except I’ve called her my girlfriend from the start.”

  Nira bit her lip and glanced back to Eliza, feeling the need to explain. “I mean, I get that. I just got divorced last year, which I’m sure you already know with the way everyone talks.”

  Eliza raised her eyebrows. “Are you kidding? There’s a reason I haven’t told anyone I’m not single yet. I want to keep my relationship to myself just a little longer. This one feels special, you know?”

  “That’s nice.” Nira pressed a hand to her chest, hoping to subconsciously ease the soft ache that had begun there. “Ashley is special to me, too. I just want to take things slowly.”

  “Nothing wrong with slow,” Eliza agreed with a small nod. “Amanda, my girlfriend, had just come out of something serious when we met, too.”

  “Oh?” Nira turned her full attention to Eliza. “How’s she handling things?”

  “Good, all things considered. We had a rough patch about a month in, but that’s what talking is for.” Eliza sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “Sometimes, I still worry if she really wants to be with me. I know it’s stupid, but I’m just crazy about her and she’s… well she likes spending time together.”

  A loud song came on, causing them both to wince. Nira tilted her head to the side, indicating some tables to the furthest side of the room. “Let’s go sit where we can actually hear each other.”

  Eliza bobbed her head and motioned for Nira to lead the way.

  Within moments, they were sitting in semi-awkward silence.

  “I, uh,” Eliza scratched her cheek, “I didn’t mean to bring that up.”

  Nira shook her head. “No, come on. You obviously need to talk. It’s nice to get an outside opinion from time to time.”

  Eliza took a deep breath and leaned back in her seat. “She just closes herself off sometimes. We’ll be having fun, or just,” she waved her hands in the air, “being together and she gets this look on her face and goes quiet. I’m already in love with her—I’m not rushing, I promise. We were friends for almost a year first. In the beginning she just seemed so happy. Now I wonder if I haven’t just been a rebound,” her voice cracked, “and she’s regretting, you know.”

  “You said you were friends first. Has she always been like that? Quick to jump into relationships, I mean?”

  “Well, no.” Eliza watched the dance floor for a few beats. “She’s a serious person. I’ve never felt this insecure before and it’s killing me. I’m trying my best not to show it. I’ve almost told her I love her a hundred times, but I feel like that would just put pressure on her.”

  Nira pursed her lips and crossed her legs at the ankle. “That is tough.” For a moment, Nira imagined how she might feel if Ashley were to use the L word. Her stomach tightened to an almost painful degree, then a curious thing happened. The tension eased and was replaced by a soft fluttering feeling. Giddiness stole through her in waves. Oh.

  She curled her arms around herself as she tried to hold onto the feeling, then cleared her throat. “Is Amanda the type of person who hates to be alone?”

  “No.” Eliza ducked her head. “I’m coming off as an idiot.”

  “Love does funny things to us.” Nira quirked a corner of her mouth up and peered at Eliza. “I know it’s going to sound scary, but I think you should just tell her how you feel. I don’t know her, but I don’t think she’s just scared. If she chose you and has continued to choose you every day for the last few months, I think it’s just her past making things difficult. It’s best for you to find out, either way. The heartbreak only gets worse the longer you’re together.”

  They didn’t speak for a while, instead listening along as one song became another and the dancing became livelier.

  “You’re right.” Eliza tossed her head to the side. “And if she’s not ready to say it back yet, I think I’ll be okay with that. I just hate hiding how I feel.”

  Nira reached out to squeeze her forearm and smiled. “I really hope things work out for you.”

  “For you, too.” Eliza scooted her chair back. “Thanks for the talk. I need to go make the rounds so I can cut out early. There’s someone else I need to talk to.”

  Nira stood with her. “You’re not the only one.”

  ***

  Ashley was having a horrible day. The laundry room in her apartment complex had flooded, so she’d needed to run out to a coin-operated laundromat to get her laundry done. Somewhere between running the loads from machine to machine, she’d lost her favorite shirt. Then, just as she’d finally made it back to her place to try and relax for the rest of her day off, she’d been asked to cover someone’s shift at Melby’s.

  To top it all off, Nira hadn’t called her the night before like she’d said she would. It wouldn’t have bothered Ashley much if she hadn’t hopped on Facebook. One of Nira’s family members had tagged Nira for an album of pictures from the bat mitzvah. Feeling curious, Ashley had clicked through. There were some great photos, but the one of Nira and another woman sitting close together with the caption, “Another successful match!” underneath had made Ashley turn her computer off.

  It didn’t mean anything. It could have been a simple misunderstanding. Maybe they were even old friends. But then, why hadn’t Nira called?

  Ashley had done her best to shove her conclusions to the darkest corners of her mind. Nira liked her. She’d probably just been tired.

  She hadn’t called Ashley all day either, even knowing it was Ashley’s day off.

  Three hours into a shift that wasn’t hers, a customer ran into her at full force, sending piping hot soup down the front of her apron and slacks. She forced a smile and accepted the apologies even as her eyes stung and she worked the apron free. Chelsea and Denise hurried to help, allowing her to retreat to the employee bathroom to clean herself up.

  Having (of course) forgotten to pack extra clothes, she smelled faintly of tomato soup for the rest of the night. She’d been lucky that her thick apron had caught the worst of everything, at least.

  It was a day of mitigated disasters, but they were disasters all the same.

  As closing time drew closer, she found herself hanging onto her sense of composure by a thread. “I’ll be right back,” she muttered to Denise as she left in the middle of wiping down a table.

  She rushed back to the employee bathroom (which was blessedly vacant) and made it inside just in time to burst into tears. “Fuck,” she mumbled as she wiped uselessly at her face. The tears wouldn’t stop, and she didn’t know why.

  After a few minutes that felt more like a few hours, she managed to calm herself. Stifling a hiccup, she grabbed a wad of tissues to attempt to clean up. Her eyes were puffy, her nose was red, and her hair refused to be tamed. A shifting sensation in her abdomen made her frown, so she sat on the toilet to relieve herself.

  There were spots of blood on her underwear. She buried her face in her hands, a wild laugh escaping as incredulity set in. Her period was two days early, but of course it was. Her bag (with its emergency tampons) was still hanging up by the rear entrance. She wanted to scream. Instead, she laughed some more.

  Soft knocking at the door drew her attention.

  “Ash? Everything okay?” Denise’s question was muffled by the door.

  Ashley was happy to hear her voice. “Not exactly, but I’m glad you’re here. Can you get my bag for me?”

  “Sure. Just a sec.”

  Ashley tucked some toilet paper temporarily in place
and waited by the door. Denise returned quickly, and Ashley thanked her profusely.

  She took her time cleaning up properly and felt slightly better when she left the bathroom. She’d had a shitty day. So what? It happened to everyone.

  With new determination, she got back to work. The customers had cleared out, and the dining area was peaceful. Someone had finished wiping down her tables, so she amicably went about putting the chairs up so the floors could be taken care of.

  She wasn’t sure how long she’d been working when the sound of someone clearing their throat broke her concentration.