The Art of Pretending

by Raquel De Leon

  “When did you and Regan meet, exactly?” she immediately asked once she was back in the living room.

  “Last April. I want you to know that, even though she told me you were separated, nothing happened for months. A big part of me was hoping we would just be friends, and the two of you would end up back together. Thirteen years isn’t something I’d leave behind easily.”

  In that moment, Nira realized how much she and Regan had grown apart. “Erin. I don’t know how to tell you this, but Regan and I didn’t separate until July.” Nira still remembered that fourth of July with a distant sense of horror. Amy’s annual BBQ had been nice, but the casual way Regan had said “I want a divorce” in the car on the way home had caught her completely off-guard.

  Erin’s bright pink face blanched. Her eyes went wide. “No.”

  The last of Nira’s animosity faded until nearly nothing was left. “Yes. I’m sorry.”

  Erin’s face seemed to crumple as she again began to cry. “You’re sorry? I broke you guys up.”

  Nira met her eyes and steadied herself with a breath. “No, Erin. Regan did that all on her own.”

  ***

  “Did you have fun today?”

  Ashley paused buttoning up her shirt. She thought about telling a white lie, but she didn’t like doing that. “Not really.”

  She heard Nira cross the room, then warm hands were sliding up her back and onto her shoulders. “That sucks. Honestly, I wanted you to stay with me and fool around, but I at least hoped you’d enjoy yourself today.”

  Ashley hummed and leaned back when Nira’s arms draped over her shoulders. “I should have stayed with you. I was just feeling off today.”

  “About what?” Nira’s voice softened. “Us?”

  Again, Ashley considered a white lie. It would be easier, and less scary. “Kind of, yeah. At first, I was just so wrapped up in you that I didn’t think anything could bother me. Then Terri and the others started joking about it. And I could tell Regan hated it. And, even though you haven’t really liked PDA before, you were very affectionate in front of everyone today. I guess I just worried that it was all to piss Regan off. I didn’t know how to act.”

  She felt Nira physically recoil, her arms retreating almost entirely, before tentatively returning around Ashley’s waist.

  “Do you really think so little of me, that I would use you like that after…?”

  Ashley grunted and turned, her hands on Nira’s arms so she wouldn’t pull away. “No, it’s not like that. I really like you, Nira. You’re incredible.” Ashley risked freeing a hand to cup Nira’s cheek. “I’m just not as confident as I seem. Not about everything, anyway. Especially not about you.” She traced Nira’s cheekbone with her thumb. “The first morning I woke up next to you, I thought I was dreaming. Being with you feels too good to be real.”

  Nira’s arms tightened around her middle, bringing their bodies closer. “I guess I can understand that. I love being with you, Ashley. I feel,” she sucked in a breath, “so much. But I’m real. This is real, and it’s not good for you to idealize me or us.”

  “Sorry,” Ashley said with a wry grin. Her throat felt thick. “It’s hard, since I’ve had a bit of a crush on you for years. I was able to shelve that since we became friends, but now I just, yeah.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry I’m making this weird.”

  “A crush, huh? I don’t think that makes this weird, but even if it did, I’d rather you be honest with me than keep these things to yourself.” Nira caught her gaze and wouldn’t let her look away. “If you really want to try this, Ashley, I need you to also try to be more open. Less in your head. Please. I really, really like you.”

  Ashley thought of the few short disastrous attempts at relationships she’d attempted in the last few years. Ultimately, she’d been too scared to get emotionally involved with anyone.

  God, she didn’t want that to happen with Nira. She wasn’t sure she could bear it. “I’ll do my best.” When Nira’s smile blossomed and Ashley felt compelled to kiss her, she realized what was different this time.

  She was already in love with Nira.

  **

  For the last night of their mini holiday, everyone dressed up for a nice dinner. Ashley had donned a white button-up and a pair of khakis, while Nira had chosen a pastel blue dress with a white aster print.

  At Nira’s behest, Ashley left her hair down. She was immediately rewarded when Nira took to playing with the ends of her hair. When the touches persisted through dinner, Ashley didn’t question them.

  She felt warm as Nira forgot herself again and began running a hand up and down Ashley’s back. Ashley could hardly remember what she’d eaten.

  Everyone seemed relaxed as the waiters served coffee—except for Erin. Ashley had gotten a quick rundown of the time Nira had spent with the younger girl earlier, and she could only imagine the things running through Erin’s head.

  “That’s enough,” Erin finally spat out once the waiter had gone. “I wanted to talk about this like mature adults, but instead you keep avoiding it, like that will make it better.” She threw her napkin on top of the table. “You want me to wait to make a decision, but for what, Regan?”

  Regan’s eyes darted around the table, her pallor becoming a sickly white. “Erin, please.”

  “No. I don’t need to wait. You not only lied to me, but to Nira. A relationship can’t be built on a lie.” Erin gritted her teeth and glared directly at Regan. “My friends told me that there was something off with our relationship. Now I know what it is. I don’t know what kind of mid-life crisis you’re going through or whatever, but I’m not going to be a part of it. I deserve better.”

  With that, Erin pushed her chair back with a screech. She tossed some money haphazardly to the table and took off. Regan stood, but didn’t follow.

  Ashley liked to give people the benefit of the doubt. She didn’t like making snap judgements. In that moment, she genuinely couldn’t help herself. “You really are just an asshole, aren’t you? You need to figure yourself out before you completely ruin your life.”

  For their part, Leisha, Amy, and Terri seemed confused. Ashley wondered if, when they learned the truth, they might finally be willing to confront Regan about her behavior.

  “Shut up,” Regan hissed, “you’re hardly better than me, pouncing on Nira when she’s vulnerable.”

  Nira snapped up straight in her chair. “No, Regan. Sit down and shut the fuck up.” Her mouth was a hard line of disgust as she watched a surprised Regan do just that. “You don’t talk to Ashley that way. Now, do you want to tell Amy and the others the truth, or should I?”

  Ashley wondered if it was weird that she was aroused. In all the time she’d spent with Nira, she’d only heard her cuss once, and never raise her voice. A happy collection of tingles raced along her skin and spine. Most importantly, Ashley didn’t feel that Nira’s defense was for show.

  She found Nira’s hand under the table and squeezed it. Nira squeezed back. Progress, she hoped.

  “What is she talking about, Regan?” Leisha asked first.

  As Regan awkwardly began her explanation, Nira leaned toward Ashley and initiated a low conversation. “My complicated feelings with her aside, I think maybe we should go check on Erin. She’s young, in a strange place, and alone.”

  Ashley had to force herself not to kiss Nira full on the mouth. “You’re a good person, you know that?”

  “Shush,” Nira muttered with pink cheeks. “She’s someone’s child, Ashley.”

  “Hey, I’m not picking on you. I love that you care so much about people.” Ashley was certain it made Nira a great teacher, among other things. “It’s my turn to pay, so why don’t you peek outside and see if you can find her? I’ll be with you in a sec.”

  Nira, apparently devoid of Ashley’s hesitation, leaned in for a kiss. “Mmkay,” she murmured once it ended. “Don’t take too long.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it.” With a last squeeze of their joined hands, Ashley
watched Nira stand up and go. She flagged down the waiter and held up her card.

  “You did what?” Terri screeched at Regan.

  Ashley bounced her leg and hoped the waiter would hurry. She didn’t want to be around for the rest of the conversation.

  Eight

  Life after the spring break at Lake Travis was completely different for Nira in many ways, but the same in others. The end of the academic year was on the horizon and, despite having passed the hurdle that was standardized testing, she was stressed trying to make sure her kids had a good foundation for the following year. As her stress accumulated, she made sure to get out of her apartment whenever she was able.

  It was easier since Regan wasn’t allowed at group gatherings until she sorted herself out, for both Nira and Erin’s sakes. Nira shook her head. Erin had ended up riding home with them during spring break, and there had been an open, honest conversation in Amy’s SUV. Erin had been adopted into the fold.

  As weird as it all was, Nira found the turnaround to be satisfying. She hadn’t liked carrying around the animosity for Erin. When she thought of Regan, she only felt pity.

  “You ready?”

  Nira leaned back in the booth and smiled up at Ashley. “Yeah. I finished my grading about half an hour ago. I was just organizing my lesson plans.”

  “Sexy,” Ashley said as she bent at the waist to give her a kiss. “Organization pushes all my buttons.”

  Nira laughed into the kiss. Ashley’s face hovered near hers after it ended, so she smoothed a wild wisp of hair near Ashley’s temple. “You going to actually sit down and join me for dinner now? I know your shift ended a while ago.”

  Ashley moved so one arm was braced against the back of the booth, and the other on the table. She kissed Nira gain. “I didn’t want to disturb you. Also, I was thinking we could take our food to go.”

  The third kiss lingered, and Nira’s eyes remained closed for several giddy heartbeats after. Then a loud clank of dishes and cutlery to the left reminded her that Melby’s dinner rush had only just begun.

  Ashley grinned, then bounced away. Nira watched her go. She shook herself and began putting her papers away. Things with Ashley were great. Incredible, even.

  Nira just wasn’t sure what that meant. Was it just fun for Ashley? Was it just fun for her? They hadn’t really discussed the specifics beyond that they were exclusive. Ashley had seemed hesitant to label what they had, and Nira had mirrored that doubt by default.

  As much as she loved spending time with Ashley, was she ready for another relationship? She’d thought she’d be with Regan forever. That ‘forever’ had possessed an expiration date.

  If seeing where things went with Ashley eventually meant declarations of love and more shared spaces, was Nira ready for that? The first time they’d really kissed, she hadn’t let herself think too far off into the future.

  The more time she spent with Ashley, the less nebulous that future seemed. She could picture it all again, the slow progression of building a life with another person.

  “Good to go,” Ashley said as she reappeared with a paper bag in hand.

  Nira smiled in reflex and stood. “Great.” Taking Ashley’s free hand was as natural as breathing, and she didn’t realize what she’d done until they were out in the warm evening air.

  “My place?” Ashley asked when they arrived at their respective cars. Nira liked to park next to her when she was able.

  “Sounds good.” Nira smiled and angled her head for a quick kiss, which she was readily given.

  The question of her future, and Ashley’s place in it, returned once she was alone in her car. The more she thought of it, the more terrifying it seemed.

  If they just kept things the way that they were, then she wouldn’t have to worry about when things might fall apart. They were having a good time together. If they could just keep doing that for as long as possible, Nira would be happy.

  Her trip up to visit her family was soon, and she hoped she could enjoy the visit without brooding over the future of her relationships.

  By the time she arrived at Ashley’s apartment complex, Ashley’s car was already in its spot. She took a deep breath as she parked, hoping her thoughts would leave her alone for the night. It was always easier to forget her troubles with Ashley around.

  Ashley was holding the door open when she reached the top of the steps.

  “What if I’d been someone else?” she asked as she tried not to smile.

  “I knew it was you.” Ashley shrugged, her head partially resting against the door.

  She looked so smug that Nira felt compelled to challenge her. “Is that so?”

  “Mhm.”

  Nira narrowed her eyes and brought her hands up to gently shove Ashley’s shoulders. “Does this sort of thing usually work on women you’re seeing?”

  “I wouldn’t know. I’m not exactly a player.” Ashley raised her eyebrows and took a step back so she could close the door behind Nira.

  Nira waited for Ashley to lock up. “You told me you’ve seen a few different women the last couple of years.” The vagueness of Ashley’s description hadn’t bothered her. Much.

  Ashley sighed and ran a hand over her hair.

  Nira ignored how good she looked in her work uniform with the sleeves rolled up, a few extra buttons undone like she’d been about to change when she’d heard Nira’s car.

  “Yeah. Seeing is an apt description of how things went in those cases. Nothing ever really got serious or lasted long.”

  A tight feeling grew in Nira’s chest. Ashley had never indicated that what they were doing would ever lead to anything more than… whatever it was. “So, you’re not a player, but you’ve pretty much only had casual relationships up until now?” Nira forced herself not to cross her arms. She wasn’t defensive. It was fine if Ashley didn’t want things to get serious. They were good together as is.

  Ashley frowned and shifted closer. “I think you’re getting the wrong idea here, somehow.” She searched Nira’s expression. “I have had a problem speaking up in relationships. I don’t want that to be the case with you. I wasn’t kidding before about the crush thing. I’ve always admired you. I love being with you.”

  She looked like she wanted to say more, her lips parting twice before she simply stopped and smiled. “I just want you to be happy, Nira.”

  Both pleased and somehow dissatisfied, Nira smiled back. She relaxed her body and curled into Ashley for a hug. How could she expect Ashley to have all the answers, when she, herself was still confused about what she wanted? It wasn’t fair. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to make that feel like a confrontation. I guess everything still feels so scary and uncertain. I’m happy, Ashley. I promise.”

  ***

  The days slipped by like sand through Ashley’s fingertips, and before she knew it, Nira’s trip was only days away. She couldn’t verbalize why, but it felt like a pile of stones had been placed on her chest, and the weight of them became heavier and heavier as Nira prepared to leave.

  Logically, she understood she was overreacting. All the signs pointed to the fact that Nira wasn’t moving back home to Pennsylvania. Nira was in a better place with her friends and seemed to already be making plans for the following year at her elementary school.

  The larger problem was that she wasn’t sure Nira would choose to be with her either way. In the quiet moments when they were together, she could feel Nira’s uncertainty like a palpable presence.

  The only time Ashley felt like they were truly connected was when—

  “Ashley,” Nira gasped.

  A shiver traveled down Ashley’s spine as she rested partially over Nira. She thrust deeper, feeling a ripple of pleasure as Nira began to tense around her fingers. She kissed Nira’s shoulder and kept a steady pace with her right hand, sliding her thumb up to press to the left side of Nira’s clit.

  Nira gasped and then Ashley was dizzy with the feel of her orgasm, glorying in the wet heat that gushed around her fingers as sh
e drew out Nira’s pleasure. She slowed as she felt Nira’s body doing the same, trailing delicate kisses over Nira’s skin as she calmed.

  “Mm.” Nira was still for a moment, then she lightly tapped Ashley’s right forearm. Ashley carefully pulled her hand free.

  “Come here,” Nira murmured.

  Knowing what she wanted, Ashley shifted so she was fully on top of Nira. She slid her forearms under Nira’s shoulders to hold some of her weight, and was giddy when Nira’s arms and legs curled around her and pulled her closer.