The Line That Binds

by Carolyn LaRoche

"Do you want to look at the rest of it?" Marietta asked. "We can leave you alone for a few minutes."

  Eleanor reached for a tissue on her nightstand and blew her nose. She shook her head. "I can't right now." Eleanor closed the lid. "If I go through the rest of this now, I'll never get these clothes taken care of."

  "The clothes can wait, Ellie," Vivian said. "If you want them to."

  "No. I'm not ready to look at it all now." She picked up the box and walked over to the night stand. Pulling out the drawer, she tucked the box inside and closed the drawer again. She needed to look at the rest of the contents when her heart wasn't so fragile. Preferably alone so she could take the time to cherish each item's memory.

  Eleanor grabbed a box and bag and pulled open a second, smaller closet. Inside it hung all of Gary's uniforms and work gear. The light scent of cinnamon and pine drew her in closer. Gary's cologne. He'd worn the same brand since they were in middle school and it had always brought her comfort. Now—now it caused her heart to race and the room to shift.

  She touched the sleeve of one of his shirts, the rough polyester as familiar to her as her own name. Running her fingers over the shiny silver badge that hung on a chain on a nail inside the door, then reached out and touched the extra duty belt that he'd slung over the rod in the closet. His Kevlar vest hung on a heavy wooden hanger beside it. So many nights of her helping him dress for work flashed through her mind. Before every shift, she'd help him into that vest, pulling the straps closed and securing him into protective layers. The sound of the Velcro had comforted her. It was their thing, Gary'd always said. Their routine. Police work had made him superstitious. He never broke from routine.

  Except they had broken routine. That night, before his shift, she'd been hanging out with her friends. Gary hadn't wanted to bother her. She hadn't been there to strap on his vest and keep the routine.

  Oh, God! Was it her fault Gary'd died?

  If she'd been there…

  No. It wasn't her fault.

  Tears came of their own accord, sliding down her face and dripping from her chin to her shirt. A sob ripped through her. Dropping the box and bag, she wrapped her arms around herself. "Oh, Gary. Why?" As her legs began to give way, she felt arms wrap around her.

  "It's okay, Ellie. We've got you." Marietta and Vivian held her as they walked to a small chair in the corner of the room and sat her in it.

  "It's my fault," she said, between sobs. "My fault."

  "Oh, sweetie, it's not." Marietta kneeled down in front of her and smoothed Eleanor's hair back from her face.

  "You don't understand! I broke the routine. Gary had always said, don't break the routine. Things happen then."

  "What routine, Ellie?" Vivian asked.

  "His vest. I always helped him put on his vest. He wasn't wearing it that night. It's still in the closet." Sob after sob tore through her, each one filled with more anguish than the one before it.

  "He must have had another one. Maybe he kept it at work or in his patrol unit?" Marietta said.

  Vivian rubbed little circles all over her back. "It's not your fault, Ellie. No more than it is Antonio's fault. Remember? A few days ago, you insisted a drugged out addict was responsible. How can it also be your fault?"

  "What happened was a horrible tragedy but you are not to blame." Marietta stood up and walked over to the dresser where she picked up a picture of Gary and Eleanor. "This man loved you more than life itself. Do you really think he'd want you to spend the rest of your life blaming yourself for something you had no control over?"

  "No," Eleanor replied, drawing a ragged breath.

  "Then stop right now."

  Eleanor accept the framed photograph that Marietta held out to her. She slowly traced the outline of Gary in the picture. He looked so happy and relaxed.

  Alive.

  The photo was only a few months old, taken over the summer at the beach. They'd escaped for an afternoon, packing a lunch and wading in the surf like they had as teenagers.

  Eleanor hugged the frame to her chest. "I just miss him so much." The tears returned. Marietta and Vivian wrapped their arms around her once more.

  "I know you do," Vivian said.

  "I can't even begin to imagine how much," Marietta said.

  "Do you want to call it quits for today?" Vivian asked.

  "No. I need to do this." Eleanor stood up and walked toward the bathroom. "Just give me a minute?"

  Without waiting for a reply, she went in to the bathroom and closed the door. Flipping on the light switch, she stood in front of the mirror looking at herself. The reflection that stared back didn’t even look like her with its red rimmed eyes complete with dark black smudges under them. Her skin was pale and splotchy and her hair hung in a snarly mess over her shoulders.

  Turning on the cold tap, Eleanor splashed some icy water on her face. She was determined to get through this day. Using the towel to pat her face dry, Eleanor watched as the harsh red in her cheeks cooled to a soft pink once again.

  A knock sounded. "You okay in there?" Marietta asked.

  "I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute," Eleanor called through the bathroom door, hoping she sounded more convincing than she felt.

  After one more splash of water, she dried off and opened the bathroom door. Her friends stood there, looking worried. Eleanor nodded. "I'm good. I promise."

  "I still think we should continue a different day," Marietta said.

  Eleanor shook her head. "Nope. I've had my allotted meltdown for today. I want to do this. Plus, the department called yesterday wanting to know when I could turn in his gear."

  "Seriously?" Vivian dropped the bag of clothes she held by the bedroom door. "They couldn't wait a couple of weeks?"

  Eleanor shrugged. "It's okay. I don't want it here anyway. It's just a constant reminder."

  "Do you want me to pack up that stuff?" Marietta asked.

  "No." Eleanor picked up an empty box. "This is something I need to do myself."

  "We're here if you need us." Vivian hugged her, hard. "I hate that you have to do any of this."

  "Me too." Eleanor took a deep breath and walked back to the closet. "It's time, Gary," she said quietly as she stood once again in front of his things. "I love you, sweetheart. This doesn't change that."

  Slowly, she took each polyester shirt and each pair of uniform pants off of their hanger and folded them neatly. Each piece went into the box on top of the last. When she was done, she moved on to the vest, removing it from its hanger and laying it on top of the folded clothes. Picking up his extra flashlight and sets of handcuffs, she set those in the box alongside the uniforms. Using the key he kept hidden in a shoe, she opened the lock box on top of the shelf and checked to see if there was anything in it. He'd had his gun and taser with him the night of the shooting so it was empty.

  As far as she could tell, there was nothing else that belonged to the police department so she picked up the box and left the closet.

  "It all fit in here." She set the box on the bed. "I need to know if he had a vest on that night. I thought that he did but there was too much going on in the hospital. I can't remember anymore."

  "I'll have Ricky try to find out." Marietta pulled out her cell phone and typed out a quick text. A moment later her phone dinged, indicating an incoming text. "He says he thinks so but he will look into it to find out for sure."

  "Thank you." Eleanor sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the pile of bags stacked by the door. "My husband's life reduced to a couple of boxes and a few garbage bags."

  Vivian sat down next to her and wrapped an arm around her. "No, Ellie. Those are just pieces of clothing. His entire life is here." She pointed to Eleanor's heart. "And here." Vivian pointed to Eleanor's head. "Only his body is gone. Gary lives on with you."

  "I want to touch him again. Just once more. I want him to hug me and kiss me and tell me he will see me later, just like always."

  "I wish I could do that for you." Marietta sat down on the bed on the o
ther side of her. "I'd give anything to be able to go back in time and tell him not to go to that call."

  Eleanor shook her head. "You know he wouldn't have listened to anyone. A fellow officer was in trouble."

  Marietta sighed. "Yeah, I know. But I'd still try. Handcuff him to my car or something if I had to."

  Eleanor patted her friend on the knee. "I appreciate the thought but Gary always carried an extra cuff key. It wouldn't have helped."

  "No lie," Vivian said. "The man had handcuffs and a knife in the pocket of his tux on his wedding day. You know, just in case.

  Eleanor looked over at her friend. "How did you know about that?"

  "Antonio was his best man, remember?"

  "When we were dancing our first dance as a married couple, I ran my hand up over his jacket and felt something hard in the inside pocket. Stuck my hand in there and felt the cuffs first. Gary started laughing. I thought he had all these wild ideas for the honeymoon. Turns out he recognized one of the staff at the reception hall and was worried he'd have to arrest him or something."

  "Remember how he insisted that the head table had to be on the opposite side of the room so his back would be to a wall and he could see the door?" Vivian asked. "Antonio had a hand in that one, I'm sure."

  Eleanor smiled for the first time all day. "Yes! The banquet hall manager was so upset. Moving the table upset the cosmic energies or something."

  "I wish I'd known you all then," Marietta said.

  "Weren't you still in diapers the year I got married?" Eleanor poked her friend lightly in the ribs.

  "I was not!" Marietta picked up a throw pillow and tossed it at Eleanor. "I was in high school."

  "Baby," Vivian said.

  "Old woman." Marietta hit her with a pillow too. "Grandma!"

  "Oh, lord, don't even joke about that." Vivian fell backward on to the bed. "Tony's gotta get a scholarship and go to college before I'll even entertain those thoughts."

  "I know what you mean. I pray every night that the twins don't make me a grandmother just yet. I'm too young to be chasing grandbabies around."

  "Hey," Marietta said. "I've got Ricky's truck. Let's go drop those things off at the donation center so you don't have to worry about doing it yourself."

  "Could we drop by the station first so I can return his gear?" Eleanor asked.

  "Of course."

  They each grabbed some boxes and bags and followed Marietta out of the house. They tossed the things into the bed of the truck. Once they were all settled in the cab of the truck, Marietta headed to the police station.

  "Want me to go in with you?" Vivian asked when they pulled up in front of the police department headquarters building.

  "No. I've got this." Eleanor exited the truck and walked around to grab the box of equipment out of the bed.

  Hefting the box up in front of her, Eleanor climbed the wide steps to the front door of the building. Pushing the button by the door, she waited to be buzzed inside.

  "Mrs. Hart!" The sergeant that opened the door looked at her with a mix of pity and curiosity. "What brings you here?"

  She held out the box. "Gary's uniforms and equipment. What I had. Some of it was with him obviously."

  He took the box from her. "I could have sent a car around to get it. Or Vasquez could have brought it in."

  Eleanor shook her head. "It's okay, my friends gave me ride."

  His expression turned serious. "How are you doing? Do you need anything?"

  She shrugged. "I'm—okay. I mean, as okay as I can be. I miss him." A little moisture filled her eyes but she was determined not to cry in front of someone she hardly knew.

  He clasped her shoulder lightly. "Hart was a good man and a great cop. The absolute best. He has left some huge boots to fill around here."

  "Thank you. I appreciate hearing that." She held out her hand and the sergeant accepted it in a gentle grasp. "If you will excuse me, my ride is waiting."

  "Absolutely. Take care of yourself, Mrs. Hart. And please, call the station if you need anything. Anything at all."

  She nodded. "Thank you. I will."

  Eleanor walked out of the station, more than likely for the very last time and returned to the truck that waited for her.

  "How did it go?" Vivian asked as soon as she pulled open the door.

  "The way you'd expect. The building was mostly empty. One of the day sergeants was there. He took the box and told me to call them if I ever need anything. What's that supposed to mean anyway? I need my husband back. Pretty sure they can't help me with that. I need to turn back the clock and tell him not to go to that call. That will never happen—" The newest bout of tears cut her off. Eleanor sat in the front seat of her friend's truck literally feeling her heart break in her chest for the hundredth time since that night.

  Vivian, who sat in the back seat, leaned forward and wrapped her arms around her. Eleanor barely noticed. The flood just kept coming.

  Marietta held her hand and spoke soothing words to her but she didn't understand any of it. The grief held her prisoner, blocking her senses and her thoughts.

  Sometime later, it began to rain. An icy rain that cracked against the windshield and roof of the truck. The sound lulled her out of her grief coma, calming the tears slowly and steadily. Finally, she took a deep, stuttering breath, then exhaled it slowly.

  "I-I'm sorry. I have no idea where that came from."

  "It came from being strong for too long." Vivian squeezed her in a hug then sat back against the seat.

  "I've cried before. Lots of times. But this was different."

  "The shock is wearing off and reality is setting in. My mama went through the same thing when my papa died suddenly." Marietta patted the back of her hand. "You needed to let it out. Grief is a heavy weight to carry."

  "I'm sorry you both had to witness that. Again." Eleanor opened the glove box looking for something to blow her nose in. A huge wad of fast food restaurant napkins fell to her feet. She laughed. "I guess Ricky likes to eat out."

  Marietta looked horrified. "He's supposed to be on a diet! He's been lying to me this whole time!"

  Eleanor leaned over and picked up the stack of napkins. "Gary always used to say that the only cheating I ever had to worry about him doing involved cheeseburgers and tacos. I think maybe Ricky has a few secret lovers too."

  This made Marietta laugh. "I guess." She shook her head. "That man is something else. All protein shakes and work outs at home and the whole time he's been sneaking around."

  "Should we go drop off the donation stuff now?" Vivian asked. "I'll buy you both cheeseburgers after we're done."

  "Sounds good to me." Marietta shifted the truck in to drive.

  "Me too." For the first time in days, Eleanor actually wanted to eat something. "I'm getting fries too, just so you know."

  "Consider it done."

  "Thank you both for helping me through today. I couldn't have done it without you," Eleanor said.

  "You know we will always be here for you," Vivian replied.

  "Always," Marietta said.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Vivian

  "Tony! Get down here and take out this trash!" Antonio stormed out of the kitchen to the bottom of the steps. "Tony! Now!"

  "I'm coming already!" Tony yelled back, stomping down the hallway. "Why you gotta be such a jerk all the time?"

  As soon as the words left her son's mouth, Vivian braced herself. It was not going to be pretty.

  "Who are you talking to like that?" Antonio had switched to his don't mess with me voice. He was pissed. She knew it and she couldn't even see the redness of his face or the vein at his temple that was more than likely throbbing.

  Tony's footsteps stopped, probably at the top of the steps. Once he got a look at his father's face, he had to have realized his mistake. "Dude, I was on the toilet. That's all I'm saying. You didn't give me a chance to answer you."

  "I don't care if you were wiping the Pope's ass! That doesn't give you the right
to talk to me that way. I am your father, not one of your buddies."

  Please let her son be smart enough to quit while he was ahead.

  "You got that right. At least I can count on my buddies."

  Damn. That was her cue to intervene. Stepping out of her office, she surveyed the scene. Antonio stood at the foot of the stairs, growling. Tony looked down at him from the landing, a dare in his eyes she'd only ever seen from Antonio before this moment.

  "Come on, you two. There's enough anger in the world without bringing it in to our home."

  "This has nothing to do with anger. Our son doesn't know how to show respect."

  "I show plenty of respect. To people that deserve it." Tony's taunt worked. Antonio grabbed the rail and bounded up the steps but Tony was quicker, he ran to his room and slammed the door. The lock clicked, followed by loud music.

  Vivian ran up the steps, getting to the top just in time to see Antonio getting ready to ram the door with his shoulder, like he was serving a warrant.

  "Antonio!"

  He stopped and looked at her, then back at the door. Anger made his dark eyes wild. "He needs to take out the trash!" He stepped back, ready to kick the knob.

  "Stop, Antonio!"

  "What?"

  "Look what you're about to do!" She pointed at the door.

  His shoulders slumped and she could see the defeat in his eyes. "My son hates me. He thinks I'm a joke, just like everyone else does."

  "Oh, honey, no one thinks you are a joke." Vivian rushed toward him to hug him but Antonio side stepped her.

  "I'm going for a run." Without another word, he pushed past Vivian and ran back down the steps. She felt the house shake as he slammed the front door.

  Tony's door opened and he looked out in to the hall. "Dad gone?"

  "You want to explain yourself?" Vivian narrowed her eyes at her only child. "Were you trying to get him all worked up?"

  Tony shrugged. "At least he’s doing something other than sitting in front of the television and drinking."

  "That's none of your concern." He had a point though.

  "He's a lousy father. He has no interest in me at all."

  Vivian folded her arms and leaned against the hallway wall. "I seem to remember a certain young man telling me he didn't want his father at his last basketball game."