Madison's Mess

by Robyn Peterman

  “Holy shit, are we supposed to do that?” Rick asked me with a slight gag.

  “No,” I assured him with a shudder. “We’re just supposed to leave the jackhole in a cage and return the lesser gods to Mount Olympus. Poseidon will de-pecker the abomination.”

  Bonar and the zoo wandered over to the car and peeked in. “Looks like ye added to yar pack,” he said with a chuckle as the dogs began to bark and the cats mewed. “And who might the lovely lassie and handsome wee bairn be hidin’ there amongst the doggies and kitties?”

  “Did he say handsome?” Rick whispered to me in horror.

  I nodded, unable to speak. Was Bonar blind? I mean, Kim was adorable, but Neville? Neville was not adorable. At all. He was sweet, but umm… unfortunate looking.

  Bonar puffed out his chest, spit on his hand and then swiped it through his gnarly hair to impress the lassie. At least that’s what I thought he was doing.

  “I’m Kim, and this is my son, Neville,” Kim said as she got out of the car and blushed so red I thought she might pass out. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “Aye, the pleasure is all mine I assure ye,” Bonar said, bowing low to Kim.

  It looked more like he was squatting to take a dump than pay his respects, but Kim clearly didn’t notice if her girly giggle was anything to go by.

  “What the hell is happening here?” Rick hissed in my ear. “I’m so fucking confused.”

  “I think Bonar is hitting on Kim,” I said under my breath. “This could get nightmare inducing.”

  “I’m on it,” Rick said, sprinting over to the car before Bonar professed his undying love. “Excuse me, Boner.”

  “It’s Bonar,” I corrected him with a giggle.

  “Right. My bad. Bonar,” he amended and just kept right on going, ignoring the fact that he’d just called a deadly Sphinx Pirate an erection. “Kim and her alien son, Neville need protection from the Gnome fuckers. I busted the doggies and kitties out of a high kill shelter earlier this evening. It’s against my life choice as a Vegan to let innocent animals die. Therefore, I’m now responsible for them. Madison and I have to go back to Tennessee in the morning to be human blenders so we can suss out the location of the Gnome Palace and cage the King so Poseidon can rip his pecker off at some point.”

  Bonar simply nodded his head and appeared wildly confused. I didn’t blame him. I was a little confused too and Rick wasn’t done yet.

  “Neville is half Gnome and half human which I call bullshit on since the wild little bastard can swim and talk under water. Kim won’t give up what she really is, but she has huge nards and we like her… as you clearly do as well… so she can live. What we need is for you to guard over Kim, Neville, and the shit load of animals I’ve recently acquired along with the zoo I’ve already amassed until the Gnome prick is taken care of. Cool?”

  Thankfully, Neville was fast asleep and heard none of the shitty language Rick had just spewed. That saved him from a double stabbing later.

  “Aye, methinks so,” Bonar said with a nod. “Lovely Kim, may I be so bold as to ask ye a personal query?”

  “Of course,” Kim said with another giggle.

  Bonar cleared his throat three times and pulled his sagging breeches up so high that I was certain he’d just given himself a permanent wedgie. Rick moaned in phantom pain as Bonar’s buttcrack was now clearly defined by his breeches.

  “Gods, that has to hurt,” Rick whispered.

  “Shhh,” I whispered back, trying not to laugh. “I just hope he doesn’t turn around. The view from the front has to be terrifying.”

  Bonar again cleared this throat. “Beautiful Kim, are ye involved with a scallywag at the moment?”

  “Umm… no,” Kim said, blushing furiously. “I’m not. Are you?”

  Bonar blushed a deeper red than Kim. It was horrifyingly charming in a gross kind of way. Clearly looks weren’t high on Kim’s agenda for a man.

  “Can’t say as I am,” Bonar replied with the widest grin I’d ever seen on his face. “Would ye like to see the cabin? We can tuck the handsome wee bairn in and then might I tempt ye with a jigger of rum and a moonlight spin around the property with the raccoons?”

  “I would like that very much,” Kim said. “You are quite the gentleman.”

  My sisters were never going to believe this. I had half a mind to take out my phone and record it. However, I would never do that to the Pirate. Bonar was an arse, but he was also kind and good. He did have sticky fingers and love of stealing from Target, but he was a sweet and truly loyal immortal badass weirdo.

  “Come now, lassie,” Bonar said, gently taking the sleeping Neville from her and placing Kim’s hand in the crook of his arm. “Ye don’t have to worry yer pretty head no more. Bonar will take care of ye and the handsome wee bairn.”

  As they walked into the house, Rick and I stood in stupefied silence.

  “Are they going to bang in my guest room?” Rick choked out in a horrified whisper.

  I shrugged and laughed. “Don’t know and don’t want to know,” I said. “But there is something I’d like to see while we’re here.”

  “What’s that, Mermaid?” he asked, still trying to recover from the visual he’d clearly conjured up in his mind.

  “I’d like to see your bedroom,” I told him as I felt my body tingle with excitement and a little fear.

  “Are you sure?” he asked, beginning to grin. “Once you enter the man cave, you’re mine.”

  I looked up at the beautiful man who was equally as nutty as I was and I sighed with happiness. “Rick, I think I would like to keep you.”

  “Madison, I know I would like to keep you. Knew it from the moment I saw you.”

  Inhaling in through my nose and blowing the air slowly out of my mouth, I mentally prepared to throw myself into the deep end of the ocean. Nothing had ever seemed so right. “Take me to the man cave, Rick.”

  “Hell. To. The. Yes,” he shouted as he threw me over his shoulder and sprinted so fast I got dizzy.

  The man was insane.

  And the man was mine.

  10

  Madison

  Glancing over at the Greek god clad only in tight gray boxer briefs, I giggled. The gods broke the mold after they made him—and a good thing too. The immortal world couldn’t handle two of him. Hell, I wasn’t sure I could handle one of him.

  “Can’t think when all the blood from my brain goes to my Johnson,” Rick said, cupping my breasts in his hands and giving me a sexy smirk that sent my lower regions into overdrive. “Should we talk first before we boink? I want to do this right, Madison. We only get one first time.”

  It was so sweet, I wanted to cry. This decision was right. However, I was going to make the talk very hard for him—pun completely intended.

  “What do you want to talk about?” I asked, untying my sarong and letting it fall to the floor in his very tidy man cave.

  Rick had shrieked like he was being chased by Hades when we’d entered his bedroom—scared the scales out of me. Clearly, he didn’t recognize it cleaned up. Bonar had been seriously busy. After checking a few drawers for explosives and the closet for his sky diving gear, he calmed down and realized we were indeed in his man cave.

  “What’s your favorite color?” he asked, with a whistle of appreciation for my hot pink thong.

  “Pink,” I said automatically. “Yours?”

  “Definitely pink,” he said, grabbing the bedpost of his huge bed to keep from launching himself at me before we were finished with our talk. “Libation?”

  “Piña colada,” I said with a laugh. “You?”

  “Piña colada,” he replied without hesitation.

  “Duuuude, you don’t seem like a piña colada kind of Werewolf. You can’t just repeat my answers back to me,” I told him, easing my barely-there thong down my legs as his eyes grew wide with desire.

  “Fine,” he said with a sheepish grin. “It used to be beer, but I changed my mind because you make a piña colada s
ound so dang hot. You ask the next question so I can’t copy you.”

  “Okay,” I said, unhooking my jeweled bikini top and tossing it across the room. “This is good. We need to know the little things about each other before boinking for keeps.”

  “Right,” Rick wheezed out as his eyes pinned themselves to my girls.

  With a naughty grin, I ran my hands down my body and perched myself seductively on the edge of his enormous bed. “Favorite restaurant?”

  “Hooters,” he blurted out, in a haze of lust.

  “Oh my gods. Seriously?” I demanded with a laugh.

  “Wait.” He slapped himself in the head. “What was the question again?”

  “Forget it,” I said, laying back on the bed and arching my back so the view was positively carnal. “Let’s try another. Favorite movie?”

  Rick began to pace the room in a sweat. His eyes were still glued right where I wanted them—on me.

  “Movie,” he muttered as he slammed into his dresser and barely noticed. “Movie. Favorite movie. I can do this… I’d have to say my favorite movie is Naked Knockers and Hot Ass on my Bed. SHIT.” He froze in mortification, grabbed my dagger and stabbed himself in the butt. “I didn’t mean that. I mean, I did, but that’s not a movie as far as I’m aware. My favorite movie is Splash.”

  Jerking up to a sitting position, I stared at him with my mouth agape. “For real?”

  “For real.” He moved toward the bed, stalking me like prey.

  Gone was the bumbling boy. The sexy man had arrived. Seashells in a sandstorm, it was the hottest thing I’d ever seen.

  “That’s my favorite movie,” I told him, feeling my excitement ramp up to danger zone.

  “You copying me now?” he asked as he sprinted the last few feet and jumped onto the bed causing both of us to bounce like popcorn.

  “Guess so, dummy,” I told him as I rolled him to his back and straddled him. “Are we done with question time?”

  “Yessss,” he hissed through clenched teeth as I wiggled on top of him. “I really don’t want to have to stab myself again. It’s way more fun when you do it.”

  “Have you ever hung upside down from a chandelier and boinked?” I whispered in his ear as I ran my hands over his gorgeous body. I wasn’t even sure if it was possible, but it sounded hot and dangerous. The chance of electrocution was high.

  “No, but I’m up for it,” he said with a chuckle as he ran his tongue over my collar bone and then repeated the motion with his razor sharp and oh so sexy fangs. “Only problem is I don’t seem to have a chandelier handy.”

  “Not a problem,” I told him as I raised my hands high.

  With a clap and a wish, an enormous glittering pick chandelier with thick, flat crystal arms appeared on the ceiling. However, just in case the adventure went awry, I made the lighting fixture out of plexiglass. It would suck to end up losing an arm due to shards of glass. I also anchored it well, I really didn’t want either of us to break our necks mid-boink. We would most likely snap them tomorrow when we jumped from the plane. Tonight was all about pleasure. Well, tomorrow was too, but a different kind.

  “Niiiice,” Rick said as he grabbed my hands and yanked me to a standing position.

  Quickly stripping bare, he glanced at me with a lopsided smile and flexed his muscles. He was so beautiful I almost couldn’t catch my breath. But more important than his exquisite outsides were his certifiably insane and beautiful insides. The thought of spending eternity waking up to a man who wanted to take me zorbing filled my tummy with joyful tingles.

  “Wait,” I said, as he started to jump on the bed in preparation to take a flying leap up to the lighting fixture we were about to defile. “I need to say something.”

  Rick stopped jumping which was kind of sad because it was so hot, but that was my own fault. Gently laying me down on the bed, he lay next to me. He pressed his forehead to mine and held me. It was the simplest of moves, but I felt so safe and happy in his strong arms.

  Pressing my lips to his, I sighed. I needed to tell him what was in my nutball head. I wanted him to know so he had time to back out.

  “Umm… I want to keep you forever,” I whispered, screwing my eyes shut so I had the nards to finish what I needed to say. “If we boink—which I really want to do—you need to know I’ll slice your Johnson off with a dull butter knife if you ever stray.”

  “Sounds reasonable,” he said, against my mouth. “What else?”

  So far so good. “Do you have any clue what we would have if we got pregnant?”

  “Pretty sure we’d have a baby,” he said, nibbling on my neck.

  “No… I mean, will it be a hairy fish with claws and fangs?” I asked, tangling my hands in his thick blond hair.

  He looked up and me and laughed. “If it is, it will be the most beautiful hairy fish with claws and fangs in the Universe. I will love it more than anything in the world because it’s ours.”

  I was stunned to silence. He was right. I would love our baby too, no matter what the little daredevil looked like. Love was blind. I now understood why Bonar saw a handsome wee little bairn in Kim’s arms. Kim’s devoted love to Neville made him beautiful.

  Rick cupped my face and ran his thumb over my lips. “Can I add something here?”

  His touch warmed me all over. His nearness made my heart beat faster. “Yes,” I whispered.

  “I’m in love with you, Madison. I’ve never really belonged anywhere until I met you. No one has ever understood me or taken the time to really care until you,” he said, gently tucking some of my wild pink curls behind my ear. “All my pack ever saw in me was the insane dude with the death wish that they didn’t want around. You see me. You see me clearly. And you still want to keep me.”

  “And you see me,” I told him, wrapping my arms around him and hugging him tight. “You see more than the violent pink haired Mermaid who likes to blow shit up and bungee jump naked.”

  “Naked?” he asked, wildly impressed.

  “Totally,” I promised with a giggle. “You’ll have to try it sometime.”

  “I’m in, baby. I’m all in.”

  “I love you, Werewolf,” I said as my rose-colored eyes filled with happy tears. “I will always see you and always love you no matter what.”

  “Come with me,” Rick insisted as he stood up, held me close and took a giant leap off the bed.

  Thanks to his lupine strength, we were now perched precariously on the shimmering chandelier. My body was aligned with his and felt molten as I started to come apart in his arms. Not to mention his very impressive Johnson pressed against my stomach might have had something to do with it…

  “Mine,” Rick hissed as he flipped me upside down and hooked my legs over one of the chandelier arms. He hung on with one hand and kept me where he wanted me with the other. It was freakin’ fantastic. All the blood rushing to my head made me a bit dizzy, but Rick was completely responsible for making me almost pass out in ecstasy. His talented mouth and fangs went to work and I couldn’t have uttered my name if my life depended on it.

  “Sweet chicken of the sea in a tube top,” I screamed as a strong orgasm ripped through me causing crystals on the chandelier to explode.

  “You liked that?” Rick asked, oozing with masculine pride as he flipped me back over and wrapped my legs around his waist. “Not sure what the actual physics of what we’re about to do are, but I’m gonna give it a go. You in?”

  “Forever,” I said, reaching down to greet his very excited Johnson.

  “Gods,” he said, letting his head fall back on his shoulders. “I’ll give you the rest of my immortal life to never stop doing that.”

  “Deal,” I replied with a giggle as I got to know him better.

  As we attempted to arrange ourselves into a position that would work, we laughed like little kids doing something very naughty. It was like Twister on crack and it rocked.

  “Holy shit,” Rick shouted and laughed as the ceiling began to cave in.

&nb
sp; We’d gotten way too hot and heavy waaaay too fast. With an explosive pop the chandelier fell from the ceiling with a huge crash and all the electricity in the house went out.

  “Whoops,” I said with a giggle as I crawled out from underneath the huge broken mess. I silently congratulated myself that the chandelier was not made of glass. “My bad. I thought I anchored it better.”

  “As long as you’re still good to boink, I don’t care if you blow up the entire house. Except maybe not the guest rooms. I’d feel really bad if Neville had to grow a new appendage. He’s just a little dude.”

  “Roger that,” I said as I removed the debris with a wave of my hands and hopped onto his king-sized bed. “Take two?”

  “And three and four and five and six and seven…”

  I rolled my eyes and smiled. “You can go that many times?”

  “I’m a Werewolf, baby. I can go all night.”

  We wasted no time getting down to business. As we became one, we both cried out at the incredible feeling. It was more intense and perfect than blowhole diving. Loving someone elevated sex to a level I was unaware existed. Orgasms numbers two, three and four overtook me and I screamed with delight. My body trembled and I clenched him inside me as I rode out the aftershocks.

  “You still with me?” Rick asked as he cradled my face in his hands and kissed me until my toes curled.

  “Always,” I whispered as my body again arched toward his.

  The Werewolf was a freakin’ sex maniac—and I loved it. As soon as the fifth orgasm ended another consumed my body.

  “I love you, Madison, you certifiably crazy woman,” he said, still inside me.

  “I love you more, Rick you batshit nutty freak of nature.”

  “Perfect,” he said with a wide grin as he began to torture me with his expertise again.

  I kept my rose-colored eyes glued to his brilliant blue. The need and savage lust I saw there made my heart and body sing. Rick was not a man. He was an animal—my animal. His desire for me matched mine for him and it was positively explosive in the best way possible.