Madison's Mess

by Robyn Peterman

  “Round seven?” Rick inquired politely as his lips found my girls and made colorful sparkles pop behind my eyeballs.

  “I’ll take round seven and then demand a round eight,” I said as I gasped for air.

  “Deal.”

  The speed of our lovemaking increased and Rick grew wild like the sexy beast he was. I writhed like a Mermaid in heat beneath him and we headed toward a massive orgasm together that was probably going to ensure that Bonar would have to rebuild part of the cabin tomorrow.

  Rick’s grin and all the naughty sexy things he whispered in my ear sent me right over the edge into number seven.

  “I love you,” he shouted as he came.

  And I loved him. I would love him forever.

  He was a total keeper.

  11

  Madison

  “Well, me bucko,” Bonar said to Rick as he served up a breakfast of oatmeal with apples, almonds and cinnamon, mixed berries, avocado toast with flax seed and chia seed on it, vanilla rice milk and fresh squeezed orange juice. “Methinks yer plan has some scurvy holes in it.”

  “This is fucking delicious,” Rick shouted, shoving three pieces of avocado toast into his mouth at the same time. “And I agree with you about the plan. But since we don’t know where the Gnome Palace is, it’s the best we can do. Anyhoo, I’ve never been a human blender before and the thought of jumping out of a plane while making a smoothie with the sexiest Mermaid alive is damn hot.”

  “Agree,” I said with a giggle. “The worst that can happen is we break a few bones if the chutes don’t open. I can heal from a busted femur in an hour. And from the air we can suss out the location of the Palace.”

  “My girl is a freak of nature,” Rick announced with pride. “And she looks amazing naked.”

  That’s when I stabbed his hand to the table with a fork. There was a three-year-old present. Not to mention Bonar and Kim. Rick had a TMI problem.

  “Thank you, babe,” Rick said with a rueful grin. “I keep forgetting Neville is just a little alien dude.”

  “No worries,” I said with a smile as I yanked the fork out of his hand. “That’s why I’m here.”

  “So ye stab the thunderin’ bilge rat when he misbehaves?” Bonar asked, with a raised brow.

  “I do,” I told him a little defensively. I knew our habits were a little odd, but they worked for us. “Usually in the butt. Since he’s sitting down and I don’t have a knife, I improvised. He stabs me too.”

  “I do,” Rick confirmed proudly. “We have each other’s backs.”

  “Tis alarmingly interesting,” Bonar said with a knowing smirk. “T’will there be another weddin’ in the future?”

  Rick looked over at me and grinned so wide I did something stupid. Something I said I would never do after attending my sister’s recent shit show of a wedding.

  “Umm… possibly.”

  “Definitely,” Rick corrected me. “Definitely a wedding with a Vegan wedding cake shaped like a blowhole.”

  “Blowhole,” Neville shouted with delight.

  “That’s right, buddy,” Rick said, giving the little guy a high five. “Someday when you’re old enough, I’ll take you blowhole diving in Hawaii.”

  “Yayayayayayayayay!” Neville squealed.

  “Shit,” Kim mumbled under her breath.

  “Just know that I’m makin’ meself available to officiate yer nuptials,” Bonar offered.

  “Will you call me a swimming hooker during the vows?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at the Pirate.

  “Nay,” he said quickly with his hands held high in surrender. “Learned me lesson with yer sister ʼbout that. Still have a scar on me arse for that blunder.”

  “Well, then… okay,” I said and then immediately wanted to take it back. But Bonar seemed so delighted and honored I didn’t have the heart. Maybe he could make up for the debacle of Tallulah’s wedding by performing mine. Or maybe not…

  Deciding to ignore my epic mistake of saying yes to the wedding officiating mess, I dug into my oatmeal and then paused. Holy hell and seashells, there were no animal products anywhere on the table. My adoration for the gnarly, sweet, idiot Pirate grew even more.

  “Bonar, thank you. This breakfast awesome,” I told him with a grin and a wink.

  “Tis nothing, me little Mermaid,” he said with a jaunty bow. “Methinks to go Vegan too. Bein’ with the critters has got me to thinkin’.”

  “Neville doesn’t like meat at all,” Kim said as she helped Bonar serve the meal like they were a well-oiled and natural team of two. “And forget about seafood,” she added with a laugh, patting her little man on the head and kissing his chubby toddler cheek. “Last time we were in the grocery store, he magically stole all the live crabs when my back was turned, brought them home and set them up in our tub. I didn’t even realize he’d done it till I went to run his bath that night.”

  Dropping my spoon, I stared at Neville in surprise. I was stunned. Not because of what the little dude had done, but because I’d done the same thing so many times in my life I couldn’t even count them.

  “What about pet stores?” I asked, still watching Neville who was now peering over at me with an adorably naughty grin.

  He really was kind of cute…

  Kim let her head fall to the table with a thud. “We do not go in pet stores,” she said. “Especially the fish aisle.”

  “Why?” I demanded, feeling kind of tingly. “Why not the fish isle?”

  “Do you want to tell them or should I?” Kim asked Neville.

  “Me tell,” he shouted with a belly laugh. “Fish no like it there. So me clapped me hands and me send them home.”

  “Home?” I pressed, growing lightheaded. Could Kim possibly have Mermaid blood in her? All of Neville’s actions led me to believe she might.

  “The saltwater fish he sent back to the ocean… or so he told me, and all of the freshwater fish ended up in local ponds all over the area,” Kim finished the story for her little boy.

  “How did ye find out?” Bonar asked with interest, while also focusing on Neville.

  “It was on the evening news,” Kim said with a shake of her head and a chuckle. “All of the local ponds had many newly acquired occupants. No one knew how they got there except Neville and me. Hence, no more visits to the pet store.”

  “Kim,” I said as casually as I could. “Tell me about your parents. Do they live nearby?”

  Kim’s eyes lit up, but her smile was melancholy. “They had me very, very late in life. They both died long before Neville was born. It’s one of my greatest sorrows that my parents didn’t know their grandson.”

  Rick was catching on quick as was Bonar if the expressions on their faces were anything to go by. It didn’t bode well for my hypothesis that Kim’s parents had died—or that they lived in a landlocked area, but something was off here and I knew I was onto something. Rick was of no help. His mouth was full of so much food, I wasn’t sure how he was going to swallow it without choking. I really needed to have my head examined because I even thought his iffy table manners were hot. Bonar was a very patient Pirate and simply observed. That left the questioning up to me.

  “Umm… do you have any idea how old they were when they died?” I asked searching for a clue that might prove me right.

  “Actually I don’t,” she said with a shake of her head. “Never found their birth certificates or driver’s licenses. They never seemed to age though. Well, not until the end when we relocated to Tennessee. I grew up on the coast of Florida.”

  I was tingling all over now. Mer-people in landlocked areas would eventually wither away and die. But why would they choose to die? “And why did you move to Tennessee?”

  “My father said our future was in Tennessee. Weird, but that’s what he said,” she replied with a wistful sigh and a small smile. “Ironically, he was right. Neville is my future and I never would have had him if I hadn’t moved to Tennessee. My future is… well, was in Tennessee.”

  Kim gl
anced shyly over at Bonar who was grinning like he’d won the lottery. And maybe he had. Kim and her son were pretty awesome even if I still had no clue what they really were. Bonar might not be the snappiest dresser, or the sharpest tool in the shed, but he was every kind of truly beautiful—especially on the inside where it counted most. Of course, their courtship was kind of fast, but sometimes—if you were really lucky—you knew you’d met your true love immediately.

  “The soused, diaper-wearing buttdong told me my future was in Tennessee,” Rick said as he miraculously swallowed the ridiculous amount of avocado toast that he’d shoved into his mouth. “Those were his exact words. And I have to admit the drunken bastard was correct.”

  Rick took my hand and kissed it. Keeping him was the best plan I’d ever had.

  “So the diaper wearing buttdong got it right?” I asked, turning his hand over and kissing the spot where I’d stabbed him.

  “Yep, the diaper wearing buttdong hit the nail on the head,” he replied with a wide grin.

  I laughed. I’d have to remember that one to tell my sisters. I couldn’t wait to see the expression on Poseidon’s face when I called him a diaper wearing buttdong.

  “Soooo,” Bonar said, bringing Kim a plate of food and sitting down beside her. “Do ye think it’s possible that yer folks might have been really old?”

  “Define really old,” Kim said, perplexed.

  “Over two hundred?” I volunteered.

  Kim exploded into laughter. “That’s not possible.”

  “I’m three hundred,” I pointed out.

  “Same here,” Rick added.

  “I’m three thousand,” Bonar said as Kim paled considerably.

  “I keep forgetting you people are immortal,” she whispered and then closed her eyes. “Neville is probably immortal too.”

  “Okay,” I said, trying to put a very large puzzle together in my head by figuring out the missing pieces. “I know it’s rude to ask a human woman her age… but how old are you, Kim?”

  Kim appeared to be shocked and distraught for a moment and then started to cry. Shit. If I’d known she was so sensitive about her age, I wouldn’t have asked. Humans were freakin’ touchy. And I really didn’t see the problem. Kim didn’t look a day over thirty.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “You don’t have to answer.”

  “Actually, I do,” she said, sniffling and wrinkling her brow in worry. “You see, I have some kind of horrible genetic disorder. I stopped going to the doctor years ago because of all the invasive questioning and doubt.”

  “Spit it out, woman,” Rick said, digging into a huge bowl of oatmeal. “You can’t be over thirty.”

  “I’m sixty-five,” she mumbled.

  “What the fuck?” I shouted. “Get out of town. There is no motherhumpin’ ball eating way in the Seven fucking Seas that you’re sixty-five.”

  Rick grabbed the knife, held it up, and cocked his head toward Neville who had clearly heard and understood my inappropriate rant. Standing up and turning around so Rick had access to my butt, I nodded my head.

  Quickly and expertly, he stabbed me in the ass. I was so lucky to have him.

  “Thank you,” I said, sitting back down. “I’d like to apologize for my potty mouth. I’m not used to being around children. However, Kim… if you’re truly sixty-five, you are not all human.”

  “It’s a disease,” she insisted, looking a little bewildered.

  “Who told you it was a disease?” I asked. Did her parents screw with her head?

  “No one. I figured it out myself,” she shouted as she stood up and accidentally knocked her plate to the floor. “I’m so sorry,” she muttered in tears as she went to clean it up.

  “Nay, me darlin’,” Bonar said, softly as he gently pushed her out of the way and took care of the mess. “Just sit yerself back down by yer boy. I’ve got this.”

  Kim did as she was told. Her hands were shaking and her eyes had grown wild. “If I was something other than human, why didn’t my parents tell me so?” she demanded, looking at all of us for an answer we couldn’t give her. “I’ve spent most of my life worrying I would die tomorrow since I had this disorder.”

  She was crying harder now and both of the men in her life—Neville and Bonar—put their arms around her to comfort her.

  Looking over at Rick, I picked up the knife and handed it to him, but he wouldn’t stab me.

  “You haven’t done or said anything wrong,” Rick said, putting the weapon back down in the table.

  “Then why do I feel so awful?” I asked.

  “Because you’re compassionate,” he replied with a smile that made my heart feel light. “It’s one of the things I love about you, along with your passion for blowhole diving and your fabulous knockers.”

  My Werewolf certainly had a way with words, but it was the thought that counted most.

  “Thank you,” I said, feeling a little better.

  “You’re my dream come true,” he said and planted a kiss on my nose.

  Wait. Wait a farking minute. Dream… Dream. Dream come true?

  “KIM,” I shouted, startling everyone including myself. “Your dream.”

  “What dream?” she asked, wiping her tears with a hanky that Bonar had conjured up for her.

  “When you were pregnant with Neville. The dream. The god. The god who spoke to you. Did he tell you his name?”

  “No,” she said, looking at me like I was nuts. “It was a dream—not reality.”

  “I’ll be the judge of that,” I muttered. “What did he look like?”

  “Umm… mossy green hair,” she said, wrinkling her brow in thought. “A crown… and I think a scepter.”

  “Wearing. What was he wearing?” I pressed.

  “Well,” she said with an embarrassed little laugh. “I believe it was a diaper. I assumed since we were talking about my baby he was sporting a diaper to show solidarity.”

  Snapping my fingers, I magically placed a pair of sound blocking earmuffs on Neville. I didn’t have time to get stabbed right now. And I was about to let it rip.

  “Poseidon,” I yelled. “The diaper wearing, rum drinking buttdong of a motherfucker was the god in your dreams! This is some kind of set up.”

  “Pardon me, little swimming hook… Mermaid,” Bonar said, catching himself just in time. “But why would Poseidon set ye up? The nut job loves ye like a daughter.”

  Shit. Bonar was right. The assnard would never set me up to be harmed. However, he was the master of meddling with everyone’s fate—especially the ones he loved the most.

  “Tell me this,” Rick said to Kim as he pulled out his laptop. “The bar you met the Gnomes at to pay the bullshit debt. Is that the bar where you always meet them?”

  Kim nodded with wide eyes, not following any of this. The pieces of the puzzle were coming together, but there was a massive hole in the middle.

  “The old fart only gave me the name of one bar,” Rick said tersely as he searched the notes he’d taken. “I don’t think that was a mistake. At all.”

  “Neither do I,” I agreed as I began to pace the kitchen like a Mermaid on a mission. “However, I still have no clue what the connection is. How are Kim and Neville connected to the abductions of the lesser gods?”

  I stopped pacing and my stomach roiled.

  “What?” Rick demanded, staring at me.

  “Do you think the green-haired turd lied? Do you think any lesser gods have been abducted at all?”

  Rick’s claws popped out and his fangs descended. “I will kick his drunk ass if he’s fucking with us,” he growled and then turned to me. “But before I make him a soprano, I’ll thank him for introducing us.”

  “Good plan,” I acknowledged. “But instead of trying to guess the motives of a butthole who chops his foot off occasionally to mess with the other gods, there’s a faster way to get to the bottom of this.”

  “Holy shit,” Rick grunted with a wince. “He chops off his own foot? Why?”

  �
��Too long to explain it. Suffice it to say he does it because Zeus has gastrointestinal issues,” I said, dialing the idiot god’s number on my cell phone.

  “Umm… okaaay,” Rick replied, confused.

  “It’s ringing,” I said with excitement.

  And then my excitement abated. It went to his voice mail.

  Just as I was about to launch my phone out of the window it rang. However, it wasn’t the caller I wanted to hear from.

  “Dave,” I barked into the phone as I rolled my eyes.

  “Diane,” Dave barked right back, using my fake name which made sense because that was the only name he knew for me. “First off, thank you for the chocolate flowers. My wife’s birthday is today and I forgot to buy her a present. I’m going to re-gift the tasty attractive flowers to her. You’re a real life saver. I ate five, but she’ll never notice. There has to be at least fifty flowers in the box.”

  “Umm…” I said, not sure if I should tell him he’d ingested a butthole. I had to. The dolt was about to give assholes to his wife for her birthday. “Dave, those aren’t chocolate flowers. They’re chocolate buttholes.”

  There was silence on his end of the call. I didn’t blame him. But how was I to know the dumbass was so cheap he was going to re-gift a box of edible buttholes to his wife?

  “Not to worry,” Dave said. “Helga won’t even notice. She can’t see for shit anymore.”

  “No pun intended?” I shot back with a gag.

  “What’s that you say?” he asked.

  “Nothing,” I replied, shaking my head as Rick laughed hysterically. Clearly, he was hearing both sides of the conversation. Werewolf auditory skills were insane. “Why are you calling?”

  “Right,” he said. “Well, it’s a bad fucking day. The insurance company told me to go fuck myself. Bastards won’t let me get a plane. They weren’t real amused when I told them where they could shove their shitty attitudes… and then they eighty-sixed the show.”

  “They canceled us?” I asked, shocked. Sweet Chicken of the Sea in a whirlpool. How in the heck were we supposed to lure the Gnome King out if we didn’t have a damned cooking show anymore? “Won’t the network stand behind us?”