Madison's Mess

by Robyn Peterman

  “Nope,” Dave said. “Dumb sons of bitches are running scared because we lost the insurance bond. Fuckers won’t even take my calls, but that might be because I threatened to crap in their cars and superglue the doors shut.”

  I had nothing to say to that one. I wouldn’t take his call either if I were them.

  “It was a good run while it lasted, Diane. I’m gonna try to get my old job back at the Tasty Freeze. Come by and see me sometime. I’ll give you and Jack a free ice cream cone.”

  “Umm… will do,” I said because I was polite.

  “Oh, and I can’t get ahold of Kim. If you see her let her know we’re kaput.”

  “I will,” I promised. “And Dave?”

  “Yes, Diane?”

  “Thank you.”

  “You’re most welcome. You and Jack made my blood pressure rise, but it was a damned good time. Take care.”

  “You too,” I said as I hung up and flopped down on the couch in defeat. “We’re screwed.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not,” Rick said. “We can just drive back up, case the bar and follow the Gnomes by car. Eventually, we’ll find the damn Palace.”

  It was a plan. Not the best plan and not nearly as fun as jumping out of a plane, but at least it was something.

  “I just wish we knew where the dang Gnome Palace was,” I said, standing up and getting ready to leave.

  “Me know,” Neville said, pulling the earmuffs off his bulbous head.

  Shit. He must have super-duper hearing if he could make out what I had said through the muffs. The little dude was getting one hell of an inappropriate education today.

  Kim’s head turned sharply towards her son. “How do you know where the Gnome Palace is?”

  “Me daddy comes to me in my dreams and he tell me,” Neville said with a happy giggle.

  “You know your daddy?” Kim whispered with a sad smile.

  “Me do!” Neville said. “Last night me daddy say he loves me and he loves you. Me daddy also say Pirate Boooonar is a good man and we can love him. Boooonar will love us forever and ever.”

  Kim’s knees buckled and Bonar caught her in his arms before she hit the floor like a sack of potatoes.

  “Neville’s pappy came to me in me dreams too,” Bonar said, as he carefully laid Kim on the couch and cupped her cheek lovingly. “The salty dog has given me his permission to woo ye. Methinks it would be a fine idea after this is over to take ye and the wee bairn back to the Mystical Isle with me. Are ye all right with that, lovely Kim?”

  “I am,” Kim whispered through her tears. “I would be honored.”

  “Aye, then it’s done,” Bonar said, dancing a spastic little jig of joy.

  Shaking my head at the magical irony of all that was transpiring, I sat down next to Neville and snapped my fingers. Pink glitter blew around the room as a detailed map of Tennessee appeared on the kitchen table.

  “Can you point to where the Gnome Palace is located?” I asked the little dude as I ruffled his red hair. “It would be really awesome if you could do that for me.”

  Neville glanced over at his mom and Kim nodded.

  “There,” he said, placing his chubby finger in the middle of what appeared to be a large forest preserve.

  “Are you sure?” Rick asked, snapping a picture of the location with his phone.

  “Me sure,” Neville said with a huge yawn. “Me tired now. Me take nap.”

  With that, the little guy toddled over to the stairs and waited for his mom.

  “I’ll be right back,” Kim said, scooping Neville into her arms. “He’ll sleep for around two hours. I can help you get ready to leave in a sec.”

  We didn’t need help. We hadn’t brought anything with us and whatever we needed I could produce with magic. Rick packed up the rest of breakfast so he could eat it on the drive and I made sure nothing embarrassing or incriminating was left in the man cave.

  “Bonar, I have no clue what Rick and I are gonna do, but that’s never stopped either one of us before,” I told my friend.

  “True,” Rick said with a grin, taking my hand in his.

  “But if something happens, tell my sisters I love them and tell Poseidon that I will haunt the shit out of his dreams for the rest of his unnatural life,” I said.

  “Aye, lassie,” Bonar said with a bow of respect. “Will do.”

  “Can I help with anything?” Kim said as she came back down the stairs.

  “Nope,” I said, hugging her. “We’re locked and loaded. You’re still a mystery, but we’ll get to that soon.”

  Kim nodded and hugged me tight. “Thank you for everything, Madison. You and Rick have changed our lives for the better. Please be careful.”

  My grin was huge and Rick’s was even wider. Alone we were pretty awesome, but together we fucking rocked.

  12

  Rick

  “Crap, we’ve been down this road three times,” I said in frustration as I pulled up the picture of the map on my phone. Without an address, the GPS wasn’t of much help. I knew we were close, I could feel it in my freakin’ fangs.

  The forest was dense and the wildlife sparse. Gnomes were definitely carnivores. Huge pines and unkempt thorny shrubs swayed ominously in the afternoon summer breeze. It was so dark it was almost impossible to tell if it was day or night. My instinct was to drive Madison right out of the forest and come back alone. However, I was very aware that would not fly with my Mermaid. She was an insane, violent warrior with great knockers. I was a certifiable killing machine when necessary and my Johnson was impressive. Neither of us had a fear gene. Together we were the definition of Hades’ worst nightmare.

  “Do you think Neville made a mistake?” Madison questioned with concern. “He seemed so sure, but if we can’t find it we can always go with plan B.”

  “Steal a plane and parachute into the Gnome compound?” I asked with a grin.

  “Umm… no. I didn’t think of that. Although, I like the way your mind works.” She paused then gasped. “Sweet Seven Seas in a tsunami, do you think the Gnome Palace has been glamoured so no one can’t find it?”

  It was an excellent fucking question. We’d arrived in the forest over an hour ago and been driving in circles ever since.

  “You. Are. Brilliant,” I shouted, stopping the truck and getting out. “You drive.”

  “Why?” she asked as she scooted over and took the wheel.

  “Because I can see through glamours.”

  Madison’s laugh had fast become what I lived for and she busted out a fantastic one. Gods, she made me feel ten feet tall.

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously,” I confirmed with pride. “However, I have to shift to be able to do it.”

  “Yesssssss,” Madison squealed, bouncing up and down in the seat. “I’ve been dying to see your wolf.”

  “You have?” I asked, surprised. “I was worried it would freak you out.”

  She punched me in the arm and rolled her sparkling rose-colored eyes. “You’ve seen me grow a tail with scales on it and breathe underwater. Why in Poseidon’s drunk butt would you think I’d be freaked out by your wolf?”

  Gods, this woman was so perfect for me. I was tempted to punch myself in the head to make sure I wasn’t dreaming but thought better of it. “Well, he’s really big,” I told her hesitantly. “My pack never liked him much.”

  “Your pack sounds like a bunch of jackholes. Is your wolf bigger than your Alpha’s wolf?” she inquired with a raised brow.

  I nodded.

  “There you go, dude. That buttmunch is threatened by you, end of story,” Madison snapped, clearly annoyed that I’d been treated badly.

  She might have a point. All male Werewolves considered each other brothers, but the Alpha actually was my biological brother. And my brother didn’t like me much. The feeling was mutual. Rob was older by a year and was as careful and guarded as I was carefree and adventurous—or out of fucking control as my brother liked to put it. I wasn’t sure if it was his respons
ibilities that pissed him off so much or if it was me.

  I’d tried and failed repeatedly to be what he wanted me to be. I’d always thought that if I could get back into my pack’s good graces that life would be terrific—even perfect. However, that was no longer my dream because a beautiful pink haired girl had seen me for exactly what I was and loved me anyway.

  “Is the truck large enough for your wolf?” Madison asked with the excitement of a little kid on Christmas morning.

  “Barely, but yes,” I told her with a laugh as I pressed the button to open the sunroof. If I could stick my head out, I would fit just fine—tight but fine.

  I hadn’t shifted in a while and my inner wolf was now clawing at my insides to get out. Maybe I had more in common with my Mermaid than I’d thought. She needed to swim to survive and I needed to run. The bonus was that I’d be even stronger than I was right now if I let my wolf come out for a bit.

  “So which plan do we want to go with when we find the Palace?” Madison asked. “I mean, we came up with about ten on the drive, but all of them have big fat hairy holes. Bottom line is that we need to get the lesser gods out and secure Stew the asswipe so Poseidon can de-ball him at a later date. Any incidental destruction is purely an extra.”

  She was correct. We needed something more solid—something foolproof or at the very least, seriously dangerous. If we were going to bite it while securing a Gnome king to be castrated by a soused, green haired god, I wanted to go down in flames or a massive explosion.

  “How about this?” I suggested, pulling a plan out of my ass. I rolled best that way. “I shift and we find the fucker’s Palace. We pull up to the gate because all loser Gnome Palaces have gates in fairy tales. I quickly shift back. You magically blow out our tires—and make it loud… explosive loud. Poof, we’re stranded in front of exactly where we want to be.”

  “I like it,” she said with a nod. “And they’ll definitely recognize Jack and Diane. Enough of the bastards have been to the show. Someone has to know who we are. We say we were out scouting locations for the new episode—trying to find an area to do a fifty foot-high bonfire to roast s’mores.”

  “Love it,” I shouted and kissed my Mermaid hard. “Then what?”

  Madison giggled and shrugged. “No fucking clue. From there we wing it.”

  “I’m in.”

  “Show me your wolf, big boy,” she purred.

  I was sad that we couldn’t get in a quickie before we potentially died. However, if we were as close to the Palace as I thought we were, there was a fine chance we could be discovered with our pants down. That was not a good plan.

  “Wait.” Madison put her hand on my arm. “How will we communicate when you shift?”

  “One bark go right. Two go left. Three go straight and a growl to stop the vehicle.”

  “Got it,” she said with excitement in her eyes. “Shift. Now.”

  I did. But first I stripped. I didn’t want to shred the shit out of my clothes and have to deal with Gnomes while my Johnson blew in the wind.

  Closing my eyes, I let the enchantment take over. I could feel the ancient magic of my ancestors as it flowed through my veins. My bones shifted seamlessly and my skin became dark golden fur. My face elongated, but my eyes stayed the same blue. A feeling of intense freedom washed over me and I chuffed at being stuck in a damn truck. The need to sprint through the forest was overwhelming.

  “Gorgeous,” Madison whispered in awe as she hesitantly put her hand out to stroke me.

  In my shift, I’d almost forgotten she was in the car, but the sound of her voice pulled me right back into reality. All desire to run through the woods disappeared when I saw her sitting next to me with love and admiration in her eyes. My wolf was home with this brave, crazy, and beautiful Mermaid. He knew it and I knew it.

  “Can I touch you?” she asked with a smile and a tilt of her head.

  Lowering my huge head, I rubbed it against her cheek. My Mermaid sighed with joy and wrapped her arms around my furry neck. She showed no fear. No disappointment. No dislike. It was the first time in a very long time that my wolf was completely at peace.

  Well, not completely at peace. It was pissed off that we hadn’t bitten our mate yet and made her ours in the way of our kind. That would come soon. Last night wasn’t the right time since the mating bite caused the mating frenzy. We’d need at least a week to get that amount of boinking out of our system.

  Right now, we didn’t have that kind of time. We had a mission to accomplish and some lesser gods to free. A week of aerobic nookie was on the agenda for later. We just needed to live through the next hour or two.

  Sticking my head out of the sunroof, I tensed and growled. Madison turned the car off immediately. There was a very good reason I felt like we were close to the Gnome Palace. We were parked right in front of it. Huge iron gates with the heinous face of the Gnome King carved into them stared menacingly at me.

  Shee-ott. I quickly thanked the gods that we’d not been spotted yet. I didn’t want to blow my lupine cover unless I had to. Gnomes were violent, but they were also stupid. I wanted them to believe that Jack and Diane were human for as long as possible.

  Shifting back, I quickly redressed and checked for my explosives and knives. Bingo. I was good to go.

  “We’re here?” Madison whispered.

  “We are definitely fucking here.”

  “All I see are trees and bushes,” she said, peering out of the window.

  “That’s all I can see now too,” I told her, feeling my adrenaline spike. “However, once they see us and take us through the gates we should be able to see everything.”

  “How do you know all of this?” she asked as she prepared to blow out the tires.

  “Unfortunately, I’ve fought the Gnomes before. They have hidden compounds like this all over the world. It’s why most humans think the Gnomes are a myth.”

  “Got it,” Madison said, checking her weapons. “Kill spots?”

  “Removal of the head, of course,” I told her. “But you can also go for the nards. A solid kick or a heavy blast of magic to the nuts will render them helpless for about thirty minutes. A dagger will work too.”

  “Duuuude,” Madison said with a roll of her eyes. “That’s the same for all males who get racked.”

  “Trust me on this,” I told her with a laugh. “They curl up into a ball like a roly-poly bug and scream like a fucking girl the entire time they’re down. However, their nards are tiny and you have to get a direct hit.”

  “You’re shitting me,” Madison said with a laugh.

  “I shit you not,” I shot right back grinning. “It’s the gods’ honest truth.”

  “You ready?” she asked with a wild look of excitement in her eyes.

  “Born ready,” I replied.

  And then the plans changed. Drastically.

  “Mooomaid? Waaawuf?” came a little voice from the very back of the SUV.

  “What the fuck?” I hissed as I whipped my head to the left and spotted a happily waving Neville.

  “Ohhhh shitshitshitshitshit,” Madison said in a panic. “I’m seriously cool with risking my own life, but not Neville’s.”

  “Ditto,” I said, reaching for the alien dude and pulling his little body onto my lap. “Start the truck. We have the get the hell out of here.”

  “On it,” Madison said and then froze. “Incoming.”

  She paled considerably and pointed to six Gnomes headed our way.

  “Gods damn it,” I snarled and tried to shove the child under the front seat.

  “We can’t leave him in the car,” Madison said, freaking out.

  I wanted to join her freak out, but we had to think quick. “We can’t walk in with him. They want him dead.”

  “Oh yes we can,” she said as she waved her hands and a large backpack appeared.

  Grabbing Neville and kissing him on the head she went nose to nose with him. “Right now we’re not going to discuss that it was a really poopy thing to
do to stow away in the truck. Your mommy is gonna have a dang fit. You’re going to get into the backpack and Rick is going to carry you on his back.”

  “I am?” I asked.

  “You are,” Madison confirmed as she gently but quickly helped the little alien dude into the pack. “Neville, you can’t make a sound. This is very important and you have to obey me. Please.”

  “Me will, Mooomaid,” Neville said with huge terrified eyes, not quite as proud of his choice to come along now.

  “Text Bonar on my phone,” Madison instructed me as she helped me put the backpack on. “We have an app called Find My Friends. Bonar will be able to find us as long as I have my phone on me.”

  “That’s brilliant,” I said as I quickly texted Bonar and alerted him to the shit show about to happen.

  The Gnomes were almost on us and they didn’t look pleased. While normally that would thrill me to the nth degree. Right now it sucked every kind of ass and then some.

  “You ready, Diane?” I asked through clenched teeth as I smiled and waved at the fast approaching fuckers.

  “Do I have a choice, Jack?” Madison shot back just as tersely.

  “Nope.”

  “Then I’m ready. Let’s do this shit.”

  13

  Madison

  Storming the truck with speed that shook the floor of the forest, the Gnomes looked ready for the kill. They surrounded the SUV with their weapons drawn. It was a very fucking bad situation considering our stowaway. Under other circumstances, I would have gone to town on their disgusting asses, but that wasn’t going to happen today. Our hands were tied with a baby on board.

  The guards were in Gnome form standing about seven feet tall with enormous fangs and oversized heads. Their bodies were covered in wiry hair and their backs were hunched. For centuries, they’d screwed with humans pretending to be the elusive Bigfoot. All of the members of the Sasquatch population that I knew were seriously put out by this since they were far more attractive than the Gnomes—attractive being a relative word.