Please Send Help

by Gaby Dunn

  After seven hours of learning why it’s important to not pay taxes but still be able to collect welfare, I decided I needed human interaction. I asked Beau where the younger locals go to unwind and he replied, “I go to my aunt’s house.” At first I thought he was inviting me to his aunt’s house, but thankfully he was not. So I ventured out on my own.

  The first place I saw on “Main Street” was called “GOTCHA.” And boy did they get me. I had three beers in thirty minutes. Don’t worry, they were only $2 each. I think they were homemade? Better not to know.

  I chatted up the bartender for a bit. She was sort of cool …

  Actually, looking back, she was the worst, but she was under thirty so we felt like kindred spirits at the time.

  I think I might need to download a dating app. Here’s hoping this town has Wi-Fi. (Or any queer people.)

  Re: SYSTEMS BACK ONLINE

  Ava Helmer

  9/13/19

  to Gen

  Hi! I didn’t even realize we didn’t talk! I’ve been so frazzled. Seven hours of sleep is NOT enough for me.

  $2 beer seems very dangerous for you. I think I might call GOTCHA and ask them to charge you $5.

  I’m sorry you haven’t made friends just yet. Are there any colleges nearby? Maybe Beau’s aunt is cooler than you think?

  I think what you need is a big story! Remember when you uncovered a huge sexual harassment scandal the first MONTH of college? There has to be something fishy in Fernandina Beach! (Pun intended.)

  Dana and I are getting along surprisingly well given my history with roommates. And with men.

  My entire suite from sophomore year has still blocked me on Instagram. JOKE’S ON YOU! I can see anything from a web browser.

  Dana has a crush on one of the segment producers, Jenna. She’s at least thirty-five. And married to a woman. I actually think he has a chance though. I’ll be sure to keep you updated.

  We’ve discussed buying a second couch together. Things are getting PRETTY serious.

  My parents are calling me multiple times a day. How the tables have turned! Who is codependent now! (It’s still me but now also my mom.)

  I totally forgot to answer your question re: pitching jokes. The answer is generally no, but they love to dangle the carrot. Ben says if I think of anything really great I should tell him and he will pass it on on my behalf. I think I have a crush on Ben. Anyway, I have to get back to the “grind.” These office supplies won’t deliver themselves.

  Vaarwel!

  Ava

  (Remember when we studied abroad in Amsterdam?! That was pretty cool.)

  9:15 PM

  CAUGHT!

  Oh, no!

  You thought I wouldn’t see it?

  I was hoping.

  I’ve long suspected you skim my emails.

  HOW DARE YOU!

  I always ctrl-F “crush”

  And “sex”

  And “Gen”

  Ha! I should have known.

  So. Spill.

  Nothing to spill. Just a harmless little crush on an authority figure.

  Ew.

  That’s my thing.

  Check your email in like thirty minutes

  Why?

  9:37 PM

  Why?

  9:45 PM

  I’m scared.

  A BRIEF HISTORY OF BAD IDEAS

  Gen Goldman

  9/13/19

  to Ava

  Below is an incomplete list of your misguided romantic infatuations.

  1) Jake Something Or Other: Freshman year of college. Mean frat guy who couldn’t act. Gave your PIV virginity to him. Broke up after only a few months. Ignored you on campus for two and a half years.

  2) Aaron Rodriguez: Second half of freshman year. You spent months pining over him even though it was clear he was not interested. Very humiliating. Hard to recover from.

  3) Jessie Weisman: Three summer “flings” in a row. Each time you thought you two would stay together during the school year. Each time, you did not. Would not return your calls from August to May. You claimed to be “in love.”

  4) Matt Lewis: Your TA! You hypocrite!

  5) Painter guy senior year. Can’t remember his name. Doubt he remembers yours.

  6) Ben. Your boss.

  Just some food for thought! Have a great night!

  Gen

  Re: A BRIEF HISTORY OF BAD IDEAS

  Ava Helmer

  9/13/19

  to Gen

  UNSUBSCRIBE

  (Thanks for not mentioning Johannes. That one still hurts.)

  Re: A BRIEF HISTORY OF BAD IDEAS

  Gen Goldman

  9/13/19

  to Ava

  Fuck! I forgot Johannes. That guy really screwed you. Thank god the embassy got you ANOTHER PASSPORT.

  Sat, Sep 14, 8:15 AM

  Why am I awake?

  8:35 AM

  Are you awake?

  9:21 AM

  Have you ever seen the Today show?

  These people are crazy.

  Who hired them?

  9:42 AM

  Hi! Sorry! Slept in!

  I have seen the Today show. It is not good.

  I am so bored. Can you come visit me?

  Sure. How about Columbus Day?

  When is that?

  October.

  But I’m bored NOW!

  Go swimming in the ocean.

  Are you threatening me?

  SO I WENT TO THE BEACH …

  Gen Goldman

  9/15/19

  to Ava

  And I found a WHALE of a TALE! (Thank you, thank you very much.)

  Where to begin! I know: my outfit!

  I wanted to “blend in” with the locals so I wore my dad’s rattiest Hawaiian shirt and cutoff jeans. I looked hot yet approachable. I set up camp near a volleyball game in the hopes of getting hit on the head and taken out of my misery of living in Florida.

  Instead, the ball simply rolled into my lap and a star was born. Turns out, I am VERY good at volleyball. Full disclosure, I was playing against fifteen-year-olds, but some of them were very tall.

  The whole group of teens go to this charter school, West Lake. Remember the name West Lake.

  Let me tell you about West Lake. It’s a shit show. They’re funded by the government but have almost no oversight. Every few months the parents of the students have to “donate” a couple hundred bucks to keep the school going. (Yes, this is illegal.)

  But that’s not even the craziest part. Joanne, the second tallest, told me that on the second Saturday of every month, the school administration turns the gym into an underground nightclub, sells alcohol without a license and charges an entrance fee.

  GUESS WHAT YESTERDAY WAS:

  That’s right. The second Saturday of the month!

  I think it’s obvious what happened next. I infiltrated the illegal nightclub with the help of my new teenage friends! Hijinks ensued!

  Well, not really. But they did tell me where to go and how to get in. They couldn’t attend because they are clearly underage and attend the school. So old Gen was flying solo on her first sting of the year.

  It was surprisingly easy to get in. I just had to pay ten dollars and say “Marlin.” I’m starting to think I didn’t even need a password and those kids were just fucking with me …

  NEVERTHELESS, SHE PERSISTED

  I was in. I think they used the term “nightclub” a little too loosely, but it definitely charged at the door and sold alcohol. There was heterosexual debauchery all around me! A lot of low-cut blouses with crucifix necklaces bouncing between exposed breasts.… (Should I write erotica? Yes or no?)

  I only stayed for an hour or so after talking to a few “regulars” who confirmed this was indeed a monthly occurrence. I was on my way out when I bumped into this girl who I later learned was named Coralee. I only learned this because after we
went to GOTCHA together, I asked her what her tattoo meant and she said, “It’s my name.”

  Coralee is our age and just broke up with her high school boyfriend. So it’s the perfect time for me to swoop in and steal her heart.

  Overall, I had a pretty great day. Uncovered a scam. Met my first wife. Learned how to spike.

  WHAT DID YOU DO?

  G

  P.S. I am very burnt. I need you here to remind me to wear sunscreen.

  Re: SO I WENT TO THE BEACH …

  Ava Helmer

  9/15/19

  to Gen

  Wow! Lot to unpack here. My thoughts below in no particular order.

  1) You can buy sunblock that smells really good. Coconut or mango. I think if it smells good you will want to eat it and then when you realize you can’t eat it you will still want it on your body.

  2) You are not good at volleyball. Every few years you think that you are good at volleyball. I have seen you play many times. Grunting the loudest is not part of the actual game.

  3) Is Coralee bi? Does she have any experience with women? Will this be straight-girl-Leslie all over again?

  4) CONGRATULATIONS! You have cracked a case! It is a strange case that could probably only happen in Florida, but it is a case nonetheless!

  5) I hope you washed your dad’s shirt. He has done some filthy things.

  On a less beachy note, I have survived my first week of work AND half a weekend. I think I’m an official New Yorker now. I really thought I would have flown home crying by now. (No need to list all the times I have flown home crying. They are seared into my brain.)

  I really like it here. Dana is a surprisingly good roommate and work goes by quickly even though it’s all menial tasks. We walked through Central Park yesterday and it felt like the beginning of a movie that won’t really have enough conflict but is still enjoyable in the theater. (You would probably turn it off if you were watching at home though.)

  We were going to go to the MET after but then realized no one actually wanted to go. We just thought we should go to seem cultured and sophisticated. I suggested ice cream instead and everyone (Dana, Ben, and this other intern Lacie) agreed. I’m basically the ringleader of the group now LOL. There must be a glitch in the Matrix.

  Okay, I have to run because Dana wants to sign up for a UCB class and I said I’d check out the theater with him.

  Is it weird I genuinely don’t want to sleep with Dana? I would be mad if I found out he didn’t want to sleep with me. Just because of the male sex drive etc.…

  GOT TO GO! BUY SOME ALOE!

  A

  P.S. I think you are too niche to write mainstream erotica.

  2:13 PM

  Who said anything about MAINSTREAM erotica??

  I want to have a strange but dedicated following!

  Ha! Okay.

  Strange in any specific way or …

  Butt stuff.

  Isn’t that pretty mainstream at this point?

  AVA!

  You little hussy!

  Why was Ben hanging out with you guys?

  Ouch!

  I’ve been working on my personality!

  No! I mean why is the boss hanging out with the interns.

  Oh. We were all talking about the park on Friday and it just sort of happened. He sort of planned the whole thing.

  Send me a picture of him.

  No.

  Does he look like a person who has friends?

  Hard to say, he does have claws and blood dripping from his mouth at all times.

  FU I will google.

  8:45 PM

  He looks like he’d have 2 or 3 friends.

  CODE RED

  Gen Goldman

  9/16/19

  to Ava

  Unbelievable. Or should I say: TOO FUCKING BELIEVABLE.

  I waltz into Grady’s office today, swag in my step, great story in my pocket. I plop into his wicker chair reserved for “guests” and tell him everything. My volleyball skills. The teens. The rave. The illegal alcohol sales. Everything. I have notes. I have photos. And …

  HE LAUGHS.

  For about two minutes. I think there were a few tears. Apparently this is the worst kept secret since Mrs. Norman’s affair with her gardener (I have no idea who Mrs. Norman is btw). No one cares it’s an illegal rave because it’s good for the school. Don’t I support education?!

  At this point my blood is boiling. A few years ago I would have snapped that chair over his sweaty head, but instead, I muttered some RUDE things under my breath and walked out. Phyllis asked what happened and in a moment of weakness I told her. So SHE started laughing. Apparently the principal of West Lake is Grady’s former brother-in-law and now cousin-in-law. You’d think he’d want this guy to go down! He left his sister for his cousin!

  I don’t know what to do. This is a great title but I can’t waste my best years at a paper that won’t let me report. I want to quit. Please talk me down.

  G

  Re: CODE RED

  Ava Helmer

  9/16/19

  to Gen

  Can I say something “crazy” and “out of character”? I actually think you SHOULD quit. This job sucks. I never fully understood why you took it in the first place … You should be in a major city. There have to be other journalism jobs out there. I know you can’t afford to do an internship but there has to be a better option than sweaty Grady in bumfuck Florida!

  Come stay with me for a little! Dana and I have quite a soft couch. Oh my god! It will be so fun! I can’t guarantee it, but maybe Dana will have sex with you??? He will probably have sex with you.

  Just make sure you quit in epic Gen-like fashion! We want to really be able to milk this story for years to come!

  A

  Re: CODE RED

  Gen Goldman

  9/16/19

  to Ava

  I can’t quit, Ava. You clearly don’t understand my situation. At all.

  3:15 PM

  Now you’re mad at me???

  You love to quit things!

  You’re the one who suggested quitting!

  I don’t have rich parents, Ava.

  Okay …

  I know that.

  Do you?

  Because big cities cost money.

  And journalists don’t make any.

  That’s not true! There are journalists everywhere.

  I’m not saying you have to move to N.Y., but this isn’t your only option.

  I can’t quit after one week.

  Who would hire me?

  And I can’t not work.

  I have student loans. Unlike some people.

  Wow.

  I’m sorry I don’t have student loans and that I want you to be happy.

  I’m clearly a horrible person.

  You’re not horrible. You’re out of touch.

  Okay. BRB while I go watch Fox News.

  Wed, Sep 18, 10:13 AM

  Beau just told me he stabs frogs on the road and then eats them.

  Also I forgive you.

  I don’t remember apologizing.

  It was implied.

  What do you mean he stabs them?

  Or do I not want to know?

  He stabs them with a rod and cooks them.

  My life was fine before knowing this.

  Sure, fine but not great.

  True!

  THE SHOW MUST GO ON

  Ava Helmer

  9/18/19

  to Gen

  Halona McBride is a B.I.T.C.H. And you know I use that term extremely lightly. But this time it’s justified. She just threw what I can only describe as a tantrum because we didn’t book the guests she wanted for next week.

  Here’s the crazy(est) part: she didn’t tell anyone who she wanted for next week! She just assumed the booker would know??? Anyway, said booker is now fired, and no one got to eat lunch because she made us lis
ten to some sort of speech that she was clearly pulling out of her ass in real time.

  Some takeaways from said speech:

  1) There is a reason we all deserve to be here. Also, we can be replaced at any time.

  2) David Letterman would never have to put up with this shit.

  3) She is a mom. (For some reason, she kept repeating that she is a mom. Apparently that is a VERY big deal and not something 80 percent of women do.)

  4) We are not the news. We are more important than the news.

  5) She’s lost weight and no one has noticed.

  They always say, don’t meet your heroes. Imagine being yelled at by one!

  We made eye contact briefly. I hope she likes me.

  Ava

  P.S. I now understand how people like Hitler came to power.

  6:45 PM

  I’m so sad about Halona.

  Are you sure you weren’t hallucinating due to N.Y.C. pollution?

  You think I’m happy about this???

  She was my hero!

  Maybe she really is going through a divorce???

  She threw a shoe at someone.

  WHO?

  No one knows! They were just passing by!

  Here’s a question. Would we all be so shocked and outraged at her behavior if she was a man?

  If he threw a shoe? Yes.

  You should see her clothes though. Flawless.

  OMG, I bet.

  THE GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER TOLD

  Gen Goldman

  9/19/19

  to Ava

  I have never met a girl like Coralee. I have never met a girl named Coralee. I want to bone Coralee.

  I texted her after work last night and suggested meeting up for a drink. I thought enough time had passed since the rave where I would seem interested but not desperate. She wrote back immediately. I love flirting with straight women. They have no idea it’s even happening until I have their shirt off!