Please Send Help

by Gaby Dunn

  We met up at my new favorite bar, GOTCHA, Fernandina Beach’s number-one destination for warm beer and watered-down shots. I was wearing a plaid button-down and those jeans that make it look like I have a butt. She wore a short dress and cowboy boots.

  Apparently, I LOVE a woman in cowboy boots.

  It was awkward at first because she’s never been to California or read a book, but once I found out she liked procedurals we were off to the races. No one knows more about crime shows than me. She likes NCIS the best, but I’m trying to look past her flaws. I’m sure she’ll change her tune when I introduce her to The Fall. She will fall right into my arms. (I can hear you groaning from here.)

  I decided two drinks in to take it slow. She’s fresh off a breakup and has no idea that I’m what she clearly wants/needs. The girl was still wearing her class ring.… She has no idea what’s good for her.

  I forgot how fun it is to have a crush. I feel like I’ve been celibate for half my life. (Fifteen days and counting.) I think I judged this place too quickly. If there are just two or three more Coralees around, I should be set for a whole year!

  She kissed my cheek at the end of the night. Real sensual like. She smells like Bath & Body Works’s Country Apple.

  Things are coming up Goldman!

  G

  Re: THE GREATEST LOVE STORY EVER TOLD

  Ava Helmer

  9/19/19

  to Gen

  Coralee sounds like a fake name. Miss Coralee, your sweet tea is ready! Miss Coralee, the soldiers, they’re a comin, from the North! Miss Coralee, are you friends with any black people?

  Sorry. Sorry. I’m tired. And clearly judgemental about the South.

  I’m glad you have a crush. I hope it turns into something true and fulfilling. Or you guys hook up a few times and stay really good friends. (Like most lesbians.)

  Have you heard from Alex at all? Is he liking D.C.? What is he doing there again?

  I wish I was still friends with one of my exes.

  JUST KIDDING! I hate them all!

  P.S. Dana definitely saw me naked that one time because he brought it up today in a big group and I had to laugh like I knew it was a thing that was okay. I hope he only saw the left nip. We both know the right one has some explaining to do.

  6:45 PM

  I don’t know what my esteemed ex-boyfriend is doing.

  We’re not speaking.

  What happened this time?

  He insulted my intelligence.

  Did he really? Or did you misinterpret something?

  Are YOU insulting my intelligence?!

  No! Never!

  Good.

  If there is one thing I know, it’s when I’ve been insulted.

  Or if someone is giving me bedroom eyes.

  And that’s why I never look you directly in the face.

  7:13 PM

  I bet Dana’s jerked off to you.

  Who is this??

  hahahahahaha

  BM SOS

  Ava Helmer

  9/20/19

  to Gen

  Dearest Genevieve,

  I write to you from a state of complete despair. The clock reads 11:45AM. I am hunched over my desk, in crippling pain for something horrible has happened:

  My morning excrement did not come.

  You know I adhere to a very strict schedule, especially when it comes to my bowels. But for some unforeseen reason, the poop would not come. Until now. While I am at work. And there is only one unisex bathroom. That is always busy.

  This is hell. I am in hell.

  If this massive shit kills me, promise not to tell anyone. Just tell them I loved too hard.

  Good-bye forever,

  Ava Helmer

  11:52 AM

  Just go to the bathroom!

  I can’t! Everyone will hear me!

  Do you need me to get you that book Everybody Poops?

  No.

  I already have three copies.

  I think I might pass out from the exertion of holding everything in.

  Is it possible to give yourself a hernia?

  AVA

  Go to the bathroom! It’s 2019!

  You can’t use that for this!

  I can use it for everything!

  I don’t need to wear a bra! It’s 2019!

  Women can be professional baseball players! It’s 2019!

  I wasn’t going over the speed limit because there is no speed limit! It’s 2019!

  Have you ever pooped at work?

  Fuck no.

  But you know I go at night.

  12:13 PM

  Greetings from my apartment.

  I went home sick.

  SO YOU COULD POOP?!

  Don’t judge me!

  Women can be women however they want!

  It’s 2019!

  POSSIBLE SOLUTION

  Gen Goldman

  9/21/19

  to Ava

  What if I went behind Grady’s back and tried to take the charter school story to a larger paper that isn’t full of corruption? Like the Miami Herald? Or The Florida Times Union?? I bet they would be all over a story like this.

  I have made a list of pros and cons so you won’t ask me to.

  PROS

  • Corruption will be exposed

  • Changes will be made

  • I’ll get a major byline

  CONS

  • The school will lose money and might have to shut down

  • Grady will never trust me again, and I actually like Grady

  • I will definitely, 100 percent, get fired

  Tough call, I know. Leaning toward blowing this whole thing up.

  SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER REGRET MY MISTAKES

  G

  TERRIBLE SOLUTION

  Ava Helmer

  9/21/19

  to Gen

  Gen. Genevieve. Genny?

  I think you must already know this is a bad idea because you’re bothering to ask me. And your sign-off included the phrase “my mistakes.”

  Look, you’ll be the first to tell me I’m no journalist, but this seems like the wrong move for multiple reasons.

  1) No one will hire you after this because they won’t be able to trust you. Remember last summer when you got drunk and started screaming about the importance of paper loyalty until that Target employee asked you to leave? What you are proposing is the opposite of that.

  2) Is this story even worth it? No one is forcing these people to pay for the rave. What would you even be exposing? An illegal liquor license? Unapproved fun? If this was something that was actively hurting people I would tell you to do anything to get it out there, but it seems like a victimless crime that actually helps the school.

  3) Shouldn’t you use this rebellious spirit to find a better story? One that actually needs to be exposed?

  I hope you are very impressed with my moral relativism. I plan to bring it up for years to come!

  A

  P.S. Ben just texted me “hey” on a weekend.

  Re: TERRIBLE SOLUTION

  Gen Goldman

  9/21/19

  to Ava

  I see what you did with that subject-line change. Well played.

  Ugh. I guess you’re right. AS ALWAYS. I shall disregard this flagrant disrespect for the law in lieu of a better story. (If I don’t find one though I’m gonna burn that party to the ground.)

  On a lighter note, Ben definitely wants to fuck.

  6:23 PM

  Why would you say that??

  It’s not like he wrote “U UP”

  That part was implied.

  He sent the text in the morning!

  Ever heard of day drinking?

  What did you write back?

  I haven’t yet.

  AVA!

  What? I didn’t know what to say.

  Now he’s going to fall in love with you!!

&nb
sp; Why?! Because I didn’t text him back?

  Yes.

  Duh.

  I’ll just write back now.

  What are you wearing?

  Um. My lavender Splendid dress and tights.

  Good, because I have a feeling you’ll be wearing that tomorrow too.

  HOW DID YOU KNOW?

  Ava Helmer

  9/22/19

  to Gen

  Seriously. Do you have powers? Are you a soothsayer? You can tell me. I promise not to turn you in to the government. Unless they really need you.

  I spent the night with Ben. NOT the way you think. But also a little bit the way you think.

  After our convo, I spent another thirty minutes figuring out the perfect response and decided on “Hey!” He immediately replied, making me think it might be a work thing, but he asked what I was doing. Apparently he had an extra ticket to a screening of Funny Girl at the Film Forum. I had to leave right away in order to meet him, which was good because it didn’t really give me time to think about what I was doing. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I LET MYSELF THINK!

  He was waiting for me outside wearing what I can only describe as female catnip: white Converse, no socks, button-down, tight jeans. WOOF! (Sorry for barking.)

  I didn’t know if I should hug him or not so I shook his hand. Yep. I shook his hand even though he is someone I already spend 5 out of 7 days with. He laughed and assumed I was being charming. (Thank god for Zooey Deschanel.)

  The movie was wonderful and then terrible. Why do people feel the need to ruin a perfectly happy story with a sad ending? (Yes, I am aware this is a biopic but they could have kept it to the good stuff like they did with that Stephen Hawking movie. That couple didn’t make it IRL but no one needs to know that! Not me!)

  I thought I would head home after the movie, but Ben wanted to get ice cream. That’s right. Ice cream. Not a drink. A dessert. I didn’t know life could be so fun!

  We shared two cones (four flavors) and walked around a bit. I felt like a modern-day princess when he opened a door for me. My expectations are way too low. But I’m young and in love with my supervisor! It’s a tale as old as time!

  I think you would actually like Ben. He’s very sarcastic and smart. He’s read almost as much fiction as I have AND he doesn’t know how to fix anything with his hands. So he is clearly not a slave to the gender binary!

  I ended up back at his place. It took me a while to figure out he had been guiding us there the whole time. Probably because he acted surprised too, like, “Oh, this is actually my place. Want to see it?” I did want to see it!

  He lives alone, which makes him a god among men in Manhattan. (I think he must have rich parents. Is it bad that I like the idea of my significant other having rich parents?) The place is decorated like someone other than a single thirty something man decorated it. Far too many accessories.

  I still wasn’t sure if we were on a “date” or if he was just a friendly guy who wanted someone to hang out with on a Saturday night because his normal friends were out of town. I mean fine, he invited me to a movie, navigated me into his place, and put on smooth jazz, but maybe he just wanted to keep it platonic! (I know. I know. I have low self-esteem. But I still find it shocking whenever someone is physically attracted to me. We’re in New York! There are models here!)

  We were talking about his sketch team (which he does on top of stand-up) and he showed me a few videos. They are pretty funny! I mean not like LOL but not unbearable? He looks very cute on-camera.

  After about an hour he asked me if I wanted to go home. This caused me to panic and assume I had far overstayed my welcome. I jumped up and grabbed my things, apologizing for staying so late; I had clearly misunderstood what was going on. He grabbed my arm at that point and assured me he didn’t want me to leave. He just didn’t want me to feel pressured to stay because of, you know, the uneven power dynamic.

  I sat back down, relieved. I didn’t want to go either. That’s when he blushed and told me he’s had a crush on me since our first day. WHAT! WHY? I WORE A BLAZER THE FIRST DAY!

  He was torn about what to do because he’s technically my boss and didn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable position. He seemed genuinely conflicted about it so I did the only thing I could think of to make him feel better: I kissed him. (On the mouth, you dirty bird.)

  I think I finally understand the appeal of older men. They actually know what to do with their tongues. (In my mouth! Get your head out of the gutter!) We must have kissed for an hour before saying anything. My face was rubbed raw and surprisingly painful. I asked if he had any face cream, which he also seemed to find charming (thank god).

  After applying a healthy dose of Neutrogena Sensitive Skin, we resumed our position on the couch, but this time started talking. About pretty much everything. Maybe not everything, but at least a few important things. I laughed the whole time. Until we fell asleep around 3AM.

  I HAVE NEVER BEEN AWAKE UNTIL 3AM. Not in college. Not with Jessie. Not with the flu. I love sleep. But I think I love Ben more.

  And before you challenge me: It’s not too fast. This could all work out in the end. Our children will be very hairy but cute.

  Ava

  P.S. I’m totally fucked, right?

  Re: HOW DID YOU KNOW?

  Gen Goldman

  9/22/19

  to Ava

  Oh sweet baby girl. I wish I was there so I could nuzzle you into a bear hug and then hit your head against the wall.

  YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE. THIS GUY IS NOT SPECIAL. HE IS NOT THE SOLUTION TO ALL OF YOUR PROBLEMS. HE IS ONLY ATTRACTIVE IN A MAINSTREAM WAY.

  I think you already know this, but it sounds like you got played. Hard. You just happened to arrive at his door? He doesn’t want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable? He doesn’t normally do this??? (I don’t know if he actually said that last part, but I’m willing to put someone else’s money on it.)

  He made you make the first move so he would have plausible deniability. He is a master manipulator who abuses his power to bed interns.

  Or he’s actually a really nice guy, and you have a special connection.

  WHO KNOWS!

  P.S. I really don’t think it’s that second option.

  5:24 PM

  But you’ll admit there is a small chance he’s a nice guy and we have a special connection?

  No.

  But you said …

  No I didn’t.

  I have the receipts.

  How do I know they’re not doctored?

  Because I don’t know how to use Photoshop!!!

  Remember my acne-free summer of 2015?

  You should learn how to use Photoshop.

  JUST ANOTHER LINK IN THE CHAIN

  Gen Goldman

  9/23/19

  to Ava

  Here I sit, another beaten-down employee who doesn’t even get dental. (Actually maybe I do. I should really check my health plan.)

  I’ve spent the last few hours learning how to code. And by that I mean, looking for college kids who are willing to code for free. All I need is an intern from a wealthy family and this website will be up and running! Maybe I should follow Ben’s lead and hire someone I can also sleep with! (I think Coralee might be unemployed…)

  I’m so bored, Ava. I actually rearranged my three pieces of furniture last night just to pass the time. Turns out they don’t match regardless of their placement in my cell/home.

  I need a lede. I need a story. I need to have sex.

  Is this what it’s like to be a loser? How did you survive all these years?

  Gen, Official Loser of the Goldman Family (and that’s really saying something because my parents are fucked up)

  Re: JUST ANOTHER LINK IN THE CHAIN

  Ava Helmer

  9/23/19

  to Gen

  Hi! I’m sorry for the late reply! Today was the first show of the season and we all went
out to celebrate afterward! Halona was actually happy for the first time. It felt like a national holiday so I had a whole glass of cider!

  You’re not a loser. You’re a twenty-two-year-old queer feminazi who is living in rural Florida. I would be more concerned if you were having a good time! That place isn’t going to open itself up to you like Emerson and Boston. I think if you want to build a life there, you need to go there and do it. Coralee must have at least one educated friend? (WOW I AM CLASSIST WHEN I’M DRUNK! WHO KNEW?! DON’T SAY YOU!)

  Maybe we should give you some sort of time limit? Like you plan to stick it out for _____ months and if you still hate it and have nothing to do other than feng shui your studio and abuse interns, you’ll leave? That way you’re not just a quitter? I can help you look for other jobs in the meantime??? (I hear Asheville, North Carolina is very woke.)

  My stomach hurts. How do people consume more than one beverage at a time?

  Ben didn’t talk to me at all today, but then he held my hand under the table at the bar. It was exhilarating.

  I did cry at lunch because he wasn’t talking to me. I’m not sure if I’m cut out for this roller coaster of emotions!

  AVA HELMER, FEMME FATALE

  11:48 PM

  I think I’m gonna get a cat.

  Tue, Sep 24, 6:23 AM

  I found a cat.

  7:45 AM

  What is going on???

  Did you steal a cat?

  No!

  I’m going to hunt a cat!

  Trap.

  I’m going to trap a cat.

  What is going on?????

  I’ll tell you later.

  I have to pick up a donut.

  WOMAN’S BEST FRIEND