Please Send Help
Page 6
On it!
SPEAKING OF ACTING …
Gen Goldman
10/1/19
to Ava
Ever heard of “going method?” Because my girl Coralee sure has!
Let me rewind a bit. After work last night, I asked Coralee if she wanted to help me out with an assignment. She never responded. Around 9:30, she showed up at my house. I’m starting to think this girl treats her phone like a pager. It’s adorably infuriating. Luckily I was wearing my best pajamas: tiny shorts with cowboys on them. I have no idea how they came to be in my possession, but they fit great.
I think she was already a bit tipsy so I offered her more wine because that’s what good hosts do. I explained the shelter situation and asked if she would be willing to pose as my girlfriend. Undercover. For the story.
“What’ll I have to do, darling?” she murmured into my ear. (Not really, but she murmurs all the time. It can be hard to hear her.) I explained we would have to hold hands and ask to share a bed. It probably wouldn’t go further than that before they asked us to leave.
She nodded so slowly I thought maybe she’d fallen asleep. But she was wide awake, baby! Her main concern was us not passing for a couple since we’ve never slept together. Apparently, people change once they’ve slept together and everyone can tell. Change how? The way they touch each other. The way they look at each other …
This was one of those moments when I thanked the spirits for not having a penis because I would definitely be the mayor of boner city! Vaginas are so much more discreet.
I couldn’t totally tell if she was telling me this because she wanted to sleep together or this was just some hillbilly mysticism. I didn’t want to press my luck so I suggested a compromise. What if we just kissed, so people could tell we’d at least been physical?
She giggled and acted shocked.
Coralee: “I’ve never kissed a girl before.”
Reporter: “Never?”
Coralee: “Well, never in private.”
And with that, ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between, I was in! WE MADE OUT! For like two hours. (Okay, maybe it was like twenty minutes but it felt like a lifetime.) Her lips are so soft without that awful lip gloss. I asked for her secret. And she told me it was lard. She uses lard. Try not to think about it too much. I’m doing my best not to.
We’re going to go to the shelter tomorrow night after I talk to a few of Lyle’s buddies during the day. I’d say wish me luck, but I think that’s what the lard is for????
G
Re: SPEAKING OF ACTING …
Ava Helmer
10/1/19
to Gen
Couple of very important things:
1) NEVER talk to me about lard. The only way that I am able to make it in this cruel, cruel world is a complete denial of how processed foods are made. I also block out everything regarding dust. Because it is human skin. And I CAN’T know that. What were we talking about? I’ve already forgotten.
2) Am I literally the only person on the planet who can resist your pheromones? I’m obviously obsessed with your mind, but no part of me wants anything to do with your tongue. I’ve seen your toothbrushes. They’re barely used. I just shuddered thinking about your coffee breath …
3) I can’t believe you get to go undercover! That is so fun! Can I buy your life rights for one dollar if this thing really blows up? I’ve never thought of myself as a biopic kind of girl, but last night I stayed up until 12:30 on a weeknight so really anything is possible!
Please keep me updated!! Especially regarding Coralee. As we both know a lot more girls are willing to tongue a mouth than a vagina. And you deserve a tongue in your vagina!
LOVE YOU!
A
3:45 PM
I feel like we are both secret agents.
Tell me more …
You’re going on a spy mission later and I have to pretend not to be in love with my immediate superior.
I don’t know how you do it.
I have a couple hives.
Adds up.
Might just be the cold.
I can’t believe so many people choose to live in the cold.
It’s not always a choice.
EXPOSED
Gen Goldman
10/2/19
to Ava
FERNANDINA BEACH, FLA.—Open All Doors Homeless Shelter has long been hailed as a haven for the county’s growing homeless population. But despite its name, Open All Doors has a closed-door policy against the already disenfranchised LGBTQ community. Cub reporter Genevieve Goldman went undercover to see exactly what happens when you ask for help but don’t fit the “community guidelines.”
Late Tuesday evening, Ms. Goldman arrived at the shelter with a female companion. (Many bystanders reported they looked really good together.) Ms. Goldman approached the front desk and inquired about a bunk for the evening. Sister Thompson, a volunteer, said they had two beds available as long as they had IDs and were willing to hand over all potential weapons. Ms. Goldman thanked the elderly nun and said two beds wouldn’t be necessary. She and her girlfriend could easily sleep in one so as not to take up much-needed resources.
It was at this time that Sister Thompson assessed Ms. Goldman and her curvy companion with new eyes, bristling at the sight before her. Lesbians! Good god! With a new attitude, the nun informed the aforementioned couple that Open All Doors has a strict morality clause for those staying in their shelter. While Jesus forgives us for our sins (thank you, Jesus), the shelter will not support continued homosexuality. If Ms. Goldman and her “friend” want to stay at Open All Doors they must cease physical contact and attend “reparative therapy” before partaking in free services.
Ms. Goldman inquired for further information regarding reparative therapy. Sister Thompson was delighted at her interest and told her Reverend Ford would be holding a session in the common room before dinner if they would like to attend.
And attend they did! For over an hour, Reverend Ford advised the couple to resist the urge of forbidden sex and instead turn those desires into more productive endeavors. Such as gardening. Ms. Goldman took this opportunity to ask, “Why gardening?” The reverend explained that we are all put on this earth to procreate in some way. If it is not by bearing a child, one can “give birth” to other types of life. Also, the shelter has a new garden.
At this moment, Ms. Coralee found herself unable to stifle her laughter and caused a disturbance. The reverend confronted her and instead of cowing to his wishes, she kissed Ms. Goldman right on the mouth and screamed, “Love wins!” Both women were quickly escorted out. Fortunately, Ms. Goldman had been recording the entire exchange.
Love does win.
This has been Genevieve Goldman of The Fernandina Beach Centennial.
Check out our new website coming soon courtesy of unpaid labor.
Re: EXPOSED
Ava Helmer
10/2/19
to Gen
SLOW CLAP! Amazing work. When will you get to write about it? Was Grady impressed? Are you in love with Coralee? Can I get a free subscription to the new website through nepotism?
I, too, have had an exciting twenty-four hours. One of our segment producers has menstrual cramps and the first-aid kit was out of Midol so I got to go to Duane Reade and save the day. I can feel my brain deteriorating. I need to start writing at night. Or on the weekends. I’d ask you to hold me accountable but we both know that’s a waste of time. (Remember when we went on a diet together and you tried to ruin mine so you could eat cheese again?)
What should I write about?!!
A
7:25 PM
Political thriller.
Ooo! About what?
A former soldier who has been brainwashed by the communists gets elected president.
That’s The Manchurian Candidate.
Twist! The president is a woman.
No one will believe that!
/>
You’re right. I’ll keep thinking.
8:47 PM
I think your dad is really funny.
…
Maybe write a movie about him!
What about him?
I CAN’T DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU!
11:29 PM
OK! I got it!
What?
11:58 PM
Fuck. I forgot.
THE DOCTOR WILL SEE ME NOW
Ava Helmer
10/3/19
to Gen
I just got back from seeing my new therapist, Dr. Grimm, Ph.D. Dr. Grimm is surprisingly upbeat! I think it must be her married name. She’s pretty young. Or maybe she just has great skin. I wonder if she worries about losing her good skin. I know I do! It feels like only a matter of time before I wake up and see my mother’s face staring back at me. Maybe it will be nice. I do miss her!
For the first time maybe ever I did a weird thing. I didn’t lie exactly, but I did omit. Pretty much everything about Ben. It’s not like we had time to talk about him (there was a lifetime of mental illness to catch up on) but when she asked if I was seeing anyone I sort of evaded the question? Now I feel guilty. It’s one thing to lie to myself, but I really shouldn’t lie to my therapist!
I’ll just make sure I tell her next week. It’ll be the first thing out of my mouth! Unless it’s really cold again and then I’ll have to ask her to turn up the heat.
DON’T YELL AT ME!!
A
Re: THE DOCTOR WILL SEE ME NOW
Gen Goldman
10/3/19
to Ava
I’m not yelling at you, but don’t you think this is a bad sign? Maybe you know on some level this isn’t a healthy relationship? And that’s coming from me … the queen of unhealthy relationships.
8:13 PM
Ben just cooked me dinner.
Isn’t that the definition of healthy?
Depends on what he made.
It doesn’t matter what he made! He made it for me!
Mac and cheese?
ARE YOU INSIDE HIS APARTMENT?
GREETINGS FROM DOWN UNDER
Gen Goldman
10/5/19
to Ava
Psych! I’m still in Florida. Which technically is down from you if you consider South down. Nothing is technically down when you think about the planet as a rotating globe in the galaxy … But I’m getting ahead of myself! (JK I have nothing else to say about the galaxy … FOR NOW!)
I spent all day yesterday working on my story. Grady even sat with me during the afternoon to make sure it reads well and doesn’t appear too biased. (Since Open All Doors is technically a private organization it doesn’t have to accept LGBTQ patrons. We’re trying to nail them on the false-advertising, conversion-therapy angle.) The first story is going to run Monday and if it gets any traction Grady wants me to do a profile on Lyle Rainbow and one or two of his friends.
Beau is worried we will lose local advertisers but Grady thinks it’s worth it. No one remembers the paper exists so it can’t hurt to stir up a little controversy. Did I tell you I caught Grady reading Dale Carnegie’s book How to Win Friends & Influence People? I think he is really ready to shake things up! I want him to read Lean In but I don’t want to rush his transformation into an actual person.
Coralee kept texting me but I was so busy I couldn’t write back. It wasn’t even intentional but now she’s hooked and wants to hang out later. I’m like the human opposite of conversion therapy.
HOW ARE YOU????
4:35 PM
Excuse my language but FUCK ME IN THE ASS
Okay. Be there in about four hours.
I think Dana knows about me and Ben.
Shit!
So you don’t want me to fuck you in the ass?
Gen! Focus!
Sorry. Sorry.
What happened???
Dana and I were assembling a new coffee table together and he was reading the instructions on my phone when Ben texted me.
BABY GIRL! NEVER LET ANYONE USE YOUR PHONE WHEN YOU’RE HAVING AN ILLICIT AFFAIR!
I’ve never had one before!
I’m a rookie!
What did the text say?
Nothing crazy but it’s weird for our boss to be texting me on the weekend unless …
You’re banging him!
Did Dana confront you about it?
No.
He just said, “Ben texted you.” And handed me back my phone.
Ouch.
That’s ROUGH.
I KNOW!
SEND HELP!
I don’t know any cis straight men! They’re a mystery to me!
Your boss is a CSM. Your dad …
Oh, right.
4:52 PM
I guess you can talk to him about it???
It took you twenty minutes for that???
Men are scary! Aren’t you following the news???
BRB while I go ruin the one true friendship I have in a five-hundred-mile radius.
Oh, do you know someone in North Carolina?
4:59 PM
No response??
I had to google that!
WELL THAT WENT WELL
Ava Helmer
10/5/19
to Gen
NOT!
Per your suggestion, and the suggestion of pretty much every advice column I spent one hour scouring, the best way to communicate with a roommate or friend is DIRECTLY! Who knew! Leaving passive-aggressive notes on the fridge is heavily frowned upon in the mature community.
SO! I took a gulp of orange juice (I’m trying to get off juice but desperate times…) and I knocked on Dana’s closed door. He invited me in and suddenly I was inside the one part of the apartment I rarely frequent because why would I? It smells like a litter box. (And no, we do not have a cat.)
Normally when I knock on Dana’s door, he hops up and we go into the living room, but tonight he stayed put, forcing me to sit on his “vintage” (used) desk chair. I made sure my hair didn’t touch it. The following conversation is based on true events but might not be entirely accurate due to the recounter’s fragile state of mind and recent lack of antioxidants. (Blueberries are fucking expensive!)
Young Woman: Hey.
Young Man: What’s up?
Young Woman: I wanted to talk about earlier.
No response. A clear FUCK YOU.
Young Woman: You’re probably wondering why Ben is texting me on a weekend.
Young Man: Nope.
Young Woman, visibly thrown: You’re not wondering?
Young Man: Nope. I know why he’s texting you. You guys are hooking up.
BEAT
Young Woman: Yeah …
Young Man: I just hope you’re careful. He’s a bit of a sleazeball from what I’ve heard.
Young Woman: What do you mean?
Young Man: Jenna told me he bangs a lot of interns.
Young Woman: Why would Jenna say that?!
Young Man: I don’t know. Because it’s true.
Young Woman: Really? Because he told me he never does this.
Young Man snorts.
Young Man: It’s not my business. Just be careful.… Are you okay?… Hey, don’t cry.… Come on. Maybe it’s just a rumor!
Young Woman: Do you think so?!
Young Man: No.
The rest of the conversation dissolved into snot and whining so I’ll spare you from it. I know Dana wishes he could have been spared from it …
ANYWAY, my life is falling apart and I’m a cliche wrapped inside a stereotype.
Ava
Re: WELL THAT WENT WELL
Gen Goldman
10/6/19
to Ava
Regarding Ben’s philandering and classic male sense of entitlement: fuck that guy. I hate him and he never deserved you!
Also, who is Jenna? That married lesbian Dana has a crush on? If
so, married lesbians are the best sources regarding straight douchebags since they have no skin in the game. We should trust her with our lives.
I’m sorry, boo. But it’s good to know the truth now and not in five months when you’ve put a deposit down on a wedding venue. (Five months was not a typo. I know how your brain works.)
What are you going to do? Confront him? Ghost him? Hit him? Hire someone else to hit him?
I support all four options, but think the last one makes the most sense.
I’m here if you need me! No plans for the day other than trapping and seducing a feral cat! Ah! Youth!
Gen
11:37 AM
The one good thing about having my heart ripped out of my chest is free muffins.
Dana bought me a muffin.
What kind?
Some sort of bran.
Gross.
I mean … GREAT!
Good for fiber!
How are you doing?
Bad.
He keeps texting me.
Are you replying?
Yes …
AVA!
GEN!
I don’t know how I want to play this yet. So I’m pretending everything is okay.
Although I’m using wayyyyy less exclamation points than usual.
So just the regular amount?
Maybe you should make out with Dana just for fun.
Yeah right. I’m completely straight. And we both know he only likes lesbians.
My kinda guy.
TARGET APPREHENDED
Gen Goldman
10/6/19
to Ava
I am now the proud owner of a feral animal. That’s right, Tabby is in my apartment as we speak, clawing at my bathroom door, trying to escape. Just how I like my guests!
How did I catch her, you ask? Good old-fashioned bribery. I went and bought a large filet of salmon and put it right inside my door. Then I went and hid so she wouldn’t see me. About twenty minutes into crouching, Tabby finally gave in to her gluttony and came inside. I jumped up and shut the door. She did NOT like that but I have put vodka on all of my scratches so I’m sure I’m fine. (Why would anyone buy Neosporin when they can just use vodka? Should I start a lifestyle blog?)