The Brightest of Dreams

by Susan Anne Mason

  Her hand fluttered to her throat. She looked up, and when she met his soft gaze, she couldn’t find the strength to turn down everything he offered.

  But she needed to be sure she was doing the right thing. She gave him an apologetic look. “I need more time to make such a decision. Can I give you my answer tomorrow?”

  He tried and failed to mask the hurt that crept into his eyes. But he managed a slight smile. “Of course. Until tomorrow, then.”

  CHAPTER 25

  After a sleepless night of wrestling with Quinn’s proposal and the fear of Dr. Hawkins returning for her, Julia took advantage of her day off to make an appointment with Rev. Burke. Though the thought of baring her soul and exposing the very personal details of her pregnancy to the upright man made her cringe, she found she craved an unbiased opinion of her situation. She hoped Rev. Burke could help her sort through her conflicting emotions about Quinn and what a marriage in name only would mean, legally and morally.

  As she knocked on the rector’s office door, Julia’s heart beat too fast in her chest. She wet her dry lips and tucked several strands of hair into place while she waited.

  “Julia, my dear, please come in.” The minister’s gaze strayed to her expanding midsection for a brief second, but then he stood up and smiled. “It’s lovely to see you again.”

  “Thank you for making time for me, Reverend. I wouldn’t have pressed, but I have an important decision to make, and I need your advice in order to do so.”

  “Well now, I’m honored you think so highly of my opinion. I’ll certainly do my best.”

  Julia sat on one of the guest chairs, while Rev. Burke resumed his seat behind the desk.

  The lingering smell of tobacco hung in the air, bringing a measure of comfort to Julia. It reminded her of her father sitting in his armchair on a Sunday afternoon, smoking his favorite pipe. What would he advise her to do now if he were here?

  A beam of sunlight filtered through the window and danced across the wooden desk’s surface, where a ledger sat open.

  “Just balancing the church’s accounts.” Rev. Burke closed the book with a chuckle. “Now, how can I help you today?”

  The simple question brought a lump to her throat. She twisted her hands together on her lap. “I have a story to tell you. Which leads up to the difficult decision I have to make.”

  “Go ahead. I’m a good listener.” His gentle invitation went a long way to ease Julia’s nerves.

  She took a deep breath and then briefly relayed the story of Sam’s death and Dr. Hawkins’s betrayal. Other than a flicker of his eyelids once or twice, the minister showed no emotion. Until she told him that she was expecting a child. Then his face filled with sympathy.

  “I’m terribly sorry, my dear. That is a heavy burden to bear.”

  Her throat tightened. “Thank you for saying that. I’ve been feeling so guilty about the whole situation. Guilty that I didn’t try harder to stop him.” She opened her bag to retrieve her handkerchief.

  “I believe the medication and alcohol may have had something to do with that.” Rev. Burke folded his hands on his desktop. “The man not only violated your trust, he violated the oath he took as a physician. You are not to blame for his vile actions.”

  Julia sat in silence, pressure mounting in her chest. Quinn had said something similar, yet shame continued to eat at her. “Why can’t I stop feeling responsible, then?” she whispered. “Not only about this, but about Sam too.” She sighed. “After he died, I was devastated. I felt I should have paid closer attention. Should have noticed his mood had slipped.” She shook her head. “In the days that followed his death, I truly didn’t care if I lived or died. Maybe I felt I deserved what happened to me.” She dabbed the handkerchief to her eyes.

  Rev. Burke came around the desk and pulled up a chair beside her. “My dear girl, I have dealt with many suicides over the course of my career, and in every case, someone feels exactly as you do. That it was their fault their loved one died. That it had been their responsibility to prevent it. The reality is that if someone really wishes to harm themselves, only God himself can prevent it.”

  Emotion welled up inside her until a flood of tears let loose. She held the hanky to her mouth to stifle her sobs. Why had all these bad things happened to her? What had she done to deserve such tragedy in her life?

  Rev. Burke remained silent, patting Julia’s back until her weeping turned to sniffles. Then he exhaled softly. “Have you brought your situation to the Lord, Julia? Have you asked Him to release you from your guilt?”

  She shook her head. “I didn’t feel worthy to even ask.”

  And therein lay the heart of her problems. She didn’t feel worthy to ask anything of God, didn’t feel worthy of Quinn’s love or his protection, and she certainly didn’t feel worthy to be this child’s mother. She had disgraced her family and herself.

  Rev. Burke gave her a long look. “Everyone is worthy of forgiveness, Julia. No matter how great or how small the sin. As long as you repent with a clean heart and try your best to live a better life.”

  “I do repent, Reverend. I want to live my life in accordance with God’s will. I want to give my child a good life. Be a good mother.” Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks.

  “And so you shall. I’m certain of it.” He patted her arm. “Why don’t we pray together?”

  She wiped her face and nodded. “I’d like that,” she whispered.

  He bowed his head. “Lord Jesus, we come before you with humble and contrite hearts, knowing we are sinners, asking for your help to live a life that is pleasing to you in keeping with your commandments. Give us the grace and strength to do so.” He opened one eye. “Julia, would you care to add your own words here?”

  “All right.” Julia clasped her hands together and bowed her head, allowing her heart to open and the words to flow. “Lord, I ask your forgiveness for my many mistakes. First, for hurting my uncle by the callous way I left home. For failing Sam in his time of need. And for the part I played in my pregnancy, unwitting though it may have been. I also ask for your help to forgive the man who betrayed me.” She paused to take a breath. “And I thank you, Lord, for this precious life within me. No matter how this child was conceived, no matter the problems involved, I believe this baby is a gift.” Tears trembled in her voice. “Help me to be a good mother and to do what’s right for everyone involved. Amen.”

  “Amen.” Rev. Burke cleared his throat and glanced over at her. “That was beautiful, Julia. I believe you spoke from the heart, and as such God has forgiven your sins. And I trust the Lord will help you make your decision.”

  A tremor ran through her body, and as it faded, a sense of peace descended. She clutched the minister’s hand, more tears welling, this time tears of gratitude. “Thank you so much, Reverend Burke. This is just what I needed.”

  “I’m so glad I could help.” He tilted his head to study her, his gray hair falling over his forehead. “Tell me, is this decision about whether or not to keep the child?”

  She wiped away the last of her tears. “Oh no. That one was easy. I couldn’t bear to give up my baby.” A breath shuddered through her. “But now that Dr. Hawkins has become aware of my condition, I fear he won’t stop until he gets custody.” She bit her bottom lip and quickly relayed Quinn’s offer of protection, a marriage in name only.

  When she finished, the minister sat back, stroking his chin. “That’s quite a noble gesture on his part. How do you feel about it?”

  How indeed? If she could figure that out, she might know what to tell Quinn.

  “I’m honored and grateful that he would consider doing this, since it might be the only way to keep my baby safe. But on the other hand, I feel terrible, burdening Quinn with my problems.” She inhaled and released a slow breath. “If I do decide to marry him, I would want a civil ceremony and treat it like a business contract. One that could be dissolved after the baby is born—if that’s what we decide is best.”

  One of the minist
er’s brows rose.

  Her stomach dropped. “Have I shocked you?” she asked. The last thing she wanted was to offend the kind man.

  He shook his head, chuckling. “It would take a lot more than that to shock me, my dear. This wouldn’t be the first marriage undertaken for a similar reason. You seem to be looking at the situation in a logical manner. However, what if one of you wants to continue the marriage and one doesn’t?”

  Her pulse fluttered at the idea of Quinn becoming her husband in every sense of the word—an idea almost too scary to entertain. “I’m certain Quinn would respect whatever I decide.” She glanced over at the minister. “Do you think it would be terribly selfish of me to marry Quinn?”

  Rev. Burke pursed his lips. “He wouldn’t have made the offer if he hadn’t meant it. And wanting to protect your baby isn’t selfish. It’s a mother’s prerogative.” He smiled. “As long as both of you are honest about your expectations of the arrangement, I think it should be fine.”

  The tension in her neck suddenly eased. If this godly man didn’t see this union as an abomination, then perhaps she could accept Quinn’s proposal after all. Perhaps this was God’s way of telling her it was all right. She grasped the minister’s hand and squeezed. “Thank you, Reverend Burke. I think I know what to do now.”

  Quinn waited in Mrs. Middleton’s parlor for Julia to appear, trepidation making him jumpy. After almost twenty-four hours of uncertainty, she’d left word that she wanted to see him. Would she consent to marry him and let him protect her and the child? Or had his declaration of love frightened her off?

  Quinn paced the room, hating feeling so nervous. His palms were sweaty, and his collar felt two sizes too tight.

  Footsteps alerted him to Julia’s arrival. His gaze snapped to the door.

  Dressed in a high-necked blouse and loose-fitting apron over her skirt, she entered the room, head held high. Her brown eyes were large and serious. Yet she wore a hint of vulnerability that made the need to protect her roar in his ears.

  With extreme effort, he reined in his impatience, vowing to give her time to inform him of her decision. “Hello, Julia.”

  “Quinn, thank you for coming. I wasn’t sure you’d get my message.”

  “I did. But even if you hadn’t called, I planned on coming by this evening anyway.”

  She ran a hand down the side of her skirt. “Shall we sit down?”

  “Of course.” He followed her to the sofa. “I presume this means you’ve made your decision?”

  “I have.” She folded her hands in her lap. After several seconds, she lifted her eyes to his. “I have decided to accept your offer, but I wish to clarify the terms.”

  His joy was immediately squashed. She sounded like a solicitor proposing a business investment. “What terms are those?”

  One fair brow rose. “I think we need to define what a marriage ‘in name only’ constitutes. And stipulate what happens if one of us wishes to end our arrangement.”

  “I see.” Quinn did his best to hide the disappointment rushing through him. He’d hoped for a bit friendlier union, nothing so clinical, but in the end if he could protect her, he’d take his chances and pray for the Lord to guide their way. “I suppose we could write up an agreement.”

  She blinked. “I didn’t mean anything that formal. I just . . .”

  “A verbal agreement, then?”

  The lines in her forehead eased. “That will do. I know you’re a man of your word and that you’ll stand by what you say.”

  “Thank you for that.” He studied her face, the way she bit her lip giving evidence of her nerves. In fact, she looked more than nervous. Terrified would better describe it. That sudden realization instantly calmed his own anxiety. He needed to let her set the terms that would make the situation easier for her. “Why don’t you begin?” he said. “How would you like our—” he hesitated—“partnership to look?”

  “Well, first of all, I would want a civil marriage performed by a magistrate. It seems more in keeping with what we are doing.”

  Objections lodged in his throat. He’d always envisioned being married in the church, with a minister as officiant. However, he could be flexible. “Go on.”

  “Obviously, we would keep separate rooms.” A blush spread over her cheeks and up to the tips of her ears. “Then, once the baby arrives and you are named the father, we will revisit our arrangement to determine whether or not we wish to continue.”

  Despite his best efforts, Quinn couldn’t hide his frown. This was sounding worse by the moment.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “It all seems so impersonal. Not at all roman—” He bit his lip, instantly realizing his error.

  “Romantic? That is exactly what I don’t want.” Her brow furrowed. “This will be a business arrangement. A contract between two parties.”

  “What if I want to keep my commitment and be a true father to the child?”

  She looked around in confusion, a hint of panic on her face. “I hadn’t considered that. I assumed we’d end the marriage and continue with our own separate lives.” Her forehead crinkled, and she twisted her hands together.

  He reached over to cover one of her hands with his. “You see my point. Every contingency can’t be planned in advance. You need to trust, Julia. Trust God to walk this journey with us. And to show us the right path to take.”

  “I’m trying, but it’s hard.”

  “Then trust me when I say that I will always honor your decision. If you decide to end our agreement, I will abide by your wishes.” He tipped her chin up to make sure she was looking at him. “I will never go back on the vows I make to you. It will be up to you to make the move to end our marriage.”

  Her bottom lip quivered, but she gave an almost imperceptible nod.

  “Then, Miss Holloway, I will ask again. Will you marry me and allow me to protect you and your child?”

  Moisture rimmed her eyes, but her gaze did not falter. “Yes, Quinn,” she whispered. “I will marry you.”

  Relief and something warm spread through his chest. He raised her hand to his lips. “Thank you. I will see to the arrangements and let you know what is required.”

  Nodding, she gave him a trembling smile.

  Not exactly the romantic betrothal he’d envisioned, but it would have to do for now.

  Thankfully, he was a patient man.

  CHAPTER 26

  Julia’s knees shook as she followed Quinn into the courthouse three days later. These were no ordinary wedding jitters that had beset her. These nerves took jitters to a whole new level. Was she really about to marry Quinn?

  Inside the main door, she paused. Despite the intense July heat, she wore a heavy woolen shawl over her dress to conceal her expanding belly from anyone who might see them. The stuffy air inside the building offered no relief from the warm temperatures, and since she could see no windows save an enormous stained-glass one above a split staircase, she doubted the air would be any cooler inside.

  Standing in the main hall, she removed the shawl and folded it on her arm in front of her.

  Quinn turned and stared, scanning the length of her satin ivory dress. “You look beautiful, Julia.”

  Heat rushed into her cheeks. “Mrs. Middleton gave me this gown and altered it to fit.” Her gaze slid to the ground. How could he not be mortified to be marrying an obviously pregnant woman? Though perhaps she was being overly sensitive, because the design of the dress did manage to disguise her condition to a great degree.

  Julia had been surprised at Mrs. Middleton’s offer, since she had been a bit taken aback by Julia’s sudden wedding. However, she’d been relieved to find out that Julia intended to stay on in her employ for the foreseeable future while Quinn traveled to England and, of course, that such a marriage would offer Julia protection. And when Julia mentioned she had nothing to wear for the ceremony, the gruff woman insisted on giving Julia one of her gowns. Thanks to the woman’s skill with a needle, Mrs. Middleton was able to alte
r the garment to fit Julia’s ever-increasing middle and still allow her to breathe comfortably.

  In the days leading up to the ceremony, Julia had been plagued with doubt and almost changed her mind several times. What if Quinn became too attached to her during this mock marriage? What if she became accustomed to having a husband and Quinn decided it had all been a colossal mistake? There were so many ways this could lead to disaster. Yet each time, with no other alternative in sight, she’d resigned herself to going through with their plan.

  As though sensing her disquiet, Quinn gave her an encouraging smile and wrapped her hand through his arm. She wished she could be as poised as he appeared to be.

  They made their way down several hallways to Courtroom B, where a justice of the peace would marry them.

  Quinn paused outside the door. “Please try to relax, Julia. Even if the circumstances aren’t perfect, I’d like you to have some fond memories of our wedding day.” He bent and pressed a soft kiss to her cheek.

  Instead of easing her nerves, her stomach knotted. She certainly didn’t deserve a man as fine as Quinn or the sacrifice he was making. Her hand fluttered over her belly. But then again, maybe this little one did.

  Lord, I know I don’t deserve your favor, but please help me get through this. And if this is not the right thing for Quinn, please give me a sign and I’ll release him from his promise.

  They entered the courtroom and waited for the official to call their names. When he did, they both moved toward the large desk at the front of the room.

  A robed magistrate appeared and came to greet them. Quinn stepped forward and gave him their marriage license. Quinn had been concerned that since they weren’t Canadian, they might not qualify for a license, but he’d been relieved to learn they did.

  The man scanned the document, then smiled at them. “Welcome. If you’re ready, let’s begin. Do you have any witnesses?”

  “No, sir,” Quinn said. “We hoped you might have someone that could fulfill that duty.”