His Two Leading Men

by Aidan Wayne

  Moments later he got an Okay :( feel better.

  If Linda was worried, Russell was probably no better. Maybe worse. Skye couldn’t stand the thought that he might’ve made Russell feel bad. Especially when he’d done absolutely nothing but be supportive and kind. Russell was one of the nicest guys Skye had ever met. He was always there offering help and support, and he never complained or got upset, even when someone did or said something really stupid. He just took his time and sorted everything out, the breath of calm air that Skye usually needed and–

  It hit him like a suckerpunch. Just how much he liked Russell. Feeling warm and happy when he was given Russell’s smiles and attention. How lucky he felt that Russell cared about him and treated him nicely, like he was someone important. How Russell always made him feel good.

  He liked Russell.

  And he’d been about to go on a date with Brent. Fuck.

  But even with realizing that Russell was… amazing, really, smart and sweet and fun and how did Skye miss that–

  He still sort of wanted to go on that date with Brent.

  Brent had invited them both out to dinner. Obviously he hadn’t meant it like that but...

  What was this? Why was he feeling–feelings? For both of them. At the same time. What was wrong with him?

  Fuck, he was so messed up. Who the hell had crushes on two real-life people at the same time? He’d only gone on two dates with Brent and he wasn’t even in a relationship with Russell but it still felt like he was cheating. Realizing how much he liked Russell… Skye couldn’t date Brent. He couldn’t. That wasn’t fair to Brent.

  But Skye also couldn’t let Russell know just how much he liked him–that risked their friendship and working relationship. Skye was a mess. Russell was always there for him but there was no way he was interested in anything more.

  Skye tried to regulate his breathing and settle on a plan of action. He’d apologize to Russell for being weird, absolutely not tell Russell anything else about what Skye had just realized, let Brent know that he was sorry but the answer was no, and move on with his life. That was all he could do, if he didn’t want to hurt Brent or alienate Russell.

  It was with shaking hands that he thumbed open his phone again and called Russell’s number, and waiting for the phone to ring twisted him up into new knots.

  “Skye! Skye, where are you? Are you okay?”

  “Y-yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I’m at home. I’m sorry.”

  “Shit, no, don’t be sorry. What happened?”

  “I…” Skye clenched a hand on his thigh and squeezed his eyes shut. “I…”

  “Skye,” Russell said softly, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I’m worried about you. So was Brent.”

  “He–he’s still there?”

  “No, he left. He did ask me to let him know you were alright though, once I found out. He was worried it was something he did.”

  “I’m sorry,” Skye whispered.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. And if he bothers you, I’ll tell him to stay away. He’s a good guy. He would.”

  Skye wasn’t surprised to hear that. It only made his stomach ache worse. How had he let himself–what? Lead Brent on? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  “Skye? Skye, are you there?”

  “Yeah,” he said dully. “I’m here.”

  “Skye, what do you need?”

  Skye curled into a miserable ball. He knew that he should be trying to keep some distance from Russell now so he didn’t reveal his feelings, but he also desperately didn’t want to be alone.

  God, he was such a mess. “Could… could you come by?”

  ***

  Skye was up and letting Russell in as soon as he knocked, and then went back to sit on the edge of his bed, hands clasped, eyes fixed to the floor.

  “Hey,” Russell said, coming to sit down next to him after he’d stepped out of his shoes and left them by the door.

  “Thanks for coming,” Skye mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m just glad you’re okay.” Russell leaned back on his hands. “Did you want to talk about it?”

  Russell asked that a lot. And was perfectly willing to just sit in supportive silence when Skye didn’t want to or couldn’t talk about things. Skye bit his lip. He could do this. He owed Russell an explanation and a real apology.

  He could do this.

  “I didn’t mean to freak out, back there,” he said. “It wasn’t something you or Brent did. It wasn’t.”

  Russell nodded. “Okay.”

  “But I guess–I guess finding out that you knew each other… it just took me by surprise. I guess I just... I just...”

  “Needed some distance?” Russell tried.

  Skye stared at the floor. “I’m really sorry. I don’t know why I’m like this.”

  Russell set a hand on his back. “It’s okay that you are, you know. Everyone’s got something. Hell, I’ve been in show business a long time. You think I haven’t seen a variety of quirks? Everyone’s got something. It’s like how Iris needs to count her steps before a show, or Yael needs to drink her lemon water tea.”

  “Mine’s more than just routine show stuff though.”

  “I mean yeah, it is. Anxiety is a big part of your life. But that’s nothing you need to apologize for. It’s just part of you.”

  Skye swallowed and didn’t say anything.

  “So what can we do?” Russell asked. “To make things easier on you. I don’t want to trip up your anxiety and neither does Brent. So just tell us what you need. Do you need him to back off? Or do you want to see me a little less? Would that help?”

  “Wha–no! No, of course not. Russell, seeing you all the time is part of what keeps me on track. Especially before a show. Not-not that it’s the only reason why I want to spend time with you, because it isn’t, it isn’t, I promise, I just–”

  “Easy, easy. It’s okay.” Russell smiled. “I get it. I’ll keep hanging around then. What about Brent?”

  Skye couldn’t date him. Not with how he felt about Russell. It wasn’t fair. Even if–even if Brent felt so right–

  That was just Skye being a fucking idiot who couldn’t make up his mind.

  “Skye?” Russell prompted, after a minute of silence.

  “I don’t know,” he burst out, before he cringed. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, please, I don’t–I don’t–I’m sorry–”

  “Skye, can I touch you?”

  Skye snapped his mouth shut and nodded.

  Russell moved slowly, pulling him into a hug. Skye let his eyes close, hugging back. “I wish I could just make a stupid decision,” Skye whispered.

  Russell shifted just enough that they could look at each other. Close enough to kiss, and Skye hated his brain for thinking about that. “Do you want an opinion?” he asked.

  Skye swallowed. “Yes. Yeah. Please.”

  “I think it’s after midnight, you just had an incredibly stressful few days followed by a full show, you haven’t eaten, and you’re exhausted. It’s not the best time for you to be making decisions anyway. Sleep on it? And you can reevaluate in the morning.”

  Right. Yeah. That seemed smart. “Count on you to always know what to do.” He tried to make it sound lighthearted, but it came out more drained.

  Russell shrugged one shoulder. “I try. Did you want me to try to rustle up something for you to eat?”

  Skye shook his head. Now that Russell had mentioned it, he was definitely feeling worn out. He probably could stand to eat, but he’d make do with sleeping and then getting something in the morning. “I think it’ll be better for everyone involved if I just pass out.”

  Russell chuckled, low and soothing. “Suit yourself. Did you want me to stay until you fell asleep?”

  And it was things like that. Working on a stage show like Child’s Play, the cast and crew were always in each others’ pockets. They were a tightly-knit group and incredibly tactile. And Russell in particular always just seemed to get Skye. What he
needed. He’d spent the night before, or stayed with Skye through the aftermath of a panic, and the offer was always so incredibly appreciated, in part because Skye would never be able to build himself up enough to ask.

  It felt different now, though. Now that Skye realized just how much he liked Russell–now it felt different.

  But he was going to take it anyway.

  “Thanks,” he said quietly. “I’d really appreciate that.”

  ***

  Skye woke up in increments. He rolled over and opened his eyes and ended up almost nose to nose with Russell, who was sound asleep next to him.

  Skye could have kicked himself. Russell had been so tired last night, and he’d come over to help deal with Skye anyway. He swallowed, trying to decide whether or not he should wake Russell up or just let him sleep until he woke up on his own.

  Maybe Skye could let him sleep and go out and get breakfast for them. A thank you for–for Russell putting up with him. Not that breakfast would be close to enough for all that Russell did for Skye, but it was at least something Skye could offer.

  Decision made, Skye moved to quietly extricate himself from the bed when Russell made a noise and shifted closer, opening his eyes.

  Skye tried to smile. “M-morning.”

  “Skye,” Russell breathed, a smile playing across his face. He leaned forward, eyes half-lidded, and kissed the corner of Skye’s mouth.

  Skye’s eyes widened and he flailed backwards on the bed. He–Russell just–no, Russell had been dreaming he couldn’t have–but he’d said Skye’s name–

  “Oh my fucking god.” Russell sounded horrified. He was kneeling up at the edge of the bed and now, at least, seemed completely wide awake. “I am so sorry. Skye, I’m so sorry.”

  Skye stared at him. “What?”

  Russell reached out a hand and then snatched it back. “I’m sorry,” he said again.

  “What are you sorry for?”

  Russell bit his lip.

  Skye slowly sat up. “Did… did you mean it?”

  Russell let out a breath and stared at the sheets. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “Yeah, I did.” Then he looked up, “But I promise I don’t–I wouldn’t–I know you were all set to go out with Brent yesterday, I’d never try to stand in the way of that. Of you being happy.”

  “You make me happy,” Skye said dumbly.

  Russell smiled. It looked pained. “Thanks,” he said. “That means a lot.”

  Skye did not like that smile on Russell’s face. “No,” he said, moving forward. “That’s not–you make me happy. And I’m an idiot and it took me this long to notice but I–I really like you. You’re nice, and smart, and pretty much amazing, and you put up with me and don’t make–” he swallowed again, “–don’t make me feel like I’m stupid because I have anxiety, or that I have problems choosing things.” Skye lowered his gaze to the rumpled bedspread. “I know I’m not the quickest on the uptake. I’m sorry it took me so long.”

  “Hey,” Russell said, taking his hand, “You’re great the way you are. I said it before, remember? Nice, smart, cute, ridiculously talented, fantastic dancer… and I meant that all too. In–in more ways than one.”

  Skye took a shaky breath. “I’m sorry I don’t even… this is a lot.”

  “I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean to spring this on you. And I–I know you were having a good time with Brent. Like I said, I don’t want to get in the way of that.” Russell smiled that same pained smile. “I can keep a lid on my feelings. I’ve done it this long.”

  Right. Brent who–who Skye liked a lot. It was newer, but Skye was comfortable with him in the same way he was comfortable with Russell. Being with Brent didn’t trigger his anxiety–Brent made him calm down. Skye squeezed his eyes shut. Fuck, they were both so amazing and here he was… what? Doing the same stupid thing he always did of not being able to choose.

  Except this wasn’t what food to eat, or what movie to watch, this was about people. Real people, and he liked both of them so much and didn’t want to hurt either of them and–

  And and and

  “Skye?” Russell asked carefully, as Skye’s breath started to come in gasps, “Skye!”

  “I’m sorry,” Skye forced out over and over, “I’m so sorry, I can’t–I’m sorry,” he was hyperventilating now, seeing spots on the edge of his vision as he tried to suck in air. “I–I–”

  “Skye,” Russell said, eyes wide with worry, “Skye, try to calm down. No one is making you choose. I sure as hell won’t, and I know I can speak for Brent. We just want you happy. Okay? Just breathe. Don’t think about a decision now.”

  Skye pushed his hands into his eyes as he struggled to calm down. This was what, his second panic attack in two weeks? Fuck.

  Normally he hated being touched when he was like this, but right now he needed–he blindly reached forward and Russell seemed to understand, because he put his arms around Skye and pulled him in close, the surrounding touch a comfort and calm like it always was. Skye clung on and tried to breathe like Russell kept asking him to. When he could finally speak again, it was just to whisper out another, “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Skye. It’s okay.”

  Skye shook his head. “It’s really not. You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve me–not being able to make a decision and then freaking out. God, I don’t even know why you like me, I’m such a mess. I’m so sorry.” He bit down a sob. “I wish I could just say that I want to be with you. I’m so sorry. I like you so much.”

  “But you like Brent too,” Russell said quietly. “Yeah. I know.”

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m sorry.”

  “Nothing’s wrong with you,” Russell said. “Liking more than one person at a time isn’t wrong. Okay, a little unorthodox maybe, but there is absolutely no reason why it should make you miserable.”

  Skye stared at his sheets and didn’t say anything.

  “Look,” Russel tried, “Maybe we could call Brent and talk this out. Get it off your mind.”

  Like that would help him make a decision. But Russell was suggesting it. “Yeah,” Skye mumbled. “Yeah, okay.”

  “But breakfast and stuff first, okay? You skipped dinner yesterday.”

  Skye wasn’t feeling all that hungry, but again, Russell was bringing it up. “Okay, yeah. Sure. I’ll, I’ll go–”

  “I’ll grab something,” Russell said easily. “Muffins sound good?”

  They did. And Skye didn’t feel like arguing over who went to get them. “Let me give you some money,” he said, crawling off his bed to reach for his bag.

  “Aw, it’s fine, I can–”

  “Russell. Please let me pay.”

  Russell nodded. “Okay. I’ll just wash up really quick. Be right back.” He got off the bed and went into Skye’s bathroom. Skye got out of bed himself and went about folding it away, trying to straighten things up. By the time he heard the toilet flush, his living space was back to “morning ready.”

  “Be right back,” Russell said with a smile, before he left out Skye’s front door, Skye’s key safely in his pocket.

  Skye watched him go and tried to rationalize away the urge he’d had to kiss Russell goodbye.

  ***

  With Russell gone, Skye had to distract himself, so he did what he did every morning and put on music to do his warmup and stretches for the day.

  It only seemed like a few minutes later that his door was opening again and Russell was coming in carrying a couple of bags and a drink holder.

  “Got you a latte,” he said, smiling and setting it all down on Skye’s little fold-down table. “And a couple muffins.”

  “Thank you.” Skye came over and unstacked two of his chairs so he and Russell were sitting across from each other, breakfast spread out between them. “Let me guess,” he said, trying for light. “Black coffee and a banana nut muffin?”

  Russell grinned. “You know me so well.”

  Yeah. Skye did.

  �
��Hey, hey,” Russell said in response to whatever facial expression Skye was making. “Breakfast first, and then we can brainstorm. Okay?”

  “Right. Right, okay.”

  They ate in silence; Skye ended up surprising himself with how hungry he really was, and he demolished his latte and blueberry muffins. He was glad Russell had thought to get him two. Once they were done and Skye had cleaned everything up, Russell blew out a breath and leaned on the table.

  “Okay,” he said. “About all… this.”

  “Yeah?” Skye asked nervously.

  “You still want an opinion?”

  “Please.”

  “Like I said before, I think we should meet up with Brent and talk this out, all three of us.”

  Skye sighed but nodded. “I… I kind of figured you’d say that.”

  “What do you think?”

  “I think it’ll be really hard, but that it’s a good idea.” And then you both can see what a mess I am.

  And you’ll both leave me.

  Chapter 7

  Brent was free to come over. Skye was surprised when Russell told him, but Russell just shrugged. “He wants to spend time with you. That means he’ll make time for you.”

  Which didn’t help Skye’s nerves, or how awful that made him feel, that Brent was willing to do that for him.

  “Come on,” Russell said, leading Skye to the couch. “You want to watch something while we wait?” Take your mind off things, he didn’t say, but it was clear.

  “You pick,” Skye said immediately, before he clapped a hand over his mouth. “Sorry! Sorry, I-I can pick something.”

  “It’s okay,” Russell said gently. “Want to watch The Great British Baking Show?” He knew Skye found it calming.

  “That sounds good,” Skye said, trying to smile.

  They were about halfway into an episode when there was a knock on the door. Skye jumped guiltily before he got off the couch and went to open it.

  And there was Brent, looking devastatingly handsome in a plain button down, sleeves rolled up, and black jeans. Skye wanted to kiss him. And Russell, who was right behind him.