Brighter Shades of Light

by Jaclyn Osborn

  There were times when it was easy to forget how different Tristen and I were. He came from an upper-middleclass family. His older brother had just finished medical school and planned to become a surgeon. His dad was the prosecuting attorney for the city, and his mom owned a small house-designing business. They’d bought him the Mustang as a high school graduation present.

  My truck was a hand-me-down from my dad, and it’d belonged to my grandpa before that.

  But I knew I was fortunate to be where I was.

  “Go to college and make something of yourself, boy,” Dad told me before coughing and knocking his glass of water off the side table in search of his oxygen.

  I had grabbed the oxygen and placed it around his head, making sure it was in place before sitting back in the chair that I’d pulled as close as possible to the hospital bed. He hated the mask and had taken it off a lot, saying it bothered his nose. But in his final days, he had stopped complaining about it.

  “That recruiting officer was impressed by your interview?” he asked, moving his gray eyes to me. He looked tired. So tired.

  “Yes, sir,” I said. “He said I seemed to be a well-rounded young man who was personable and hardworking. He also said I was a fast runner and didn’t seem to tire easily.”

  “Athleticism is important.” Dad coughed again. “Those Marine guys don’t want you to just be smart or strong. You have to be all that, plus have character. Show commitment.” He had reached with a shaking hand to touch my chest. “And have a good heart.”

  I blinked back tears as the car window came back into focus.

  My dad had been a hardworking man who’d never let our financial situation get the best of him. A smile had always been on his face, even when we were struggling. Even when he was fading away.

  Losing him at seventeen, at a time when I was about to embark on a new part of my life and needed him most, had almost broken me. But he would’ve never wanted me to give up. So, I’d become even more determined. Stronger. Focused more on my studies.

  “It’s busy tonight,” Tristen said, as he searched for a place to park.

  Bars lined the street on both sides, lit up like beacons for the lonely-hearted. He found a spot farther down the road and parked. Out of the car, we advanced toward Tonic a few buildings down from us.

  The end-of-summer weather felt great, even holding a little bit of a chill. Fall was just a few weeks away, and I was ready for the cool nights, crisp air, and changing leaves. A lot of people said spring or winter was their favorite time of year, but fall was mine. Maybe it was nostalgia. Dad had always gone all out for Halloween, finding pumpkins for us to carve and decorating the house. Even without much money, he made it special.

  “You’re quiet all of a sudden.” Tristen cast a worried look my way.

  “Sorry. Just in my head for some reason. I promise not to be a buzzkill tonight.”

  “Ah, I don’t give a fuck about that.” He shook his head and faced forward. “I just want you to be okay.”

  “I am.”

  People of all ages passed us; frat boys I recognized from campus holding red plastic cups, older men wearing matching biker vests, girls in short skirts and shoes with heels so thin I wondered how they didn’t snap off.

  “Damn. They beat us,” I said.

  Marcus, Keith, and Rachel stood outside the entrance to the bar, laughing at something Marcus said. He was the goof of the bunch, although he’d disagree and say it was me. I had my funny moments, but he was downright hysterical. Quick witted and clever as fuck.

  “About time you losers got here,” Marcus said, flashing a smile. He was the tallest of us, standing at six-foot-three.

  Keith was only five-ten, and Marcus thought it was funny to use him as an armrest. The rest of us thought it was funny, too. Keith? Not so much.

  “It was my fault.” I gave Rachel a hug before bumping fists with Keith and giving Marcus a handshake. “Blue wouldn’t start.”

  “Blue needs to be put out of his misery,” Keith said. “It’s a miracle that truck even has days where it does start.”

  We went inside and grabbed our usual table in the middle of the room. It had the best view of the TV above the bar, and Marcus was a huge sports fan. Football, basketball, baseball; it didn’t matter. If it was on, the guy was glued to the screen.

  I wasn’t much of a drinker. A drink or two was enough and then I was done. The exception was my twenty-first birthday last November. Tristen had drug me to a club and bought me shot after shot, getting me so wasted I vowed to never get drunk again.

  Rachel slipped her arm through mine and brought me with her to the bar. She ordered a long island iced tea for me and a vodka cranberry for her. The bartender looked at her before zeroing in on our joined arms and shaking his head.

  The first few times we had gone to Tonic, when that bartender had been working, he’d hit on Rachel and made her extremely uncomfortable. Ever since then, me and the guys had made a promise that she’d never go anywhere alone when we were all out together. Sometimes she hung all over Marcus. Other times it was me. Tristen and I would stand outside the bathroom door when she went to the restroom. We made damn sure that every guy in the room knew she had four muscled machines ready to take them down if they tried anything.

  “Thank you,” she whispered, as we carried our drinks back to the table.

  “No problem.” I patted her hand and took a seat.

  Our protection of her wasn’t because we thought she couldn’t take care of herself. In drills, she definitely held her weight and kicked ass. It was more because we wanted her to know she wasn’t alone. Just because she could take care of herself didn’t mean she should be forced to endure uncomfortable advances from creeps and guys who never learned the meaning of the word no.

  The other guys ordered drinks and we talked about the week. Highs, lows, all of it.

  The only thing I didn’t talk about was Dr. Vale.

  Before I’d even met him or knew what he looked like, I respected him and his work. He’d published peer-reviewed articles that I had read and devoured. There were a few interviews online from science magazines when he’d been asked about his research into nanotechnology. Getting a look into his mind had been incredible. His views on solar power could very well change the world and make it a better place.

  Even now, some of those changes were going into effect, like houses that had solar power roofs, cutting the electricity in half and using the sun’s energy. Saving the planet little by little. Dr. Vale hadn’t first proposed the concept of using the sun for power; it had been talked about for decades. But he helped in the execution, speaking at large conferences all over the world and driving the idea home.

  “Man, he must be thinking of that dick he had last week,” Marcus said, bumping my chair.

  “Huh?” I focused on them.

  All four of them stared at me, smiling and looking way too mischievous. Tristen sipped his beer and placed it back on the table before wiping his mouth, still with a smile lifting the corner.

  “See?” Keith shook his head. “Not even paying attention.”

  “When Cody zones, he really zones,” Rachel said, giggling. She moved her hands through her black hair and lounged in the chair, arm behind me and legs spread like a total dude.

  “Fuck off.” I took a drink of my long island iced tea.

  Those assholes might’ve given me a hard time, but I loved them like crazy. Because of them, I had a real family again. Not one by blood, but by choice. A close bond and deep level of trust. I was lucky to have found them.

  ***

  The following Monday, Dr. Vale wasn’t acting like himself. I had noticed it during Friday’s class, too. He definitely wasn’t a Chatty Cathy, so his lack of conversation with students before and after class wasn’t anything new.

  Sure, I’d only had, like, four encounters with the guy, so I wasn’t an expert. But I sensed something was off.

  It was in his expression. In the way he talked. And
it was that look in his eyes during the few instances when he looked at me. As if he wanted to say something but forced himself not to.

  When he lectured, it was like his mind was elsewhere. He went over the material in depth and gave examples to clarify any confusion over certain principles and complex methods. But where I usually saw passion as he taught us, now I saw something else.

  Nothingness.

  He wasn’t just shut off from the world; it was like he lived in a different reality. His physical body was there, but his mind traveled the universe, shooting amongst the stars.

  “Now that the first two laws of thermodynamics have been discussed, we’ll begin on the third law.” Dr. Vale clicked the PowerPoint to the next slide. “It states that the entropy of a system approaches a constant value as the temperature approaches zero. Can anyone tell me what entropy is?”

  Brandon’s hand shot up into the air. “It’s the degree of disorder in the system.”

  After he answered, he smirked at me.

  What the fuck, dude?

  “Very good.” Dr. Vale nodded. “Entropy is a measure of uncertainty or randomness.”

  He went on to explain the reversible and irreversible processes, and I took notes. Entropy was something I’d never been able to wrap my head around. He described it in terms I could understand, though, and I made a section of examples in my notes to reference later when studying.

  I couldn’t just read something and know what it meant. I had to have examples, and writing it down helped me remember more than just seeing or hearing it. My favorite way to learn was doing hands-on activities, like not just learning how to replace an engine in a vehicle but actually getting in there and doing it.

  After the lecture, I slid my notes inside the textbook and dumped it into my backpack. Since my first three classes of the day were back-to-back, I had to carry all the textbooks at once, and those bastards were thick and heavy. I checked my phone and saw I had an email from the professor from my next class.

  Students,

  I apologize for the late notice, but class will be canceled today due to a family emergency. Please read the next chapter in your textbooks and do the online quiz I posted on the course page.

  -Professor Williams

  Awesome. I had an hour to kill before I had to be anywhere. I just hoped everything was okay with the professor. She had a monotone voice when she lectured, and it was hard to stay awake for the full hour, but she was a nice lady.

  With the extra free time, I didn’t have to rush out, so I took the opportunity to approach the podium where Dr. Vale was placing his notes and book into a brown messenger bag.

  “Hey, Dr. Vale,” I said, feeling a fluttering in my stomach when his green eyes met mine.

  Ever since I’d realized I had a major crush on him, I couldn’t be around him without my palms sweating and my heart thumping harder.

  “Can I help you with something, Mr. Miller?” he asked in a detached tone, zipping the bag.

  “Uh.” My mouth was suddenly dry. “Not exactly. I was wondering…I just…well, I—”

  “Please spit it out, Mr. Miller. I have to prepare for my next class, and time is ticking.”

  Fuck. I felt like an idiot.

  “It’s nothing. Sorry for keeping you.” I took a step back, bumping into someone and apologizing quickly. I looked back at him, finding his brow creased in the middle before it smoothed out. “I guess I just wanted to say thanks for clearing up the confusion about entropy. I feel like I understand it better now.”

  “Good.” He grabbed his bag and stepped out from the podium. “If you’ll excuse me.”

  He walked away without another word.

  All I’d wanted to do was ask if he was okay. Instead, I had sounded like a stammering fool, unable to get a full sentence out. I had panicked at his impatience and couldn’t say what I really wanted to.

  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

  “Nice try,” an annoying voice said from beside me. Brandon had one of those know-it-all attitudes that made me want to punch him sometimes. “Trying to suck up to the professor? You should know if anyone is going to get that teacher assistant spot, it’s me. Best if you backed off.”

  “I don’t want the damn TA position.” I cut my eyes at him. “He doesn’t even offer one, so what’s your deal? Are you this rude to everyone, or just me?”

  “I’m not rude. You’re the only one in class on my level, therefore you’re my competition. I’m logical.”

  “No, you’re an asshole. But close.”

  I slung my backpack over one shoulder and walked up the steps to the back of the lecture hall. So, Brownnoser Brandon felt threatened by me, even though I’d done nothing to the guy. How did he even know I was his competition? Because I answered questions in class and took notes?

  Well, he could just go sit on a cactus for all I cared.

  Outside, I breathed in the warm day and tried to let it go.

  Punks had been messing with me ever since I could remember. When I was younger, kids picked on me for how I dressed. I never had the fancy, designer clothes like they all wore. Mine had usually been littered with holes or out of date because Dad hadn’t been able to afford new ones. In high school, it got better, but guys started giving me crap for never having a girlfriend. Then when I came out at sixteen, I was bullied for that, too.

  So, yeah. I was used to assholes. Brandon wasn’t worth the energy it took to be upset.

  At eleven o’clock, I had my Mechanics of Materials class. It was in the math and science building, so I decided to stick around, maybe find somewhere to sit in the shade and read. I had found a book in the library called Band of Brothers by Stephen E. Ambrose. I’d seen the documentary based on the book and had greatly enjoyed it. The book was great, too, so far.

  Plopping down under a tree, I sat against the trunk and pulled the book from my bag, flipping to the marked page.

  Birds chirped overhead, and I said a silent prayer that they wouldn’t shit on me.

  Chapter 7

  Sebastian

  Cody sat outside my office window, reading a book under the tree I’d often stared at when contemplating a theory or when deep in thought about why a tested hypothesis had failed. I watched him for a number of minutes. Maybe longer.

  His brown hair ruffled with the summer breeze, and he reclined against the trunk, stretching out his legs and closing his eyes a moment before continuing reading.

  What had he really wanted to say to me after class? The bit about understanding entropy had obviously been a cover for something else.

  He’d been so flustered and tongue-tied, and I’d been short with him. Chasing him away like I seemed to chase everyone else away.

  The conversation with Emily the week before had sent me down a spiral of self-doubt. I kept questioning myself, wondering why I failed again and again when I tried to make someone else happy. Two and two was supposed to equal four, and yet, when I tried it, I somehow got five.

  Perhaps I’m meant to be alone.

  My attractions over the years had been passing fancies. Some I’d indulged in, and others I had admired from afar and let slip through my fingers. Some had even been successful for a while. I often saw the result I wanted in my mind—me and the other person talking, growing closer, and forming some type of bond—yet the execution needed work.

  A lot of work.

  Articulating my thoughts in a non-laboratory setting had been an issue for me ever since I could remember. Even as a young boy, I’d never been on the same frequency as everyone else. I could sit in the middle of a group, hearing their words and seeing their responses to those words, but I wouldn’t understand them. The jokes went over my head, and their references to pop culture did the same.

  Only one person had ever understood me. Truly understood me.

  “Tell me, Sebastian,” Leon said, ghosting his fingers across my lips before stepping back. He hadn’t touched me, though I’d felt him in my very core. “Do you believe the universe is
finite or infinite?”

  We were in the laboratory, working day and night on a research project. Within that time, Leon had become my friend. The only friend I’d ever truly had.

  “What I believe doesn’t matter,” I answered as his hand fell away from my face. “The truth will remain the same regardless, and unfortunately, it’s a truth we have no way of knowing. Yet.”

  “Humor me, then.” His blue eyes watched me carefully.

  “To mankind, space is infinite,” I said. “Endless space that goes on and on. Though, the idea of infinity is hard for me to process. Everything has a beginning and an end.”

  “Then, what does the end of the universe look like in your mind?” Leon leaned closer. His breath tickled my cheek.

  But his lips didn’t touch my skin. Oh, how I craved for them to.

  “I can’t be certain, of course, but I believe the universe loops back in on itself. Eventually. The farther out it goes, the older everything appears for the speed of light takes that much time to reach us. A galaxy 2.5 million light years away, appears to us as it did 2.5 million years ago. So, it can be concluded that the farther you go, the closer you get to the beginning. And there you’ll find the point when light was first emitted.”

  Leon studied me with a smile curving the corner of his mouth. “So, what if the universe isn’t infinite, yet it continuously grows larger? It’s been expanding since the Big Bang. Maybe we’ll never reach the end because the end travels farther and farther away from us. Always out of reach.”

  “That still does not make it infinite.”

  “No, it doesn’t,” he agreed, his blue eyes flashing to my lips before lifting again. “What about black holes?”

  I laughed and rifled through the various scattered pages of chemistry equations on the table. “Focus, Leon, or we’ll never finish.”

  “Ever the studious one, you are.” His smile remained in place.

  “One of us has to be. We can’t both slide by on luck alone.”