Brighter Shades of Light

by Jaclyn Osborn

  “You’re not wrong.” Leon chuckled and ran a hand through his wavy blond hair.

  His laugh was quickly becoming my favorite sound in the universe—infinite or not.

  As the memory faded, I blinked, and several tears trickled from my eyes. I took off my glasses and put my face in my hands. More tears followed, falling quietly down my cheeks as I attempted to pull myself together.

  Leon.

  I tried not to think of him, but his memory was seared into me. His touch was a ghostly caress across my skin in the dead of night; not there in actuality but ingrained in my very being. Others had touched me since him, yet his touch was the one I remembered. The one no one else had ever compared to. His voice, a whisper from the past, found me in that moment just before I fell asleep, traveling to the end of the universe and coming back around to tell me things I’d long since put from my mind.

  A memory. It was all he’d ever be now.

  The memories were too painful. When they started to poke at my mind, I threw myself even more into my work as a distraction. And I’d been distracting my mind for years. Ever since…

  No. Stop thinking about it.

  I wiped my eyes and put my glasses back on. My chemistry class started soon, and I couldn’t show up with tear-stained cheeks and swollen eyes. I grabbed my lecture notes and placed them in my messenger bag before standing from my desk.

  Cody was still under the tree, absorbed in his book.

  Maybe in a different life, I would’ve approached him and asked what book it was that had his face scrunching up, that had him gripping the binding and tensing, as if he was on the edge of his seat. Perhaps we’d go for coffee and get to know each other in the confines of a café decorated with a Tuscan flare and coffeehouse jazz playing overhead.

  He’d laugh at something. Or maybe it’d be me that laughed. And we’d exchange a look that said we wanted to see where it went between us. One date would turn to two. Three. The sparks of something new and exciting would grow into something bigger.

  However…that reality wasn’t this one. Another time. In another place. Cody was my student. He also probably had a girlfriend. Even if he was single, it was unlikely that he liked men.

  Like the end of the universe, he was unreachable.

  ***

  September arrived, and as the heat of summer began to fade, welcoming in a new season, I stayed the same. Always the same.

  I threw myself into my work. Staying distracted was easier once I started assigning more homework for my classes. When I wasn’t grading papers or coursework, I read journals and furthered my research. The challenge was remembering to eat and sleep.

  Cody had tried talking to me several times over the past three weeks. When it was school related, I answered his questions. I explained concepts he found confusing and helped him to the best of my ability, all while trying to ignore the way his blue-gray eyes appeared lighter when he wore certain colors. Ignoring the way he chewed his bottom lip in class when he was taking notes.

  And his smile…so full of the warmth I lacked within myself.

  I thought ignoring my feelings would make them go away.

  I was wrong.

  The curiosity to know more about him nagged at me almost constantly. The feeling was nothing more than initial attraction, of course. I supposed people called it a crush. My crush would have to be snuffed out like a flame, though, for nothing could ever come of it.

  I wasn’t sure I wanted anything to come of it, anyway.

  I entered the classroom five minutes before nine, set out the attendance sheet, and opened the PowerPoint. We were going over reversible and irreversible systems today, and it was fairly straight forward. We’d already covered the laws of thermodynamics, where reversible and irreversible had been discussed, but I was explaining it more in depth now.

  Once the class understood it well enough, I was going to have them apply that understanding to engineering processes.

  Wednesdays were uniform days for the NROTC participants, and although I’d never admit it aloud, it was a day I looked forward to. Cody lit up when he was in uniform.

  During the lecture, he raised his hand a few times, asking for clarification and examples, which I didn’t mind at all to give him. Other students seemed relieved when he asked some of the questions, as if they’d wondered the same but had been too nervous to ask themselves.

  My wrist buzzed, signaling the end of class.

  “Well, that’s all for today,” I said, closing my notebook and clicking off the PowerPoint. “Friday I’ll talk about your upcoming exam and what you should expect to see on it.”

  “Professor Vale!” Brandon scooped up his book and dumped it in his bag before hurrying over to me.

  “Dr. Vale,” I corrected.

  He gaped in horror. “Yes! I’m sorry, Dr. Vale. Someone of your caliber deserves to be addressed as such.”

  “What is it you need, Mr. Powel?”

  “I was wondering if you had any extra credit assignments available.”

  “Why do you ask?” I frowned. “I’ve only given two assignments, and you had a perfect score on both. Extra credit isn’t needed.”

  “Yeah, I know. My grade couldn’t be any better right now.” He smiled, appearing every bit the arrogant kid he projected himself as. “I just want more of a challenge. The extra work will give me more of a chance to learn from you.”

  “More of a challenge? Is my class too easy for you then?”

  Brandon laughed nervously and ruffled his brown curls. “Well, maybe not for the less intelligent students.” He glanced at Cody, who was gathering his things. “But I work best when under pressure, and I’d love more to do.”

  The insinuation that Cody was one of those ‘less intelligent students’ made my jaw tighten for some reason. He asked a lot of questions in class, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t smart.

  “I appreciate your eagerness to learn, Mr. Powel, however to keep things fair, I will not be giving you extra work at this time. All extra credit assignments will be posted toward the end of the semester for the students who wish to better their grades. If you still want it, check back at that time.”

  “Yes, sir.” He nodded and left the lecture hall.

  In the years I’d spent earning my degrees, I had met many people like Brandon. They dreamed of being the best in their field, yet they tended to ride on the coattails of others to do it. That wasn’t to say Brandon didn’t work hard. He was just more preoccupied with being the best than having real passion for his work.

  “Mr. Miller,” I found myself saying as Cody started up the steps to leave. As he stopped and looked back at me, my breath caught in my throat. I didn’t know what I intended to say. “Can you come here a moment?”

  “Sure.” He smiled, and the action reflected in his eyes, along with a questioning gleam. Several strides later, he was before me. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “Not at all,” I answered. “I only wanted to say I find your questions during lecture very helpful as they help me better understand from an instructor’s standpoint what material I need to spend more time explaining. Some students might be struggling but are too embarrassed or nervous to raise their hand and ask. I appreciate your class participation.”

  Well, that had come out in a rush.

  Cody’s cheeks darkened. “Ah, well, I’m glad my questions aren’t annoying. I feel kinda dumb sometimes asking them.”

  “There are no dumb questions,” I said, finding his blush charming. I inwardly scolded myself for even paying attention to said blush. “If you don’t ask, you won’t know. I won’t keep you any longer. I know you have another class right after this one.”

  “Thanks, Dr. Vale.” He turned and, after taking a few steps forward, looked back at me. “I still owe you that sandwich.”

  I wished I could take him up on that offer. He was friendly and considerate of others, and I was sure the offer was made because he felt guilty. My attraction toward him would only complicate
the situation.

  “Not necessary,” I said, zipping my messenger bag and grabbing the top handle. “See you on Friday, Mr. Miller.”

  “Or before then,” he said. “I’ve been known to barrel around corners like a bat out of hell and slam into people from time to time.”

  The smile that touched my lips was impossible to hold back.

  “So you do smile,” Cody commented with an arched brow. “You should do it more often, Doctor. It suits you.”

  He didn’t wait around for me to respond, not that I even knew how.

  When it came to flirtation, I knew very little. However, it seemed as though he was flirting. Or…he could’ve just been nice.

  Cody Miller was a mystery.

  Chapter 8

  Cody

  As I left thermodynamics, I had the biggest, goofiest smile on my face.

  After three weeks of little communication, Dr. Vale had spoken to me. I had thought I’d done something to piss him off, because the few times I’d tried to make conversation, it seemed like he’d been eager to get away from me. I was glad to have been wrong.

  I couldn’t even be embarrassed about my shameless flirting from moments ago.

  My second class was a snooze, as usual. Professor Williams had taken a few personal days a few weeks ago, but she was back now. Her son had minor surgery after an accident and would be okay, so that was great. She was nice, but her monotone lecture made me want to curl up on my desk and take a nap.

  Material of Mechanics was after that, and as I walked down the hall and up a flight of stairs, I decided to stop at a nearby soda machine and get some caffeine to try to wake myself up. Coffee would be better, but I only had ten minutes before class started, so a Pepsi would have to do.

  Thankfully, I managed to stay awake through class.

  When lunchtime came around, I went to the dining hall.

  Unlike the campus cafeteria that was open to the public, the dining hall was for students and faculty only. I stood in line outside the entrance, pleased to see it was moving fairly quickly. The sun warmed my back but there was crispness in the air.

  The first day of fall was this coming weekend, but it already felt like the season had changed.

  After showing the person at the front counter my student ID card, I grabbed a plate and moved down the line. It was all-you-could-eat, with a selection of meats, vegetables, and other sides. A grill was on the other side of the room for if you wanted a burger and fries, and there was a salad station. The food was always high-quality, and I tended to eat way too much of it.

  I piled steamed vegetables on my plate before requesting a burger from the grill-master, a.k.a. Gary. The man always cooked it to perfection, a mouthwatering medium-rare. I searched for a place to sit and froze when I recognized a certain blond chemist near the window.

  Before I could stop myself, I walked over to him. He looked up when I was a few feet from his table.

  “Afternoon, Dr. Vale.”

  “Mr. Miller,” he said in greeting, pushing his glasses back. He’d been slumped over, reading a journal, with an untouched sandwich in front of him.

  “Do you mind if I sit?” I asked, looking at the empty chair across from him. “The place is kinda full today.”

  “Oh.” He gave me a blank stare and then shook his head, as if coming back from whatever reality he’d been in. He grabbed the textbook sprawled on the tabletop, making room for me. “Of course. Please excuse the mess.”

  “I’m surprised to see you here.” I sat in the chair in front of him and placed my backpack in the one beside me.

  I didn’t know him well, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that Dr. Vale wasn’t exactly in his element around people.

  “A renovation is being done in one of the rooms near my office, and it was distracting. Too loud.” He met my gaze briefly before dropping it back to the worn journal. “I forgot to eat breakfast this morning, so I needed food anyway.”

  People talked around us. Some laughed. A constant murmuring of voices.

  “I doubt this is much quieter than where you were,” I said.

  “You’re correct. I don’t plan to stay long.” Dr. Vale looked at his plate, as if just realizing he hadn’t started eating yet, and he began to pick apart his sandwich.

  The buffet had something for everyone—meat lovers and vegetarians, health nuts and people who didn’t give a fuck about diets. Plus, the amazing grill. But Dr. Vale had gone to the counters in the center of the room, where people could make salads and sandwiches, and grabbed one of those instead. And not even a proper sandwich, either. Just turkey and cheese. No lettuce, tomato, bacon, or anything that would make it taste good.

  “So, we’ll be having a test soon?” I asked and took a drink of my soda.

  His eyes narrowed, though I saw the humor in them. “Why, Mr. Miller, are you trying to gain insider knowledge of the exam? Not very sportsmanlike.”

  I snorted. “Nah, just trying to make conversation.”

  Dr. Vale didn’t smile, but I got the feeling he wanted to.

  “Would you rather sit with your friends?” He watched me for a moment before looking back to the journal.

  “Nah. You’re more interesting.”

  I sensed he was paying more attention to me than whatever he was pretending to read.

  “Surely an engaging young man such as yourself has a pretty girl to sit with.”

  “I get the feeling you’re trying to get rid of me, Doctor.” I grinned when he quickly glanced up. “Besides…it wouldn’t be a pretty girl that’d have my attention. More like a pretty boy.”

  Any notion that the good ol’ doctor was emotionless was put to bed real fast. His normally indifferent expression turned to outright shock before he quietly cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses.

  There was something oddly satisfying about watching his walls crumble a little.

  I bit into my burger, moaning as the juices exploded in my mouth. Food-gasms were a real thing. When I looked at Dr. Vale, I noisily swallowed the bite and stilled.

  He was staring at me. More specifically, staring at my mouth. His gaze lifted, and if I hadn’t been already sitting, I would’ve gone weak in the knees.

  Had he always had such an intense stare? Even through the lens of his glasses, I noticed his normally light-green eyes looked darker.

  I’d never had someone look at me like that before.

  A moment passed where we held eye contact, me trying to remember how to breathe while he appeared as collected as he always did. I wondered if, behind the calm exterior, his heart was beating as hard as mine.

  “Hey, Cody!”

  The spell broke, and I looked to see Marcus and Keith sitting a few tables down. They were with a large group of people, mostly girls, and were wearing their uniforms, too.

  “Be right back,” I said to Dr. Vale. I stood up on slightly shaky legs and went over to say hi.

  Marcus talked some shit, as usual, and Keith added to the remarks. They played off each other like that. Normally, I would’ve stayed longer, but I was eager to get back to Dr. Vale. Whatever had been happening before the interruption had been electrifying. Like he was undressing me with his eyes and mentally fucking me.

  Or was I reading too much into it?

  A minute or so later, I told my friends I’d talk to them later and returned to the table.

  Dr. Vale had stood and was zipping his bag. His sandwich only had a few bites taken off.

  “You’re leaving?” A stupid question, since it was obvious he was.

  “Yes. I need to get back.”

  “I hope I didn’t chase you off,” I said, slumping down in my chair. “I can sit somewhere else if I’m bothering you.”

  He stopped and looked at me, his eyes softening. “You’re not bothering me, Mr. Miller. But I do need to get to my office. Perhaps another time.”

  I doubted that time would ever come, but maybe it would. I never thought I’d see him in the dining hall, eit
her, and there he was. Anything was possible.

  ***

  Drill lab was once a week, every Wednesday, and it was the best thing ever. It lasted for two hours, and there was a different activity each session. Sometimes a guest speaker came in to lecture—which was less exciting, but informative—and other times we did martial arts training, close-order drill practices, and learned fire team tactics.

  The previous week, we’d had a combat veteran come speak to us. It had been powerful. He had served as a joint terminal attack controller with a Marine Special Operations force in the Afghanistan and Iraq wars with eight years of service under his belt.

  And there’d been a certain look in his eyes when he talked about it. One that had shaken me up a little.

  “What do you think we’ll do today?” Tristen asked, as we walked to O’Brien Hall.

  “Hopefully something fun,” I said, staring up at a bird as it flew off a branch from a nearby tree. The leaves were starting to change, little by little, greens now showing hints of yellow. The day was hot, though, as if summer was trying to go out with a bang. “I don’t want to sit in on another lecture.”

  “Same.”

  Truth be told, it wasn’t the sitting down for a lecture that made me hope we’d be doing something out of the classroom. I just couldn’t get that look out of the sergeant’s eyes from the week before.

  He hadn’t shared any gruesome war stories, but they’d been written all over his face. For a man in his early thirties, he seemed much older, like he’d seen more shit than most people could ever imagine. He mentioned a few close calls he’d had and briefly discussed several fallen Marines he’d known and called friends. Even without the details, a clear picture had been painted.

  We weren’t the first ones to arrive at O’Brien Hall, but we weren’t the last, either. Some midshipmen didn’t get out of their last class until about twenty minutes before the start of drill, so it was common to have stragglers leading up to accountability.

  Rachel waved and jogged over, her black hair pulled back and her uniform perfect, if not a bit baggy on her petite frame. She might have been small, but she was fierce.