Brighter Shades of Light

by Jaclyn Osborn

  Her eyes widened. “You…you’re dating a man?”

  Sebastian never told her about Leon, then.

  “Yes,” he said.

  “Is that the real reason our marriage failed? Because you’re gay?”

  “No. Our marriage failed because we weren’t meant to be together.”

  My head buzzed with so many questions. How long were they married? When did they divorce? Shit, did he have a kid I didn’t know about?

  This morning, I thought I knew Sebastian. I knew the exact way to ride him to make his toes curl and the place on his neck that made him suck in a breath between his teeth. But not just the physical things. I knew how to make him laugh when he struggled to do so. I knew how he liked his coffee and what side of the bed he preferred to sleep on. And with a single knock on the door, everything had changed.

  I felt like I barely knew him now.

  As my eyes filled with tears, I stepped away from him and walked down the hall.

  “Cody!” Sebastian called after me.

  I kept walking.

  “Isn’t he a student?” Emily asked.

  Mumbling followed her question, but I was too far away to hear what was being said. In the bedroom, I grabbed my jeans from the floor and pulled a hoodie over my head. I shoved clothes into my bag, not caring if they got wrinkled, before tying my sneakers and hauling the bag over my shoulder. I fished out my keys from my back pocket.

  When I walked back down the hall, Emily was closer to Sebastian, holding his hands and whispering something to him. He stared back at her, his expression void of emotion. But life returned to his eyes when he saw me.

  “You’re leaving?” The shakiness in his voice made the center of my chest physically hurt, like it was being ripped open. He pulled his hands from hers and started toward me.

  “Yeah.” I stepped out of his reach and grabbed the door handle.

  “Let him leave,” Emily said. “We need to talk anyway. Better if he wasn’t here.”

  My heart dropped into my stomach. Were they going to get back together? Would Sebastian throw me away so easily?

  I flipped around to her. “Look, I don’t know what your deal is, lady, but I didn’t do anything to you. So back off.”

  “I need to back off?” She smiled coldly. “He’s my husband. And what is he to you? Your professor? You’re a child and need to stay in your own lane. Let the grownups talk.”

  As I opened the door and stormed outside, the cold air held no comparison to the cold inside my chest. Snow covered the ground, and I trudged through it toward my truck.

  “Cody!”

  I turned to see Sebastian in the doorway. Barefoot and shirtless, he ran toward me. He was insane. He could get sick.

  “Please don’t leave,” he said, once in front of me. His chin trembled, probably from the below-freezing temperature. “I can’t lose you.”

  “Are you getting back with her?” Though it was hard, I glared at him. “Is that what she meant by you guys needing to talk?”

  He looked at me, his unreadable expression not giving me much hope.

  “Whatever.” I slid into my truck and slammed the heavy door.

  Blue started on the third try, which was kind of a miracle given the cold weather. The tread on my tires sucked, and going down the steep hill would be fun to say the least. But I needed some space.

  Sebastian stood in the snow, staring at me as I backed up.

  The red-headed bitch stood on the front porch, crossing her arms. I expected to see a smug smile on her face. Instead, she appeared indifferent.

  Once I was out of sight, I finally let go of the pain I had held back. I screamed and punched the door. Tears welled in my eyes. He should’ve told me about his ex-wife. I mean, he fucking told me about his dead ex-boyfriend. Why not his wife? What would happen now?

  Emily was obviously still in love with him.

  A guardian angel must’ve been watching over me because I made it to campus without an accident. Other than sliding a little on the steep hill, I didn’t have any trouble making it to the campus parking lot. It took me thirty minutes instead of ten, since I drove slowly, but I arrived in one piece.

  I couldn’t say the same for my heart.

  Tristen was fucking someone when I walked through the door. He was in his bedroom with the door closed, and the bed squeaked as it banged against the wall. I walked down the hall, hearing a guy moan.

  In my room, the loneliness was suffocating. I kept the light off and crawled into bed, watching the snow fall outside the window. Falling in love with Sebastian was inevitable.

  It seemed losing him was, too.

  Chapter 19

  Sebastian

  “Are you pleased with yourself?” I asked Emily, once Cody’s truck disappeared down the hill and we went back inside the house. My feet were frozen, but I paid the sting little attention.

  “No. I’m not pleased.” She plopped down on the couch. “Contrary to what you think, I don’t want to hurt you, Sebastian. But you have to see where I’m coming from. I never knew you liked men. It was a shock.”

  “It’s not the gender of the person I’m attracted to, but rather who they are,” I said, a cold that had nothing to do with the weather creeping through my veins.

  “Sit down.”

  “I don’t want to sit.” I walked over to the archway that led into the kitchen and observed the cups of coffee and plates of half-eaten omelets on the table. The morning with Cody had been perfect. I almost told him I loved him. Anger simmered within my chest, and I spun around to Emily. “What did you want to talk about? I would rather get it over with so you can leave.”

  “You’re sleeping with a student,” she said. “I’m sure you’re well aware of the consequences, should the board of directors find out.”

  “Yes. I’m aware.”

  I had done research into how other universities handled situations like mine and Cody’s when it was brought to their attention. Some professors were fired. Others just had their reputation questioned.

  “I could tell them, you know.”

  “Do it.” I approached her, surprised at the level of anger inside me. “I suspect what you’re going to say, Emily, and quite frankly, I’m disappointed in you. You plan to hold this over my head so I’ll come back to you? Will a forced relationship truly make you happy?”

  She averted her gaze.

  “I just…” She wiped at her eyes. “I miss you.”

  “No, you don’t. Our marriage was over long before we divorced. You miss the idea of me.”

  “Perhaps that’s true.” Emily pulled her coat tighter around herself. “I thought if I gave you enough time, we could start over. I would show up at your house, we’d talk, you’d maybe play a song for me on the piano like you used to do, and we would fall back in love.”

  I had never been in love with her.

  I had never even loved her.

  “When you came to me wanting the divorce, it was your idea. Not mine.” I walked forward, stopping several feet in front of her. “It’s upsetting for me to see you stoop so low, Emily. I don’t mean for this to sound cruel, but I feel it’s the only way to reach you. You need to stop with the jealousy and accept that I don’t love you. And it doesn’t matter if you blackmail me by threatening to have me fired, I will never be with you. Is that understood?”

  “Yes. I understand.” Tears fell down her cheeks as she looked up at me. “You don’t love me…but you love him. Don’t you?”

  I stared at her, breathing through my nose and trying to calm down. “Yes. I do.”

  “You love him, but you didn’t tell him you were married?”

  “Divorced,” I corrected.

  I hadn’t told Cody about Emily because I hadn’t felt reason to. As horrible as it was to admit, she wasn’t even a factor in my life anymore. I didn’t think about her. But after seeing Cody’s reaction, I wished I had told him. He shouldn’t have found out the way he did.

  “I’m sorry, Sebastian.�
�� Emily stood and approached me. “I think you’re blinded by him, though. He’s this young, handsome thing, and he excites you. It can’t work in the long term. Surely, you see that. Not only because of your age difference, but what would people think once you go public with your relationship? Your reputation and everything you’ve built won’t matter once people only see your sexuality. Some people won’t mind, probably, but do you want to take that risk?”

  I cared little about my reputation. If people chose to disregard all my hard work throughout the years and shun me for who I loved, then their opinions meant nothing to me anyway.

  “Please leave.” I backed away from her. “I would also appreciate it if you didn’t show up unannounced anymore.”

  “Sebastian…”

  “Leave, Emily.”

  She flinched at the harshness in my tone, and I almost felt guilty for it.

  Once she was gone, I sat down on the couch and put my face in my hands. I didn’t know for sure if Emily would tell anyone. If she did, I would be questioned about the allegation and possibly lose my teaching license.

  Would anything happen to Cody?

  With shaking hands, I grabbed my phone and dialed his number. No answer. Then, his voicemail picked up.

  “Hey, this is Cody. I’m probably sleeping or working out. Or staring at your name on my screen, not wanting to pick up because you should’ve texted me instead of called.”

  “Please call me back. We need to talk.”

  He didn’t return my call. Texting him didn’t even work.

  The snow melted by the next day, and Thanksgiving was sunny and beautiful. I spent most of the day in my study, though, distracting my mind with reading and research. Where being alone used to be peaceful, it wasn’t any longer.

  It was the loneliest I’d ever been. Maybe because I had someone I actually wanted to spend time with now.

  The clock on my desk chimed early Monday morning, and I lifted my head to see sunlight shining through the window. I had fallen asleep again in my study. Standing up, I stretched and winced at the crick in my neck. Just when I thought I was getting better, I reverted to my old ways, overworking and not taking care of myself.

  It was the first day back to class after Thanksgiving break, and I experienced an unexpected bout of nerves as I showered and dressed for the day. I would see Cody this morning. He could ignore my phone calls, but he would have to see me one way or another.

  When I arrived on campus, I headed for my office as I usually did.

  “Sebby!”

  I inhaled deeply before turning around to Vance. He wore a heavy coat and a bowler hat. Old-fashioned, though it looked a tad silly on him. Like when a child wore his father’s oversized clothing to seem more grownup, but the effect was ruined by a goofy grin.

  “Good morning,” I said.

  “Hey, so I saw Emily Saturday night.” He removed his hat and swept a hand through the small amount of hair on his head. “I went out with some buddies and bumped into her at the bar. Pretty little thing, she is. I haven’t seen her so dolled-up before. Green dress and red lips. Hope you don’t mind me saying that. We talked for a long while.”

  “Oh?” My insides coiled, despite my cool tone.

  Vance knew nearly every professor at the university. Claudia and several of the other women he chatted up constantly were acquaintances of Emily, so it made sense for him to speak with her as well. If she told him about me and Cody, it was only a matter of time before the news spread throughout the entire campus.

  “She asked me if I had any single friends,” he said, chuckling. “Can you believe that? I was sure the girl was still hung up over you, but I guess I was wrong. Kinda disappointed she didn’t ask me out. But I reckon she has a thing for the silent types like you. No offense meant, buddy.”

  “None taken.” Relief flooded my chest. “Well, I hope she finds someone suitable to her needs. She deserves to be happy.”

  “Suitable to her needs?” Vance snickered. “You make it sound like she’s buying a car.”

  “I need to prep for my first class.” I offered a thin smile. “Excuse me.”

  Once I was in my office with the door closed, I released a shaky breath. Emily had kept my secret. I liked to think she only behaved that way last week because of shock and heartache, not because she was deliberately wicked.

  Ten minutes before class started, I walked to the lecture hall and unpacked my things. My notes were placed on the podium, and I set up the PowerPoint. Students entered the room, and each time the door opened, I found myself glancing up to see if it was Cody.

  He’s not coming, I thought, as the clock hit nine.

  But then the door swung open and he hurried inside, taking a seat in the back row. Just like the first day of class all over again. The hood was pulled up on his jacket, and he lowered it before ruffling his dark hair. I would bet anything that he had finished PT, showered, and fallen back asleep. He didn’t look at me, and I realized I was looking at him a bit too much.

  I cleared my throat before starting class.

  “I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving,” I said and clicked to the first slide on the presentation. “We have a lot to cover today, so I’ll jump into it unless there are questions.”

  When no one raised their hand, I started the lesson. By the end of the class period, I realized Cody hadn’t participated whatsoever. He didn’t ask questions or engage in discussion. He only took notes and stared at his textbook.

  My watch buzzed, and I ended class on time.

  “Mr. Miller? Can I see you a moment?”

  Brandon glared at Cody before grabbing his bag and storming out. His rivalry with Cody was almost comical. I suspected he had grown up with older siblings and had developed a need to outshine everyone, but that was only a theory.

  Cody stared at the floor as he walked over.

  “Yes, Dr. Vale?”

  “Will you look at me?” I whispered, refraining from reaching out and tilting his chin up. I wanted to touch him but knew I couldn’t.

  Slowly, his blue-gray eyes met mine. Tears shone in them.

  “I called you many times,” I said, after looking around and seeing mostly everyone had left. “I even texted you, and I never text. Why didn’t you answer?”

  Cody squared his jaw, saying nothing.

  “You’re still upset about Emily. She left shortly after you did.” I needed him to understand nothing had happened between us. “I swear to you that—”

  “I really don’t want to hear about you and your wife,” he said, stepping back. “I have to get to class.”

  “Cody, wait.” I touched his arm before quickly withdrawing my hand. “Will you stop acting this way? I don’t want her.” My gaze burned into his. This wasn’t the place to talk to him, not when anyone could walk in and see. “Meet me in my office today at noon.”

  “Not sure I can make it,” Cody said bitterly. “I’m just a child and probably need to stay in my own lane.”

  “You’re not a child. She was wrong for saying that. We need to talk, and my office is where we can do it.”

  “Don’t think so.”

  “Please.” I wasn’t above begging.

  Though it was faint, his expression softened. “Maybe.”

  I’d accept maybe.

  ***

  The bell tower in the center of campus began to chime, counting down the seconds until noon. I was in the middle of sorting papers to grade and stopped at the sound. Cody wasn’t here. Right at the last ding, someone knocked on my office door.

  I looked up from the papers and stared.

  There was a second knock, followed by several smaller ones, as if the person on the other side was getting impatient.

  I went over and opened the door, half-expecting to see Vance and bracing myself for the letdown.

  “Hey,” Cody said. His hood was up, and the cord from his earbuds hung around his neck. “So, I’m here.”

  “Come in.” I let him inside and shut the
door behind him.

  He walked into the room, hands in his hoodie pocket, and seemed uninterested. I knew him better than that, though. He was doing all he could to keep a stern face.

  I hated the distance.

  Closing the gap between our bodies, I wrapped him in my arms. Cody didn’t move at first. I kissed his forehead and ran my hands down his back. Still, he didn’t budge.

  “I’m sorry, Cody.” I pressed my forehead to his. “I should’ve told you about Emily. She and I have nothing between us anymore. She’s in the past and has been for months.” I kissed the area right beside his lips. “You’re all I want.”

  He slumped against my chest and buried his face into my sweater. “Don’t keep any more secrets from me, Sebastian.” He tilted his head up to look at me. “I’ve told you basically everything about me. And it hurt for you to keep something like that to yourself. Made me feel like I wasn’t important enough to you.”

  “Not important enough?” I grabbed his face. “You are the most important person in my life, Cody.”

  I never wanted him to question my feelings for him again.

  He stared at me as our mouths hovered inches from each other, and his lids grew heavy as his breath quickened. Heat consumed me, just like my love for him did.

  Cody pulled at my shirt, and I slid my hands beneath his hoodie. I needed to feel him, skin to skin. Our lips broke away just long enough for me to lift his hoodie over his head and for him to do the same with my sweater. Then we were back on each other, teeth clacking, tongues dancing, and hearts thrumming wildly.

  “Are we really gonna do this here?” he asked, panting.

  I answered him with another kiss and popped the button on his pants. Having sex in my office was a horrible idea. The blinds on the window were closed to block us from view, but even with the door locked, someone could hear us if we weren’t careful. However, passion won over logic. I didn’t just want to taste Cody—to lay him over my desk and drive into him—but I needed to.

  “My office hours start at one,” I said, pulling down his jeans before gripping his thick cock through his boxers. “We need to make it quick. Is that okay with you?”