Polysecure

by Jessica Fern

  The partners who are receiving less time and attention will usually begin to feel uneasy, anxious or angry, and they will begin to protest. As they begin to voice their dissatisfaction that their partner is being less available, present or connected than the partner used to be, they may be told they are too jealous or needy. But their protest can actually be a healthy sign of their attachment system detecting too much disconnection and therefore acting up in order to course-correct. It’s the body’s inner guidance system indicating that important needs are going unmet. The insecurities arising for the partner who feels left out, left behind or no longer as important are not necessarily manifestations of jealousy. Rather, the situation and the relationship they find themselves in are no longer providing them with the same degree of attachment-based needs fulfillment that they have become accustomed to, triggering a more hyperactivated anxious preoccupied style. In such cases, sometimes just the awareness of what is going on can be enough for the partner who has been less attentive to re-engage. Other times, strategies for being less polysaturated and more present with each partner need to be implemented, or sometimes renegotiations about the level of involvement or commitment of the relationship are needed.

  Similarly, the conditions that contribute to a disorganized attachment pattern can also arise in nonmonogamous relationships. In situations where nonmonogamy is not done ethically, where people are subject to vetoes or to decisions and boundaries that they did not co-create, and when relationship agreements or safe sex practices are being repeatedly broken, a person’s safety and security alarms bells can go off in ways that become highly dysregulating and damaging. In any relationship, whether monogamous or nonmonogamous, abuse, neglect, aggression, violence, manipulation, control or gaslighting can also contribute to a fearful-avoidant attachment experience where the one you love and trust is also the one you fear and shouldn’t really trust.

  The conditions that breed a disorganized attachment adaptation are not specific to CNM by any means, but I have seen a variation that is unique to CNM. There can be something very disorienting that happens for some new CNM couples who were first monogamous together and were accustomed to being each other’s main source of comfort, support and relief from distress. As the relationship opens, a partner’s actions with other people (even ethical ones that were agreed upon) can become a source of distress and pose an emotional threat. Everything that this person is doing with other people can become a source of intense fear and insecurity for their pre-existing partner, catapulting them into the paradoxical disorganized dilemma of wanting comfort and safety from the very same person who is triggering their threat response. Again, the partner may be doing exactly what the couple consented to and acting within their negotiated agreements, but for the pre-existing partner, their primary attachment figure being away, unavailable and potentially sharing levels of intimacy with another person registers as a debilitating threat in the nervous system. As someone in this situation simultaneously wants to move towards and away from one’s partner, the very foundation of their relationship and attachment system can begin to shudder, and people can begin acting out in ways that are destructive to each other and the relationship. When this happens, I recommend working with a professional to re-establish inner and outer safety.

  CNM can activate the attachment system into primal panic.

  From the perspective of attachment theory, we need to be connected to people to survive, so our nervous system equates emotional connection with safety and emotional disconnection with danger or threat. Attachment-related threats include the potential loss of our attachment figure, separation from our attachment figure or loss of access to them for periods of time longer than we are used to. These threats don’t have to be actual to activate the attachment system—even theoretical or symbolic threats can initiate attachment distress and what is called primal panic. As Sue Johnson states,

  Separation distress arises when an attachment bond is threatened or a secure connection is lost. There are other kinds of emotional bonds based on shared activities or respect, and when they are broken a person may be distressed. But that distress does not have the same intensity or significance as when an attachment bond is called into question. Emotional and physical isolation from attachment figures is inherently traumatizing for human beings, beginning with it as a heightened sense, not simply of vulnerability and danger, but also helplessness.62

  Many of my clients report being highly anxious and off their emotional axis for hours, sometimes even days, before their partner goes on a date with someone else. Others seriously spiral out while the date is happening. Cognitively, they know that their partner is still alive, not abandoning them or doing anything wrong, but their body and emotions are in primal panic. In such cases, jealousy is not a sufficient or accurate description of what is happening for the partner in distress. When primal attachment panic gets mislabeled as jealousy, the partner experiencing it can be left thinking that there is something wrong with them, that this is their issue to figure out on their own and that they should be better at doing CNM. They might use self-destructive behaviors, such as using distractions or substances, in an attempt to feel better, but the root of the problem is left unaddressed. This can also escalate into panic attacks, meltdowns or an emotional crisis that can pit partners against each other or become extremely difficult for everyone involved to manage. However, when people are able to identify this experience as primal panic, understand how it is rooted in their attachment needs, learn how to better self-soothe and address these attachment needs with their partner, a new path forward opens up together.

  There can be a mismatch of attachment expectations.

  As mentioned earlier, not all relationships have to be attachment-based, but ideally all parties involved in the relationship need to agree about this. Very painful and confusing situations can arise when one person wants a certain relationship to meet their attachment needs, but the other person does not want the same level of involvement, or if a person wants an attachment-based relationship in theory but is practically or situationally unable to emotionally provide at that level. When I see clients struggling with attachment anxiety because a partner gives mixed signals or is inconsistent in their responsiveness, support or availability, it is important to explore whether or not they are expecting this partner to be an attachment figure for them. If they are, then it is paramount for them to dialogue with their partner about whether or not that partner wants to be in the role of an attachment figure for them, as well as honestly assessing if the partner has enough time, capacity and/or space in their life and other relationships to show up to the degree required for being polysecure together.

  Some people prefer not to define their relationships, preferring to explore and experience them without labels or traditional expectations. As long as this level of ambiguity or relationship fluidity is a match for everyone involved, it can be a very liberating and satisfying way to relate with others. But when someone casts a partner in the role of attachment figure, but that person is unable or unwilling to play the part, much pain, frustration, disappointment, heartache and attachment anxiety ensues. In monogamy, if two people do not align in their desires to be attached at a secure level or one person is unable or unwilling to step into secure functioning, then the relationship usually ends (or they just suffer miserably together forever), but when this occurs in nonmonogamy, the relationship might also end, but it doesn’t necessarily have to. Nonmonogamous relationships allow for more flexibility and negotiation about how close, connected and involved partners want to be. I’ve seen that once people get clear with each other about whether or not they are pursuing an attachment-based relationship, each person can better orient to what the relationship is, what it isn’t, what’s available and what’s not available, enabling people to better accept and appreciate the relationship for what it is without having to let it go. If the relationship is not going to be attachment-based, this doesn’t mean that someone no longer needs to have the
ir attachment needs met in general, but the acceptance that a specific relationship is not going to meet a person’s attachment needs can relieve everyone involved and be an important step in finding or creating relationships with others.

  Potential signs that your attachment needs are not being considered in your CNM relationship:

  Your partner is inconsistently there for when you need them.

  Your partner ignores your texts, emails or calls or inconsistently responds to your texts, emails or calls.

  Your partner ignores your explicit requests for time together or they keep saying that they want to do things with you but there is little to no follow-through.

  Your partner does things that make you question if you are accepted, appreciated or valued.

  Your partner is inconsistent about the information they share about themselves, other partners or sexual activity.

  Relationship and/or sexual agreements are being broken.

  Your partner uses their other partners as an excuse for their own behavior.

  Your partner uses criticism, defensiveness, contempt or stonewalling.

  Your feelings, needs or opinions are not heard or don’t carry much weight.

  Despite what your partner says about how much they care about you or how they don’t practice hierarchy, other partners are getting preferential treatment.

  Your partner is effusively affectionate over text, but uncomfortable with verbal or physical affection in person.

  You are giving more than you are receiving.

  You are being asked to keep your relationship a secret or lie about your relationship in front of certain people.

  You get more information from your metamours pertaining to important things about your partner than from your actual partner.

  CNM can create new attachment ruptures.

  As people transition into the nonmonogamous relationship paradigm they are required to lay down the privileges as well as the relational map of monogamy. Now walking around in a world that does not yet fully understand, respect or approve of them, these people are left to figure out how to ethically have multiple lovers without a clear guidebook to follow. The loss of monogamy’s privileges and absence of the clear-cut path that it offers on how to navigate relationships can create new attachment ruptures and traumas, both anticipated and unanticipated. These ruptures can occur over the multiple dimensions of human experience that are presented in the nested model of attachment and trauma. The following section offers the different ways in which people can experience stress, trauma and attachment ruptures when they are practicing nonmonogamy. Some of these experiences are subtler, where difficulty and pain result from an accumulation of stressful experiences within the various levels, and other experiences are more overtly oppressive, traumatic or damaging of attachment. The examples that I share here are based on my own personal and professional experiences with CNM, insights from other mental health professionals specializing in nonmonogamous relationships, and Elisabeth Sheff’s years of research on people in polyamorous relationships and families.63 In Sheff’s own words,

  Discrimination is hurtful action taken against an identifiable minority group, and anti-poly discrimination takes many different forms. Using data from my 20-year study of polyamorous families with children, I compiled some of the ways in which polyamorous people report experiencing discrimination. It is important to note that many of the people in the research reported positive experiences with polyamory, from family members who fully embraced them, their partners, and metamours, to friends who welcomed the new chosen family members and employers who invited the entire polycule to the employee holiday dinner. People living in urban areas, especially in liberal states, reported less discrimination than people living in conservative and/or rural regions. Most respondents were middle-class white people and did not mention racial or class discrimination, though respondents of color did mention concern for polyamory to complicate their already challenging interactions with racism.64

  I have seen firsthand the many ways that being non-monogamous can facilitate positive experiences with the friends, family and work, as well as how many new and unexpected positive experiences people have with partners, metamours and the new friends and family that come about from being nonmonogamous. That said, I’ve yet to meet someone who is openly nonmonogamous who has not experienced some form of judgment, criticism, rejection, discrimination or othering because of their lifestyle or orientation. Experiences can vary greatly in terms of severity and impact, and the intersectionality of being polyamorous with other forms of marginalization cannot be ignored or minimized. The nested model of attachment and trauma offers a framework to name some of these differences and how they have an effect at each of the different levels.

  The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma Applied to People Practicing CNM

  Self Level

  People who wake up to themselves as being nonmonogamous as an orientation can have a similar coming-out process as people who come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Even though the realization that someone is nonmonogamous by orientation may come with much personal clarity, relief and alignment of who and how they are, the coming-out process can also bring with it an enormous amount of pain and confusion. Deconstructing monogamy, whether you identify as nonmonogamous by orientation or as a lifestyle choice, is not an easy undoing process for everyone. As people recognize the ways that mono-romantic beliefs have been internalized into their psyche, as well as how these ideas have influenced their actions and choices, regret and shame can arise. The experience can cause a person to question their own identity, uncertain about which elements still fit and which do not, uncertain as to exactly what authenticity and integrity look like for them now. Unable to rely on a sense of self for internal safety and security, these people can be left on shaky ground, often without sufficient support to navigate what can become a crisis of identity, a dark night of the soul or a complete reinvention of the self.

  Relationship Level

  At the relationship level, trauma and attachment ruptures can arise from:

  Your marriage or relationship disintegrating because you identify as nonmonogamous.

  You and your partner transitioning together to CNM, which you are happy about, but experiencing a real loss of the old relationship that the two of you had together. Even though you might still be together, the relationship has changed, and it’s common to have grief about the past relationship with your partner that is no longer, as well as grief and loss about the monogamous future you had envisioned with them.

  Loss, rejection, estrangement, repeated judgment or criticism from friends and family members who you have come out to.

  Being treated differently by friends and family who no longer want you to be around or alone with their spouse or kids because you are nonmonogamous.

  Being subjected to “interventions” from friends and family who are unaccepting of you being nonmonogamous.

  Feeling unsafe and afraid to come out to certain friends or family members because it may end the relationship or risk your future safety or security in some way.

  The loss and stress that can occur from no longer being number one to your partner.

  Breakups or the death of CNM partners, which are just as painful and difficult as breakups or deaths of monogamous partners. Because you have other partners, your friends and family may not recognize or acknowledge the significance of the loss.

  Falling in love with someone who then ends the relationship with you (often suddenly) because their other partner told them to or they decided to close up their relationship with their primary partner.

  The loss of metamour relationships when your partner and the metamour break up.

  Being unacknowledged, dismissed, stonewalled or mistreated by metamours.

  Needing to break up with a partner because they choose to stay in a relationship with other people who mistreat or abuse them, you, themselves or others.

  Partners making a unilat
eral decision that changes the structure of your relationship without your consent.

  Being subjected to vetoes or power dynamics from partners and/or metamours.

  Not having a say or voice in what things you can do, places you can go or sex acts you can experience with your partner because of rules and agreements that they have with someone else.

  One of your partners enters into a new relationship with someone and they get more attention, time, access or social recognition than you do.

  Your spouse or primary partner has switched to non-hierarchical polyamory or relationship anarchy, but you still want to be primary partners so you lose the primacy in your relationship that you want.

  No longer having your partner as your primary safe haven and the person you can tell everything to and process everything with.

  Having relationship agreements or safer sex agreements being broken that compromise your health and safety.

  Having to manage your partner’s emotional roller-coasters or hurts from the other relationships they are in.

  Home Level

  At the home level, trauma, discrimination and attachment ruptures can arise from:

  Becoming a target from neighbors, housing associations or landlords because of being nonmonogamous.

  Evictions or denial of housing because you are nonmonogamous.

  The inability to find housing with your partners because of laws that allow only a certain amount of unrelated people to cohabitate.

  Having to navigate and inhabit homes that are built for the married nuclear family.

  Dealing with child custody battles where your children are at risk of being taken out of the home because you are nonmonogamous. Elisabeth Sheff’s research has found that most of the child custody court cases that nonmonogamous parents face are not initiated by the state or Child Protective Services, but from ex-spouses or the child’s grandparents who disapprove of the parent being nonmonogamous.