Polysecure

by Jessica Fern

  Culture and Communities Level

  At the culture and communities level, trauma, discrimination and attachment ruptures can arise from:

  Being rejected by social groups or communities that you were regularly involved with and previously accepted by.

  Being ostracized from a church that you belong to.

  Being subjected to “interventions” from teachers or community or religious leaders who are unaccepting of nonmonogamy.

  Being unable to bring more than one partner to events, holidays, work functions, graduations or weddings, either because of the potential negative consequences or because of the standard plus-one policy of many formal occasions.

  Already being a part of a minority group that does not fully fit into more mainstream communities and now having to experience even further community discrimination or isolation.

  Being blocked from online groups or being unfriended or unfollowed on social media because of being nonmonogamous.

  Being an outcast at school because of being nonmonogamous.

  Losing your job because you are nonmonogamous.

  Losing your polycule or nonmonogamous community because of drama or a breakup.

  Being unable to be out about being nonmonogamous at work because it could put your job, respect, ranking, promotions, bonuses, clients or social status at risk.

  Being a man (usually white and cisgender) who is facing not having certain privileges for the first time. When nonmonogamous, the loss of monogamous privilege shows up in several of the different levels for everyone, but for men it is usually first noticed in regards to dating, where men practicing CNM no longer have the same ease, accessibility and favor when it comes to dating now that they are nonmonogamous. The transition to CNM can become a significant eye-opener to privilege. While it is extremely important for men (especially white and/or cisgender men) to face the power dynamics that they have participated in and benefited from, the experience of going through a privilege flip can be disorienting, painful and even traumatic. Men can also experience further ostracization when they are met with contention from nonmonogamous communities because they still hold other forms of privilege, and when they experience a lack of support and guidance in how to make sense of the privileges they’ve lost and those they still hold.

  Being judged or scolded at the doctor’s office for being nonmonogamous.

  Being denied certain STI testing because the doctors or nurses are not aware or accepting of nonmonogamy.

  Being given misinformation about sexual health and STIs from health-care practitioners who have been trained from a mononormative perspective.

  Being denied access to partners who are in the hospital because you are not married.

  No longer seeing yourself in popular culture via songs, commercials, movies, television, news, etc.

  Not being able to find a local nonmonogamous community to participate in.

  Societal Level

  At the societal level, trauma, discrimination and attachment ruptures can arise from:

  People practicing CNM being a legally unprotected class in the US and most other countries.

  Being unable to legally marry more than one partner.

  Being unable to religiously marry more than one person (this is not true of all religions).

  Nonmonogamy being considered adultery, which is illegal in certain states.

  In the military, nonmonogamy can also be considered adultery, which can put someone’s job, ranking and veteran’s benefits at risk or even lead to incarceration or being dishonorably discharged from the military.

  Discrimination or the loss of privileges based on the many ways that monogamy and marriage have been institutionalized through tax benefits, health insurance benefits, child rights, estate rights, social security benefits, immigration and citizenship rights and veterans’ benefits.

  Global Level

  At the global level, trauma and attachment ruptures can arise from:

  The collective traumas, deaths and enslavement that the patriarchal, heteronormative and mononormative monogamous paradigms have produced.

  The specific hardships that nonmonogamous people face during a global emergency such as a pandemic. As I write this during the 2020 coronavirus pandemic, all of my clients, regardless of their relationship structure, are experiencing a maelstrom of fear, overwhelm, anxiety and significant loss. This includes the loss of loved ones, work, home, community, touch, meaning and purpose. However, my nonmonogamous clients are facing additional challenges. Having multiple partners while being asked to practice social distancing and isolation means being separated from important intimate partnerships for an extended period of time. Uncertainty around how long this will go on and concern about the levels of risk that may come with reuniting are also exacerbating their sense of loss, anxiety and overwhelm.

  When someone is no longer a part of a dominant paradigm, trauma can arise from the experience of being separated from the group and the feeling that they are alone with no one to turn to.65 Additionally, some experiences specific to being nonmonogamous can create additional and recurring threats that compromise our ability to attach, connect or even function. However, there is much growth that can come from this hardship. Just as scar tissue is stronger than regular skin tissue, traumas can lead to what researchers and mental health professionals refer to as post-traumatic growth, where 30 to 70 percent of individuals who experienced trauma report positive changes arising out of the traumatic experience they went through.66 Psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun define post-traumatic growth as occurring when “someone’s development has surpassed what was present before the struggle with crises occurred. The individual has not only survived, but has experienced changes that are viewed as important, and that go beyond the status quo.”67 Such people have described profound changes in how they view their relationships, as well as how they conceive of themselves and their philosophy of life.

  Nonmonogamy can be a pressure cooker for growth. It is commonly and playfully known in the nonmonogamous world that you shouldn’t enter CNM unless you are ready to process, communicate, grow and then process, communicate and grow some more. This is because having multiple partners will expose all of your relationship baggage, your blind spots, shadows and shortcomings, and all the potential ways you’ve been asleep to social issues. Because of this, I’ve seen how nonmonogamy can actually become an accelerated path to growth, specifically when it comes to attachment, where it offers a path to healing that many people would not experience otherwise. When people are able to heal their previous attachment wounds, address any attachment changes that have occurred since opening up and create relationships that are founded on relational security instead of structural security, what previously felt impossible about CNM becomes possible, even celebratory.

  Part Three

  In this next section we switch to a “how-to” approach to becoming more polysecure. My hope is that almost anyone reading this, monogamous or nonmonogamous, can walk away with concrete ways to further cultivate secure functioning in their relationships. I do the pre-filtering and translating for you so that you don’t have to sift, sort through or try to tease apart the monogamous filter that is often applied to attachment literature. Even though attachment exists over the multiple levels of the human experience, this next section focuses on the levels of self and relationship. This is meant to offer you guidance and suggestions, but it is not a substitute for professional support that may be needed for yourself or with your partners.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  THE FOUNDATIONS OF BEING POLYSECURE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

  UP UNTIL THIS POINT I have predominantly used the umbrella term nonmonogamy when talking about people with multiple partners, but as we saw in Chapter Four, people who are nonmonogamous can be quite varied in the ways they practice having multiple partners. As we move further in the discussion of how to be polysecure, I talk specifically about people who are practicing polyamory. Polyamory is commonly
defined as being the practice of having romantic love-based relationships with more than one person, and we can add that it is also the form of nonmonogamy where people have multiple romantic attachment figures. As previously mentioned, not all CNM relationships need to be attachment-based. We can have very fulfilling, meaningful, loving and significant relationships with people who we are either less entwined with, don’t want to label or define or who we are not looking to actively build an attachment-based relationship with. Ideally, any type of relationship, regardless of how involved or not, is ethical, respectful, has open communication and is considerate of everyone involved. But when we are in attachment-based relationships more is required, so the rest of this book will center on people who are (or want to be) in polyamorous attachment-based partnerships.

  Do We Want to Be Attachment-Based Partners?

  The antecedent to being polysecure with your partners is first getting clear about whether you want to be attachment figures for each other. Our attachment-based relationships take time and investment, and so when referring to attachment-based partners I am referring to a choice that we are making to intentionally cultivate and tend to the attachment-based needs within a particular relationship. Often, falling in love with someone or feeling attached to them does not feel like a choice we make, hence why we call it falling in love instead of stepping into love. Our attachment figures might be the people we feel levels of connection, compatibility or intensity with right from the start for reasons that we just can’t explain, or they may be the people with whom our romantic attachments have organically grown in potency and depth over time. However you come to be with the partners that you already feel attached to or want to cultivate being more polysecure with, what is important is that at some point you are all clear that being attachment-based partners is what you want for the relationship.

  In monogamy, usually at some point people have the commitment conversation in hopes of better defining their relationship, but exactly what that means to each person and all of the assumptions and expectations that each person is carrying are often left minimally discussed, if they are articulated at all. In nonmonogamy, unspoken expectations and assumptions typically don’t bode very well, and intentional discussions about exactly what we’re doing and why we are together are important for everyone involved to feel safe and secure. Since we are talking about attachment-based polyamorous relationships, we are talking about relationships in which you are committed to showing up for each other regularly, prioritizing each other (from choice, not obligation), actively cherishing each other, doing the work required to build a relationship and possibly even building a life together (though having a life commitment is not a prerequisite for secure attachment). Your attachment-based relationships might be with the partners that you refer to as your primary partners, inner circle partners, nesting partners or anchor partners. You may or may not live with them or have children with them, and you definitely do not need to do either of those things to be polysecure. People who are solo poly and relationship anarchists can be in securely attached relationships. People who are married and live with their spouse can also have secure attachment– based relationships with their non-nesting partners when vetoes and prescriptive hierarchy are not at play. What matters here is that you have a shared vision about the depth, breadth and level of involvement that you all want together, and that everyone is able to follow through with what you’ve agreed to.

  For us to feel safe and secure in our relationships, we need to know that our partners want to be there for us and will be to the best of their ability, and so some level of commitment to being in a relationship together is important. Depending on what stage of relationship you are in, this might look like:

  A commitment to staying in exploration of the relationship together, without specifically defining the future or integrating your lives.

  A commitment to building an official relationship that you want to have longevity and/or be more interwoven in.

  Commitment to building a life together where you are in it for the long haul.

  Commitment can be expressed in many ways. Traditionally it is solidified through marriage, owning property, having kids or wearing certain types of jewelry, but legal, domestic or ornamental undertakings are not the only ways to show dedication. In a 2018 talk on solo polyamory at the Boulder Non-Monogamy Talk Series, Kim Keane offered the following ways that people practicing nonmonogamy can demonstrate commitment to their partners:

  Sharing intimate details (hopes, dreams, fears) and being vulnerable with each other.

  Introducing partners to people who are important to you.

  Helping your partners with moving, packing, homework, job hunting, shopping, etc.

  Having regular time together, both mundane and novel.

  Making the person a priority. (I suggest defining what “being a priority” means to each of you.)

  Planning trips together.

  Being available to partners when they are sick or in need.

  Collaborating on projects together.

  Having frequent communication.

  Offering physical, logistical or emotional support (e.g. at doctor’s appointments or hospital visits or by helping with your partners’ family, pets, car, children, taxes, etc.).

  Commitment Reflection Questions

  In each of your relationships that are already attachment-based, or for the relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based, discuss the following questions with your partners:

  What does commitment mean to you?

  What aspects of commitment are most important to you (e.g., structural, emotional or public)?

  Why do we want to be attachment figures for each other?

  What does being an attachment figure look like to you?

  Do we each have the time and availability to offer this level of involvement?

  The Broad Strokes of Being Polysecure

  Once you are clear that being an attachment figure is what each of you wants, whether in a two-person or multiperson relationship, figuring out how to do this securely is the next step. Partners being a safe haven and a secure base for each other is key for being polysecure.

  Being a Safe Haven For Each Other

  John Bowlby and his contemporaries believed that for a partner to become an attachment figure, the relationship would serve as both a safe haven and a secure base.68 The bedrock of being polysecure in our relationships is feeling that we have a safe haven to turn to. This happens when our partners care about our safety, seek to respond to our distress, help us to co-regulate and soothe and are a source of emotional and physical support and comfort. Similarly, when our partners are struggling or in need, we can be a safe haven by being there for them in warm, caring and receptive ways. When we can’t physically be there for our partners, we do as best we can to support them from a distance until we can be in physical proximity.

  In search of relationship safety, our attachment system is primed to seek the answers to certain questions regarding our partners. Both consciously and unconsciously we are looking to know:

  If I turn towards you, will you be there for me?

  Will you receive and accept me instead of attack, criticize, dismiss or judge me?

  Will you comfort me?

  Will you respond in a way that calms my nervous system?

  Do I matter to you?

  Do I make a difference in your life?

  Can we lean into and rely on each other?

  Interestingly, research consistently shows that people who have safe haven relationships in their life, whether through romantic partnership or through their family, are more resilient in the face of life stressors and trauma. Attachment research has looked at many different populations including orphans, people who have experienced natural disasters, assault victims, veterans who were in combat, refugees, people who were in New York City during 9/11, people in concentration camps in World War II, as well as people who have had heart attacks or are recoveri
ng from surgery in the hospital. The research has found that when people in all of these difficult situations have their safe haven attachment figures around them, either during or quickly after the event, they recover faster, experience less physical and emotional pain, and are less likely to have escalating symptoms of PTSD.69

  Examples of things that you and your partners can do to be safe havens for each other are:

  Give emotional support and comfort.

  Listen to each other with full attention.

  Inquire and share about feelings and needs.

  Track what is going on in each other’s lives and make sure to follow up and inquire about those things.

  Help in practical ways when a partner is tired or sick.

  Discuss or debrief events of the day or things that are important to each of you.

  Let your partners know how and why they matter to you.

  Safe Haven Reflection Questions

  In each of your relationships that are attachment-based or for the relationships that you would like to become more attachment-based, ask yourself:

  How does this partner already act as a safe haven for me?

  In what ways do they show up for me that feel supportive and comforting?

  How can this partner help me feel even more safe with them?

  How can this partner help me feel even more supported or comforted by them, in general or in specific situations?

  In what ways can I show up more as a safe haven for this partner?