1 To Have His Cake (and Eat It Too) ~ Mr. Darcy's Tale

by P. O. Dixon

  Elizabeth was counting the days until her return to town, and thus Darcy House. She asked herself how it happened. Why did it happen? When did she fall in love with Mr. Darcy? To all these questions, she could not place a specific cause or an exact time, for it came on so gradually. One question weighed heaviest on her mind; the most fundamental question of all. What am I to do about it?

  ~ Chapter 9 ~

  Owe It To

  Elizabeth sat in the well-appointed carriage, on the way to Matlock House, recalling the contents of a letter she had received from Georgiana, whilst at Longbourn.

  Dearest Elizabeth,

  I pray this letter finds you in excellent health, as well as in good spirits. I have so missed you during these past weeks. Nevertheless, I take such comfort in knowing your beloved sister and you are together once again.

  My days have been rather eventful, especially since my dearest Lord Harry returned to town after spending Christmas in Stafford with his parents. His sister, Lady Harriette, is in town also, and we are making an effort to become better acquainted with each other. She has visited us here at Darcy House quite often.

  Unfortunately, my brother does not fare well. He has not seemed to enjoy himself at all. He has been very sad and detached. Despite the many arrangements made for our entertainment these past weeks, he has declined to take part in any of them. I only wish you were here, Elizabeth.

  Fitzwilliam recently decided to join one of his old friends for a hunting trip in Oxfordshire. He will be away until the end of January. Upon your return to town, please send a note to Matlock House, where we both will stay until Fitzwilliam returns. I will arrange to have a carriage bring you to my uncle and aunt’s home straight away.

  May you thoroughly delight in this time with your family. Please tell Miss Bennet how happy I am that she is in her home and that I look forward to meeting her. I eagerly await our reunion in January.

  May God bless you. Your dear friend,

  Georgiana Darcy

  Elizabeth was both disappointed and relieved. Darcy had occupied her thoughts a great deal over the past weeks. In some respects, she looked forward to seeing him, when she returned to town. She missed him. On the other hand, he was the last person she wanted to see, for she had not decided how best to deal with her newly confessed affection for him. With him set to return to town at the end of January, she had plenty of time to put her feelings into the proper perspective. Still, as she recalled Georgiana’s words on Darcy’s dismay, she wondered if her absence might have been a contributing factor. That made little sense to her. Of course, Darcy and she had grown close during the past months; but was it so much that her absence saddened him? She doubted that she held such sway over his emotions.

  Over Christmastime, Darcy’s mood left much to desire. He attended to Georgiana most conscientiously as they both attempted to celebrate the season apart from Elizabeth, as well as apart from Lord Harry, to Georgiana’s extent. As the days passed, Darcy grew more and more displeased with his own behaviour, as he pondered the power that Elizabeth held over him, although completely unbeknownst to her. Aside from Richard, she was the only person of his acquaintance who dared to question him. His uncle and aunt often attempted to counsel him, to no avail. Richard he could easily ignore, but he was finding it increasingly difficult to deny Elizabeth anything he thought might increase her pleasure. Surely, it was not wise to allow one person so much influence over him. With that thought in mind, Darcy decided it was unreasonable to continue to obsess over her absence. Of course, she will return. I will do everything in my power to assure it. The invitation to join his old friend on an extended hunting trip was just the distraction Darcy needed to prevail over his melancholy.

  ~ ~ ~

  The upper echelons of society were out in large numbers for the annual Matlock Twelfth Night Masquerade Ball. Dressed in fabulous costumes of famous literary characters with their identities disguised, most everyone took full advantage of their anonymity to relax the strictures of society and throw caution to the wind. The guests imbibed heavily of the steady flowing drinks, and the atmosphere proved quite raucous as they moved about the ballroom trying to discover one another’s identities.

  Without informing anyone in his family of his plans, Darcy returned to town earlier than expected so that he might attend the ball. Despite the hunting trip, meant to divert his constant thoughts of Elizabeth, he missed her terribly. He simply had to see her. The masquerade theme gave him the perfect opportunity to observe Elizabeth undetected, as well as escape his aunt’s matchmaking schemes, as he and all the other gentlemen in attendance sported masks of one kind or another. Darcy knew exactly the nature of Georgiana’s costume, so he could recognise her, and thereby Elizabeth, with relative ease. Elizabeth did not seem as jovial as those around her were. Darcy watched as she turned down one dance request after another, before whispering to Georgiana and escaping the room. He followed her. He observed her entering the library and did not hesitate to go into the room after her.

  Elizabeth was not in the frame of mind to enjoy the festivities that night. Since they were guests at Matlock House and Mrs. Pearce was not there, it was her obligation to accompany Georgiana. She desired to step away for a short time, to take a break from the merriment. She had just removed her mask when Darcy caught her totally by surprise.

  “Mr. Darcy! What are you doing here?” Elizabeth blurted out. “I mean to say, I thought you were away.”

  “No, I decided to return sooner,” Darcy said with a slight wave of his hand. “I saw you escape the ballroom. Are you feeling unwell?” he asked as he moved closer to where she stood.

  As if uncertain, Elizabeth said, “Yes! I mean, no. I am all right.”

  “It is good to see you. Did you enjoy Christmas, Miss Elizabeth?” he asked hesitantly, and then inquired, “I trust your family is well.”

  Still a bit startled by his abrupt appearance, she expressed, “Yes, I had an enjoyable time. It was a wonderful reunion with my sister Jane. I tried to persuade her to return to town with us.”

  “I am sure that would have brought you great comfort,” he replied with a smile.

  “Indeed, you are quite right.” Elizabeth finally relaxed. “It is good you are back. Georgiana misses you exceedingly. She has been unhappy during your absence.”

  “She seems all right now,” he stated.

  “Well, yes, but for the past few days, she has expressed her sadness over your absence many times.”

  “And you, Miss Elizabeth, have you missed me, as well?” he asked in a low and deeply caring voice.

  “Yes, I have, sir. I am so sorry for disappointing your hopes for Christmas,” Elizabeth responded genuinely and softly.

  “No, I must apologise to you. I was selfish and stubborn,” Darcy insisted.

  “You are correct. You are selfish,” Elizabeth gently teased, “but we are both stubborn, and like to have our own way.”

  “Let us not argue over who shares the greater blame for what took place. Shall we call a truce?” Darcy offered hopefully.

  “That sounds very agreeable,” Elizabeth cheerfully acquiesced.

  “I have missed you so much,” Darcy murmured, now standing right in front of Elizabeth. Having in mind a chaste gesture, he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. He turned her hand over and kissed her palm tenderly. Ingenuously, Darcy placed his hands on her arms and drew her a bit closer to place a light kiss upon her temple.

  It was a lingering kiss. Darcy thought to himself that her skin tasted wonderfully sweet. Her hair smelt of summer roses. The faint tones of the finely tuned orchestra and the intimacy of the dimly lit room cast a magical aura. He moved his hand to raise Elizabeth’s chin upwards and soon placed a soft kiss on her cheekbone. Both felt their closeness intoxicating.

  Elizabeth stood enchantingly captivated by the moment. He is here with me. I am not at all ready to see him tonight. He is standing so close. His soft, moist lips are divine. What is he doing here? Can this
be a dream?

  Darcy gingerly placed a light kiss along the corner of her mouth. He paused momentarily to take in her beautiful face. Her eyes closed, Elizabeth’s lush eyelashes and soft features mesmerised him. Her slightly parted lips were his undoing.

  He was utterly tempted to brush his lips affectionately against hers, when he remembered himself. He felt as if he were dreaming, being so close to the woman he loved. Beyond question, it was no dream. He adored her. He promised himself to protect her. I should not hold her in this way.

  Darcy slowly released his hands and spoke softly, “I beg for forgiveness, Miss Elizabeth. I should not have done that. Please say that you forgive me?”

  After allowing a moment to gather her thoughts, whilst the pounding of her heart subsided, Elizabeth responded, “Perhaps, the moment caught us both up. It is Twelfth Night after all, and stranger things have been known to happen. I accept my share of any blame.”

  “No, you must not blame yourself for my lack of control,” Darcy pleaded, distressed that she should harbour such a notion for even a second. “I could not bear to have you think you did anything wrong. The fault lies completely with me. I promise it will not happen again.”

  After allowing time to make sure of Elizabeth’s composure, Darcy suggested that she might leave the room before him, while he remained behind. He took her hand and escorted her to the door to allow her to go. He immediately locked it upon her departure. He sat in a comfortable chair next to the fireplace to compose himself and reflect upon his actions. As he shuddered to think what might have happened earlier in that room, he became woefully remorseful. How could I lose control like that... after so many months? How will I ever make up for what has taken place?

  ~ ~ ~

  Prior to his departure from Matlock House for the evening, Darcy sought out his uncle to tell him that though he had returned to town earlier than he had planned, he wished to have Georgiana and Elizabeth stay at Matlock House for a while longer whilst he attended to pressing matters. Then he left the ball, without acknowledging his presence to anyone else, even his sister.

  Before he allowed Darcy to leave, Lord Matlock cautioned him on his blithe behaviour. He reminded him of his duty to his family. Yet again, he tried to make it clear to Darcy that he expected more of him than he did his own sons. His eldest son, Lord Robert, had proven a colossal disappointment. His younger son, Richard, seemed destined for a similar fate. However, Darcy had more responsibility than did his sons; the expectations of him were greater. Like his wife, Lord Matlock did not subscribe to the notion that Darcy should marry his cousin Anne to unite the two dynasties. He thought that Darcy should choose a bride from among the ton, and the sooner the better. None of them was getting any younger.

  As Darcy left Matlock House, he was utterly dejected. His uncle’s words, his actions earlier that night, and his overwhelming sense of loneliness weighed heavily upon him. Over six months had passed since Darcy had been with a woman, yet he certainly did not intend to visit Madam Adele’s establishment that night. Regardless of months of excruciatingly painful abstinence, he could not taint the memory of what would be the only hint of passion with the woman he loved, in the arms of another.

  He did not believe that he would ever patronise such a place again.

  ~ ~ ~

  Elizabeth woke up very early the morning after the ball. She barely slept at all, as she recalled her moments in the library with Darcy. She imagined how it might have felt to share her first kiss. She wondered. Owe it to the mystique of Twelfth Night... the costumes, the whimsy. Soon she thought about Darcy’s puzzling behaviour. When he chose, he was charming, attentive, caring, and affectionate. At other times, he was haughty and officious. However, he treated her with deference in his home, far better than a paid companion might reasonably expect. She asked herself, Is his preferential treatment towards me solely to placate his younger sister? Might he have deeper feelings for me than those of friendship? Are those feelings of a long duration?

  Questions in her mind persisted. What is the point of dwelling on this line of thinking? Is anything beyond our friendship and my role as Georgiana’s companion really important? If just a matter of the disgrace that had befallen her family the year before, perhaps in time that might be forgotten, but the difference in their social classes had always been wide. Now, it was even more so, with her status in his household. Moreover, even if Darcy himself had not expressed his obligation to his family to make an excellent match, certainly her close association with the Matlocks provided a strong affirmation. It was clear to Elizabeth that they would accept nothing else of him.

  When she went down for breakfast, Elizabeth did not mention having seen Mr. Darcy to Georgiana. He had obviously left the ball after their encounter without making his presence known. Elizabeth was not at all surprised when she heard from Lord Matlock that they were to stay at Matlock House a while longer. She considered that Darcy was trying to maintain distance between them after what had occurred the night before. She thought that perhaps it was for the best, for even she could not say with certainty how far things might have progressed had he not stopped when he did. One thing was abundantly clear to her… it would never happen again. She would be the one to make certain of that. Regardless of how she may have felt about him, Elizabeth would not let her guard down with Darcy again.

  ~ ~ ~

  After nearly a week of self-imposed exile, Darcy finally brought Georgiana and Elizabeth home from Matlock House. He did not know what he might expect in the aftermath of his actions, but he had gotten to the point where he missed Elizabeth terribly and could no longer bear their separation.

  Darcy and Elizabeth’s strained behaviour towards one another played out with each appearing to the other to go out of their way to avoid close, personal dealings. Their attempts to avoid situations where they might be alone were futile given Georgiana’s penchant for leaving the two of them together—even going so far as to close the door when she left.

  Elizabeth’s warm and pleasant disposition got the better of her one frosty winter afternoon. Darcy and she sat in the library. Before their encounter on Twelfth Night, it was the scene of many lively debates. The new silence was deafening. She knew enough of Darcy and his taciturn nature to recognise that he could likely go months without engaging in conversation. The persistent silence began to dampen her spirits. They had sat there for over an hour. Steady to his purpose, Darcy scarcely spoke a word to her as he adhered, most conscientiously, to his book. He did not even glance at her.

  “Mr. Darcy, how much longer are you planning to carry on in this ridiculous manner when in my company?” she asked as the second hour was approaching.

  “I beg your pardon, madam.”

  “How long are we to share the same room for hours at a time, with no conversation between us?”

  “Excuse me, Miss Elizabeth,” he said as he sat his book aside to give her his full attention. “You know how disappointed I am with my behaviour at Matlock House. It is obvious that you have not forgiven me, and our relationship has suffered.”

  “Am I the one who has been unsociable and taciturn these past weeks?”

  “I have made every effort to allow you as much breathing room as possible. You do not seem comfortable when the two of us are alone,” he said, longing for nothing more than to bridge the gap between them and return to their past level of amity.

  “Mr. Darcy, as I have said repeatedly, all is forgiven. What more do you want?” she beseeched, her frustration steadily growing.

  “I want what we had.”

  “What is it that you think we had?” Elizabeth implored, further aggravated.

  “I want you to feel comfortable with me and know that I will never harm you. I want the friendship we once shared.”

  “You are hardly being fair. If I say we cannot go back to the level of friendship we had before, you will think I am blaming you for what happened between us, which I am not. I accept my part in what happened. Nevertheless, becaus
e it did happen, we cannot go back. Either of us might be tempted to let our defence down again, and then where would we be?”

  “I will not allow it. Do not be afraid.”

  “I am not afraid of you, Mr. Darcy,” Elizabeth exclaimed.

  “Then, can we still be friends... like before?”

  “Mr. Darcy, as always, you want to have your cake and eat it too!” Elizabeth resolutely declared, “Well, not this time! We ARE friends, but nothing like we were before. Take it or leave it, sir!” Elizabeth slammed her book shut and left the library in haste.

  ~ Chapter 10 ~

  Distinction of Rank

  Darcy brought Georgiana and Elizabeth along with Richard and him on their annual visit to Rosings Park for Easter. Elizabeth observed that it was every bit as grand as described by Mr. Collins. As regarded Lady Catherine de Bourgh, Elizabeth was quite surprised to learn that she was a close relative of Mr. Darcy. She thought her Ladyship was perfectly ridiculous. She wondered at how Darcy had, in good conscience, looked down upon the people of Hertfordshire during his stay when such a ninny as Lady Catherine graced his own family tree.

  The amount of attention Lady Catherine showered upon her confounded Elizabeth. She hoped that in being relegated off to the side of the drawing room to sit with Mrs. Jenkinson, Miss Anne de Bourgh’s companion, thus preserving the distinction of rank, Lady Catherine would ignore her ignoble presence.