Searching for Always

by Jennifer Probst

  "Good. Guess I'm bustin' in on your date, huh? Hey, wait a minute." His face scrunched up. "Are you the jerk cop in her class giving her trouble?"

  Arilyn groaned. "Poppy! That was between us."

  Stone laughed. Her skin grew more flushed. He couldn't wait to show her the many ways he intended to make her blush later. "Me? I've been a model student. Besides, aren't you supposed to lead by example? Seems you have a bit of a temper yourself." He tugged at her hair and she gave him the familiar glare he knew and was beginning to like.

  "I refuse to allow you to bait me tonight. Stone, this is my neighbor Mrs. Blackfire."

  Stone straightened and entered the senior firing squad. He offered his hand. "A pleasure to meet you again, ma'am."

  She shook his hand with pure suspicion. "I know who you are. Why aren't you in uniform?"

  "I'm off duty now."

  "What if something happens and the town needs you? The board said you were short staffed. That's how drug dealers invade small towns, you know. Lack of police supervision."

  "That's true. A solid reminder not to bother the police unless it's urgent."

  She sniffed. "Are you referring to me personally, Officer?"

  Stone grinned. "Were you the one who called three times to make a citizen's arrest on the poor kid who delivers newspapers?"

  "I caught him spying through my window. He may have been trying to see me in a compromising position."

  A shudder shook him at that visual. Patrick looked amused, though, and seemed to be a bit sweet on her. Interesting. "The paper got caught in one of the bushes and Pete knows how you like it centered on the front porch. You almost got him fired."

  "If he can't throw, he shouldn't be hired for such a position."

  "He's twelve."

  "Good, he'll learn early."

  Oh, yeah. This was gonna be a fun night.

  Patrick eyed the six-pack of IPA and lunged for it. "You brought beer! My kind of guy!"

  He caught Arilyn's eye roll and held back a laugh. "Just one, Poppy! I mean it."

  "Yeah, yeah, of course. And it's IPA, my fave. Joan, wine?"

  Mrs. Blackfire sniffed. "Half of a glass, please. I noticed that tree branch is still overgrown. It's sticking out on my property. If you had let my tree guy cut it, we wouldn't have this problem."

  Arilyn sighed. "You wanted to cut it down, not trim it!"

  "A good thing they gave me back my money. I can't afford to waste money with Social Security."

  Patrick interrupted, his tone firm. "Joan, I thought we discussed the tree. It's not a danger, and Arilyn won't cut it down. But if we're going to have a nice dinner together, we no longer bring up the tree. Agreed?"

  Silence descended. Stone held his breath, even though he had no idea what was going on. Somehow, he sensed a shift and didn't know if it was going to be good or bad.

  Mrs. Blackfire grunted. "Fine. Make it a full glass of wine, please."

  "You got it."

  Patrick smiled and winked.

  Arilyn looked surprised. There was definite history between her and the neighbor. In Stone's experience, neighbors made for the most dramatic fights in cop history. Stone walked into the small kitchen and began pouring the drinks. "Something smells good."

  She pushed her hair over her shoulder, donned oven mitts, and began serving. "Lasagna."

  "One of my favorites." His stomach grumbled on cue. "I skipped lunch."

  She shot him a glare. "That's not good, Stone. You should keep a granola bar in your car, or some fruit. It's not good for your body to slip into starvation mode. Messes up your metabolism."

  "My shifts have been switched around since I got back to work."

  "How long have you been a cop?" Patrick asked.

  Stone handed Mrs. Blackfire her wine, uncapped an IPA for himself, and checked on Arilyn. She seemed to have everything under control in the kitchen, so he sat down on one of the stools. He sucked at anything domestic anyway. She might as well find that out now. "Enrolled in the academy after graduation. Worked the Bronx for a number of years, then transferred to Verily." He left out all the important parts.

  "Tough neighborhood. Needed a break?"

  "You could say that." He pictured Arilyn's ears pricking. "Got into a bad situation on a domestic abuse case. Things got ugly. I had to transfer. I picked Verily."

  He took a sip of his beer and waited for the twenty questions. Hell, it was the truth, and he had nothing to hide. Patrick swigged his beer, stretched out his feet clad in old-man shoes, and nodded. "Yeah, that's how that stuff works. I kinda lost it in Nam years ago. I was commanded to take out a child for getting too close. Kids back then held grenades like stick candy, but it was my instinct to protect. I couldn't do it." His lively green eyes dulled as he got sucked back into the memory. "Damn war was so dirty. Good guys and bad began to blur. Anyway, I refused, citing my moral obligation to protect, so my officer commanded Bill Evans to listen to his order instead. Bill did. Shot the kid right in front of us. I think about Bill all the time. Remember his name, and think of that big chain-type restaurant. I think of how bad I wished Bill had gotten out clean and opened up a food chain empire."

  Patrick stopped talking. Arilyn walked over and gently touched his shoulder. "What happened to him?" she asked softly.

  Patrick squeezed her hand. "The child died. Child was clean."

  Stone fought through the punch of emotion at the waste of war. The things people had to live with in the dark of night, when all they wanted was justice for all.

  "Things got bad after that. I started with eight guys. Lost five. Bill was one of them. Sometimes I wonder if he didn't fight hard enough after that incident because he couldn't live with himself anymore."

  Arilyn pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "I'm sorry, Poppy. You never told me that story."

  Patrick stroked his arm, where his tattoos held the memory of the men he'd lost. "Lots I don't tell people, honey. A man needs some secrets. Some need to bleed out to heal. Others you just live with."

  With sheer astonishment, Stone watched as Mrs. Blackfire reached across the kitchen table and grabbed Patrick's hand. They both shared a look that Stone didn't understand, and he didn't think he was meant to.

  "My husband died at the Tet Offensive," she said. Her voice lacked emotion, but her face screamed otherwise. "We'd only been married a year. I didn't want him to go, and neither did he, but the draft has no mercy. He accepted his fate with pride and a head held high, even though people spit in his face." Rage shimmered in her eyes. "He was a good man. We decided to wait to have children until he returned. I was stupid back then. I thought he'd come back. He didn't, of course. I lost him with thousands of others. Of course, if he had come back, he wouldn't have been the same anyway."

  Stone had heard about the Tet Offensive from some vets who'd made it out. It was the biggest surprise launch of attacks by North Vietnam against the United States and South Vietnam. Massive numbers of troops on both sides were lost, until it was a bleeding black hole in history that no one forgot.

  Patrick reached out and put his other hand over hers. "I lost many friends during that mess. It was a bloodbath. Took me a long time even to be able to sleep again at night. What was his name?"

  "Ryan Blackfire," she said quietly. "He was quite gentle. Loved reading. Wanted to be a history professor and teach kids about their heritage."

  "Joan, your face must have been the last thing he saw. You gave him something worth hanging on to, until the last moment. I know this for a fact. The women we loved were the only thing that helped us keep our sanity and humanity. You gave that to him."

  Stone held his breath, not wanting to interrupt the poignant scene. Somehow, the silence that descended was full of understanding and mourning.

  Arilyn sank into the last chair, dinner forgotten. They all stared at the elderly woman, who recited her story as if she were reading a book. Stone knew better. Her wounds had never healed. Maybe by her own choice. Maybe not.

&
nbsp; "How old were you?" Arilyn asked.

  Mrs. Blackfire removed her hand from Patrick's and shook herself out of her trance. "Old enough. Twenty-two."

  "You were so young," Arilyn said softly. "I'm sorry." Simple words that couldn't heal, but by being spoken, it was a start. Stone stared. Arilyn's natural need to heal carved out the lines of her face. Stone bet she ached to wrap her up in a hug but was too scared her neighbor would strike like a cobra.

  Stone couldn't imagine Mrs. Blackfire at twenty-two. Happy. In love. Full of life. The woman across the table emanated a bitter strength that told a different story of how her life turned out.

  "I made do." Mrs. Blackfire stiffened her spine and her voice.

  Arilyn offered a small smile. "You deserved more than that."

  Her neighbor looked startled. Cleared her throat. "Are we going to eat, or are you gonna launch into one of your healing chants?"

  Patrick laughed and the spell was broken. Stone moved from the breakfast counter to the sturdy pine table and sat down. Arilyn handed out plates filled with steaming lasagna, fresh bread and butter, and a small side salad. Stone took a big whiff. Damn, it smelled good. When was the last time he had a home-cooked meal?

  Too long ago to remember.

  He took his fork, dug into a huge portion, and popped the bite in his mouth.

  Stone didn't know how long he chewed before the taste hit him. Along with the texture. What the hell kind of lasagna was this? He frowned, trying to figure out why the meat was soggy and tasted like crap. The tomatoes were good, but his teeth caught a carrot and some mushy stuff that mingled in his mouth. And not in a good way.

  He managed to swallow. Shot a glance around the table.

  Mrs. Blackfire chewed, then spit it out. "What is this?" she shrieked.

  Patrick looked resigned, picking around the junk and trying to find a piece of plain pasta.

  Arilyn blinked. "Vegetable lasagna. I told you."

  Mrs. Blackfire shook her head. "This is no lasagna, girl. And this is no meat."

  "It's a soy substitute exactly like meat. Fresh vegetables, tomatoes, herbs. Oh, and the ricotta cheese is tofu based."

  Stone pushed his plate away. Nope. Not even for sex could he choke that junk down. If the guys at the station heard that he had even tried tofu, his man card would be yanked for good. "Umm, Arilyn, thanks, but I'm not as hungry as I thought. I'll have bread."

  She glared and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "You said you were starving! What's the matter? It took me all afternoon to make this. It's healthy and filling."

  "Definitely healthy. And I do appreciate it. I had a late lunch, though." He reached for bread, spread butter on it, and shoved it in his mouth. He'd fill up on carbs and it would be fine. He chewed, but the bread refused to dissolve.

  Oh, hell, no. It was as if a field of wheat had been harvested and spread over his tongue. Crunchy seeds snapped under his teeth. Bread wasn't supposed to taste like this! He managed a swallow and surrendered.

  So did Mrs. Blackfire. And Poppy. They all stared at Arilyn and their plates in shared misery and guilt.

  "You don't like it?" she asked. Confusion flickered in her green eyes. "It's all organic ingredients. I don't understand."

  That's when his heart did a strange flip-flop. He should've felt irritated at her for starving him, reminding himself once again why they were terrible together. But when was the last time a woman had cooked for him? Cared about his diet?

  He spoke up. "Arilyn, thank you. I know you cooked your ass off for us, and we appreciate it. But we're just not as highly evolved. At least, not yet."

  She nodded. "Too many processed foods and sugars in your regular diet? You can't appreciate the flavors of food in a natural environment?"

  "Yes!" they all said in unison.

  Poppy lit up. "Can we order a pizza?"

  "I don't like peppers or anchovies," Mrs. Blackfire stated.

  "Pepperoni?" Stone suggested. "And half veggie." Poppy and Mrs. Blackfire stared, obviously not happy with that. "It'll be good for us," he said more firmly. "Okay?"

  Poppy nodded. "Okay. I'll get the phone. Garlic knots, too?"

  "Definitely."

  He snuck a glance over. Prepared for her temper or general crankiness over having her dinner guests rebel after she had spent her day trying to please them. He didn't blame her. He'd probably be bitchy if he tried to do something nice that no one wanted.

  Instead, a reluctant smile tugged at those lush lips. "Fine. But I want black olives and eggplant on mine or I'm not eating it."

  Stone realized she was even more trouble than he realized. Because she was beginning to touch not only his body but his heart.

  thirteen

  ARILYN LOOKED UP as Kate and Kennedy barged into her office, sank down in the matching purple chairs, and waited.

  She glanced back and forth between them. "What?" she finally asked.

  Kate sighed. "Are you really going to make us beg?"

  Kennedy tapped her finger against her lip. "I thought you were better than us, A. I thought you could be trusted to give us all the dirt without having to threaten, blackmail, or assault you. You disappoint me."

  Her lip twitched. She leaned back in the chair and gave herself up. "You want to know about my hot cop not stripper?"

  "Yes!" Kate screeched, all dignity completely abandoned. "I haven't had any time to get the dirt since he scooped you up all cavemanlike and carried you out the door. Oh my God, I wanted to die. And he stripped for you? Well, his shirt at least. Kind of. I was so hot, poor Slade had to call in late the next morning. I almost killed him."

  Kennedy looked quite satisfied. "Nate told me if I was going to come home like that more often, he'd hire a stripper himself. I told him it was the romance between you guys that got me crazy. Oh, and BTW? The stripper I actually hired was so not up to par with Stone Petty. If he ever wanted to quit and make a living taking off a quarter of his clothes, tell him he'd be rich."

  Arilyn laughed. It was fun being the one gossiped about for a change. When she was dating Jacob, no one asked her questions because he was off-limits. A dark, private secret no one liked to bring up. They'd gotten so used to her silence that her friends stopped trying to pry. She never got to cry, bitch, or chatter about sex or her relationship. Finally, it was her turn. "I'll be sure to pass on the compliment. Knowing him, it'll make his day."

  "Did you have great sex? Glorious, orgasmic, all-night, I-can't-walk-this-morning sex?" Kennedy demanded.

  "No."

  "What?" Kennedy threw up her hands. "Dudette, if that didn't make you give it up, nothing will!"

  Arilyn rolled her eyes. "I wanted to, but he said I was too drunk. Gave me the speech about wanting me to remember it and no regrets in the morning." Every time she thought back on the scene, he edged a notch up in the respect department. It took a strong man in control not to follow his penis, and he'd been as crazy in lust as she had. Yet he wanted her to be sure. How sexy and cool was that?

  Kate nodded in understanding. "I like. I'm sure you were pissed at the time. I think Slade did that to me once, but the next morning you realize he's a real man."

  "Agreed," Kennedy said. "So when are you guys gonna do it?"

  Arilyn groaned. "Is nothing sacred?"

  "Hell, no. When?"

  "Not sure. Our date this weekend got hijacked by Poppy and Mrs. Blackfire."

  Kate choked on a sip of water. "What? You actually saw the Wicked Witch of Verily in a social gathering?"

  "Worse. Poppy invited her over for dinner. It was quite cozy."

  Kate shuddered. "That woman scares me. Is she still trying to cut down the Tree of Spite?"

  "She tried, but I foiled her wicked plan. Poppy likes her, so he keeps inviting her over." She paused, trying to introduce the odd thought delicately. Ever since Mrs. Blackfire talked about her lost husband, she'd become more sympathetic in Arilyn's eyes. "She seemed different. Kind of human."

  Kate shot her a look. "It
's a guise so she can cut down Gen's tree in the middle of the night. Don't trust her! Even Robert avoids going by her lawn, and he loves everyone."

  Arilyn decided it wasn't a good time to list the few assets of her neighbor. "Well, they were the main reason nothing happened. We're keeping the relationship hidden because of the anger management class."

  Her friends shared a pointed look. Kate gentled her voice. "Babe, you have to listen to us. Stone is not asshole Yoga Man. You can't begin a relationship trying to hide things. Did you talk about what you both want?"

  "Yes. He clearly said it will be an affair for however long we were both happy."

  Kennedy frowned. "Did he say he wanted to keep it private? Or is that your idea?"

  "No, he said he wanted to date and take me out. I'm the one who doesn't want my two other students from anger management to know. It would be awkward."

  Kate beamed. "Good, so he doesn't want to sneak around. I want you to invite him to the wedding."

  Her mouth fell open. "What? No, that's impossible; you already have the seating charts and food orders. Absolutely not."

  Kate stabbed a finger in the air. "I'm the bride, and I want him there. This will give us an opportunity to meet with him. I won't let you go down that road again, A. No more secretive affairs that only end up hurting you. This guy is gonna have to deal with your friends or he's toast."

  Kennedy jumped in. "Agreed. It'll be a good test. A guy who goes to a friend's wedding is brave. Confident. He's not afraid because he has nothing to hide."

  A rush of emotions flooded her body. The idea of having a real date to accompany her in public thrilled her. She'd gotten so used to being alone while her friends brought their partners. How would it feel to finally belong? To be happy with the man by her side and show him off?

  But they weren't serious. Not like that. They'd have sex, and date, but when things got too complicated, he'd check out. Funny, she'd always believed Jacob was honest about his limitations and that made him a better person. Now she realized it was just a convenient excuse. How much better to claim she had been warned when he eventually hurt her?

  Was Stone the same? Was his honesty and up-front deal to her all disguised to make his exit clean and stress free?

  Maybe inviting him to the wedding would be a good test. If he declined, she'd know he'd never intended to be anything more than a roll in the hay. If he accepted?