Small Doses

by Amanda Seales

  I Should Have Broken Up with You

  THAT ONE TIME

  My mom always says one of the best traits of my generation is that we talk to each other and share what’s going on in our lives. This helps folks to see things that they may be overlooking and can also empower folks who may feel alone in their circumstances to actually change them for the better. They say hindsight is 20/20, and when you come out of a breakup that couldn’t be more true. All the red flags suddenly seem so glaringly evident, and somehow you either managed to miss or ignore them while in the midst of Lovefest 2000. I’ve had my fair share of red flags and breakups. So, in an effort to carry forward my mom’s insight, here is a list of my own true-to-life red flags that can hopefully help you to protect your heart (three stacks)!

  Though things may have started off rosy and joyful, I should have broken up with you when:

  • Your sister tried to fight me because I asked her to please stop yelling and you said, “She was just trying to challenge you.”

  • You said, “My goal in life is to have a house with no mirrors.”

  • I helped you write a paper for class, and you asked if you could hand it out as a manifesto at my taping of Def Poetry Jam.

  • You smoked ten blunts a day and said it helped you “focus.”

  • You were genuinely unsure if the Earth is round or flat.

  • You said you were on a six-month hiatus from ejaculating because you were rewiring your mind after being addicted to porn.

  • You needed money for a flat tire and without a word, went to your closet, pulled out a shoebox, bagged up some weed, went out, sold it, and came back with $50.

  • You brought a gun in my house and didn’t tell me.

  • You asked, “Can you teach me how to DJ so we can do parties together?”

  • You, a fellow artist, looked at my paintings and said, “Your pieces would sell more than mine.”

  • You texted me, “Good Mourning” several times, even after I corrected you.

  • You asked me, “Why you gotta be going at white people so hard?”

  • I told you that, on average, a migrant worker a day was dying in Qatar and you replied, “Bad shit happens everywhere.”

  • You bragged for weeks about how good you could eat it, and when you were down there it felt like you were trying to find out how many licks it took to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop.

  • You texted me Happy Birthday.

  • I was in the middle of making dinner, but you said you were so hungry that you couldn’t wait. So, you decided to get some fast food to hold us over. When I ordered my Taco Bell you asked, “You good?” instead of paying for it. When I said, “You really should have got that,” you said, “If this relationship is going to be about me paying for your meals it isn’t going to work.”

  • You came to my show, and five minutes before I went on stage asked, “You gonna wear your hair like that?” (It was in a bun.)

  • You loved your boys more than you loved yourself (or me for that matter).

  • You lied about your age . . . by three years . . . and said you were thirty instead of thirty-three.

  • You told me you couldn’t bring me to climax because I “tasted funny.”

  • You said my work “wasn’t really work.”

  • You had multiple Jordans and Nike Suits and no passport.

  • You told me that all my Master’s degree meant was that I could read books and write papers.

  • You said, “My fall wardrobe is next level. I’m gonna be out here getting more compliments than you!”

  • You asked if the Black Panthers were a revolutionary group.

  • You said that you don’t date:

  ° Women who have been/are strippers

  ° Women who have been sexually abused

  ° Women who have been physically abused and gone back

  ° Women who have had a threesome with two men

  ° Women who have slept with anyone you know

  ° Women who have slept with more than one dude in a friend group

  • You said, “I don’t care about mom approval.”

  • I came home off a fifteen-hour flight from Brazil and you asked, “What’s for dinner?”

  • I asked you to contribute since you were basically living in my apartment and did not have a home of your own and you said, “CONTRIBUTE?! I don’t even like your apartment! It’s too narrow.”

  • You asked me, “How much you think Buffy the Body would charge to hit it?”

  • You wore yoga pants. Like, when you weren’t doing yoga.

  • You had no problem with white people saying, “Nigga.”

  • After hanging out with me, you said, “I’m going to head home. I haven’t been productive today.”

  • You were living in my house and didn’t wish me happy birthday.

  • You told me, “If you’d ever been loved properly, you’d know that I’m not as good as you think I am.”

  You tell yourself the flag isn’t red, it’s a phase, or a moment, or your fault. You tell yourself that “it’s whatever” or “not that deep.” You convince yourself that this is all part of the story and no one is perfect and a bevy of other lies we come up with to prolong the inevitable. The truth is, you ignore the red flags because you don’t want to admit to yourself that this person is not the right person for you. You don’t want to consider that this is another failed relationship. You don’t want to have to meet another person, learn another person, and try again. Because the truth is there is a piece of you, even if it is just a morsel in the back of your mind, that wonders if, for whatever reason, you would be able to find better. Know this, YOU WILL.

  CHAPTER 5

  People Are Weird

  Handling Humans & SQUAD UP!

  ALL OF US ARE ON THIS PALE BLUE DOT, and none of us are the same. Sure, we may have similarities and resemblances, but we are all unique individuals on our own journeys through space and time. Be that as it may, we come in contact with each other. We get to know each other. We learn, we love, we lie to each other. We have all types of different interactions all day long, and it seems like no matter how long we’re here, we still find new kinds of people and new ways of experiencing them. Yet there is still this pseudo standard of “normal” touted like it is the bottom line upon which everything is based. When in actuality NOBODY is “normal.” Some folks may be bland, or simple, or basic, but that doesn’t make them normal. Normal simply means on trend, and being that everyone is different, it is perfectly normal to also be different. In terms of people and everyday life, weird IS normal!

  These days, it’s become cool to be weird. IT’S ABOUT TIME. The fact is, anyone denying their weirdness has been living a lie. However, there are idiosyncrasies that separate us all into different pockets on a spectrum of the expected and the unexpected. For some, being the unexpected is a way of life. Others fear being that and anyone who is that. This is where the struggle comes in. How do we all manage to be our own unique selves in the same space and time when fear is in the way? Understanding. Opening our consciousness to the fact that there are different ways that different people deal with things, and that it doesn’t always mean they’re coming from a bad place, just a different place. In discovering that distinction we open ourselves up to the relief and ease of not taking things personally. We also allow ourselves the grace to know that some folks just don’t mesh with other folks, and that doesn’t make them wack, they’re just not for you.

  The different circles we find ourselves in tell us a lot about ourselves. They help us to shape our world and how we want to exist in it. The curation of those spaces is integral to our happiness, stress levels, and pursuit of excellence. Your circle is your tribe. Caring about what everyone thinks is not only exhausting, it’s impractical and low-key dangerous. Not everyone cares about your best interest. Not everyone should administer advice. Not everyone is who they say they are. Your tribe, whether it’s just two of you or
five or more (honestly, when it’s more than five I always look sideways because the older you get the realer it gets, and the slimmer the number becomes!), is there to show/receive support, give/receive insight, be honest when it’s time to get real, be compassionate when the realness is harsh, and encourage you to always love yourself. Seems basic enough, but it’s not always cut and dry and takes time and lessons learned to truly find those who love you the way you love them and love yourself.

  With the inclusion of social media in our lives, whether you have an account and an avi or you’re someone who says, “Nah, I’m good on the socials,” it still affects most of our lives in some way, shape, or form, and boy, it has definitely affected how people operate. It’s a world within our world that has its own etiquette, operating systems, and functions. Whether it’s to meet new people, watch people you don’t know, or check on people you once knew (mmhmm I see you over there making sure your ex’s life is still trash!), the socials serve many a productive purpose when you use them to their full potential. When not used productively, they can be a great source of anxiety and leave many in need of a course-correct on context. Humans are trying to keep up with social media’s advances (them updates are like EVERY. DAY.) but the technology is changing fast, and we must continue to respond/react in order to know how to also create ways to not let it serve as a detriment instead of a device!

  You simply never know who or what could come your way on a day-to-day basis. That’s part of the exciting ride of life! Nonetheless, it’s nothing short of interesting considering that even though we are all cut from a different cloth, we come together to form a tapestry of types that blanket the world and give it identity.

  SIDE EFFECTS OF

  Type-A Personalities

  High strung and specific

  We like things just so

  But must always remember

  To find ways to let go.

  TYPE-A PERSONALITY

  Type-A folks are typically considered to be over-achieving, high-strung, detail-oriented, impatient, competitive perfectionists who can be neurotic, anxious, and materialistic. They are go-getters, which doesn’t always translate to warmth. They are high-functioning, which doesn’t always translate to empathy. They are direct, which doesn’t always translate to chill. But if you want to get something done, and done well, a type-A is your person.

  MISUNDERSTOOD

  Common characteristics of type-A folks can very often be misunderstood as someone being mean, disconnected, or tense. When looking at the character traits individually, it’s very easy to see how they can be misconstrued, but when placed in the context of the bigger picture of how and why a type-A person functions, it can reposition perspective and perhaps open the door to understanding.

  • Difficult -> detailed: The dopeness is in the details. Though it can seem like a type-A is being nit-picky, they are simply meticulous.

  • Demanding -> intense: The goal is the thing. It can feel like a type-A’s drive is always on turbo, but they are just hyper-focused about whatever they are set on accomplishing.

  • Curt -> direct: “Pardon the brevity, I’m corresponding on the move” is literally my email signature because, for some brief responses, it feels like a type-A is being short, but they’re just all about time management and sometimes that doesn’t include perfunctory pleasantries.

  TYPE-As ARE OFTEN:

  Nerds. They love details. They revel in minutia. They crave intricacy. To be a nerd is to truly appreciate information. Nerds aren’t necessarily wise, but they are steeped with info on whatever they find interesting. They immerse themselves. They obsess. They perfect. As a type-A, being a nerd is so natural and fulfilling. Embrace your nerddom!

  Leaders. They are direct. They have to be. They must deliver their messaging in a concise fashion, because it has to connect with a group of varied individuals. The direct, detail-oriented, passionate aspects of a type-A are the traits at the core of so many leaders’ ability to stay the course and inspire those who follow their ideology, or who are in their employ.

  Comedians. They are hyperaware. They see everything. Then they turn it over and over and over and over in their heads, looking for every grain of funny like a chicken sifting through gravel for corn. It’s a tireless process, and a seemingly never complete one, but it is so worth it when you get those coveted laughs from an audience.

  DOES A STAND FOR ASSHOLE?

  No. Well, sometimes. Fact is, social civility requires a certain level of amenability that a lot of type-As just consider to be extraneous. It’s not that they seek to be impolite or isolated, they’d just rather use their time for things other than managing feelings. That being said: Type-As, it’s on you to do the extra work to not turn that A into asshole; understand that you get what you’re giving!

  GEM DROPPIN’

  Overachiever vs. Perfectionist

  THERE ARE A LOT OF LAZY FOLKS IN THIS WORLD. They’re out here riding coattails, sitting around waiting for life to begin, passing the buck, basically doing the exact opposite of what a type-A personality is doing, which is, typically, THE MOST. I speak from experience—us type-Aers are a special breed and not always the easiest to deal with. That can go not only for our interactions with other people, but also for conflicts within ourselves. We challenge ourselves to excellence, and if we’re not careful in the process, unfortunately, we can sometimes inflict stress, anxiety, and emotional duress on ourselves during the acquisition of our dreams and goals. You start beating yourself up and next thing you know, “DOWN GOES FRAZIER! DOWN GOES FRAZIER!” with depression, frustration, and self-doubt. The overachiever and the perfectionist often get intertwined, and it’s a no-bueno situation that has to be addressed and avoided at all costs! The reality is that, as cliché as it sounds, you really can only do your best. Therefore, you gotta define what your best is and truly be good with that or it’s a lifetime of misery, and we ain’t havin’ that!

  The overachiever is all about excellence as a way of life. We see a goal and we not only seek to attain that goal, we attempt to surpass it. I call this stepping into the “Genius Box.” Nah, it ain’t, like, an actual box that I constructed out of cardboard and Mod Podged glitter with gemstones on the side. The Genius Box is when you make the mental choice to transcend beyond the ceiling that you’ve hit and enter a new realm of intellectual possibility. It’s when you remove all the limitations that you may have inadvertently placed on yourself in pursuit of the desired outcome, and in doing so, usher in new options, potentially ones that were never previously considered. The Genius Box is the cheat code. It’s the portal to another dimension of dopeness that you can only access once you’ve exhausted all attempts within arm’s reach. It is the tool of the overachiever because it is like the Room of Requirement in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It has a designated purpose that can only be accessed by those who seek that purpose. The teacher’s pets, the group project member asking for extra credit, the ones asking if they can keep the mythology book for another two weeks to do their independent study (guilty), are all overachievers who, when looked at from the outside, can come off as arrogant showoffs attempting to suck up. I’m not saying the two are mutually exclusive, but there is something to be said for not pinning those character traits on all overachievers. Because the bottom line for overachievers is always not only how is the mission going to get done, but also how is the mission going to get done awesomely. There is a momentum that we thrive on that keeps us constantly looking over the next set of trees. The thing is, if you’re always looking to what’s next, you never truly get a chance to examine the steps taken on the path to obtaining the goal, or to celebrate the accomplishment. It is important to do both because in examining the steps you get an opportunity to see what you did right and what you could have done better. In celebrating, you give yourself much-deserved acknowledgment, which is positive reinforcement. Even if no one else notices your accomplishments and no one else is giving you props because they’re too busy loo
king over at their next set of trees, you still need to take the time to pat yourself on the back and say, “YASSSSSS BIIIHHHHHHH! You did that!” As overachievers, we can get so wrapped up in the “over” that we lose sight of the “achievement.” The tea is, when you take even that slight pause of stillness to meditate and give thanks, you allow for a mental download that can give you even more inspiration and invigoration as you launch into the atmosphere for your next win.

  What sucks is when overachievers become perfectionists. The reality is, you can only control what you can control. As a perfectionist, you run into trouble when you aspire to a flawless outcome in a situation that involves variables . . . aka ALL SITUATIONS. You’re one person. No matter how on point you are. No matter how well you’ve planned. No matter how ill your spreadsheets are, or whateva, you can’t control everything. That goes for the other people working for you, the weather, or even the truth of the well-known proverb, “Shit happens.” It does. It just does, and when it does things go sideways and it becomes a 2 + 2 = Elephant type of equation. To go into that scenario expecting a level of perfection that, due to the laws of the universe, is ultimately out of your control, will only cause you to suffer. Sometimes, this aversion to imperfection can be so overwhelming it can place folks in a state of paralysis and stasis and next thing they know, they’re not doing anything because they feel like if they don’t try, they can’t fail. Don’t let that happen to you. You have things to do and dopeness to share! Some of us have participated in different sports, careers, and institutions throughout our lives that demand and encourage perfection that is often unattainable. I, for instance, was a competitive gymnast. In my time, the perfect 10 was that thing! (Shout out to Nadia Comăneci!) I was very fortunate to have coaches that taught us that “perfect” is different for everyone and at different stages. For my teammate, perfect may have been sticking her handspring layout on beam. For me, however, perfect would have been for ONCE having my back leg straight in a handspring layout on beam. Even if I didn’t stick it, if I was able to do that, that was a new level of personal perfection that deserved applause!